intensive therapy program

Day 1
Well, it started. Complete with puppets and stickers. lol. We all introduced ourselves, which T sent us, and why we were there (isolation and goals, we all said). We had to pick an animal puppet and introduce ourselves as the puppet and why we resonated with it. That was interesting - at first I was thinking Ooooooooooooooh BROTHER!! The stickers (stars of course) are to mark each day when we accomplish our goals. Mine this week are on eating right.
Ironically, part of me really wanted to screw up the medical diet. and other voices chimed in NO! We won't get our stars!!! So, with as many mindsets as I have this shall prove to be interesting. One is very cynical of this whole thing. Puppets and stickers?!?! Puhleeeeeeze. But the child minds are of course overjoyed with both. First we wanted the elephant... then the jaguar.... then the crocodile was our ultimate pick. Which worked because I had an aligator puppet as a kid, so that was my "connection" and my cynical brain could snap the jaws everytime something in there bugged her.
Then we pared up the circle into 4ths to determine which place had us stuck; family/trauma/life origin; food /body/physical; relationships; or spiritual. I had a foot in both the 1st and 2nd. I said both are intrinsicly linked to each other. So the first is where i am stuck, and the second is where this week's goals are.
I still think 90 min is a bit short for as many people as we have, but there it is. =) Till Wednesday!

Good to hear. yeah, my day treatment and partial hospitalization programs had stuff like that that i at first thought was stupid, but later on it really helped me connect with the whole thing and everyone. It made it a bit fun; dorky fun, but that's ok. It worked.

Good luck.

thanks for sharing that with us, Kiya. It sounds interesting! I would have a hard time identifying where I am stuck. I don't even think I know what that means, honestly. I would also probably find it difficult to know what sent me there, if I had to figure it out for myself vs having someone TELL me.
I agree 90 mins isn't very long, how many are in the group?

I'm so glad that you like the program Kiya! Thanks for updating us.

Kiya-
I'm glad you are liking the program.

Kiya,

Thank you SO much for the update. The program sounds like it has a lot of potential...good for you for being so brave and trying something new

Impatient - yes, it worked well as an ice breaker (who can tell I've facilitated groups before?! :P) because everyone is nervous about it and everyone feels stupid about it, and it connects us each to the core of the matter without us knowing we're doing it - bypassing all the adult walls we all have up.

Zooropa - I want to say there were 9 people plus T. Many there had a hard time identifying where they are stuck (course, that's why we're all there lol because we *are stuck* and we all either don't know why or can see a way out if we do know why. For those who know Meyers Brigg, I'm an INTJ so I tend to spend a lot of time self-reflecting and analyzing so I knew right where to go and was firm in my dual position.

As much as I ahve been feeling like I need something like this, I am already finding day two (tomorrow) to be toooooooooo sooooooooon!!! heh. Thus the intensive part. But I can say I have star stickers on my goal chart The analyzing part is already kicking up and I've given myself half stars (for eating chocolate, but it is gluten free and dairy free; things like that). Tonight I can'd decide if I get one or not... I ate chicken (star) and also half a chocolate bar, 3 chocolate chip cookies (gluten/dairy free), and some chocolate almond milk. Trying to be strict with my medical diet ends up rebounding. *sigh*. Having triggers really doesn't help, and there were lots today.

Thanks Tree, Googley, Sanah for the encouragement!

Head is really spinning today. we had to do a timeline of our lives and write in traumas/ who did them, as well as helpers/guides who got us through.

there's so much going on right now - i wish i could do columns in here.

positive: I'm graduating with my Masters on Sat., i got through group and the triggers, took a xanax when I could tell i was slipping, pulled out Benedict (the armadillo stuffy with the identity crisis), wrapped my arm in my scarf when i started sharpening my claws on it, told the T i was having a hard time, took tiem to myself, sat in my car for lunch in the sun between group and my own therapy apnt. have done fairly well considering everything.

negative: totally triggered, somewhere between manic, anxiety, and sui. wanting to cut to just numb everything. wanting to do all my bad coping skills.

It is so odd. The trauma crap so hard. I want to excel in life. I want to numb. I am graduating! I want to sui so i don't have to ever look at trauma and triggers and T's again. The world is opening up! The world is ending in this gaping maw, this chasm of the inner rings of hell. I get to skip the next 2 intensive sessions because of the commencement trip! I have to come back and put myself back into facing this again. i want to heal! I want to give up! I try to eat well on my medical diet. My stomach is crashing with stress and fear. Which is real? Can they both be real? REALLY? I sent out 10 graduation announcmenets. I got one response. In desperation, I sent out a mass email, i got back tons of good wishes. I dreamt I was on a plane and we landed to pick up more people. Then we all got off to look at an ancien ruin of a temple. and the plane left without me - leaving me in the drawing night, on an air strip in the middle of a jungle with me flashing the airport light on and off... watching the plane leave me there. I am both excited and terrified. Grateful and ill. Wanting to move forward and throwing up with anxiety.

