hard to connect with

pdoc tried to call. i was too scared to pick up. my voicemail isnt working anymore so he couldnt leave a message. i cant call back because then he'll know i didn't pick up. oh gosh.

but at least it means he read it. and figured out it was me, lol. but maybe he's trying to get rid of me now. im filled with dread. oh gosh.

Deli-
I am thinking so much about everything you wrote....and I don't know exactly what to say.. My brain isn't working properly right now...so let me just give you some of my quick thoughts and impressions...fwiw...

I love your pdoc's analogy about him being the armor. I love that he wants to protect you.
And I have to admit, I'm kind of glad that he wants you to stay with Austin-T.
The thing about the meds scares me. Have you ever thought about getting rid of that stash? I wish you would. Having that kind of thing around can serve no good purpose.
Wow how awesome that you gave him the letter. You are very brave. And it's ok if you don't want to talk to him about it right now. That is a big step. I think your feelings about it are totally understandable, but I am here to tell you, you are NOT filfth, you are not an *****, and pdoc doesn't think any of that about you. Please believe me.
I'm glad he called you - shows he DOES think it's important. And it IS important. You are allowed to write and give it to him. That does not cross any boundaries, I promise it doesn't. He still gets to set his own boundaries, because he can choose not to read it until a certain time, or to call or not to call, etc.
I am so hopeful for you.....you are making good decisions....HARD decisions....... and you are coping, and even though it feels awful, I am just really hopeful that brighter days are ahead.

Please be kind to yourself.

I understand the 'logic' behind you thinking this as I frequently perform the same 'acrobatic thinking' myself. I'm rarely right when I think this though, if that helps?

I also wanted to say that I frequently read your posts but rarely respond. I don't do this to mess with your head by jacking up your 'read numbers' but not your 'post numbers' (honest! ) I guess I never feel like I have anything of value to add, especially as you have such great friends here who always give you such great support/advice. The reason I follow your posts is because I admire what you have achieved wading through the sludge of depression and a less-than-ideal childhood eg finishing your degree, branching out on your own etc. And also I find your writing style so honest, refreshing and often insightful. You certainly aren't hard to connect with online! I enjoy reading about your life, even though I don't know you, because it usually resonates with me. I hope you don't mind.

*Willow*

deli, I too really like pdoc's metaphor about the armor and austin-T being the sword. Wow, that really fits well with what you have described about them so far. Oh my gosh I actually have tears in my eyes. I am just really touched by pdoc's metaphor.. they do, deli, they do care about you so much; they consult about you, they are putting their heads together, and although they are human and make mistakes, they want to help you win this battle! And you keep fighting too, even though you want to quit and even though austin-T can be a dolt and even though pdoc isn't always so good at being there for you. You keep fighting. I believe in you, deli. I am so glad you gave that note to pdoc. And I agree with darkrunner. It's okay if you don't talk to him about it right now. You sent it. He's not going to get rid of you! He wants to be your armor! He is probably glad to have gotten honest words from you. He is probably so glad to have gotten your note.

All good things are worth fighting for!!! Literally, its a battle for our lives!!! Its a battle for our minds!!! Warefare!!! A call to arms!!! For what we need and what we want. Put on your armour and knock the ##*$! out of those walls. Then rebuild something nice.

thank you for your honesty, dfh. i think it's nice that your H would like you, all of you, if you only showed him. it sounds really complicated if he is hurting for some reason too. is it safe where you are? like, even if there is a disconnect and a lot of hard work, is it at least safe? or is that what you mean by your H being kind of broken too?

im sorry if my q's are too personal. tell me and i'll back off. but i appreciate your honesty so much .

thanks for this interpretation, pachy. to me it is actually safer when i don't see pdoc/austin-t aren't as perfect beings, when i can see that they have their shortcomings also. i think this particular comment was difficult because it's been said to me so often in the past that it becomes a case of being my shortcoming instead.
i think what you're saying could be right though too - that it's partly his shortcomings also. i think that's what pdoc was trying to say yesterday. that makes it a lot safer for me to return if i can think "Austin-t doesnt know how to deal with me because i present a challenge he's not used to dealing with" rather than "i've always been a difficult person and here's another person who's wiping their hands of me".

