[WePow]

We are going to be doing some major therapy work on Tue. My mentor who is a retired T will be flying in to join me in session with my T for a 2 hour very big day for me. I am working on putting a lot of things behind me so I can move forward. And I know I am ready to make this change. If I don't make the change, I would not make it back into a functioning adult life. So I really do want/need to do this.

The odd thing is I have been very excited about this. It is a nervous kind of excitement, but still I was happy about this. That is until the past three hours. Now I have a blanket that feels like it has fallen around me and I am sad. I just feel like ... like I just don't know.... My body has been having an anxiety attack for the last 3 hours too. And the alter who never talks to me - the cold one - has been really letting me have it with all sorts of negative talke like "You can never be free. Why are you fooling yourself into thinking you can?"

Do you guys ever feel like this when you are on the brink of change? Does it mean I really do not want to do it? Or I'm just not ready to do it???
uggggggggg

[BlueMoon6]

((((WePow)))) I am also very happy for you that you are taking this step and doing this major work. You and your mentor must have a very special relationship for her to be flying in to help you with this session. I hope it is a healing one that brings you some peace

I also have that voice that tells me who the heck do I think I am doing this or that. That I will never be able to have a free life and feel peace- it is impossible so stop trying. Oh, that voice does talk to me! And often it is difficult to not listen and believe it. It takes a lot of mental energy to counter with the "truth" that I am worth it, I can have peace, I can feel safe....it can be exhausting. And it is always on the heels of major changes in what I do or how I am thinking. Its as if my own brain fights me.

So many hugs to you. I will be thinking about you tomorrow. I hope you get some good sleep tonight

[WePow]

Blue, thank you. Yes, my mentor is really cool. He has been through a lot of stuff in his life and he really gets my situation. He is bringing some experience with him that will allow my T to really get to see some things from a different level I think. Thank you for thinking of me. Session will be Tue AM. Uggggs!!! Just really hate that internal cold voice. !!!! Thank you for telling me you do it too. Now I know I am not the only one.

((((((((((WePow))))))))))

Wow, what big, brave work you are doing!!!!

I think change is ALWAYS kind of scary - even (or maybe especially) change that is good change. It's okay to feel however you feel about what's going on - happy, scared, sad, angry, worried, hopeful, whatever. Part of being brave is feeling scared, and you are being very, very brave.

Be extra gentle with you.

[WePow]

((((((((((((((((((( tree ))))))))))))) thank you so much... We are so afraid right now and inside we really want to run. And my alters are watching me and they are wondering if they should be afraid too but I am telling them not to be afraid. So it is odd to feel this intensity.

[Elysium]

((((WePow)))))

I'm glad you are taking this step and moving forward with it. It sounds like you have a great support system between your Mentor T and your T T.

Could it be that your alter, your cold one, is afraid that if you take this step in healing that you will not need them anymore and that they will become insignificant in your system?

I wish you the best and I'm here for yous.

(((((((WePow)))))))

I've been telling my other parts "It's okay, I've got you" a lot these past few days (I got that from kiya - thanks, kiya). It kind of quiets everything down. Because it really IS okay, you know??

I think there is grieving that comes with change....even good changes. Because when you change, you are saying goodbye to an old way of doing things. You may recognize that the old way was not ideal....but you still have to say goodbye to it, you know?

Sadness seems like a normal reaction to me...

[BlueMoon6]

Elysium- I think this hits home for me, too. That cold, critical and hatreful inner voice gets angrier as I get better. Its as if I hear this voice to maintian the status quo or the whole world would come crashing down. Youre right, its fear. Terror.

[purple_fins]

Oh, I'm excited for you WePow. Your mentor must be a wonderful person and your T. too.

I'm not sure about the negative talk--
could it be that you are just unsure if you CAN accomplish what you hope to on Tuesday? like the before stage jitters?? or maybe it's that there's a part of you that you've held for so long(even if it's negative) and after Tuesday you're not sure if that part will be necessary anymore....
I wish I could help you more.

anyway-- please know I'm wishing and hoping things go well for you

fins

[WePow]

Thank you all very much. I am not sure what this is... very sad and low.... getting SU thoughts again - which really bug me! I do not want to think that way!!!! I do think it may be great fear of the unknown. I know what pain is like. I do not know what life will by like to allow the past to be turned loose. And maybe that cold alter mind is afraid the most - because that is the part I am going to set free.

