[rainbow8]

I am frustrated with my session yesterday. My T is so willing to "go where I need to go" but I got too embarrassed to be completely honest with her. It's SO hard for me to be in this kind of therapy where T wants me to "feel" something in the session. That's always been my goal but it embarrasses me.

T and I both wanted to stick with the IFS and not do EMDR. She wanted to do more hand holding because it seemed so healing for me. But this time I was more embarrassed about it than before, and it didn't feel so great. I kept my eyes closed for almost the whole session; I just couldn't open them.

I started talking about my "running around the room fantasy", which is about wanting to be held, but somehow only was able to say "but you wouldn't do that". I know she'll hug me, but holding is different. So, I was frustrated on the couch, with her telling me "don't fight it", but I was too embarrassed to say what I wanted, because I knew it wouldn't work, would be a boundary crossing, and it would be awkward. So I said I wanted to lie down instead. She said that was okay, so she went to sit on her chair again. Well, I didn't want her to go, but I couldn't say that.

When I left I said I'd probably cry in the car, and she said crying was okay. She asked if was okay to leave. I was.

I had to email her at night about how embarrassed I was, and she already emailed me back with a very nice response.

I wish holding her hand would have felt as good as it did the last two sessions. I wish I still didn't feel frustrated and sad. She told me I could imagine her voice and get to the safe place I got to before the hand-holding. That was in the beginning of the session, and it felt nice. She's glad I'm asking my H for more because the goal is to "get my needs met" from people in my RL. She said in time it will be less about her.

This therapy has the potential to be really healing for me if I don't die of embarrassment first. I want to be totally honest with my T, but then I get scared. She's so easy to talk to, and so understanding, but I still get stuck and embarrassed. She thinks I'm doing great, though.

I guess I won't die from embarrassment. T said in the email that she's not judging me. It's so complicated, though. I can be honest with her and still not get what I want. She's not going to hold me. She wants me to "hold myself" or get it from others. Yet she will hold my hand like I want her to. She would hug me if I could not be embarrassed to want it. I don't know if I want it. Holding is different. The little girl wants to be held, not hugged. The adult was too much present at my session and she messed things up for the child.

This session was confusing for me, but it still helps to post about it. I always gain something from my session, but I wish I could have felt that same comfort as I did the last times. Please could I have responses?

[Perna]

I know about the embarrassment, sometimes it helps me if I pretend what I want/am talking about is like a dream and give myself some distance from it that way.

I get a lot of the holding sorts of things from my husband; maybe you can work with him some? My husband and I have a ritual, where every night before I go up to bed I turn and he pats my bottom and that's very little girlish/cared for feeling for me.

[skeksi]

rainbow, I really relate to this. I struggle a LOT with embarrassment in my sessions, to the extent that T has said it is my main obstacle to healing. There's no magic bullet to getting past it, but I think the fact that you are brave enough to keep trying means that you are, bit by bit, tearing down that obstacle. It takes a long time to unlearn the shame that has been built up over years and years.

(((((((((((Rainbow)))))))))))))

I get really embarrassed sometimes in therapy too - not as much now, but it used to be a HUGE problem for me. It's hard to really let someone else "see" us when we're used to putting on a certain face for the world.

What if you work through the embarrassment just a little bit each time? It doesn't have to be all or nothing. If you can just let yourself feel a little bit, or share a little bit about something embarrassing and see that you can survive that, and T is still there not judging you, and maybe even that you feel a little better eventually, then maybe you'll be able to share a little more the next time.

Therapy is a slow slow slow process (at least for me!). I know that you've seen other therapists for a number of years, but really, this is totally new territory for you.

Be patient with yourself

[granite1]

rain i read this really good book called letting go of shame,understanding how shame affects your life by by ronald and patricia potter-efron.it was a book i just picked up and started reading and it was amazing.i think you might find it helpfull with these feelings

I'm not sure what to say at all but you are not alone. I struggle with these same difficult feelings


It hurts.