thank you dark runner. i got rid of some of the meds last night - a lot of them had passed expiry. ive kept the ones which are still ok, just because my meds change all the time & it's a bit of a ping pong to predict which ones i'll be using next. they cost a lot of money (for the government) so i don't think it's right to throw them away and possibly need them again in the future and then have to get a refill. i understand where you're coming from, though. truth be told however i don't really need a stash of meds if i was hell bent on hurting myself. my current med (and MAOI) and a bottle of soy sauce would do the trick.
i am scared about pdoc calling back. i made him promise before that if he wanted to get rid of me he had to call me and let me know on a voicemail, and he promised, so i'm scared. but then i started thinking it's better to know over the phone where i'm safe rather than next week if i see him and maybe not be safe. i know that's sucky thinking (kind of) but it feels real to me also. it would make sense to me if he wanted to hurt me because of what i wrote in my letter.
but i also think that maybe pdoc won't hurt me because he didn't do it last year when i told him stuff about dad, so maybe he won't. he was nice to me last year so maybe he'll be ok this time also. i don't know. but i think if he calls again then maybe i'll pick up so i can find out for sure.
thank you for telling me about the boundaries thing. when i first started seeing him i was very careful to never contact him between sessions - we used to see each other every 3 months and even if i really needed him i made sure i waited those 3 months before i said anything. so it's scary because i don't know if it's right to contact him now. he gave me his number a while back but it still is difficult to know how much is too much. but i feel more ok about the letter now, thank you. i'll fret about the phone calls at a different time .

this does help, actually, thank you!

thank you for saying all of this, willow. i'm so scared of indifference i guess that it doesn't occur to me that people don't post for other reasons. in my head there are many people who read this thread (or whatever i post) and just go "eh..." and move onto a different thread. i feel really vulnerable putting myself out here. ive never really thought that what i write might resonate with other people, so im touched if something i say connects with you also. that makes me feel nice to know you are reading even if you don't say anything now. but for what it's worth i've also really appreciated your posts to me in the past; i remember them even if you don't post frequently.

yes, i really liked what he said with that, it does work so much within the context of how we all work together. and it meant so much when he said he was the shield & armour - i've said before that pdoc is my protector - but to hear him say the same thing made me feel good to know he sees himself the same way. he returned to the metaphor later in the session and fleshed it out more, and then he got embarrassed and told me he used to be one of those "dungeons & dragons" kids, so maybe he was letting his enthusiasm get a bit ahead of him (he had started getting all technical about warring strategy). pdoc's really cute when he blushes.

thank you everyone for helping me through this. i thought i would be more of a mess but i think i did most of my crying on monday after seeing austin-t. i feel nice that i could give pdoc that note even after our crappy session, it means i still trust him heaps. not sure about his response, and im scared about next week, but thankfully it's easter this weekend and uni goes on break for a week, and it's sunny today so i'm feeling more ok.

lol, ruffy, you can be the peptalkmaster/warlord. this made me smile, thank you so much .

Deli-
I just wanted to let you know that I am reading your thread too, to the point that whenever there is a new post I check it to see what it says. So part of that views are from me. But since I've been feeling somewhat crappy lately I haven't been able to respond how I would like to, but I've seen that others have it well in hand, but wanted to let you know I'm here.

Still want to become hermits? We can still do that if you want.

Oh deli I also wanted to let you know that many of the views are also from me because part of my OCD is I go back and re-read things I have written over and over and over again to make sure I didn't write anything that could be misinterpreted. And I also am somewhat obsessed with this board and check all the threads way too often. So, just so you know, my OCD is jacking up your views number.

I'm reading too. Just feeling a bit crappy so I'm not posting. You know I'm thinking about you. (Will that C word get editted? Oh well.)

Deli,

What great progress you showed by telling pdoc about your feelings about Austin-T. You asserted yourself for yourself. That's so great. You three are a team, and it's great to read about how pdoc thinks so, too. He's committed to you and so is Austin-T.


For leaving the letter with pdoc. It's such a big step to share more about those parts of background with him. Very, very brave of you. I think on the contrary that he doesn't want to get rid of you, that he wants to check in with you and see if you're safe and comfortable after what you you shared. Such big, difficult info that you've been holding in. Maybe he wants to congratulate you for takign this step, and taking the step about the things you had to say about him--that's you CONNECTING in multiple ways on your own initiative. (Perhaps some recent changes in your life are bearing therapeutic fruit? ) I think you might benefit from connecting even more by returning his call or picking-up next time so you can be certain of his feelings rather than worrying.
You won out over so many fears with your appt. and the letter.

