[WePow]

Well guys, I got to see my T on Wed and Thursday this past week. I really needed that. This Wed I will see my father for the first time in 3 yrs. He was a primary abuser. I haven't seen him at all since my memories surfaced.

Anyway, my T doesn't want me to see him, but I really can't get out of it without hurting my mom deeply. They are passing through on the way to my half-sister's wedding. My sister's full blood brother is not even going to attend because she is having my dad walk her down the isle. Most of his kids don't forgive him for the many violations he did. But I decided I will see my dad and that I will stay silent about what I know because he will have all these excuses lined up (they know I am in therapy but think it is for other stuff and so it is like he is waiting for the other shoe to drop.) (( That makes me glad my dad is feeling that because now he knows what it was like for us kids growing up! )).

Anyway, my T is standing by me through this, but he told me that honestly he thinks or fears I will fall apart. When he said that, it just made me internally more resolved to NOT fall apart because I want to prove him wrong and I feel that he still doesn't know me. And I feel like I have a need to prove myself to him as being stronger than he thinks I am. He sees me when I am in my low state. He doesn't know really what I look like when I have my fortress deep and mighty built up all around me.

But the cool part was when he told me that it was his stuff - that he saw me like a little sister and he wanted to protect me. I had younger brothers while I was growing up and so I felt the need to protect them (but couldn't protect them from dad). So this is like I feel that someone actually has my back in all of this. T was even getting upset thinking about my dad being around me since he knows all the horrors that no one in the universe knows except T. I was actually soothed very deeply by this. It was like the battle against my dad was not just mine any more. It was like I had someone in my corner for a change! Wow. That took my stress down about 75% !!!!

Isn't it amazing how just having another human in your corner can make you feel so much stronger? So when Wed comes and next Thursday, I will be facing my dad but will look him in the eye and he will know without me saying a word that I know. And I will be standing up to my abuser. And it will not be just me. I will be standing there as a survivor with my T telling his abuser the facts of things. And I will stand there on behalf of every child who was abused and all of you guys (anyone who wants me to stand there for you and confront your abuser too).

With this type of work that I will do, I know there is going to be a massive sense of freedom and victory that will result. So if you want to send me a pm or reply on this post and say "Stand up for me too!" I will do it and will keep you in my heart and soul as I make this stand.

Peace and Joy to all of us :-)

[rainbow8]

WePow, I can feel your strength and determination to confront your father. I think it's wonderful that your T is protective of you and that makes you feel good. Yes, it is good to have someone on your side! I will have you in my thoughts on Wednesday.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by WePow

Isn't it amazing how just having another human in your corner can make you feel so much stronger?

Yes. I am so thankful for this.
This was a very moving post, WePow. In it, I can see your stregth. The kind of stregth that comes with time/growth and self-awareness, flexible like the tallest tree that must be able to move with the wind.

Please stand for me too.

E

[WePow]

(((((Rainbow ))))) :-) Tons of thanks!!!!

((((((((( Elana )))))))))) Thank you very much! I will stand for you too !!!!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by WePow

T was even getting upset thinking about my dad being around me since he knows all the horrors that no one in the universe knows except T.

And your dad. Don't underestimate the situation, WePow? I don't know that it is a battle of inner "strength" necessarily.

[sunrise]

Stand up for me too, WePow! You are brave and healing.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by WePow

Well guys, I got to see my T on Wed and Thursday this past week. I really needed that. This Wed I will see my father for the first time in 3 yrs. He was a primary abuser. I haven't seen him at all since my memories surfaced.

Anyway, my T doesn't want me to see him, but I really can't get out of it without hurting my mom deeply. They are passing through on the way to my half-sister's wedding. My sister's full blood brother is not even going to attend because she is having my dad walk her down the isle. Most of his kids don't forgive him for the many violations he did. But I decided I will see my dad and that I will stay silent about what I know because he will have all these excuses lined up (they know I am in therapy but think it is for other stuff and so it is like he is waiting for the other shoe to drop.) (( That makes me glad my dad is feeling that because now he knows what it was like for us kids growing up! )).