I'm questioning my sanity, my life, my ability to cope WHILE holding it together, doing the motions, getting through triggers mostly... working on containment in T. I have a sore throat from.... ??? unspoken words? fear of panic and old ghosts? Are they real? will they tear me apart? the trauma? will it finally swallow me whole? In my mind's eye, I can see myself attempting sui the day after my graduation - what is wrong wiht me? I know i won't. I'm not saying that - I don't think. There is just this strong ambivilance - which will I do? What will happen? Will my life be good and open up in possibilities? or will it fall to its demise. Yes, the choice is MINE. God help us. The choice is mine. and the choice - the anxiety of the choice is eating me alive. Oh god help me for i am sore afraid.
Welcome to intensive therapy.

My dearest Kiya, I am so sorry that you are struggling. You are so clear in your fears, though. I remember when I first met you here. You would explain a fear and be all over the place. It would take many posts to sort through it. The time frame would be weeks I think. But look at you now. You wrote your fears out very clearly in one post. Now I see that as progress. Your mind has focused so much more. This is so good.

I see a theme of change here. No wonder you are scared. You just went through some huge changes with your move. And you know what? You adjusted so fast. I was really so proud of you. And I'll bet you will adjust to this even faster. Maybe your graduation fears are mostly anticipation? If they are, this is good because your fear will dissipate soon after the graduation.

I also see that you are upset because people can't come to your graduation? I'm sorry . You know, I didn't even go to my Bachelor's or Master's graduation. I went to my Associates Degree one and I hated it so I never went to any other. My problems concerned having family to celebrate it with. Things just are what they are, you know?

Your dream was very clear and its connection with this issue.

Kiya, you have made so much progress over this last year. I think that your life will be good and it will open up with new possibilities........

(And it does sound like you handled being triggered from the trauma exercise very well!)

wow Kiya, that sounds so intense! I cannot imagine doing a timeline of my life that way. Just thinking about doing it makes my head spin.

And yes, so much change going on right now! I'm so glad you can come here and be so articulate w/your thoughts and fears and feelings. This IS the work, Kiya. This is how you heal. You're doing it.

Kiya, apologies for lateness. I'd intended to keep up but have had insomnia for weeks and it's caught up with me. Headaches, no sleep, bad stomach, exhausted.......anyway, at home, in bed, barely functioning.

Trauma work is hard. Therapy is hard. And you're in intensive treatment (or "light" intensive, I wouldn't call the schedule you're on intensive. To me that means daily.) so it's intensely hard.

You'd be doing better I think if you met everyday or 5 days a week because when you do intensive work, it's hard to leave it behind easily. Seeing someone the next day would help you, but i know that's not possible right now for this program and the way the system is screwing with you.

Congrats on the MA. I have one, too. Now we'll let you sit with the cool crowd at lunch. this is part 1.

(((((Kiya))))) The group sounds like it is giving you an immense amount of clarity. It is SO HARD to be clear. But when I read your post I thought, wow, she is MOVING!

Personally, I found graduating to be a HUGE transition in life. And even if you didnt have all the other stuff you are working on its enough to send anybody into a tailspin. I am SO very very proud of you for persevering, getting your Masters Degree, taking care of yourself and doing this very difficult work in intensive therapy. Just being there is a leap in progress toward healing your life.

I hope your graduation stuff went well, uh, with dear 'ol mom. And you have the perfect place to work it out when you get back!
Hugs and hugs and hugs and hugs and hugs and hugs (I didnt think the hugging balls could express my hugs well enough....)

Kiya, part 2:

I see two things going on:

1. You're at the end of the road for a specific stage of your life with uncertainty about where to go from here, what was it all for, blah-blah blah (not meant as ridicule)---typical existential angst (literal), but that's only provoked at key moments of our lives. If we dwelt on that stuff all the time, we'd cease living. We'd be paralyzed by our analysis and wondering. Of course you feel horrible and confused and stressed!

2. While at this crucial life-stage, you're subject to intensive therapy where it seems a lot of it is left to you to do individually, i.e., not with a T working alongside and with you as you do it. And you were asked to do the hardest type of review of your life, i.e. looking at it on a dimension of traumatic events. Of course you feel horrible and confused and stressed! Where's the exercise to look at your life on a happy events dimension? Not now, if ever. You don't go to therapy because you're happy. You don't need to "work on" issues because YOU ARE happy. You'd be better served, as said in part 1. with a T walking through this with you and not having days between starting/doing something so difficult. Your one T appt. isn't enough to process it with all else going on.

