[googley]

I realized that I keep asking T if she cares about me because I don't feel like I deserve her caring. It is like I can't believe that she actually does. At the same time I want to feel cared about. I want to feel like someone cares about me. But I'm also scared because all the people who were supposed to care about me hurt me or didn't stop it. And I don't want T to hurt me. (I know this is faulty logic, but it is still there in my brain.) And I'm not sure if she does care about me that it wont just go away if I do something wrong. Or if I say the wrong thing. I hate feeling like I need other people. I want her to care about me, but I don't want to get hurt. And I'm scared that she is just saying she cares because that is what she thinks I want to hear and she doesn't want to upset me. Instead of telling me how bad she really thinks I am. And I feel like she is getting annoyed with me asking if she cares about me, but I just can't seem to help it.

[Melbadaze]

Googley, I think everyone here has those same feelings. I wont say you are worth caring about or any of that blah blah stuff, cos I know from my own experience that I had to test T and test T and test until little by little I built up enought info to refer back to find the incidences where she has proven she cares, by actions more than words. It takes time and isnt a one off thing, its the relationship that will eventually be where the reasurance is to be found.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by googley

I want to feel cared about. But I'm also scared because all the people who were supposed to care about me hurt me or didn't stop it. And I don't want T to hurt me.

(I know this is faulty logic,

What is faulty about this? This is perfect logic. What was faulty about it is the people who were supposed to care about you. Your logic is right on.

Originally Posted by googley

I'm scared that she is just saying she cares because that is what she thinks I want to hear and she doesn't want to upset me. Instead of telling me how bad she really thinks I am.

And I feel like she is getting annoyed with me asking if she cares about me, but I just can't seem to help it.

This sounds like realistic testing to me. In your upbringing it sounds like things didn't make sense. You never knew when someone was going to turn on you and hurt you? If this is true, your cause and effect were hit and miss. Nothing could be trusted. Now you are trying to make sense of things and test them. This is smart. It sounds like you learned some tough lessons while growing up and these lessons are hard to let go of. A person only knows what they have learned until they learn something different. Sounds like this is what you are trying to do.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I relate to these issues and feelings.

Just yesterday I was afraid my roommate was placating me again, saying how good I was just to make me feel better.

Also, when my husband tells me good things about me, I wonder if he is just turned on and blinded by romance.

And when I am dealing with a professional, I always have this idea that it is just their job to make me feel better, so what they really feel about me (and my roommate too!) is that I am a terrible person who just gets on everybody's last nerve.

This is how I feel too.

I have stopped asking.

but the question is always on my mind, "How do they really feel about me? Do they care? Am I really okay to them?!"

Billi

[WePow]

Googley - sometimes we see and question the actions of others because we are without those answers within our selves. It almost is as though we keep questioning why others care about us because inside of ourselves, we do not believe we deserve to be loved. That is a very deep pain to carry all the time. So we think our internal answer is the truth for everyone external to us.

[chaotic13]

I'm with shannah I don't think your logic is fault either. It makes sense based on your past experience. I think the key thing in therapy is to try and open yourself up, dispite how you were treated before, and try letting someone show you what good healthy caring feels like. It is not something most people can just decide to do. It takes a lot of little steps and many times when you test your T over and over again until at some point you finally realize 1) she does care and 2) your worth caring about. These are incedibly hard lesson to "get" and progress in owning these concepts is not linear. For me one week I would have, then the next week I was lost again.

Originally Posted by googley

I realized that I keep asking T if she cares about me because I don't feel like I deserve her caring. It is like I can't believe that she actually does. At the same time I want to feel cared about. I want to feel like someone cares about me. But I'm also scared because all the people who were supposed to care about me hurt me or didn't stop it. And I don't want T to hurt me. (I know this is faulty logic, but it is still there in my brain.) And I'm not sure if she does care about me that it wont just go away if I do something wrong. Or if I say the wrong thing. I hate feeling like I need other people. I want her to care about me, but I don't want to get hurt. And I'm scared that she is just saying she cares because that is what she thinks I want to hear and she doesn't want to upset me. Instead of telling me how bad she really thinks I am. And I feel like she is getting annoyed with me asking if she cares about me, but I just can't seem to help it.