((((((((((WePow))))))))))

I wonder if you could find another purpose for that alter? I have a very protective teen, but her methods and the things she thinks are "dangerous" make no sense in my life now, as an adult, safe, with my family. I realized a while back that maybe the way to heal is not to try to get her to go away, but maybe to find another way for her to be powerful and protective.

If the thoughts get too scary, call or e-mail T. This is a Big Deal and he'll get it.

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, WePow....That is huge! And perhaps because it's such a huge thing, it's overwhelming and triggering all sorts of reactions from within. I like the suggestions you've gotten so far. You are working so hard, and I am in awe that this is happening for you. Keep yourself busy, and call T if you need to....And keep posting.....

[darkrunner]

WePow,
You are so brave! I am always impressed by your determination and willingness to do whatever it takes. You so deserve healing and peace and your willingness to take such giant steps is inspiring.
I wish you the best on Tuesday.
I'll be thinking of you and sending thoughts of strength.

[WePow]

(((((((((((((((( all !! ))))))))))))))))

Thank you all again so very very much. The thoughts and love mean so much to me.
We did have a rough night last night, but we made a choice again to live and continue this path. And we woke up this AM knowing it is our choice to move forward. It is not something I am being forced to do. The choice is in my hands. And that freedom to choose life and choose a path where maybe I can actually heal up... and maybe even help out a few others who are in as much pain as I was in... well, that is worth continuing. So here we are. I will need to give myself some more time to just heal and get my strength. But I have decided to go through with what will happen in 24 hours. Again, just knowing it is in all truth my direct choice to do this... and having stood at the doorway last night to both choices.... and choosing to no longer see myself as a victim, but as a survivor who does want to live and walk a path of healing and light... well, it feels different inside in a positive way. Not any sudden joy or elation. Just a peace and centeredness that was not forced on me by expectations of the outside world. A choice.

[peaches100]

WePow,

I often get that critical voice inside that tries to send me into self-destruct mode. I think that behind it is the fear of change, and the fear of being optimistic in hoping for freedom and a good outcome. But we have the right to want and expect good for ourselves. We deserve that. It's something that those critical parts of us inside also need to learn. Just keep reassuring them, WePow! You're gonna get there!

I'm glad to hear your mentor is flying out to meet with you and your t. Please keep us posted!

[googley]

(((((((WePow)))))))

I'm sorry you are feeling sad.

((((((((((((WePow)))))))))))))))

Good luck today Let things be how they are. Whatever happens is the right thing.

[purple_fins]

Thinking of you WePow

fins

[WePow]

Thank you all so much for the wonderful support!!!

Well! My hair is now very short!!! My mentor and my T worked with me for almost 4 hours! My T had litterally cleared his calander for me this AM which was beyond unbelievable. He knew my mentor was flying in from out of state.

The whole thing was just so amazing and very scary at the same time. We went deep into my alter Mick and brought out her alters (kinda fragments) and did intigration work there. My mentor is a retired Ph.D. T and a teacher to Ts. So my T who is not DID specialist was actually learning as we did that work. It was just beyond amazing in how the two worked together. It was just out of this world in how healing it all was for me. It has taken a lot of time and work and concentration to get me ready for today. And it took a ton of guts for Mick to trust T and allow herself to be open for this healing work.

And at the end, my mentor who is also a Sundancer of the Native American path did a pipe ceremony for me. T joined us for that. And I cut my braid (22inches!) (donated it for cancer hair needs) - and my mentor helped to cut it and so did my T.... which was to symbolize my trust in them and to symbolize as a whole my transition from one life as a victim into my new stage of life as a healed survivor.

Today was a day I will never forget. God bless those who work to heal the wounded.

[googley]

(((((((WePow)))))))

I'm so glad that your session went so well today. That is so awesome. I'm glad that you were able to do so much work.

[jexa]

WOW WePow!! What a final and resolute way to demonstrate healing! I know the power of cutting hair, but 22 inches!! I am so happy to hear how well this went. Please let us know how this session impacts your week and your future healing!!

WOW, WePow. What an amazingly healing experience. I'm blown away.

It takes so much courage to do what you are doing. And you are doing it.

[zooropa]

OMG, wow!!! What an amazing, powerful experience. I'm so happy for you, wepow, that you are moving into a new phase of healing and that you have such gifted, caring people to help you along the way. Thank you for sharing this with us. I am in awe...it must have been so difficult, I can't even imagine the courage it took for you to do this work.

[darkrunner]

Wepow- I have to say what all the others have said: wow!
Thank you so much for sharing this experience.
Your courage is certainly inspiring, to say the least.