Anyway, my T is standing by me through this, but he told me that honestly he thinks or fears I will fall apart. When he said that, it just made me internally more resolved to NOT fall apart because I want to prove him wrong and I feel that he still doesn't know me. And I feel like I have a need to prove myself to him as being stronger than he thinks I am. He sees me when I am in my low state. He doesn't know really what I look like when I have my fortress deep and mighty built up all around me.

But the cool part was when he told me that it was his stuff - that he saw me like a little sister and he wanted to protect me. I had younger brothers while I was growing up and so I felt the need to protect them (but couldn't protect them from dad). So this is like I feel that someone actually has my back in all of this. T was even getting upset thinking about my dad being around me since he knows all the horrors that no one in the universe knows except T. I was actually soothed very deeply by this. It was like the battle against my dad was not just mine any more. It was like I had someone in my corner for a change! Wow. That took my stress down about 75% !!!!

Isn't it amazing how just having another human in your corner can make you feel so much stronger? So when Wed comes and next Thursday, I will be facing my dad but will look him in the eye and he will know without me saying a word that I know. And I will be standing up to my abuser. And it will not be just me. I will be standing there as a survivor with my T telling his abuser the facts of things. And I will stand there on behalf of every child who was abused and all of you guys (anyone who wants me to stand there for you and confront your abuser too).

With this type of work that I will do, I know there is going to be a massive sense of freedom and victory that will result. So if you want to send me a pm or reply on this post and say "Stand up for me too!" I will do it and will keep you in my heart and soul as I make this stand.

Peace and Joy to all of us :-)

weepownot so sure myself about this meeting.i hope in my heart that it will be a great chance to move foward and to see himas you are and adult and him a lot less scarey and maybe even as pathetic as he sounds to me.not someone to fear but someone not worth your time and energy love hate or even a neutral thought.i will be thinking of you in my heart and wishing you all kinds of strength

[Fuzzybear]

WePow

Your T sounds awesome!

[WePow]

Perna, thank you for your wisdom and caution. I know it will be one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I know that man - sadly. I have held him while he cried like a baby too many times. Emotionally, he "used" me as his therapist while I was growing up (in addition to other abuse). So I really do know him and how he works. My fear had not been over him, he is 82 yrs old now and a skinny, frail man. My T even said he would love to be able to "whoop" him for what he did to me and wouldn't feel bad at all even with my dad being so old and such. I know for a fact that my dad's percieved "perfect" relationship with "HIS" "baby girl" is one of the most valuable things he has in his entire life. He doesn't expect me to remember what was done. And he had re-created the past in his mind so many times with lies and everything else that I honestly wonder how much of what he did HE actually remembers at times. He is a sociopath who has convinced himself that he is not the monster some see he is.

So I know that when I look in his eyes with MY truth, that he will see the disconnect, the disdain, and the new freedom I have found. He WILL know that I am NOT "HIS" as he always claimed. And I know he is a very big coward. I know he will not confront me about this because that is not how he works. He has always abused children because they were weaker than he was and he could manipulate them. Like my brother said "Dad is a bully."

So while I know this is not going to be a walk in the park by any stretch of the imagination, I also know that I do have what it takes inside myself to make this stand to him and not fall apart. I know I need to do it before he finally dies and stops using air someone who deserves it could use. He took too much from me for too long. This is going to be MY day, not his. It's over.

[jexa]

WePow, I believe in the strength of your fortress! You can stand your ground. I have faith in you.

Originally Posted by WePow

Well guys, I got to see my T on Wed and Thursday this past week. I really needed that. This Wed I will see my father for the first time in 3 yrs. He was a primary abuser. I haven't seen him at all since my memories surfaced.

Anyway, my T doesn't want me to see him, but I really can't get out of it without hurting my mom deeply. They are passing through on the way to my half-sister's wedding. My sister's full blood brother is not even going to attend because she is having my dad walk her down the isle. Most of his kids don't forgive him for the many violations he did. But I decided I will see my dad and that I will stay silent about what I know because he will have all these excuses lined up (they know I am in therapy but think it is for other stuff and so it is like he is waiting for the other shoe to drop.) (( That makes me glad my dad is feeling that because now he knows what it was like for us kids growing up! )).

