[WePow]

Well, I have been doing fine this week so far with NOT sending T any emails since that lost one that was my post here on PC. For me, that is a record since I emailed T almost every day at least 2x (usually much more) since my truama work started.

So instead, I did my homework and made my own self care list of things I have to do when I get upset. I have to follow the exact order when I get stressed ...
1) Take 10 deep breaths.
2) Wash hands under cold water.
3) Take a 5-10 min walk.
4) Email my best friend or call her.
5) Come to PC and post an email and/or go into support chat.
6) Email or call my mentor.
7) Email or call my close friend from work who is like a big brother.
8) Call the crisis center or e-mail the crisis center I have contacted before.

I have to do each step and then evaluate my mood and then if it is not better I go on to the next step.

So I have been doing great with these steps and so far I have been able to stop at step 4. Mainly because I don't want to "bother" my best friend so I decide to just stuff away whatever it is bothering me. But so far it has worked for me while at work.

Anyway, note that emailing T or calling T is not on the list. I am trying to move away from needing him or even wanting him because I have to grow up anyway so I am trying to do that. So as a part of all that, I decided to not stay logged into my personal email. I don't want to sit around looking at the box and wondering if T would email me out of the blue - because he NEVER does that.

Well..... today I stayed logged out but then I got home and ready to relax and get on PC and chill for a few hours and check my email finally. YEP! That T sent me an E-mail out of the dang blue!

What is odd is that I was feeling NOTHING for him one way or the other about all this. Focus was on me trying to grow up and get over all this stuff somehow. Well, when I saw his email address in the list, I actually got VERY ANGRY all at once!! I went from nothing into almost rage inside. I had to do my steps to just calm down and not get mad. Well, you can see I am on the step 5 now.

The only thing the email was about was some login for his website where he is going to allow clients to log in and check their accout balance stuff. But I had to go to his website and see his face and there wasn't a login for that stuff, so that forced me to email him back. And that made me mad a bit too.


Oh well. I just found my response strange to all this.

[zooropa]

I actually can understand your reaction, wepow. It's almost like, after allll the times of wishing T would email you and waiting and waiting for responses to emails you've sent him, now that you finally quit looking for that, NOW he does it? I think I would definitely feel some anger, too, seriously!

If it was me I'd be thinking back to all the times when just getting an email from him would have meant the world to you. Also I would have been majorly annoyed that it seems like as soon as you got over wishing for an email from him, he does it, and now you have to go through wondering all the time again.

I think this smiley applies, where your brain is the pot and your T is stirring it up.

[WePow]

Thank you for understanding, Zoo.
I will just take this and turn it around and use it to heal too!!!
I am exhausted with being my own enemy.

[zooropa]

wepow, I've been thinking lately about that same thing (being my own enemy). It's like...if I could just get out of my own way, I'd be doing so much better!
You're doing great, though.

((((((((((((WePow)))))))))

I really really like your self-care list. I might try something like that to help me get through the next six weeks. Thank you for posting that.

As for the e-mail....I can totally see how that would bring up anger. Sometimes when I have anger brewing below the surface that I'm not recognizing, something will happen (like your e-mail from T) and BAM! there the anger is, all of a sudden. Usually, I didn't even know I was angry in the first place.

For me, when I get sudden BIG emotions like that, I know I've been triggered, and that there is something there for me to look at. If you are angry at T, it's OK. We are allowed to be angry. A lot of big things have gone on between you and him in the past week or so...it makes sense that that would bring up a lot of big feelings.

How are you feeling now?

[elliemay]

I would have been upset too. It's almost as though your T was "sabotaging" your attempt to move away from email. I mean not intentionally, but still, there was the email.

I like your list.

[Oceanwave]

Maybe you are feeling angry because you feel that contacting T is now something like a no-no. Then you , somewhere deep down, secretly hope that T contacts you out of the blue, and when he does, well, what a disappointment. He is sending a really impersonal message that he sent to all his other clients. Grrr. However, T is still your strongest and most reliable support, so why take him off your list of coping mechanistm altogether? He is providing you with excellent professional support when you most need it, and don’t forget that you hired him to do this. Maybe it would help if you don’t make contact with him ‘forbidden’ mentally, and just leave that option open, in principle. How fantastic that you are trying out other ways of coping and are managing so wonderfully for now! But remember that T IS there too and you don’t have to feel you ‘bother’ him or that you failed when you have to email him. It is his job to be there, after all. What he is probably concerned about is your use of suicide gestures, SI, emotional acting out in real life (suddenly walking away from job, etc.) as a way of coping, not so much the fact that you contact him about this. Although this is just my guess, I don’t actually know what he said to you. But I am sure that if you are in crisis he should know about that and you should let him know. I think his aim is that you try and avoid being in crisis in the first place (difficult one, I know).

