[velcro003]

In WePow's thread, they talk about being honest and vulnerable with their T.

Tree said this:

It's such a paradox - I've found out that the more honest and vulnerable I let myself be with my T, the safer I end up feeling. It can be so scary to take those leaps of faith, but with a good T, it's worth it.

Yes, that IS such a paradox!! And something I am struggling with major right now. I've been with T for 2 years and 4 months, 1x weekly. So...awhile. FINALLY, a few months ago, my intense nervousness has disapated. Not totally, but a lot has. I think I mostly believe that she isn't rolling her eyes at me in frustration and is waiting for the right moment to kick me out. Mostly. I still have day s I struggle with that.

But now, I'm at a place where I am at all the hard stuff. I don't have this nervousness/fear to talk about anymore with her. We did that for two years. So now I have to talk about REAL stuff. I'm a classic avoider, and I really don't know how to talk about feelings when they are still fresh. I can report on how I was feeling in the past as long as I don't feel it anymore.

What I want to know is how on earth do you make that leap to really let yourself feel and be vulnerable with T? THe most open I am with her is in email, but I try not to do it very often. She said last week that emailing her is a way to let her know what is going on, but keeping myself distant from the emotional intensity of it all. I can let her know, and still have days to push those feelings back, so when I see her..if there is any negative repurcussions, it won't hurt nearly as bad.

I wrote out an email to T for last week's session, and instead of sending it to her, I printed it out. I brought it in, and told her that is what I did. And then never read it I couldn't.

To bring it back to the beginning of my post and Tree's quote...I wish I could believe that. What if I never do? How do you KNOW your T is ok? A good one?

Tree used the word "faith". I really think that is what we have to do. We have to trust and have faith in these people that we are talking to. That's something that has to come from within. There's no test for that. It's hard for us to do because we've been let down so many times before, but that person sitting across the room is there to help us, to be our listening ear, our confidant. We have to have faith in that person, that process.

[Chronic]

Velcro, I could have written this myself! I am at exactly the same place with my T

But now, I'm at a place where I am at all the hard stuff. I don't have this nervousness/fear to talk about anymore with her. We did that for two years. So now I have to talk about REAL stuff. I'm a classic avoider, and I really don't know how to talk about feelings when they are still fresh. I can report on how I was feeling in the past as long as I don't feel it anymore

Deep down I know that T will be ok with the "real stuff", that he will still be there, that he will support me, and that he will not reject me, but just the thought of telling him what is going on right now fills me with fear. Sometimes I sit there and physically cant get the words. Part of me wants to tell him, but I just dont know HOW to say it. He says I have to take a leap of faith with him, so that he can prove bad things wont happen with him. Easier said than done.

I do the same as you with emails- open up more and am more expressive, but when it comes to TALKING to him I freak out. I print it out then cant get the words out when I am there. I really feel for you. T always jokes with me about this, when I say I cant tell him, he says its like I am saying "I come to a talking therapy, and you actually want me to TALK to my therapist?!"

Sorry, no advice but I am right there with you. I hope you and T can talk about this and find a way forward. Its tough

[chaotic13]

Velcro, I think I've finally reached a point in therapy where the lump in the throat and the anvil on the chest is gone and I internally know that I can talk about anything on my mind with my T without being rejected or given the boot. I also then t get feelings and thoughts out via email first. I think for me its a way of disarming a bit before discussion them during a session. Sometimes I wish I would do that and could just experience them unrestricted during the session. After 2.5 yrs I STILL haven't figured out how to cry good or sad tears. IDK, although I feel abnormal about this, I think A LOT of people handle their emotions this way and maybe it's not a pathology, maybe its just the way we are wired.
I will say through that, especially recently, there have been times when I feel like we've had some REALLY deep "live" connections with my T. And these connections have felt wonderful. So I am now trying to just be gratiful when they occur and just try and let go of my frustration when I find that I've withheld and muted yet again.

Originally Posted by velcro003

What I want to know is how on earth do you make that leap to really let yourself feel and be vulnerable with T?

The only way I could do it was in teeny tiny steps. I never walked in and decided "ok, NOW I can tell him all of the hard stuff". I started telling him hard things in little bits and pieces. T would sometimes encourage me by saying "can you stay with it for one minute?" and that helped. It was scary, scary, scary to start talking about hard things. Sometimes, at the beginning, it would take me a whole session to get out one sentence...like "It was snowing outside". But the thing is, I would feel SO much fear and would make myself fight past it and I would finally get out the sentence and NOTHING BAD WOULD HAPPEN, and I would feel a little bit safer the next time.

Over time, I started being able to tell more at a time, and now I can spend most of a session on that stuff, if that's where I'm at. But the only way I could get to that point was by taking baby steps. Not really leaps of faith, but maybe little tiptoes of faith.

[dfh932]

Wow, I just feel the same way velcro, and others

Its very encouraging to read everyone's responses and how they are slowly learning to connect and be vulnerable.

Sometimes i have a problem because when we bring up something that seems painful or if it's about something that sounds not-good (self-esteem issues or whatnot), i just literally feel nothing inside. Its really weird b/c i know somewhere in my mind and do understand the implications of what we're talking about, but i just literally don't feel or think a thing. So it will be like T will say, "something, something something...because you feel you aren't worthy" or along those lines.
And i feel like i should be reacting, but don't feel or think any kind of reaction...sometimes i think in my head, "yeah, so what? it's just a fact of life for me, no biggie."
lol but would never want to say that or sound like a smarta**.
Then we'll be talking about something totally random and i'll just start tearing up? Or my mind will start having all these thoughts and i just feel confused and like it's hard to understand why this topic that doesn't even matter is making me vulnerable...so really, i have no idea how to access emotions when i'm right there in the moment....it' almost surreal.