Anyway, my T is standing by me through this, but he told me that honestly he thinks or fears I will fall apart. When he said that, it just made me internally more resolved to NOT fall apart because I want to prove him wrong and I feel that he still doesn't know me. And I feel like I have a need to prove myself to him as being stronger than he thinks I am. He sees me when I am in my low state. He doesn't know really what I look like when I have my fortress deep and mighty built up all around me.

But the cool part was when he told me that it was his stuff - that he saw me like a little sister and he wanted to protect me. I had younger brothers while I was growing up and so I felt the need to protect them (but couldn't protect them from dad). So this is like I feel that someone actually has my back in all of this. T was even getting upset thinking about my dad being around me since he knows all the horrors that no one in the universe knows except T. I was actually soothed very deeply by this. It was like the battle against my dad was not just mine any more. It was like I had someone in my corner for a change! Wow. That took my stress down about 75% !!!!

Isn't it amazing how just having another human in your corner can make you feel so much stronger? So when Wed comes and next Thursday, I will be facing my dad but will look him in the eye and he will know without me saying a word that I know. And I will be standing up to my abuser. And it will not be just me. I will be standing there as a survivor with my T telling his abuser the facts of things. And I will stand there on behalf of every child who was abused and all of you guys (anyone who wants me to stand there for you and confront your abuser too).

With this type of work that I will do, I know there is going to be a massive sense of freedom and victory that will result. So if you want to send me a pm or reply on this post and say "Stand up for me too!" I will do it and will keep you in my heart and soul as I make this stand.

Peace and Joy to all of us :-)

stand up for me too, please safe hugs to you. sounds like you have a lot of courage

[WePow]

((((((((((((((((JB )))))))))))))))))) You got it !!!!

[(JD)]

I'd have to side with your T on this.
Let me also try and be a voice of reason??

My thoughts:

You can't even stand up to your mother, and you expect to stand up to your father?

I think you have irrational expectations.

I will stay silent about what I know because he will have all these excuses lined up (they know I am in therapy but think it is for other stuff and so it is like he is waiting for the other shoe to drop.) (( That makes me glad my dad is feeling that because now he knows what it was like for us kids growing up! )).

The above paragraph tells me you aren't going to stand up to him, but subject yourself to more abuse and lies ... why?

It also tells me you think you know his thoughts. Mind-reading is a dangerous sport and is a cognitive distortion that needs work. You're operating off of the imagined idea that he's living in fear of everyone finding out. He's not in fear. He's out and about and expects family to just fall in line and do what they are expected to do by the mother and he, and keep their mouths shut. I'll bet he has no idea what it's been like for you and your siblings. If he were living in fear, he wouldn't see any of you and wouldn't allow your mother to either, imo.

If you insist on going against your T's advice, for which you spend a lot of time and money asking for, then at least plan on a very short time limit around your parents? Make sure you have it set up so your plan b will allow you to escape in a way that you are strong enough to, not just think you will say you need to leave and then leave. I think you'll need a good excuse to escape.

You garner strength, you ask others to jump on your bandwagon here, that you are going to be some kind of hero by ... what?

You expressed two real red flags for me: 1) that you felt happy that your dad is living waiting for the other shoe to drop and 2) you feel you need to do this to be right to prove it to your T that you are right.

You aren't thinking rationally, imo. Please take the bold step and change your mind and let them know. Support your siblings and let them know you aren't going to be involved either? This is not the time for denial. You're trying to heal, remember? To be retraumatized, even if it's just a high percentage that you would be, isn't worth the upheaval it can cause.

I think your T shared what he did, making it more personal, in an attempt to make it clear to you that he cares, that he is telling you that he really, really thinks that this is NOT in your best interest. He's throwing all he can at you in hopes you will make the right decision. He can't tell you what to do, can't make you not do what you plan to, but he has surely done all he can to help you make the right decision.

Please take care of yourself. Sometimes the support a person needs is tough love. Please accept it.