I'm thrilled to see you progress like this. Wow.

thank you jex & googley & farmergirl . i understand not feeling good and therefore not posting (and also the OCD type checking, jexa. 75% of the views on this thread are probably from me). chris - you're a rebel for outsmarting PC's censorship program . googles - today is sunny so i'm not in the hermit mood, but i think we should set up an abode for an "if the mood strikes" fall back; thank you for letting me share hermitage with you .

um. pdoc called back.
he salled "hello, deli, it's dr pdoc" and i said "i know" and groaned and he asked me if now was a good time to talk. i was under my table and eating chocolate so i told him so. he said it sounded like i was having a better day than he was.
he said he received my letter this morning and that it contained a lot of things he had only ever guessed at, and then many more things he didn't even dream of. he said he had been concerned about a lot of things but this just gave him more to keep in mind. i said i was sorry and he said not to be, that he was so thankful that i gave him that. he said he was really sorry about our session yesterday - that when he doesn't know what's going on he justs tries everything, so he'd talked what austin-t up and he talked it down and he tried to dismiss it and he tried to fix it and that he didn't have a clue what he was doing but he was hoping that some of it might stick. he said he really hates doing that but it's what he has to do when he doesn't know what's going on. i had never thought about it like that and i really really was sorry for it, but he said he knows it's a trust issue and that it was ok - no guilt because i'm trying my best. and he said he knows he can help me, and i know he can help me, so we'll figure it out together and he was proud of me and esteemed me more for writing what i did.
and then he got into his tangential pdoc talk and said he noticed i used a smaller font than usual and he laughed at that, and he also said he's never seen someone with such obsessive perfectionist writing as i did. and i told him how difficult it was for me - how i'd written it out and then been embarrassed, so i had typed it up and that i wanted a smaller font but i would also be embarrassed by that because i know he would notice and he said i was a hoot and deserved a prize. pdoc's never seen my writing before (and what i handed him yesterday was pretty bad for me, usually it would have been a lot better) so he said it was like finding out this whole other part of me he had never known.
he told me he got now why things were so difficult with austin-t when he'd said what he did. and he said that he was lucky (pdoc) because he had my letter, but austin-t was a poor bastard who was flying blind also and didn't have a clue he'd buggered up as much as he had. so he said we had to cut austin-t some slack and so i agreed. i've really really never thought that pdoc found it difficult too and was just trying everything he could think of, so maybe austin-t is the same.
pdoc said the he knows that it's his note and he doesn't want me to be afraid but that maybe one day austin-t could maybe have a chance to read it. but pdoc said he would never give it to him because it's pdoc's note, and he wouldn't do it unless i said ok, and that we could talk about it later - not to decide for today. but he said maybe it would give austin-t an idea of what's going on and that pdoc esteemed austin-t so much (and he really really does, i know they're in love) so austin-t would be quick on the uptake too.
pdoc said all the disgust and shame i felt about myself are normal for a child and young adult who had grown up in the circumstances i had. that was so good to hear. he said it's not that i'm unloveable but that i had been disconnected. he didn't say whether it was my fault or not, maybe i can check next week. but he said again that what i had written only made him think more highly of me. he told me not to be afraid, that he was sticking around. he said that often "dont be afraid, deli".
i think the call was wrapping up and we agreed we'd meet next wednesday and he told me he was keeping the letter for him (i'd asked him not to put it in my file and to throw it if he couldnt think of what to do) and i was going to hang up and then he kind of rushed out that he wanted to keep me for a minute more if that was ok.
and i said ok. and he said the last paragraph of what i wrote, and he read out the bit "i miss so much not having someone around who thinks i'm significant." - he said he's around and he thinks i'm significant, and i'm not unloveable, and he's going to stay with me because that's just how it is. and he said that he suspected that he was more of a father figure to me than my own dad was, and that he was honoured and proud to be so. he said again he's sticking with me and he's going to help me and not to be afraid. and at some point during this i had started crying, and he said he's never heard me cry before and said it was a wonder that i would, and then in typical pdoc fashion he burst out with one of his jackass pdoc laughs. he's so ridiculously inappropriate at times but i love him for it.

i felt so held when he said the last bit. i'm so grateful that he chose to say that, because i know he kind of hesitated and blurted it out somewhat. i dont really know what to say, but i wanted to type all of that out while i remembered (i have to rush to uni now), because i know it's important. im so lucky i have pdoc. and that i have persistent folk here on pc who understand that pdoc is special and encourage me to reach out when i'm pushing him and even all of you guys away. thank you for helping me do this .

DELI!!

Oh wow. I just.. I am so moved by all of this and I have happy tears in my eyes and I am so glad things are going in this direction and that pdoc is safe and that you are safe and that everything is going to be okay. And I just fell in love with your pdoc a little bit and I'm so glad you picked up the phone to talk to him and I'm so glad you are opening up and that he understood the significance of it all and I just have this deep sense of "deli's truly going to make it" and..

