My T has been awesome this week

ok, as much as I love PC for the support and info I get here, I find it bizarre and unlike any other internet forum I have ever been part of in the way that we are not allowed to discuss or even approach the meta.

I just want the pain to stop and stop people being so mean to me. I am a person after all, not just an avatar here. I hope people can remember that.
All I wanted was some support for the horrible things that has happened to me, but my issues are not welcomed here. Just butterflies and hearts are allowed. So I will deal with my issues alone. It is interesting on how my history keeps repeating itself. The truth is NOBODY gives a **** and would prefer that I just shut up. I guess it makes things easier for everyone. Hide abuse so it keeps happening over and over to more and more people. Well I tried but I am just too tired to keep trying.

ok, as much as I love PC for the support and info I get here, I find it bizarre and unlike any other internet forum I have ever been part of in the way that we are not allowed to discuss or even approach the meta.

I canceled my T appointments next week, I am tired of everything and all the work. I just need some peace.

I wrote this a couple days ago on how I am feeling.

Exoticflower had been pulled out by the roots and left to wither away, like an unwanted weed. Just crumble her up and let her fly in the wind like confetti floating around during a parade. It was neat to see but will soon be forgotten. The weed killers can now rejoice in their perfect lawns as the weeds are all gone. But the dead worm's tunnels below will cause their foundations to crumble away like an earthquake because their house was built on fear

I just want the pain to stop and stop people being so mean to me. I am a person after all, not just an avatar here. I hope people can remember that.
All I wanted was some support for the horrible things that has happened to me, but my issues are not welcomed here. Just butterflies and hearts are allowed. So I will deal with my issues alone. It is interesting on how my history keeps repeating itself. The truth is NOBODY gives a **** and would prefer that I just shut up. I guess it makes things easier for everyone. Hide abuse so it keeps happening over and over to more and more people. Well I tried but I am just too tired to keep trying.

EF,

I mostly lurk on this board and I normally steer clear of 'charged' threads like this one but after several of these kinds of threads I feel a need to say something.

I see you are in a lot of pain and this is a recurring theme - you write very positive threads, then something happens and someone hurts you (either here or in the real world) and you feel like a helpless victim, then you stand up and defend yourself (filing a complaint, speaking with your therapist etc.), then you seem to have some relief/peace, and then the cycle starts up all over again.
Yes, I have been in a lot of pain. But filing complaints and talking to my T are hardly playing "victim." It is doing something positive in light of something that has happened to me that wasn't positive. Are you saying that the fact I see my T and talk to her that I am somehow playing the victim roll? I have been a victim of some really horrible things, but doing something positive about the pain that it has caused is doing a good thing I believe. Life is positive and negative, and yes I feel both and feelings in between. Your view of me seems rather extreme.
This time you feel hurt because your threads were deleted. You assume the status of a victim and have the fantasy that people here want you to 'shut up' etc. The problem is, this is completely untrue. Yes, people were triggered by what was rightly a very triggering post with a disturbing title. People have a right to come to the forums here and not be triggered. That's the whole purpose of the trigger symbol - to make this a safe place for everyone. People have the right to notify the moderator if posts are upsetting them - and without having to feel a guilty conscience.

The truth is that you don't know why I am hurt, I am not allowed to say why- you are assuming you know and you don't.
The truth is you don't know the entire story if you are only basing your opinions based solely on what you see on the forums. Like I have mentioned before I am not allowed to discuss what actually has me upset.

As far as that triggering (for some) title, it was a title that one would see easily in a newspaper or on TV. (that is where I got it from) One would have to ask if they are that sensitive to something like that, maybe being online wouldn't be such a good idea. Maybe there needs to be a "therapy playground" forum where only light topics are discussed. One cannot predict what other's triggers are, I could say "pizza or puke" and trigger someone. "Lightbulbs" and "spiders" are a huge trigger for me, but I don't expect anyone to go out of their way to protect me if it is in titles of posts. I think one needs to take care of themselves and if they are that sensitive to things, being online anywhere is taking a huge risk.
How do you think people like Tree feel to read these kinds of words from you - don't you think you are making people feel responsible for something that really has little to do with this forum?

My post is not about Tree, you and her are assuming this. Like I said I can't discuss why I am upset, only that this place or fourum is not a place I can discuss my issues anymore. My issues are too triggering for a place like this, it can't support what I have been through. It is upsetting to me because this place has been like a home for me. BUt as I get into my past, most of the stuff is too triggering to post about here, so I can't no longer because of the rules. Even when I put a trigger warning on it.

It seems like you are bringing up hurts from your past and projecting them onto a situation that really shouldn't be so emotionally loaded. I personally find that behaviour quite manipulative - I'd even go as far to say emotionally abusive or emotionally blackmailing to let others feel so responsible for your moods for simply taking actions that were completely within their rights.
I am not emotionally abusive or blackmailing anyone for simply stating how I feel. I have a right to my feelings just like anyone else. I want nothing from anyone, so I don't how that can manipulative, there is no gain for me there. Those are some pretty strong conclusions about me. I never made anyone responsible for how I feel, if people think I did, than I am sorry because that wasn't my intent at all. I am only responsible for how I am feeling.