[chaotic13]

IDK if it is the same, but last year I had worked through some of my touch issues and in doing so I encountered an incredible healer (a massage therapist/bodyworker) who taught a class I took. For whatever reason my inner child seem to just pop right up inside my head and was just magically drawn to this woman's energy and her voice. I talked about this woman with my T and eventually overcame my resistance and scheduled a few private sessions with her. The first session was nice but mainly I was too anxious to get very deep. BUT the second session...was a totally different story. Although I didn't talk much during this session I had an incredible and totally unexpected experience during the session with her. Basically my inner child, whom I typically envision as a child of 3-4 that surfaces and either hides or sit next to me, surfaced and was held for what seemed like a REALLY long time. In actuality it was probably 30 second to a minute at most, but the experience totally unexpected and just blew me away. The healer knew something significant happened but I didn't really tell her what I experienced until a week later because...well my rational mind kind of flipped out about what happened. I am so grateful that I was able to share what happened first with my T and then later with the healer.

This experience was really intense and it temporarily created a lot of mental noise and all kinds of fears like...I want this healer to hold me all the time now, its weird to be a grown woman imagining being held like that...etc. But NONE of my fears happened. In fact the adult me jump right in to capitalize on this experience by sending the child back to this place of being held when she got really scared by memories. It was just an incredible, one time healing experience that seemed to meet that need and hasn't left me craving to be held again. My adult has learned to replicate it on my own.

[jexa]

rainbow, I can TOTALLY relate to being incredibly embarrassed in therapy. It definitely hinders my progress at times. I think it is so hard to believe that a T really doesn't judge us and really is safe and it's really okay to be vulnerable. No matter how many times I tell myself that my feelings and reactions are not judged in therapy, I still don't trust that.

However, I have to say that I think you're doing really well with this stuff, rainbow, and your willingness to be vulnerable in therapy is beyond what I could do, for sure. What are you rushing toward, rainbow? What makes it so hard to trust this process, to let your feelings come up as they are, including embarrassment and resistance to the process?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Hi Rainbow,
I wonder if you are giving yourself enough time... something big came up with the hand holding thing, and since the impact has receded somewhat, I guess it's being processed. Can you breathe a little and let that happen and then find out what comes next? It may be that what ever IS next is still a little distance away. Patience is for the brave....

[rainbow8]

I'm feeling kind of sad but hopeful. T "shatters my dreams" because it is ultimately ME (and to some extent others in my life) who has to be there for myself (child parts and all) yet she is willing to be there far more than any of my other Ts. So, underneath the embarrassment I am so very grateful for my T.

Thanks for the replies.
Perna: Sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream. I see your point. This week I was too much aware that I was there, whereas the last two I let myself do what the child part wanted. I definitely notice the difference. I'm trying to get some of those needs met by my H; it's hard, though, and somehow not as satisfying to me.

skeksi: Thanks! T keeps telling me that wanting to be touched and being hugged or held are normal needs. I want and don't want them at the same time. I didn't realize that I was ashamed of those needs, but apparently I am.

tree: I know I have to be more patient. I just feel like time is running out and I'm uneasy about it. You're right. It's like starting therapy over because it's so different and it's uncharted territory.

granite: I'm always looking for new books to read. Thanks so much for replying and for the suggestion.

ghost: It's nice to "see" you again here. Thanks!

chaotic:

This experience was really intense and it temporarily created a lot of mental noise and all kinds of fears like...I want this healer to hold me all the time now, its weird to be a grown woman imagining being held like that...etc. But NONE of my fears happened. In fact the adult me jump right in to capitalize on this experience by sending the child back to this place of being held when she got really scared by memories. It was just an incredible, one time healing experience that seemed to meet that need and hasn't left me craving to be held again. My adult has learned to replicate it on my own.

Yes! That's the way I feel about my therapy now. Holding hands with my T "created a lot of mental noise". I like the way you put it. I'm still processing it and hopefully will learn to give myself that sense of healing. I'm glad you were able to do it. That gives me hope!

jexa: I'm not sure what I'm rushing toward. Maybe just getting those feelings inside of me because I want them so badly. The first session that my T and I held hands I felt like "this is what I missed my whole life." I'm rushing toward feeling that again but it's not happening. I'm also rushing in therapy, in general, because I'm older and scared about that. I could have many more years ahead of me or maybe not. I want to make the most of them.

[rainbow8]

SAWE: Thank you! Yes, the "hand holding thing" is something so big that it does need a whole lot of processing and time to do that. The whole issue of touch is something I haven't explored at all in therapy. It's so important to me that I'm going through time between sessions in a kind of daze. I want to hibernate, meaning I wish I could just post on PC and go to therapy. RL can just go on without me for awhile. But, no. I'm applying what I'm learning in therapy to life at home with my H. So far the scale still tips in favor of therapy, but I'm working on it, at least.