OMGosh, that is me exactly.... thanks for saying how I am feeling... PC needs to add another button at the bottom that stands for "ME TOO"

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((googley))))

Thank you for posting. This is something that has come up for many here as we all have been hurt by the very ones that were suppose to care and said they did but at the same time it was anything but what was being shown. Many times I not only ask my t but also anyone that says they care. Something that never seems to be able to get within myself or the others.

My old t used to tell me that she would tell me as many times as it took until I could first hear it and then hopefully believe it. I felt that she cared because that was her job and that she cared about everyone so it was not something that felt as though it was because it had anything to do with me. Even today I still question how can you? Why can you when those that were suppose to didn't. And why am I suppose to believe you now?

The very questions that you ask are valid in that is how it was for you. To believe now is hard. And as much as we want to believe and try to the questions still come. So many times we try to not ask but still it rings within no matter how many times we tell ourselves they care. So you do make sense. And what you feel is so real.

Wanting to be cared about is only human and there is nothing wrong with feeling that. Wondering if they did possibly care, how long would it be before they too go away. Always waiting for the other shoe to fall feeling and just knowing that about the time you reach to believe, it will fall. I hear you and that fear loudly. Waiting to be hurt because we knew it would always come. Knowing it was us that would cause that hurt because somehow it was always our fault so that those that were wrong did not have to accept the blame.

Googley, you are cared about and I am glad that you are here and that you posted this. I validate what you are feeling and I understand why you feel this way. But you are not to blame as none of us are. And you can keep asking as many times as you need to and the answer will still be the same----I care. Sending many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[googley]

It hurt. It hurt and I felt vulnerable. I left T feeling so vulnerable and raw. I told T about how I was having trouble believing that she cared about me. And I asked her if she cared about me or if it was just the money. If the money was the reason she cared about me. But she didn't reply. She just went off saying something else. Then at the end she asked if I had anything else I wanted to say. I said that I felt like she was avoiding my question. She said that she wasn't answering it because she didn't think I would believe her. It made it feel like she was avoiding it. It hurt so much when she said that. Like she was saying that it wasn't even worth trying. That hearing it wouldn't help. And it wasn't like she addressed the money part. She did answer it by saying she couldn't do the job if she didn't care. But does that mean that she only cares because it is her job, and hence she doesn't care about me because I'm me. I don't want to just be someone's job.

At some point, you are going to have to trust that your t cares about you. No matter what she says, you don't believe her. You find another reason not to believe her. That's why she won't answer. She doesn't feel that anything she says will be believed no matter what she says. This isn't about your t caring or not caring about you. You were really hurt growing up. That is what this is about. So talk to her about that inability to trust others because of your history. The adult in you knows rationally that what you are doing is faulty logic. It no longer applies to you, the adult. Your t cares about you. You are ruminating about how much she doesn't care and you're making yourself believe it, but it isn't true at all. This really isn't about your t. I know you are hurting and feeling really exposed and vulnerable right now. Just give yourself some time to regroup and get your feet under you.

[jexa]

Chris is right, googley. You know this isn't about T -- you know T cares -- this is about the past and how much you've been hurt. Here are some hugs, though. I'm sorry you are feeling so terrible.

[Hope4joy]

Googley - I so resonate with this. I spent the first year of my therapy questioning, probing, asking, denying, not believing her answers etc. It was so painful.

What we worked to, and it applied to all my relationships, is that until I learned to love myself, I would never believe someone else could. The void in me could never be filled by someone's words or actions because I didn't know how it felt to see care and love in myself. Once I began to feel it for myself, I stopped relying on others as much to prove they cared and started accepting they do because I was worthy of it. You are to.

Googley,

I can SO relate to this. And I'm realizing that I am always, always, always pushing away love, because for me "love" = getting hurt. It's such a deep, DEEP belief and it's really hard to imagine changing it.

If you need to hear T say she cares about you, can you tell her that? She said that she didn't say it because she knew you wouldn't believe it...but could you tell her that even if you don't believe it, part of you just needs to hear it? I used to FIGHT with my T about that kind of thing. There was more than once when I knew what I needed and he didn't want to give it to me, and I fought for it and he realized I was right. He doesn't ever "give in", but he is open, and curious, and will listen to my point of view and consider it.

The other thing I wonder is if you could back up a step and talk about WHY you are afraid to believe someone cares about you. Sometimes, for me, if I can really understand the "why", things start to shift inside a little bit.

