need T, my whole life is falling apart

TayQuincy · May 30, 2010, 02:05 PM

I've never been so depressed and anxious. I'm struggling and need T. I've been calling her a lot because i've been in such internal upheaval. she didn't return my last two calls and the last one was long and teary. I didn't get the job i wanted so bad after two interviews and my financial situation is getting hopeless. I have a professional degree and am working a menial job right now that i can't handle because of my physical illness. Been married forever to a man who doesn't love me. He told me this years ago but i went into denial. Denial is gone now and i see everything crystal clear. It all has come to a head this weekend. my T is terminating with me at the end of the year and i'm so afraid of having no one at all, no support. A year ago i had so much support and was thriving. It's all dwindling away and life isn't what i thought it was. I am not who i thought i was. I need to feel secure and it's all uncertain now. everything. I am afraid of realizing that i am not important to anyone, not even T. I have needs and am used to settling for what i can get. I have no control of my life anymore, maybe i never did. please someone just be here with me, sit with me. I need hugs please

mixedup_emotions · May 30, 2010, 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TayQuincy

I've never been so depressed and anxious. I'm struggling and need T. I've been calling her a lot because i've been in such internal upheaval. she didn't return my last two calls and the last one was long and teary. I didn't get the job i wanted so bad after two interviews and my financial situation is getting hopeless. I have a professional degree and am working a menial job right now that i can't handle because of my physical illness. Been married forever to a man who doesn't love me. He told me this years ago but i went into denial. Denial is gone now and i see everything crystal clear. It all has come to a head this weekend. my T is terminating with me at the end of the year and i'm so afraid of having no one at all, no support. A year ago i had so much support and was thriving. It's all dwindling away and life isn't what i thought it was. I am not who i thought i was. I need to feel secure and it's all uncertain now. everything. I am afraid of realizing that i am not important to anyone, not even T. I have needs and am used to settling for what i can get. I have no control of my life anymore, maybe i never did. please someone just be here with me, sit with me. I need hugs please

(((( BIG HUGS ))))

I am so sorry you are in such a bad emotional place right now. Such a scary place to be.

First, take some deep breaths.

Can you go for a walk? Or call a friend? I find that when I'm in that bad, scary place, doing something active serves as a good distraction, even when I have no energy to do a single thing. I know, it's easier said than done.

((( HUGS ))) I am here...

pachyderm · May 30, 2010, 02:53 PM

(((((TQ)))))

WePow · May 30, 2010, 03:08 PM

BIG BIG HUGS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe you can leave it all behind - including the unloving H - and start over FRESH somewhere else? You can "re-invent" yourself! ?

rainbow8 · May 30, 2010, 03:40 PM

(((((TayQuincy)))))

I want to give you lots of hugs, first.

You've helped me a lot even when I didn't want to hear what you told me. You seem like such a strong person. Can you hold onto that thought? You CAN handle what life is giving you. It's not going to be bad forever.

About the job. Is it the only one in your profession that is available? Since you went on 2 interviews with them, they must have liked you. Maybe you can ask them to recommend you to another employer? I know it's hard to find a job now, but you've got to keep trying.

Why is T terminating with you at the end of the year? She's still your T now, though. Is there a reason she's not supportive? I'm sorry she didn't return your last 2 calls. Can you email her? Do you have a session next week? Maybe it's because of the holiday week-end she's not available right now.

Maybe you are thinking in black or white. I understand the need to feel secure. It takes 2. Why would your H stay in a marriage if he didn't love you? Maybe you could go to couples counseling?

You DO have control over your life. You can choose what to do now, but not while you're so upset. I agree about doing something distracting now, until you can see or talk to your T. She cares. We care about you here.

googley · May 30, 2010, 04:01 PM

((((((TayQuincy)))))))

I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time. Is there a reason you have to terminate with your T at the end of the year? Lots of hugs.

May 30, 2010, 05:48 PM

(((((((((((Tay)))))))))))))

Alexandria04 · May 30, 2010, 06:08 PM

(((TayQuincy))) I agree as well about getting out and doing something physical if at all possible, it will keep your mind occupied until you can hopefully see your T. We are here for you. I hope you get to feeling better.

ECHOES · May 30, 2010, 06:23 PM

(((TayQuincy))) I'm so sorry you are going through so many difficult things at one time.
I hope you can transition to a new T before the end of the year so you can have continued support.

Jobs are very hard to get right now and that's about the job market and economy, not about your worth. I admire you very much for the work you do, hanging in there and going to work every day---that is heroic to me

zooropa · May 30, 2010, 06:44 PM

Tay, I'm sorry things are falling apart right now.

I'm also really sorry your T hasn't returned your last couple of calls, that hurts. A lot. Especially when you really poured your heart out in the last message. Does she have a policy of not returning calls or something?

I know how scary it is to know that your T will be over at the end of the year. I think the key is to focus on right now. Right now you're not terminating, right now you do have T.

ECHOES · May 30, 2010, 06:49 PM

Quote:

she didn't return my last two calls and the last one was long and teary.