[WePow]

JD, Thank you for your input. I am not sure where you got that I needed to stand up to my mother though. That is not a part of my stuff. And I can tell what that sociopath thinks because he made me a part of his sickness from the time I was 3 months old. I do know him and I do know how he thinks. I also know that I have only a few options:

1) If I refuse to see my folks when they come through, I hurt my mom. She is a victim of my father since she was still a child even though she was 18 when they met and he was 36. He lied to her about his age, about being married, about having 5 other kids, about being a pedophile along with other things. While it is not my job to protect her, I do love her and I am sick of allow my father's sickness prevent me from seeing my mother.

2) There are things I know he would do to fatally harm my mother and other innocent people if I "told" on him. He has been in jail for a fraction of what he did. So there is risk. But that is why I will not say anything to him in words. I know that he will not say anything to me first because he doesn't want to open that door. He is busy enjoying the good feelings of his other daughter wanting him to walk her down the isle - even though he did the same stuff to her when she was 4 yrs old... but she can "forgive" him. I won't.

By my eyes, he will know. It is not lies. This is the truth. And it is not further abuse. Further abuse would be for me to allow him to go to his grave thinking that I still love him. My love is what kept him from ending his life many times. I do know he is waiting for the other shoe to drop because I talk with him every single night when I call home. Every day I have therapy I hear it in his voice and he was asking me what I remembered and what I was working on in therapy. I told him it was not his business.

This is not denial of anything. I know full well what it is like to live with a pedophile who is someone T and I also highly suspect is a murder and who is a genius who once worked for NASA. He wanted me to be just like him - the son who would be like he was (yuck). Anyway, ever wonder what it is like to be a child who is raised to think the way the psycho thinks.... the way a killer thinks.... the evil that they have... Denial is not something I know.

What I do know is that this is something that needs to be done. And I am not asking for anyone to jump on a bandwagon. I am only saying that I am going to look my abuser in the eye and let him know with my soul just exactly what is on my mind. And if they ever wanted to do that but could not do it because of whatever situation, well, I will do it with them in my heart too.

This is NOT something I could do with my ex-husband or my other abuser who lives blocks from me. But it is something I can do with this coward.

Also, I am not doing it to prove anything to my T. He just gave me fuel to do it by him not having a clue as to who I really am on a very deep level. Even when I took the PTSI-R last week, he admitted that there were a few things he was very surprised about and did not expect. It is not his fault he does not yet know me fully. I am one of the most guarded and locked down humans walking.

This one is for me. I know that. And yes, I have worked very hard with my S/O on the plans for the one day they will be here.

Thank you for your input though. It helps me to solidify my own logic and my own rational thinking. And I like that about me. I do this my way... the way I need to do it.

(((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))

Short on words but wanted to send hugs and strength and love and hope

[geez]

(((Wepow))) This is a huge step and we are standing with you. Wishing you strength and peace.

[Oceanwave]

((((WePow))))

This is a difficult one. In principle, it can be incredibly enpowering to confront one's abuser, but this also really depends a lot on the details of the specific relationship - which I know little of. Do you know what you want to do or say when you meet him? It is often the case that perpetrators are in deep denial so I'm not sure if you can expect him to just realise the enormity of what his actions did to you, without you actually explaining it to him. I doubt he is aware of mental health issuesin general, to be honest. And even if you explain, he will probably show disbelief and deny it. Don't be surprised if this happens - it might actually feel like an anti-climax in the end. So be prepared for that too.

Also, he is your father, so while I'm really not worried about how this encounter will affect him, I'm concerned about the effect it will have on you, whatever happens to him as a result of this meeting. Also, I imagine it will create some turbulence in the family - what impact will this have on you? These are just points to think over. It would all be very different if he was just some odd guy who abused you; the fact he is your dad might complicate things more as to the effect of this on you and the rest of the family.

I'm glad though that you seem to know what you want to do and have discussed this with your S/O. Can you also discuss it with your T once again? I know he advised against, but once he realises that you are determined and it's your decision I am sure he will give you some useful further support towards how best to confront him and what the most effective, safe and empowering way to go about this would be. I think calling your T and asking for an appointment before Weds would be a good idea at this point. I hope you can work out a way that can help this encounter contribute to your overall healing.