Lots of safe , googley. I care about you

[WePow]

Originally Posted by googley

It hurt. It hurt and I felt vulnerable. I left T feeling so vulnerable and raw. I told T about how I was having trouble believing that she cared about me. And I asked her if she cared about me or if it was just the money. If the money was the reason she cared about me. But she didn't reply. She just went off saying something else. Then at the end she asked if I had anything else I wanted to say. I said that I felt like she was avoiding my question. She said that she wasn't answering it because she didn't think I would believe her. It made it feel like she was avoiding it. It hurt so much when she said that. Like she was saying that it wasn't even worth trying. That hearing it wouldn't help. And it wasn't like she addressed the money part. She did answer it by saying she couldn't do the job if she didn't care. But does that mean that she only cares because it is her job, and hence she doesn't care about me because I'm me. I don't want to just be someone's job.

OMG - you just said what my mind thinks so often when I go to session!!!
I have even asked T if he would be the type of person who would just pass me by without saying a word to help me if he saw me in the park bawling my eyes out. Or would he stop and check on me as a stranger?
He was honest and said "I am usually lost inside my head and in my own world, and I don't see people outside of myself sometimes. I am working hard on not being that way. So I might not see you crying."

Then I asked him "If you did actually see me crying, would you just walk away because you are a T and I was not paying you? Or would you stop to make sure I was safe or see if you could help me right then?"

His reply shocked me. He said "If I saw you, I would stop. In fact, I have done that a few times in my life when I did see someone in distress. I do care about people. I don't just care because it is my job."

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by WePow

He said "If I saw you, I would stop. In fact, I have done that a few times in my life when I did see someone in distress. I do care about people. I don't just care because it is my job."

this made me smile, thank you so much.

My T commented that she is one of the blessed few who getsto do for a living what they love . People, and helping people, is her passion.

[peaches100]

Hi Googley,

I have had the same question/fear that you do: does my t really care about me because of who i am, or is she in it for the money or just behaving according to what her job requires (being nice because counselors are supposed to be accepting, validating, etc.). I have asked my t this, and she told me what yours did: That if she did not care about the people she worked with, she could not be in this profession. I also have found that what your t said rings true: hearing her say that does not convince *me.*

I'm finding that the only way i am able to believe she cares about me is by observing her words and actions toward me again, and again, and again. And then as i see and feel the trust and connection being built up between us, i trust just a tiny bit more. Misunderstandings and hurt feelings set me back into temporary distrust again. But we work through those ruptures and then slowly take just another step further.

I don't think you can force trust and safety, nor can you will yourself to believe somebody cares about you when you feel essentially worthless inside. It's a process of growing inside yourself, and in connection with your t.

[Sannah]

Googley, I'm sorry that session was tough. How are you now?

[googley]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

At some point, you are going to have to trust that your t cares about you. No matter what she says, you don't believe her. You find another reason not to believe her. That's why she won't answer. She doesn't feel that anything she says will be believed no matter what she says. This isn't about your t caring or not caring about you. You were really hurt growing up. That is what this is about. So talk to her about that inability to trust others because of your history. The adult in you knows rationally that what you are doing is faulty logic. It no longer applies to you, the adult. Your t cares about you. You are ruminating about how much she doesn't care and you're making yourself believe it, but it isn't true at all. This really isn't about your t. I know you are hurting and feeling really exposed and vulnerable right now. Just give yourself some time to regroup and get your feet under you.

We have talked about this in relation to other people. In relation to my relationships with other people. But part of her mode of therapy is to work things out with the T and then generalize to the rest of my life. And right now I am having trouble working it out between us. We know where it came from. We are trying to figure out how to fix it. But your reply really just seems to say that I should "pull myself up by the bootstraps" and get on with it. Yes, I admit I am stuck at this place right now. I wish I could just tell myself to believe her. But I can't. And right now neither of us is sure exactly what we will find when we start digging. But I know I can't just pull myself out of it with shear willpower. I did that my whole childhood and that didn't get me anywhere good. My small adult self can't just override the years of abuse and pain. The years when it was dangerous to trust anything anyone said. The ingrained messages that because people treated me like ****, that must be what I deserved. Because otherwise there was no way to make sense of what was going on. So please don't tell me to just pull myself out of this. I've had to act like an adult almost my whole life. If I need my T to be gentle with me and go slowly and go over things again, I don't see how that is a bad thing. The only people I have had in my life be gentle with me are my Ts. So I would really like to be able to trust what she says.

