hardest session ever

I honestly think I had my hardest session ever today.

It was like all of a sudden everything made a sick sense in my mind - that the abuse from my mom was a punishment for the CSA stuff. It felt so real and so true. I think I kept asking T to stop, and I think he wasn't doing anything. The feelings were so big and deep and overwhelming. I don't know if things have ever felt that big and that horrible. I just wanted to escape, but I was frozen. Absolutely. Frozen.

I remember thinking during it, "this is the worst it's ever been". And I think it was.

I think it led us deeper into the CSA stuff and finally I couldn't take it anymore and asked if we could please stop. T asked "is that all that you can handle right now?" and it was and i think we stopped. T sat with me and I held his hand and his arm. We were going to stand up but I was way way way too dizzy so we sat on the edge of the couch. He told me a story about a bird he saw this morning, and I told him a story about a spider I saw this morning.

I asked for paper and I wrote some stuff down and put it in my box and we put a rock on the lid so it will stay there.

T said today was really, really, really hard and big. He said I was brave. He said something about being gentle with myself, but I can't remember what.

Maybe this is the way out of the October stuff. Maybe. I know I have to go through things to get past them, but wow. My head hurts so so so so much.

I can't even put into words what it was like. Just the worst feelings and thoughts EVER.

At the end, T told me that if it felt like he was pushing me, it's because he wants to help me get it out so I don't have to be stuck with it anymore.

I feel horrible. Tired. Scared. Gross. I need to get into now and it's hard hard hard. I wish things were different. I wish that SO SO much.

(((treehouse)))
No one ever said the road to recovery and healing was an easy one.

(((( HUGS ))))

You are doing such great work, and your T is so supportive and so caring towards you. Remember, you ARE ok. You really are.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( dear Tree )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

you vomited out a LOT of that poison today, and it has lost so much of its power to hurt you. Right now you feel weak from having to go through all that but rest now, and your strength will start coming back.

I wish that none of that had ever happened to you.
But you are not alone now; I am so glad that you have a good T who is taking care of you.
and hey - putting a rock on top of that box was a great idea.

PS ... I have some chai latte mix if you're interested.

(((((tree)))))
you are very brave, and very strong

(((Tree))) I have nothing to add other than Hugs.

tree, you're working so hard and T is right there with you. I wish you weren't in so much pain but I have faith that it will get better for you soon!

(((((tree)))))
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm also so glad you have the T you have to help you.
I love you.

wow i so felt how horable you must have felt and i am sorry so many bad things happened to you.glad your T is thare to help you through even though it is so hard

Oh you guys

this afternoon my boys had music lessons all over town, and while my oldest was at a lesson, i took my two youngest to a playground to burn off some of their crazy boy energy. i was sitting there and i realized i felt OKAY. like, really, pretty okay.

it felt like things were just a tiny bit lighter. like maybe, really, talking about it AND doing the positive stuff i have planned, together, is how to get through october. i'm doing SO much "positive" stuff on top of all of the other stuff going on in my life and its GOOD but it also gives me a little bit of the feeling that i'm just finding a new way to run away.

maybe what i'm supposed to to is not run. maybe i'm supposed to pause. maybe i'm supposed to talk and feel and remember and let t help me through it. maybe THAT is what is supposed to happen.

this is the first october i've talked. 3 octobers ago i called and scheduled my first therapy appt. 2 octobers ago t wanted me to go into the psych hospital. last october, i was so physically sick all month with things the drs couldn't figure out. this october i am doing a bunch of positive stuff and i guess i have to talk. i get it now. i have to talk. ugh.

anyhow, the "i'm okay" feeling has faded. i feel upset and angry. i feel like i want to rip off my skin. i feel like i'm dirty and horrible and fat and ugly and like all of my hair is going to fall out and like all the way down in my very center, in my very soul, i'm disgusting and gross and ugly. i want to get away from me and i can't.

t told me to be gentle with me. i don't know how.

my son has a baseball game tonight, so i will be able to go and just SIT for two hours and be outside under the stars and watch him pitch and just be. being outside where the trees and sky are makes me feel better. maybe then i can breathe.

i have to get through this. i have to. i don't want to feel how i feel. i want to feel better.

Treehouse I'm with you. Just had a mindblowing session this week too. Just sat at the session. Couldn't move. Couldn't talk. I'm like a really cheerful person always, but not then. Touching that deep deep pain is so hard.

You know, I cried before my session because it would be so hard. I cried after the session, because its so hard I can't even begin to describe. And it's only going to get harder. But I felt like somewhere really deep underneath all that pain there is going to be a calm, quiet place.

I'm with you as you go through this hell. I stand by you and we're here for you. It's hell to face the pain and we're with you all the way. Somehow, somewhere, we're going to make it through this.

And at some point, when we once again can live and breathe and think and feel, we'll feel so much better and so much more whole. And one day, way way down the road, all this excruciating pain will have been utterly worthwhile.

((((Tree))))

((((((((((( Tree )))))))))))) Yes, be very gentle with you for the next 24 hours. And write email to T if that is allowed or call if needed. What you did was a HUGE step in your trama work. But when I went through my big steps like this, it did have some evening fallout that was a part of the healing. The feelings you are on are very normal for what you are going through. My heart goes out to you.

One thing I wanted to share with you about what you are experiencing now is that it is like having two elephants on a see-saw. Being in truama work is like telling those two elephants to balance. When you have a big breakthrough like what you had today, it is almost like one elephant being way up in the air and the other being down on the ground. The freedom is like the one in the air but then releasing all that pain is like the one on the ground getting off the see-saw. You know what happens then!

So just try to remember that there is a swing effect with the emotions right now. And so stay very close to your T and yes, be gentle.

Hugs to you dearest Tree!!

((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))))

You said you don't know how to be gentle with yourself. I think doing those things like taking your kids to the park and sitting outside while you watch your son's game. Those are the things that you do to take care of yourself. When you are doing so much work, you also have to do so much of the positive stuff to take care of yourself. It is these things that keep the balance from getting out of control. Do as much of these things as you need to.

sometimes when i am overwelmed i go to a place that has running water i love the sound of it and if i so sit in a stream in the woods it sometimes even drounds out the noise in my head.i guess thats why i like it so much.my husband turned me on to that and i love it so when i'm in a bad place sometimes he takes me for a hike and we find a loud stream and sit.maybe go for a hike in the woods

Tree,
I don't know why it gets worse at times...I truly wish I knew but it does for me too. I think today when you realized you were going to be okay that you were able to tap into the internalized T. You KNOW he is there to see you through this crisis. I do believe that you are drawing on that love you told us about! Besides my birthday and Sunrise's are in October so it's not all bad.....

>>> t told me to be gentle with me. i don't know how.

well....... One of the ways is to come here to PC and offer your care and wisdom and suport to other people who are hurting, Tree. That's what you are inclined to do; but listen carefully, someone who is ugly and disgusting would never even think of doing that. Could you maybe just sit with that thought for a minute?

I see you with light shining from within. Sweet friend, devoted mother, loving wife, and yes daughter, and in spite of all internal obstacles, doing your duty day after day. It's virtue that lives in all that, nothing gross or ugly. Tree you are a beautiful soul.

Granite - me too. It's like the shining water, and the water sound, have the power to wash away some of the tension and sadness.