Lots of love to you, Deli, from one human being to another.
I am so glad your p-doc holds you with such love and care and tenderness. I am so glad he is walking this path beside you.

OMG - I truly cannot think of one thing that pdoc should have said that he did not. I am soooooo glad you talked to him. What a wonderful response to the HUGE risk you took. Really, I am speechless.....don't really know what to say.....just, you are amazing.

aww, thank you lovelies (luce!! long time ).
i feel at so much peace right now. i really cant believe pdoc said all of that, over the phone too. at most i thought he might say that he'd received my letter & thank you & talk next week; at worst i thought he'd tell me not to come back. i cant believe he said all of that to me on the phone. or that he'd even say it, full stop.
my housemate wants us to watch tv together now but i told her i wanted to do some uni work in my room. im not doing anything, more just sitting with this feeling of nice. i cant believe how much pdoc gets me to know to call and to say all of that. it was a 10 minute call and i was anxious he was staying on the phone instead of being with his patients, but it meant the world to me that he did that for me. im so lucky i have pdoc.

im still not sure what is happening with austin-t (i said we'd cancel; he said he'd keep the spot open - what do i do?). i see pdoc on wed, austin-t was meant to be tues. i dont really want to see austin-t until i can see pdoc, because pdoc said he'd fix things and i dont know if he has. but do you think it's enough that i said to cancel, or do i need to reply & say i'm not coming again? im scared if i do that then austin-t will think im never coming and close my file, but pdoc said we need him so i don't know what to do.

THIS is the amazing thing about being brave (like you are) and taking risks (like you did). At first we feel worse....and then we feel better. I would guess that it's EXTREMELY rare that our worst fears would come to pass when we tell our story to someone we trust (like pdoc), but it's so hard to get past the shame, the fear of being sent away, etc. and just TELL. It's just ridiculously, gut-wrenchingly hard to move past the fear, but you DID IT. You are amazing

And this is how we connect, you know. By taking the risk to show someone our true Self, to tell someone our story, to reach out. Connecting is scary, but you are doing it.

Good work, dear Deli

I think you should connect with him and decide together.

agree with pachy.

Deli,

I am SOOOOOO glad you shared the letter and really opened up about how you were feeling. The phone conversation sounded wonderful and very healing for you.

pdoc is safe but i'm still not sure about austin-t. it really did feel like he was saying "i'm not going to bother to try with you anymore" last time.

pdoc said he would fix things, but i'm too wary to talk to austin-t before pdoc makes it safe again. i feel bad that i rely on pdoc so much for this stuff, but i'm lucky he's good to me that way. i don't think i can face austin-t without pdoc making it safe. i feel like scrunching up into a ball everytime i think of austin-t; he's become so scary.

i looked at austin-t's message again - it says "i will hold your appt". i just want to know whether it means he's still expecting me, or if he's just keeping it open but doesn't really expect me to come. i don't want to say anything, but if he's expecting me i should tell him i'm not coming this week. but then he'll want to know whether i'm cancelling forever, and i'm scared to talk to him more with pdoc making it safe first. so i don't really know what to do.

i feel ashamed that i'm so crap and awkward with this.

Deli, I'm out-of-town and haven't been reading or posting much, so I just read your thread. I have a feeling that things are going to get better for you now that you gave pdoc that letter. I feel very sad about what you experienced growing up. Also, for what it's worth, I felt that you connected to me right away when I started posting here. I don't think we've been connecting so much lately, but I care very much what happens to you. I just wanted you to know that.

DELIIIIIIIIIIIIII

There aren't enough smileys in the WORLD to say what I'm feeling. What an amazing, amazing thing you did...and pdoc...and oh... I am speechless. THis time, in a GOOD way!!!
agree x 1 million!
I'd call or text pdoc and say "Yo ****, I'm comin' in normal time next week!!!" Ok..maybe not those exact words...but you know Like Pdoc said, AustinT has no idea what he did to you, because there is so much he doesnt know.


DELI. I. AM. SO. PROUD. OF. YOU. and SOOOOOOOOOO happy for you!! This is MONUMENTAL.

(I love CAPS LOCK)

deli, if he is keeping his appt open, then you can just show up!!

and its ok to rely on pdoc, that is what he is there for

but i still dont want to see austin-t, until pdoc fixes it. austin-t is on tuesday & pdoc is on wednesday?