Originally Posted by treehouse

Googley,

I can SO relate to this. And I'm realizing that I am always, always, always pushing away love, because for me "love" = getting hurt. It's such a deep, DEEP belief and it's really hard to imagine changing it.

T asked why I felt like I didn't deserve to be cared about. And I couldn't tell her why. She said maybe it is just an overwhelming feeling. And I said it was. It's like it was the one thing I knew to be true and wouldn't change as a kid. I knew what to expect. I knew not to get my hopes up. Because when people did act like they cared, the next thing I knew they would hurt me. We talked about this before when it comes to relationships. Feeling that no one would ever want to be with me. But I think we are just going back to between us again.

If you need to hear T say she cares about you, can you tell her that? She said that she didn't say it because she knew you wouldn't believe it...but could you tell her that even if you don't believe it, part of you just needs to hear it? I used to FIGHT with my T about that kind of thing. There was more than once when I knew what I needed and he didn't want to give it to me, and I fought for it and he realized I was right. He doesn't ever "give in", but he is open, and curious, and will listen to my point of view and consider it.

I tried to tell her that. But she resisted answering. It made me feel like she didn't believe that I could change. So there was no reason to try. I really need her to say that she cares because I'm me. That she doesn't care because of the money and it is her job. And that sounds different than saying I couldn't do the job if I didn't care. That still leaves room for the only reason she cares is because it is the job.

The other thing I wonder is if you could back up a step and talk about WHY you are afraid to believe someone cares about you. Sometimes, for me, if I can really understand the "why", things start to shift inside a little bit.

The why is it is dangerous. People who say they care hurt you. But that is as far as we've gotten so far.

Lots of safe , googley. I care about you Thank you!

I know that I trusted my last T when she said she cared about me. It wasn't scary and hard. I did have to ask her if it was because of the money. And she said no it wasn't because of the money. I knew she cared. I believed she cared. I know that no two dyads are the same, but I want to be able to feel that my T now cares about me. And I don't really know exactly where the ability to believe went. Maybe because I had other people around who I knew cared about me. It didn't feel so hard. I didn't feel like I was putting my eggs all in one basket. One basket that had to be able to hold them. I know it isn't that I can't believe, it is that I don't believe. And that makes me feel lost.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Googley, I'm sorry that session was tough. How are you now?

I'm feeling a little better now. Last night after session was really rough. I knew I had a training to go to today so that kept me safe. But things are a little better now. I've told T how I don't like to leave things gaping open (and they definitely were yesterday). I think I'm going to have to remind her. I can't see the clock when I'm in session so I depend on her to start to shut things down and she didn't yesterday. When she doesn't I usually end up getting mad at her. Either because of something she said, or just because she didn't shut things down. So now I'm at the anger part of the cycle. But I guess that is important because if she didn't matter then I wouldn't waste the energy on being angry at her. Thanks for asking.

[chaotic13]

googley,
I'm sorry your T didn't just answer your question clearly and directly. Whether she thought your question wasn't really about her or needed to be redirect in some way to address some underlying issue she should have given you an honest response. IMO Whether you were going to believe it or not is irrelevant. IDK from my non-professional, patient perspective hearing my T say, "Chaotic, you know I care! Now lets talk about what is really going on here." , would have been much easier to deal with than avoiding my question and moving right into, "So, why do you think no one cares about you?" IDK it just seem to me that most of us in therapy need to have the obvious stated over and over and over again...its part of the unlearning process. Any educator will tell you it is so much easier to teach someone a totally new concept than it is to try and correct something that was learned incorrectly.

Originally Posted by googley

I wouldn't tell you to just be an adult and pull yourself out of a manic episode, use that adult self to do it, if you don't obviously you don't have enough willpower. So please don't tell me to just pull myself out of this. I've had to act like an adult almost my whole life. If I need my T to be gentle with me and go slowly and go over things again, I don't see how that is a bad thing. The only people I have had in my life be gentle with me are my Ts. So I would really like to be able to trust what she says.

I was talking about needing to really think through what you are dealing with with your t and being sure you realize that it really isn't about her. I was talking about the difference between what our "child" and our "adult" parts understand. I'm glad to see you understand that. That's a great start. That was all that I was talking about. I'm sorry if what I wrote upset you, but that was far from my intention.