But what a relief to hear of others' success and to know that it is possible

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Tree used the word "faith". I really think that is what we have to do. We have to trust and have faith in these people that we are talking to. That's something that has to come from within. There's no test for that. It's hard for us to do because we've been let down so many times before, but that person sitting across the room is there to help us, to be our listening ear, our confidant. We have to have faith in that person, that process.

It definitely is a leap of faith, but how do you get that faith?! I have no clue.

Originally Posted by Chronic

Velcro, I could have written this myself! I am at exactly the same place with my T

Deep down I know that T will be ok with the "real stuff", that he will still be there, that he will support me, and that he will not reject me, but just the thought of telling him what is going on right now fills me with fear. Sometimes I sit there and physically cant get the words. Part of me wants to tell him, but I just dont know HOW to say it. He says I have to take a leap of faith with him, so that he can prove bad things wont happen with him. Easier said than done.

I do the same as you with emails- open up more and am more expressive, but when it comes to TALKING to him I freak out. I print it out then cant get the words out when I am there. I really feel for you. T always jokes with me about this, when I say I cant tell him, he says its like I am saying "I come to a talking therapy, and you actually want me to TALK to my therapist?!"

Sorry, no advice but I am right there with you. I hope you and T can talk about this and find a way forward. Its tough

Thanks, Chronic THe bolded part...is something I dont know if I know. That is what is holding me back, the fear that she will get mad or annoyed or think I'm stupid...SOMETHING. I don't exactly know what.

She said that it is deeply ingrained in me that if I share my feelings, that someone will either get mad or upset at me, and I have the feeling of "whats the point." So true. What IS the point?! I know intellectually, but it is hard to feel it.

This is the email I wrote her that I just could not read out loud in session. (I didn't actually send the email, just printed it out)

I have spent all day trying to convince myself NOT to write you. I even wrote in my journal, but my brain won't shut up. You know how today you said that I make life more difficult for myself? I agree with you, but it makes me feel like I'm failing at therapy....again. I feel worthless. I don't want it to be so hard for me to talk about stuff. Something has shifted though, because while there still is a lot of silence, and I still feel like running straight out the door when it gets hard, my mind isn't a complete blank anymore. Today was the first time since probably the summer i graduated that I felt anything other than detachment towards what happened. I was really sad and angry at what my mom couldn't provide. I don't know how to talk about that, and it is scary. Just like I couldn't talk about me crying in bed a few weeks ago. It was too real, and as you know, I need to back away from those feelings before I can talk about them. I just am afraid to open myself up, feel
the fear and sadness, and then be left alone with that. It is me alone that has to deal with that at night.

The bolded part is especially what I am scared of. That she is going to get upset that I am making her feel like a bad T or something.

[Chronic]

((((velcro))))

This is getting scary for me- I feel like you are writing from my mind!

That email is just the kind that I send to T, but can never discuss with him in person. I know its scary, but I really dont think T will be angry or upset with you for feeling like you are failing at therapy. I think it is something important that T would welcome- it helps her to understand and help you. Ts are trained not to take everything we say to them personally, even if it is directly about them. My guess is that she will be upset FOR you that you feel like this and how you find it so difficult to talk to her.

Have you told T that you are scared that she will be upset or angry with you? This has been a discussion me and T have had continuously for nearly the whole time I have been with him. And because he knows how I feel about that, he knows to go slowly with me, not to push and just to sit and be patient. My feeling is that your T would probably react the same way- sometimes we need to give T a little to work with, for them to really prove themselves.

Let us know how things go

[ECHOES]

A leap of faith is a concious decision that you commit to.
It may take practice and you may feel like you can, but then you can't in the end. And that is OK, because you are practicing. It will come.

velcro, I know we always say this but this is a really good therapy topic and may help you to find in you that leap of faith.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by Chronic

((((velcro))))

This is getting scary for me- I feel like you are writing from my mind!

That email is just the kind that I send to T, but can never discuss with him in person. I know its scary, but I really dont think T will be angry or upset with you for feeling like you are failing at therapy. I think it is something important that T would welcome- it helps her to understand and help you. Ts are trained not to take everything we say to them personally, even if it is directly about them. My guess is that she will be upset FOR you that you feel like this and how you find it so difficult to talk to her.

Have you told T that you are scared that she will be upset or angry with you? This has been a discussion me and T have had continuously for nearly the whole time I have been with him. And because he knows how I feel about that, he knows to go slowly with me, not to push and just to sit and be patient. My feeling is that your T would probably react the same way- sometimes we need to give T a little to work with, for them to really prove themselves.

Let us know how things go

I'm so glad I'm not alone!! I have talked with her about me being afraid of her being mad or upset. We both know that it really isn't about her, and I think she is of the philosophy to not necessarily respond to my fears. She doesn't say "No matter what you say I won't get mad", but she also never has ever changed the way she responds to me...always neutral, always interested. She is much like your T, where she is so so so patient and goes so slowly. Just last week we laughed because the beginning of every session is ALWAYS awkward for me. I HATE IT. I never know how to begin, so I just stare at her...look back...stare....laugh nervously and go "Soo...." EVERY WEEK.

This week I laughed at my nervousness and she goes "I wonder if there will ever be a day when you will just sit down and talk." Yeah right, T!

Originally Posted by ECHOES

A leap of faith is a concious decision that you commit to.
It may take practice and you may feel like you can, but then you can't in the end. And that is OK, because you are practicing. It will come.

velcro, I know we always say this but this is a really good therapy topic and may help you to find in you that leap of faith.

It IS a good therapy topic....if only I got up enough guts to talk about it with her.