This is not in response to your post, just a general thought, but bou’ve been having trust issues with him throughout; have you thought of reasons why he CAN be trusted? He is not your abuser; you have worked with him for quite a while (years?) and he is still there, helping; you are not a child any more and he is no pedophile; he cannot betray you (and why would he, he wants you to make progress): you hired him and he is there while you need him; he is legally obliged to keep everything confidential; he is a good enough parent figure: he doesn’t respond to every single email you write but he responds to emails promptly whenever he is able to; he has no interest in abusing you – if he was an abuser you would know that by now; if he was in any way dodgy (creepy, unreliable/ unethical/ unprofessional, etc.) you would know it by now. It is in his best interest that you do well and make progress.

Re coping mechanisms, how about journalling or automatic writing, or creative writing – you seem to be doing these too. Making friends or catching up with old friends (i.e. extending and strengthening your support networks) is also an important, longer term goal. That will also make you feel less dependent on T ultimately (and less emotional about whether he is there or not, whether he loves you or not, etc.), as others will gradually take om his role. But for now, keep all these up, and at the same time let T be there when really needed.

[sittingatwatersedge]

WePow making this list is a great idea! I understand your wanting to work on moving away from T and not being "needy" but after you try seven ways to cope, could you make contacting T #8 before calling a crisis center?

It's one thing to feel that you depend on yr T too much and want to work on growing out of that (this seems to indicate some health & progress IMO ) but to leave T off the list entirely - a list that includes a call to a crisis center - seems to be a repudiation of T's help entirely..... and unless for some reason you have just given up on this T and are thinking about quitting therapy, I wonder why yr T wouldn't be on such a list. The T is there to help, after all.

for you

[WePow]

Zoo --- it really is hard to not be our own enemy when we had no one else to blame as children. When anger can't be directed outward, it turns inward. That is a sad thing to realize. But maybe realizing it can allow us to change it? I hope so anyway.

Tree --- you are very welcome. I am glad I posted it if it helps you make a list too :-) It is not easy to follow the steps when I am more familiar with just living and letting emotions rule my life. It is like I have to be the boss of me for a change. That is a job!

Elliemay --- thank you very much for understanding. Yes, that is what it feels like at a deep level. urrrrr. Odd how our emotions can feel what is not truth.

Oceanwave --- You give me tons to think about. I know he has only been doing what is right and professional. Logically I understand all of what you shared. It is my heart that doesn't agree with my head. And that is the poisoning of my heart from the past abuse. I am trying to figure out how to get my heart to feel what my head knows. I do people I can turn to for help, but I don't want to do that because I did that and my heart just gets wounded time after time after time. And those friends rarely did anything on purpose to hurt me. But I still experience it and then shut down emotionally. I try to make myself trust them again but something else will happen and I shut down again. After years, my heart just has a lot of calluses.

I didn't love T at first, so I wasn't able to be hurt from anything he shared or any percieved wrong. I have only known him for a year, but the close work we did and him telling me to trust him made me open my heart to him. My heart feels like an egg that has been boiled but the insides are still runny. I am very tough emotionally until my shell is gone. And then I am a mess. urrrrr.

I just have to figure out how to fix this old heart of mine. Thank you again.

[WePow]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

WePow making this list is a great idea! I understand your wanting to work on moving away from T and not being "needy" but after you try seven ways to cope, could you make contacting T #8 before calling a crisis center?

It's one thing to feel that you depend on yr T too much and want to work on growing out of that (this seems to indicate some health & progress IMO ) but to leave T off the list entirely - a list that includes a call to a crisis center - seems to be a repudiation of T's help entirely..... and unless for some reason you have just given up on this T and are thinking about quitting therapy, I wonder why yr T wouldn't be on such a list. The T is there to help, after all.

for you

I am not sure why. It is like I feel like T wanted me to make the list of things I need to do instead of contacting him. That was my internal perception of it anyway (which I am sure is wrong). Thank you for the reply!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by WePow

....It is like I feel like T wanted me to make the list of things I need to do instead of contacting him.....

WePow, you feel that yr T would want you to contact a crisis center before you contacted him? (If you said that before, I must have missed it, very sorry! )

but if that's not certain, but is a perception of your own, maybe you could talk with him about it (I admit this wouldn't be easy for me, maybe not for you either).

[WePow]

All - Oceanwave (thank you for the PM!) I am not able to write much tonight due to time but wanted to express my earnest thanks to each of you for the wonderful support. I wanted to share with you that I did go over my list with my T in session and he asked me to ADD HIM down as a step !!!! He WANTS me to let him know if I am hurting :-) I think that is exactly what I NEEDED from him. I needed him to WANT to help me out in his heart.... and I needed to know that was true.

Now I do :-) And he was so loving and honest and told me I could email him even if I just wanted to say I missed him. Then he went to offer me my hug at the end of session and I was like "I still get a hug too?" He smiled and hugged me :-)

I am learning and growing. And you - my true second family- are helping me so much! Thank you!