Good luck with it, in any case.

[doogie]

Stand up for me - I'll never get the chance. My abuser (father) died when I was in college and I only had bits and pieces of memories at that time. I hope everything goes well and you have the strength to stand in the truth you now know and that you know your T and PC is behind you. Also, take care of you in the process, and allow yourself time to process this. It's big.

[(JD)]

but I really can't get out of it without hurting my mom deeply.

and now you share:

She is a victim of my father

I surely understand wanting to see your mom. Can you do that, preplanned with her, without seeing him (or is he too controlling and won't let her out of his site?)

Ok, maybe your mom does need rescuing; maybe she isn't ready to be rescued. But by taking a stand against his abuse you might show, with your sibling, strength for yourself that she can draw strength for, you know what I mean? If she continues to see everyone giving in to him, then she is not going to be the one to break free. There are abused women resources, can you share them with her? Even giving her the resources will show that you know and won't deny what is going on any more. But still, she is an adult and needs to make her own decisions. You are not responsible for her (as I think you wisely shared and understand.)

This is about YOU and your health. This is probably not the last time to see your mom. Your T says you aren't ready to do this. Why not wait until you are ready, and can make it a good experience? Right now, from what I see, you're heading into some really negative areas that might set you back in therapy by a long time.

Make plans to see your mom next year or such ... and then use this time working hard on how to do that safely for you. Now that you've shared more, obviously stuff your T knows already, I stand more firmly with your T. IMNSHPaPO ... don't do this to yourself, it's not worth the chance.

[zooropa]

wepow, I believe in you. I can see and feel the strength you feel inside that is telling you now is the time to make this stand. You are strong and courageous. Good for you!

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by (JD)

This is about YOU and your health. This is probably not the last time to see your mom. Your T says you aren't ready to do this. Why not wait until you are ready, and can make it a good experience? Right now, from what I see, you're heading into some really negative areas that might set you back in therapy by a long time.

On the other hand, WePow's dad is quite old. In a case like this, will one really have another chance to confront him meaningfully in the future? And if not, is that helpful for one's long-term healing? It might just send one the message that abusers can get away with it, and that's not a very empowering place to be in.

We didn't understand that you (wepow) were actually going to confront him, nor did We see that T was against this meeting. Wepow, trust yourself and your hard earned strength. Do what is right for YOU. We are sending protective vibes to you. We have a lot of faith in you, your T , and both of your judgement.

[WikidPissah]

wow....you can stand up for me too! Sending you powerful wishes!

[WePow]

Thanks all. It will be what it will be. It doesn't matter to me anyway. I do see T on Wed with my S/O and we go over my plan of action and whatever else. And we go right from there to the hotel to see them. Thursday will be spend with them all day but we have the entire day planned at something fun I wanted to do for months. And Friday they leave. Thanks for the support. I will let you know when I am back from the battlefield next week.

[BlackCanary]

It sounds like you have decided to accept the visit, and you feel ready - as ready as you can be, protected as you can be. You will have this time with your parents with your eyes wide open, for the very first time. All truth, no doubts, no half-truths, no maybe/maybe not.

Your T is giving you this counsel as your professional caregiver, he's got some experience and he's trying to give you a sense of the impact that the encounter may have, even w/o any direct confrontation on the facts.

What will you do if violent anger appears? What about compassion? A mountain of fear and sadness? What about pity?

I know that there are plenty of people who don't even get a choice about having to see the bad person again, they are still living together. And I know what you mean about parents - it's a package deal. He's your bad guy and your dad. And I'm one who will never be face to face with the bad guy, ever, and I'll wonder what it's like.

I do know that when I've gotten "be careful" advice from my T, it's for a good reason.
I wish you a good outcome!

(p.s. You wrote that for Thurs, it will be "the entire day planned at something fun I wanted to do for months" - I really worry that it might be Dollywood, and you'll be disappointed! )