[Kiya]

I'm at the point where I can tell the storm clouds are gathering. I'm trying to be pro-active and head them off. I have state ins now - and no one can or will help me because no one is sure what county it covers (it will be moving soon), I am living in a different county than it covers, basically (as the guy on the phone said) "No one will touch you right now until your ins gets figured out." Which really does me no good - for at least a month. I'm doing all i can to hold together... which feels like it is not enough - or won't be when that storm hits.

[zooropa]

oh MAN, that makes me so mad for you Kiya. ((((hugs))))
I have state ins too and have to deal with that kind of beaurocratic bull$hit from time to time. Usually it has to do with them not wanting to cover my meds but yeah. I feel you. It's especially hard when you are trying to be pro-active but it's almost like you can't get help in that condition, you have to be IN CRISIS for anyone to pay attention. Talk about an invalidating environment.

I'm SO sorry the man you spoke to told you that you're basically on your own for a month while it gets straightened out. That's just not right. If you need support, you need support.

Oh, (((((((((kiya)))))))))))))!

Can T help you with this??

[darkrunner]

That sounds so messed up Kiya....
Would it make a difference if you go to the other county for services - the county the insurance covers?
Do they know how long it's going to take to get it figured out?

Maybe the guy on the phone was not the most informed person - could you ask to talk to someone else who could help more?

[Snakebit]

Originally Posted by darkrunner

Maybe the guy on the phone was not the most informed person - could you ask to talk to someone else who could help more?

I agree with darkrunner, try calling back.

[Kiya]

=( that's the thing - i've been on the phone for 2 days. the ins covers clack. co. and i live in mult. co. when i call clack. they say mult. will be the one i am dealing with. when i call mult. they say i am in clack. i tried to get seen in 2 different places that work with BOTH ins counties so there would be no problem - only to find out that until this is settled, there is nothing i can do. also, I can't keep my T and get help from them. further more, i really think i am slipping and need to do day treatment so i don't end up inpat - but neither place covers that and said I have to see the hosp. So i had to call back both ins vendors (both under the State) and each said neither would work with me until this was settled THEN i would have to leave my T THEN see one of their places for an assessment THEN see what would happen. "And no one goes from no treatment to day treatment." *exasperated sigh* I"VE BEEN IN TREATMENT FOR 6 YEARS. is it me? why are they not listening to me????

[googley]

(((((((Kiya)))))))

I'm so sorry you are getting the run around. It sucks when people wont tall to each other and then leave you hangin. Too bad you can't knock their heads together over the phone.

[Sannah]

Kiya, you are doing a great job working this. The system isn't being flexible, though. Can you talk to a higher up person? Does your T know what is going on?

[Kiya]

I see T tonight. I am trying to decide if i will tell her or not (sounds lame) but really mostly what she says is "Do all that you can, Kiya, use all of your skills". a lot of good that does me when i can feel my inner landscape about to break loose the storm. From the way she talks, she has no power over things like this - they're a "level 2 clinic" which means they usually do not work with people with severe mental illness or people in crisis. (trying to not let that idea get to me). Last week T even said they do not even work with bi-polar unless it is well contained and under control.
It is just sad - in more ways than one - because I am DID - multiples - which is technically not a "mental illness" - it is a complex coping skill that no longer works. The mind isn't ill - it was creative to a fault.
you know - it may just all be too much. if my brain unknowingly got me/us into this mess, then we may have to knowingly (and without "professionals") get us out of this mess on our own.

[Sannah]

Go Kiya, Go!!!!!! Go Kiya, Go!!!!!!!!!

[Kiya]

SO, as y'all know... i knew something was up internally; the landscape i saw in there was one where a storm was gathering. The sky was turning green, the wind picking up, clouds turning bruised in the distance. I mean - i think it may still be gathering, but i am not *there* today... if that makes sense. I got "knocked out" of there yesterday when I got called in to work for 2 hours. and today i was back into blank, flat depression. But i did tell t about it.... and we were trying to see if i needed to get help getting more safety. but since I was no longer *there* atm I couldn't know what i needed or how bad the storm might be - or of what type (t wanted to know; anger, fear, flashbacks...). I think flashbacks but I can't know atm. you know?
drat. but t did say to call if i needed help.

Originally Posted by Kiya

=( that's the thing - i've been on the phone for 2 days. the ins covers clack. co. and i live in mult. co. when i call clack. they say mult. will be the one i am dealing with. when i call mult. they say i am in clack. i tried to get seen in 2 different places that work with BOTH ins counties so there would be no problem - only to find out that until this is settled, there is nothing i can do. also, I can't keep my T and get help from them. further more, i really think i am slipping and need to do day treatment so i don't end up inpat - but neither place covers that and said I have to see the hosp. So i had to call back both ins vendors (both under the State) and each said neither would work with me until this was settled THEN i would have to leave my T THEN see one of their places for an assessment THEN see what would happen. "And no one goes from no treatment to day treatment." *exasperated sigh* I"VE BEEN IN TREATMENT FOR 6 YEARS. is it me? why are they not listening to me????

OMGosh.. the counties you mentioned are in the NW huh? sorry but I live in Mari. county.. it was just weird seeing the two look so familiar....I hope things work out for you soon and always remember the forums are here for you until you can see a t...good luck

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Kiya))) This whole thing makes me want to SCREAM. It is so frustrating to deal with contracts and rules that have nothing to do with reality. They are just rules that seem so arbitrary. Like being tramatized all over again.

