hard to connect with

(((((Deli)))) I feel so stupid that I have to catch up on how you are doing. I care a lot about you and I am VERY impressed with how hard you are working even when it feel SOOO impossible and so painful.

You are amazing and brave and you have touched my heart. I wanted so badly to see those iron walls come down. Im so glad it is with pdoc, I just adore him.

Maybe there is a possibility that pdoc will talk to austin-t before tuesday? Even if he doesnt say anything about the letter? It sounds like austin-t isnt going to put anyone in your appt time, its for you. Wow! I also had happy tears and welled up reading along here.

Im still really sorry I havent been posting and had to catch up. You have so many friends here, you could never push anyone away, Deli dear.

1. How about asking pdoc to talk to Austin-T before Tues?

2. I fall into the "Austin-T does care about you and does want to work with you camp," but you've been through a lot this past week with pdoc sruff and then sharing so much that I can see where you might feel very apprehensive in general about taking another step that seems risky.

3. I interpreted Austin's comment to mean he'll be there at the appointed time for you to show up, but he understands you might not. I think he wanted to unambiguous about being there for you--literally.

Other than #1, no suggestions for you. It's all about your comfort level, and you're the only one who can gauge that.

I agree with everything Imapatient said - can you see if pdoc will call Austin-T today or Monday?

But also, you've done quite a bit of hard work this week and I think it is ok to go easy. As far as dealing with that appointment, you could leave Austin-T a message definitively canceling the Tuesday appointment, but asking to reschedule. That way, he knows for sure that you aren't coming, but he also knows you are not quitting, and it gives pdoc more time to contact Austin-T and get things worked out.
Take care of yourself, dearest.

Today and Monday are public holidays so Im guessing you wont be able to talk to pdoc before your appointment - but is there a chance he has already spoken to austin t?

Don't they talk on Fridays? Could you check with pdoc and see if he is going to talk w/ Austin-T on Friday (or has) so that it would be safe for you to go on Tuesday?

Deli, if you don't want to see Austin-T before you've spoken to P-doc I think it would be okay to miss it. You have already told him that you won't be going, so you don't need to tell him again. You have effectively cancelled already, although he has chosen to keep your appt open for you. That simply leaves it open for you to make the choice to go or not go on the day. I really think doing either would be fine - whichever is the most comfortable for you.

If you feel capable of it you could send him a message to say that even though you won't be coming Tuesday you would like to schedule another appointment later. But then again, if you don't... you've already told him you won't be coming, so even though he is probably hoping you will turn up, I think it will be okay if you wait til after seeing P-doc.

Take care of you.

(((((((((((((((((deli)))))))))))))))))))

you are amazing girl! i am so so late to this thread and haven't even read everyone's posts but i did read all of yours. it's so wonderful how you shared such incredibly painful things with pdoc and he responded so wonderfully. okay, im pooped and a bit word-challenged at the moment. with austin-t why not just let him know you won't be there this week. i'm sure he'll understand you mean you just need a small break but want to continue.

you are doing such difficult work right now and i couldn't be more impressed with you. you are very lovable too, girl! when people do bad things they try to justify these actions by blaming the person they are being mean to. i think that is what has happened with your family. unfortunately, when we've heard we're dirt enough we start to believe it and think there really is something wrong with us rather than realize it's just their way of justifying their own sins. there is absolutely nothing wrong with you deli. you are a truly beautiful person.

Although I stand by what I said that it would be better to sort it out with austin-T, I agree with Luce -- he's not expecting you. But your spot is there if you want it. No contact is needed on this.

thanks guys.

i dont think pdoc would've spoken to him on thursday - he only called me at 2pm and he wouldn't have spoken to austin-t prior to checking in with me. and then fri & mon are public holidays for us (is this the same in the US?).

i like the suggestion to txt him and say not coming on tuesday but asking to reschedule. or maybe saying i will call him after wednesday or something. i dont know what pdoc will say to him, or if pdoc is waiting to talk to me on wed now. i'm pretty sure pdoc wants to bring up sharing the letter with him.

im kind of over the really good feelings after pdoc's call, and i'm starting to ground again and i'm feeling a bit raw. i feel exposed about going back to pdoc (although i trust him to be not scary - that feels so good to believe and say ) and ugh. i just know there is stuff to talk about, and that sucks.

Deli-
I totally understand the feeling of being exposed after sharing something. Even if at the time it felt like the other person understood. Once it is out there it can be scary. I had the exact same experience where it was okay for a while and then it got scary. But it will be okay. Hold onto the belief that pdoc is safe.

As to the US, no we don't have federal holidays on Friday and Monday. Though if I could get a day off from class that would be nice.

Take care of yourself.

I definitely understand about feeling raw after sharing so much, not wanting to go there again, not really wanting to show your face. Oh boy. But pdoc will respect your wishes if you want him to tread lightly. Just tell him so. There is no rush.. You have time.

((((((deli))))))

I totally understand that raw feeling too....i have felt that way before and came **thisclose*** to not going back...but then once i got there, I realized the hardest part was physically getting myself in the door. like, the days before i kept thinking, cancel it, cancel it, then i was like, oh --too much homework to go, then I started getting a stomach ache about 3 hours before the session, and had to leave like an hour early to go get a hot tea and look through magazines on the way, just because i felt anxious, and THEN felt like i was gonna just disintegrate in the waiting room...then once i got in the T room, and we started talking, it was just okay, it just went okay.
Because then T was just normal and we talked about not-hard stuff and i was so relieved to be able to go there feeling all exposed and yucky and then just be able to talk about day-to-day kinds of things, and not have to get right back into the really hard stuff. It made me feel like...stable and in control i guess.
I have been meaning to reply to you deli in your previous post question to me thank you so much for asking about my safety, that was just the most thoughtful thing. H and I have our troubles but it never gets out of hand or scary. he's too avoidant for that, ha. But it is a complicated relationship because he has lots of baggage and problems he carries around...just like me. But the thing is, i don't think i could be with someone who didn't understand ...stuff...you know? it just feels like we 'get' each other....but we both have a lot of work to do...