Don't you see that the message you are sending is: "I can post what I want, and if anyone dares interfere I'll act out - I'll cancel my therapy, I'll leave, I'll wither away." - I'm not saying "don't stand up for yourself" - everyone should feel empowered to protect themselves - but don't load your emotional baggage onto other vulnerable people and let them feel responsible when they don't deserve to.
I didn't load any of my baggage onto anyone, you are assuming that also.
I canceled my therapy next week because I am on spring break and I need a break from school and therapy. You assume all of the other stuff.

You see a pattern of people hurting you and of your being the helpless victim.
I have never been a helpless victim. The fact I speak out against abuse and actually do something about abuse, does not make me a victim and certainly not helpless. If anything, me doing something about the bad stuff in the world is helping me and others and it is rather empowering for those who have suffered.

I think you are probably reliving something from your past and projecting it onto current situations and hence mis-reading peoples' intentions and getting very upset and hurt. Yes, there are some horrid, bad people in this world, but there are just as many (well, quite probably a lot more) very kind, loving individuals. If you keep only seeing enemies, your life will be so hard and painful and unnecessarily so.

I don't see the world in black and white, I know there are more good people than bad. Again you are assuming this about me, you don't know me. I actually have a very good life, being surrounding by those who love me and support me.
Try to take a deep breath in these situations, stand back, express how you feel in a matter of fact way without immediately accusing or judging. Sit with it and talk to your T about it. If you take these steps, life will feel so much better/safer.

I can only express the way I feel, I can't control how others will take it or project themselves into it. I am not walking away to punish myself, I am walking away because I have to, this place is not healthy for me. Me walking away from unhealthy things and taking a break in therapy are good things. I am being proactive in what is best for me.

People love you here and want to support you. So does your T, by the sounds of it - don't walk away from your sources of support - why punish yourself like that? If you've canceled your appointments with T next week, there's still time to reschedule. It sounds like you need her support right now. Have you ever considered combining therapy with some DBT grouptherapy? It might help with reality testing and getting direct feedback from others when you feel accused or threatened - its hard when you only have your own immediate defense mechanisms (which I'm sure have been developed to the extent that they are because you've been through a hell of a lot).

I'm writing this because I respect you and think you deserve an honest and frank response. Please don't judge this negatively - my intentions are good. A lot of people battle with these same problems - if you grow up with volatile parents (for example), you're used to being hypervigilent - ready to flee for cover - that's a natural response. Holding onto that defense-mechanism is maladaptive in the big world where most people mean no harm.

Onzi

Hi Exotic Flower,

I'm glad to see you are still sticking around for a while. I really hope this can get worked out.

You said:

I don't understand this, because the post that started all of this wasn't even about your issues but about something you read in the newspaper.

It is actually about one of my biggest issues I am deciding in therapy. That is whether or not I should continue with my complaint against my unethical T. In that link, it talked about how this T admitted to having unethical relationship with a client, and still he kept his licenses, then he over-medicated a client, and now this latest. The reason I brought the attention of this wasn't because I was trying to upset anyone or trigger anyone. IT was because I was wondering if it would do me any good to bring charges up against my T if he was only going to get a gentle slap on the wrist for what he did. I was wondering if it was worth my emotional investment if nothing really would happen. But then I never got a chance to even talk about that.
I remember seeing threads started by you in which you talked about specific things that happened with your old T .....it seemed like you were able to find people who could relate and support you.

I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe there could be some middle ground.
if, as you say, this place felt like a home to you - then wouldn't you want to help take care of others by not posting threads with triggering titles?
I honestly didn't think my title was triggering when I posted it, I know now. I am not this horrible person that goes around trying to trigger anyone. I would have liked to have the benefit of doubt that in the hundreds of post I started, I simply made a mistake here. I honesty thought it was okay.
But there could have been a middle ground, I could have been allowed to change the title or someone else could have and my reason for the post and link could be talked about by those not triggered.

Wouldn't it be ok to title a thread 'Extreme abuse by a therapist' or something that doesn't get into specific details? That way it helps people who are trying to use self-care. Now that I know what some of your specific triggers are (which you mentioned in your post) - I would never post a thread with that in the title.

That is kind of you, but the point I was making was that we really don't know what each other triggers are, so it is hard to post anything knowing it is safe for everyone. There is no way to avoid triggers completely and for those who are that sensitive or unstable to be triggered by a title, maybe being online is not the best for them anyway.

From my perspective, your views and issues have been respected and appreciated here. In fact - some of your posts and ideas were put in a sticky in the sub-forum here!!! That is pretty significant, if you ask me, and shows a lot of support for what you've been through and how you are trying to make a difference going forward.

that is why I can't really get the support I need here anymore. Because if I triggered so many people by that one post, than my other stuff would certainly be too triggering to post and will get deleted.

I guess an internet forum can only help so much. Ones therapist is where the real help is. We've all had posts removed and not all of us hold the forum to ransom afterwards.