Bad feelings are deliberately being called up. Sucks. You're missing out on some joy/good feelings about your MAJOR accomplishment due to the exercise. Yikes. Part 3 to come.

Part 3 of 3.

Sui: Nope, not now. That's a long-term decision, not something to be acted on when you've been temporarily pushed downward feelings-wise by a THERAPY exercise. Without that exercise, you wouldn't be feeling so down right now. Don't let that outside thing drive what you do. The feelings will improve as you get away from ruminating on trauma as you were required to do by outsiders. You don't have to spend your life ruminating on trauma, you do it only at certain, temporary points in therapy like right now. Right now isn't forever, unless you make it so with bad judgment.

Sui: 2 major points in my life when I got close, but didn't act (I've never attempted).

2003. I was very sui, but asked myself this question before taking action: Have I done literally everything I possibly could to have my MI/depression treated to be able to say "there's nothing possible to try anymore to improve" that would justify giving up, that proved I was hopeless? The answer was No! I hadn't tried ECT which pdoc and T wanted me to try, or partial hosp or day treatment, or a few other things. Since there were options to try, I didn't know that my future was hopeless. There was some hope, and I did ECT.

2008. After 4 years without a T after a really bad, painful termination by my longtime T, I got very sui again. but asked myself this question before taking action: Have I done literally everything I possibly could to have my MI/depression treated to be able to say "there's nothing possible to try anymore to improve" that would justify giving up, that proved I was hopeless? The answer was No! I contacted my T in NY from NINE years earlier--our last appt. before I moved back to my home state. Flew and did 3 sessions, turned myself over to his judgment. Went to Partial Hosp and then Day Treatment at his suggestion and things improved greatly. I've tried some diff. meds since then, etc. other stuff. I know you're limited right now in what you can try, but that's temporary, not permanent, and is due to system issues, not you yourself.

I’m sure your answer is No!, as difficult as it might be to do something else right now, there are types of therapy, other treatments, etc. out there to try. Write out everything you’ve worked with and I’m sure people here can tell you about other options you haven’t tired. (Among which includes a different T and pdoc, even if right today you can’t make those changes, at some point you’ll be able to).

Congrats again on the degree. It's a big deal. Be proud.

Kiya, congratulations on your graduation. What an accomplishment! I wish you a wonderful day tomorrow.

I'm proud of you.

Kiya, everyone..........sorry for the lengthy, rambling posts.

Going through major Buspar withdrawal right now. Just realized that's what's been up with me this week. Very agitated and high strung and energetic. Making Urgent Care appt now that i realize what's up.

Congratulations on the graduation, Kiya; I hope you can have fun today!

I'm sorry, imapatient. I had that too when I went off Buspar. Took me awhile to figure out what was going on. I wish my doc had warned me, but she just had me stop it abruptedly. I thought I was flipping out--the word I would use is "volatile." I hope you get through it soon. I think it took a week or two for me. Hang in there.

Kiya, sorry for the derailment.... I am thinking of you today and your graduation. It is a lovely day for it in our part of the world.

Kiya-
I know that when I graduated from undergrad they told us about a sense of ending and how even though we were ending (and a lot of people had jobs lined up-though not me, but that is another story) and it was a happy time and we were being acknowledged a lot and excited about the changes, we also might feel depressed, and stressed out about the changes. And that was totally normal. We were making major changes. I can see the same thing happening at the end of any degree. Everything that feels familiar and routine is leaving. When I quit work because I was going back to school, all I could think about for a while was where I would have been and what I would have been doing whenever I looked at the clock. Graduating is a major deal.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

Right here for ya imp - can you take another half or something? ease you through?

WOW! so many responses! I want to look at these again when I'm not fried - it's midnight-thirty and I'm cross-eyed. But I'm a Master in cross-eyed Mom treated me very VERY well - almost unnervingly so. Now mother's day to get through... and I believe it is expected to be a 180 now.... keeping fingers crossed. ANd I am learning to not engage when she "starts".
Till later!!!

Hugs and hugs and hugs!!!

Kiya, congratulations on achieving your Masters! An awesome accomplishment!

Very good!

Congrats Kiya on your Masters!

back from graduatiion, and back into the program tomorrow - a wee bit nervous; last time i was there (a week ago) things started getting... well, intense. and i kinda .... yeah.

Congrats on the graduation! Good luck with the program tomorrow. Just remind yourself...now you can officially "Master" anything that comes up!