Well, the reality is, you cant get help this month. No matter what you do or how proactive you are, it looks like even T is throwing up her hands. Why do you think a storm is coming? What is going on? I am worried about you. Can you go from here and reach out in every other way possible? Online here and anyone else you can rely on in your life?

Why do you think you are slipping and could go inpatient? What is happening? It may just help to post a real real lot and you will know that we are all here for you all the time and especially during this horrible month. PM me all day if you need to, I check my PMs more on the weekends, so Im EXPECTING PMs from you! What else can you do? Journal? Do you do that? Is there any way you can call T and have some kind of phone thing until the insurance is straightened out?

Im gonna keep thinking about what you can do now.....

[Kiya]

It is so strange to me now... t says call if you need help. I should have pulled out my cell phone, dialed her number, and said HELP!!!! Now i think of it - 5 hours later. *sigh*. Ah well.

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

Why do you think a storm is coming? What is going on? I am worried about you. Why do you think you are slipping and could go inpatient? What is happening?

well that's the thing - now i can't know... because I'm Kiya again and in front and the internals are in the internal landscape and i am disconnected from them atm. i guess if there is good news, it is that i am FINALLY back on mye correct med dosage THANKS BE GIVEN! and now am getting the equal amounts throughout the day. so that has got to help some.
this was put better into words by another:

Originally Posted by deli

i'm currently experiencing (again ) hallucinations, losing concentration, having words i intend to say come out incorrectly etc. i can repeat a phrase in my mind and just try to say those same sounds out loud, but it ends up coming out stupid. the cognitive stuff sucks- i'm also losing time quite badly. there are weird things going on, which are kind of different to the 'usual' depression of just feeling hopeless/sad/etc.

EXXACTLY!!! I'm in grad school, i just moved out of my abusive home, i'm trying to do better here on my own, but slipping some, falling behind in school work, house work, eating... not sleeping, am in pain... but the mind stuff - it is difficult. hard to explain.

It may just help to post a real real lot and you will know that we are all here for you all the time and especially during this horrible month. PM me all day if you need to

that may well be. i will do my best. (((((((((Bluey))))))))))))

I check my PMs more on the weekends, so Im EXPECTING PMs from you! What else can you do? Journal? Do you do that? Is there any way you can call T and have some kind of phone thing until the insurance is straightened out? I'm gonna keep thinking about what you can do now.....

oh yeah - it is the weekend for you, eh. i've still got Friday. Oh, i think i have an art class on Sat... for like 6 hours or something. So, don't be alarmed when you don't hear from me, k ? I am also going to try and push myself to work on my paper tomorrow. T tells me to "put everything (thoughts) on the shelf" so i can focus. I will try. I promise, tho that if i start to sink again, i will get in here and post. I just want to sleep all the time. Oh, speaking of which, I should sleep NOW so maybe I might actually get some rather than see each hour pass. (sound familiar, blue?).

tc of u 2

[BlueMoon6]

(((Kiya)))) Are you asleep yet? You and I should BOTH get some sleep! I dont know why the heck I am on here so late. But Im glad you posted. We can post back and forth in the middle of the freakin night. LOL!

PM me anytime, my dear friend. All night, all day. Its GREAT you have a 6 hour art class. I would give anything to a 6 hour art class. What do you do in the class for all of those hours? It might, just MIGHT help to really focus on creating.

I know it wont be this way forever for you. It takes some time to get used to being out on your own without having to listen to and care for mommy dearest. I know this is going to sound so weird, but at least this pain is yours and you have to deal with it, make decisons, help yourself or not help yourself without having to answer to anyone. I remember spirling when I lived alone or with a roommate and even though I was in this incredible pain, at least I could come and go and do what *I* wanted with that pain. Does that fit for you? Maybe not. I know it sounds so strange. The pain being MINE made me feel better about it.

[Kiya]

Heh - no, not asleep yet. 11pm, Thursday night. I OUGHT to be! I'm not sure where you're located anymore. I was thinking it was about 6pm for you on Friday.

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

PM me anytime, my dear friend. All night, all day. Its GREAT you have a 6 hour art class. I would give anything to a 6 hour art class. What do you do in the class for all of those hours? It might, just MIGHT help to really focus on creating.

i am trying to schedule one day a month for art class. this one will be travel sketch - ink and watercolor wash. i really like the instructor - tho last class she announced to everyone "This is another one (me) that has really low esteem about her art". @_@ lol I do... but I wasn't expecting her to tell everyone. But she really has helped me improve. =)

I know it wont be this way forever for you. It takes some time to get used to being out on your own without having to listen to and care for mommy dearest. LOL I know this is going to sound so weird, but at least this pain is yours and you have to deal with it, make decisons, help yourself or not help yourself without having to answer to anyone. I remember spirling when I lived alone or with a roommate and even though I was in this incredible pain, at least I could come and go and do what *I* wanted with that pain. Does that fit for you? Maybe not. I know it sounds so strange. The pain being MINE made me feel better about it.

Well, I'm not sure it makes it *better* per se, but T was basically saying the same thing tonight. She also commented on my skill set that I was working to get things in place for myself and "I know that you will keep at it until you get what you need, Kiya, and that is a very good skill that I am glad you have." I reminded her that I learned it from her lol.
She agrees that I need something that will allow for more therapy hours - something like a day program which allows for several hours of it to work consistantly with someone on trauma.
I did mention that now that I was no longer stuck in mom's holding pattern, I was getting stuck in my own. But T believes I will find a way through it. God their job is so easy (don't anyone hit me - it's a half joke) "say all these positive things enough times until your client believes you and starts saying them for themselves until they believe them."