[sittingatwatersedge]

this is the topic du jour in my therapy right now.
I didn't write what follows here, but after I made my own outline, I found this and for me it covers about 90% (it doesn't speak to the fact that parents are to teach their children about God, by word but especially by example; that's what the family environment is FOR).

An ideal family would be one:

1. Where there is unconditional love, in which every member is accepted and respected for what she/he is, without any comparisons.
2. Where there is communication and empathic listening to the said and the unsaid in an atmosphere of peace and harmony.
3. Where being home means to be in a haven where one need not be anxious for one’s physical and emotional well being. Where every member can repose unconditional trust in the other. Where one is not alone in joy or in sorrow.
4. Where children are free to share their joys, fears, thoughts and perceptions in all their innocence and purity.
5. Where every member finds time to be there for the others.
6. Where we receive our first lessons in what is good and not so good. Where WHAT is right is more important than WHO is right. Where sharing and caring is a habit.
7. Where reprimands and corrections spring from a foundation of love. Where people learn by example. Where rights go hand in hand with responsibilities.
8. Where dignity and division of labour are respected and accepted.

ALL HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL
accepted
acknowledged
admired
appreciated
approved of
believed in
capable
challenged
clear (not confused)
competent
confident
forgiven
forgiving
free
fulfilled
heard
helped
helpful
important
in control
included
listened to
loved
needed
noticed
powerful
private
productive / useful
reassured
recognized
respected
safe / secure
supported
treated fairly
trusted
understandng
understood
validated
valued
worthy

[pachyderm]

Posting but not saying anything (out loud).

[Melbadaze]

Trouble with lists like that, they leave out the times when families do fail to uphold some of the above and sometimes its in that failure that we learn to tolerate adulthood and learn that sometimes we dont always get what we want exactly as we want, of course this doesnt mean abuse is ok, but an average family sometimes do not meet all of the above all of the time and that can be as important in our learningn as having a needs met. We learn that its not always about us and our needs that sometimes others need time for themselves and yes sometimes can mean we go without for a short while.

[purple_fins]

Yes, an ideal family would have been very nice. I know one probably doesn't exist-- but sure would have been nice to have one at least somewhere on the specturm of ideal instead of so dysfunctional.....

mine was more like this

1. conditional love-- each member will
"jump through hoops" to impress the parents and the one that jumps the
best will get the most love-- but that can change as the parents hold all the cards as to how to value each child.

2. communication is by yelling-- the loudest will be heard, empathy plays no role in the communication.

3. Home is a place where one must be as on guard as anywhere else, a place where trusting means getting hurt, it's best to not share joy or sorrow lest one be trampled for such emotions.

4. Innocence and purity is for those that are dumb and clueless.

5. Every member is self absorbed and trying to survive.

6. There are no lessons of what is good or not, it is experienced by often severe trial and error. WHO is always more important than WHAT is going on in any situation. Hoarding and apathy are a given.

7. Reprimands and corrections rarely occur. People learn not by example but by horrific experiences without guidance. Each one is responsible for their own self, no matter how small or inexperienced.

8. Respect and acceptance are earned with ever changing limits and goals-- with some never getting there.

I don't know a single family who has much of that. Is there such a thing? I don't think so.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

I don't know a single family who has much of that. Is there such a thing? I don't think so.

((((((((((((((((((((((purplefins))))))))))))))))))))))) a gentle hug for you with head down and eyes closed. You were there too, I see. no safe place. And very conditional love, based on getting it right - and "it" changed, and you weren't always told what it had changed to, but had to try to figure it out, each one's own burden, no matter how small or inexperienced.

There may not be an ideal family anywhere, I know that; people are only human; but I can name several on this very forum who are determined to make it better for their own children, taking great care that the cycle STOPS with them. I respect them immensely for it.

[Sannah]

There are families like this...............

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Sannah

There are families like this...............

You know, maybe there are. I knew one growing up... at least from what I knew of them it seemed that they had all of that. Going to see them was like visiting an oasis. Then I had to head back out onto the sand.

[purple_fins]

Thank you sittingatwatersedge

((((((((((((((((((((((purplefins)))))))))))))))))) ))))) a gentle hug for you with head down and eyes closed. You were there too, I see. no safe place. And very conditional love, based on getting it right - and "it" changed, and you weren't always told what it had changed to, but had to try to figure it out, each one's own burden, no matter how small or inexperienced.

yes, I was there too. I'm so sorry you experienced similar. I've always been mindful to stop the cycle with my family-- it's not been easy and I think I've failed with some things as I was not always aware--but I have tried and been ever learning.

yea, there was no safe place... so I created my own, within self (when I had to be at home) and also away from the home when I could be away.

Having to "try and figure 'it' out" was so difficult, the anxiety would shoot through the roof-- wasn't long before I learned to not even try and stay away from people all together.
I think, at least for me, being the youngest of a large abusive family was way more damaging than if I would have been the oldest... the oldest only had the parents to contend with, but each child after that had the older child/children to also defend against... so by the time number 7 is born.... well... I told T. it was like being in a pack of wolves... T. says it was perhaps worse than being raised by wolves... at least things are consistent with a pack of wolves and wolves teach their young, no matter what.

fins

There are families like this...............

Who? Where? Every single family I thought was like this ended up to be just as messed up as every messed up family I knew. Maybe there are some, but not that many.

[BlackCanary]

SAWE, I'm a parent, and this is what I aspire to!
However, truly, my goal in life is to achieve #1 above all else, and to ensure that my children know that unconditional love is to be handed down across the generations that follow me. I want it to be my legacy.

[growlycat]

A book that helped me early in therapy for those who are interested in healthy-but-not-perfect families:
Intimate Worlds: How Families Thrive and Why They Fail

[growlycat]

oops...by Maggie Scarf

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

Who? Where? Every single family I thought was like this ended up to be just as messed up as every messed up family I knew. Maybe there are some, but not that many.

Well, I have found that when you have issues that being around healthy people is painful, so most unhealed people avoid healthy people and continue to hang around the people that they are most comfortable with - the unhealthy. So maybe your sample is skewed?

I had to really work on this and now I am comfortable being around healthy people (after spending decades avoiding them like crazy!)

I would say this is what I *aspire* to in my family. Melba, I don't think it's totally black and white - that a family is like this or it isn't. Nothing is going to be perfect all of the time, and things almost always fall in the middle. But having this to aspire to gives me a roadmap, especially during difficult moments with my boys.

My family growing up was pretty much the opposite of what is listed here. There wasn't unconditional love, respect, safety, etc. So, when I became a parent, I read TONS of books - I knew I didn't want my family to be like the one I grew up in, and I had NO idea what another type of family would look like. Those books became my guides as I learned to do it differently than how it was done with me.

I think I will print that list and put it on my fridge, sawe. It's a beautiful reminder