[darkrunner]

Googley,
I've opened this thread about 50 times, trying to think of something helpful or encouraging to say.
(So if you look at view counts -that's because of me)
I think what you're going through, with wondering if your T really cares about you....maybe that is the part of healing you're going through. That is your work in therapy right now - the painful process of coming to the point of trusting and relying on T, and eventually coming the realization that you will not be hurt.

[zooropa]

((((((googley)))))) I can relate to so much of what you are saying. I don't know if it is helpful to you to hear that, because I'm basically just echoing what other people have said above, but it's true. And I think you are right on when you say that not believing T cares about you, not trusting even her words when she says so, it's about a deeply rooted core belief that you don't deserve to be cared for, so even if someone did, they must have ulterior motives. I get that SO MUCH. I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((googley))))

How are you doing? I have been reading over and over thinking that so many times and still I ask that question and wonder if I am somehow this project for them to figure out. Not only my t but those in my life that mean so much to me and I think I am sometimes afraid that the other shoe is about to fall at any moment and they will go away yet again. Maybe that is why I had a hard time coming back here. Because what you feel is what I feel so many times yet knowing that if it is not true, I then feel guilty. Adding yet another heap to the already big pile I feel.

When we grew up believing that no cared or that if someone cared it required something of us, it stands to reason that we would question everyone. Why would we feel that a t would be any different than anyone else. And why would they care now when they do not have too when no one did then when they were suppose to? Questions we all ask so many times and the answers somehow come back the same. And even when we try to convince ourselves this is different, somehow it still feels the same at the same time.

I think someone said it that we have to learn to love and accept ourselves. That is something I am still trying to do as I do not know what love is but yet, I know that it is somewhere and I see it sometimes with others. But somehow it slips back through the cracks as I try to hold on to the very idea that it could possibly be true at least for me. But each step I take as I walk through this, somehow the realization of my t and others caring is becoming more of a reality than I maybe want to see because what if it goes away, or what if it hurts me again. I guess I want so much to believe that it is possible that someone could care that maybe I cling to the hope it is true. And in clinging to that hope maybe somehow I can let it in a little at a time until someday it will be something I can grasp.

Know that I hear what you are saying and I validate you. What you feel is real and time will heal that if we allow ourselves to step even for a moment in the hope that someone could care. I hope you know that we care so much about you and are here for you. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by googley

I know that I trusted my last T when she said she cared about me. It wasn't scary and hard. I knew she cared. I believed she cared.

I want to be able to feel that my T now cares about me. And I don't really know exactly where the ability to believe went.

Maybe because I had other people around who I knew cared about me. It didn't feel so hard. I didn't feel like I was putting my eggs all in one basket. One basket that had to be able to hold them. I know it isn't that I can't believe, it is that I don't believe. And that makes me feel lost.

THis seems really important ^. So is it the differences in personalities of these therapists or is it that you have all your eggs in her basket now?? Or maybe a combination of both? At least you did believe at one time that someone cared. This is good.............

[googley]

I've been trying to figure out what exactly is making it hard to believe her. Part of it seems to be that she is avoiding saying straight out that she cares. She kindof hedges. I want her to say that she doesn't care about me just because it is her job to. That feels too much like I'm paying her to care about me.

I tried to go back to when I first really felt that I couldn't trust her. At what point did her words not provide a reassurance. I think it was the first time I called her and she didn't call me back because she forgot to check her messages all weekend. I hardly ever call T. My last T I called maybe three times in the three years I saw her. So I only do it when desperate and don't do it often. The one time I really needed her and she wasn't there. Even though she said that I should call her if I needed to. I understand that Ts make mistakes. But I feel like this broke something. This broke something that hasn't been repaired. I don't know how to repair it. So on top of my feelings of unworthiness, is a lack of trust. I don't trust people easily. I've been hurt too many times. Hurt by people I should have been able to trust. And now it feels like I've just been let down by another person I should be able to trust. I trusted her with scary things. Things I can't take back. I trusted her because that was the only way I was going to be able to deal with my ****. And now I just don't know why I did that. Why was I stupid enough to trust again? Don't I have enough examples of where that got me? It would have been different if she had said that she did not often return phone calls. But she didn't. She encouraged me to call. And now I don't know that I can trust what she says. I feel like something broke. Something inside of me broke and I don't know how to fix it. And I'm scared to bring it up.