Since it is a holiday weekend, she may be busy and not checking her messages or not checking them as often. I think it's safe to assume she hasn't received your messages if she hasn't called back as usual.

rainbow8 · May 30, 2010, 09:08 PM

Tay, just want to know how you're doing now.

darkrunner · May 31, 2010, 05:55 AM

You are important. Don't give up.

mixedup_emotions · May 31, 2010, 10:01 AM

(((((((TQ)))))))

Hope you are hanging in there.....Please post an update when you can, ok?

(( HUGS ))

TayQuincy · May 31, 2010, 10:15 AM

Thanks everyone who posted and was here for me. I'm seeing t tomorrow morning. There is a possibility that she didn't get my messages, but not too likely. I feel so horrible and that i can';t let my T know how horrible because it's risky to slip backwards. I feel like i have to get thru alone and not show my pain, the severity anyway. This is just how it is for me...i'm scared and need to be good and not distress anyone else. But i have to tell her because i couldnt' possibly feel worse. I already feel the end is near i have nothing to lose. My husband and I haven't talked at all or even been in the same room since Sat.

mixedup_emotions · May 31, 2010, 11:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TayQuincy

Thanks everyone who posted and was here for me. I'm seeing t tomorrow morning. There is a possibility that she didn't get my messages, but not too likely. I feel so horrible and that i can';t let my T know how horrible because it's risky to slip backwards. I feel like i have to get thru alone and not show my pain, the severity anyway. This is just how it is for me...i'm scared and need to be good and not distress anyone else. But i have to tell her because i couldnt' possibly feel worse. I already feel the end is near i have nothing to lose. My husband and I haven't talked at all or even been in the same room since Sat.

(((( HUGS, TQ ))))

I'm glad you're seeing T tomorrow morning. I hope you do share with your T just how horrible you're feeling. It's important for your own health and healing. Even sharing with your T how you feel like you can't share the severity of the pain because of X, Y, Z, it may help you to discover some important things.

It's hard though. And remember that your PC friends are here for you...

BlueMoon6 · May 31, 2010, 03:08 PM

Tay- I hope you can share everything you posted about with T and how you hgave been feeling. I dont think she will let you down. You really need the support. If she has to terminate at the end of the year, maybe you can see some hope in starting with someone new. I find that when I begin with a new T there is a new level of honesty that I wasnt able to get to with the old one. It may be just what is needed. I have said this before and I SO have found it to be true. When one door closes, another one opens.

About the H. Are you SURE he doesnt love you? My H and I have spent days giving each other the cold shoulder. With Ts help these times are not so often now. But I know he loves me, he just pisses me off. And I piss him off. Oh, well. Does he say maybe that he doesnt love the way you are behaving? That is diff from not loving Tay.

WePow · May 31, 2010, 03:31 PM

Big hugs to you Tay. Just be totally honest. Keep on fighting for YOU!!!

rainbow8 · May 31, 2010, 03:45 PM

Tay, I'm glad you're seeing your T tomorrow. Please tell her what's in your heart. That's what she's there for.

TayQuincy · May 31, 2010, 04:20 PM

thanks guys. i just don't know if telling her what's in my heart is going to help or hurt me worse. She could very well tell terminate me early and not see me at all anymore if she thinks im too dependent on her. what happened is my littler parts are screaming with fear and i need reaasurance that she is not going anywhere. she said that a few weeks ago, but she also said last year that we would have to end therapy at the end of this yr. i am so scared of making things worrse. she will tell me to talk to my little one and calm he, tell her i am here for her. Who am i anyway? who knows? i have gone apparently

WePow · May 31, 2010, 04:33 PM

(((Tay ))) I hate to say it, but if she would terminate you for needing her - she is NOT worth you spending precious energy on - energy you have to use for true healing work. You need to be able to totally trust your T to be a T who will do what is right by you. They can make mistakes, but a good T is not afraid of being needed.

May 31, 2010, 04:42 PM

(((((((((((Tay))))))))))

I hope your T wouldn't terminate you for needing her while you are going through a very hard time

That makes me feel sad! If we can only talk to our Ts while we're doing fine, what's the point?

Do you really think she would terminate you? I know that I have been VERY scared that my T would terminate me at various points in my therapy, but that ended up being all about my fear, and not about T and his feelings or plans at all. I hope that's the case with you.

Take gentle care, Tay.

TayQuincy · May 31, 2010, 11:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by treehouse

(((((((((((Tay))))))))))

I hope your T wouldn't terminate you for needing her while you are going through a very hard time

That makes me feel sad! If we can only talk to our Ts while we're doing fine, what's the point?

Do you really think she would terminate you? I know that I have been VERY scared that my T would terminate me at various points in my therapy, but that ended up being all about my fear, and not about T and his feelings or plans at all. I hope that's the case with you.

Tree, i hope she doesn't terminate me right now when i am going through so much. It's hard enough anticipating the years end, hope she will be flexible about that. Too scared to ask her yet. My T can be a little harsh sometimes.

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