last session

Jexa, Thats tough about T not being able to reply to any letters from you, unfortunately about agency therapist that are tied into their boundaires and not free to make their owwn.

Short on words, Jexa, but lots of

Wow, you are such a strong beautiful person. Thank you for sharing such a emotional event in your life.
I will send you comfort vibes to help you feel at peace.

Thank you all so much for the hugs and support. Today was an okay day because I was around a friend. We went on a walk on a little nature trail near her house, and we watched a movie on Netflix instant called "Neverwas" - an awesome movie by the way. Today was a good distraction. Now I am home again and all the emotions are swelling up inside again but that's okay. I'm taking a bath in a minute, with a candle lit.. I just have to be gentle with myself right now. Do these soothing rituals, try to keep breathing.

Thank you for those of you who are reminding me of my strength. I don't feel strong but I guess there is strength in letting go. I just really really really wanted to handle this gracefully, to solidify the meaning of the relationship I had with my T, so I am determined to use the things she has taught me right now so that I can get through this. I want the lessons I have learned from her to echo in my life for years to come, to expand and grow and become more and more real and solid and a part of me. And I strongly believe that the ending is the most important part.

I just want so much for what we had to end well. It makes all the difference in the world.

T sent me an email that said my cookies were delicious, and she thanked me for them. She didn't have to do that. It made my heart swell up with joy and sorrow. I am so glad she is enjoying the cookies. But now I wish I could see her again, just one last time. I just replied, "Thanks for this. Glad you enjoyed them! Wishing you strength and energy for your big move, J."

I'm sorry if this thread is triggering to some.. Hugs to you all. I know you will be able to get through the pain when the time comes.

I have true admiration for your ability to use your self care / self soothing skills in the midst of such strong emotions. Also for your ability to allow yourself to feel the pain and grieve the loss you are experiencing.
You most certainly are handling this with grace.
Grieve gently,
grieve well.

Jexa,
"My heart swelled with joy and sorrow" there you go again with your capturing of true ambivilance. I think ambivilance is laced in the whole therapy process.

Your T would be oh so proud of you to hear you say that you are using soothing skills and how you are riding the waves of your emotions. My old pdoc once told me the average legnth of an emotion was 17 minutes. I used to tell myself that over and over when I needed to.

I was wondering when you had an appointment with your new T? I think that you are doing a great job right now, however I am wondering if you are going to have some help soon. It can be hard doing this alone. Well you are not alone, you have us, but I am hoping you have an appointment sooner than later.

I know I was going to write to ya'll about my last t session (as an update) but I am just really speechless when I try to put it all together. I was so emotional and now just wiped out and in a fog. Weird, not sure what is going on. Anyhow, let us know how you are doing. I, of course would love to hear more from you.

((jexa)) i think you're doing great! i've been a little absent in responding to this post, but i've been reading along, and am really impressed with how well you're handling everything. in case you're due for another reminder: you are strong!

also, i think that the email that you sent to your therapist was nice.. i know how important the "last words" are for you, and i think those were perfect (in addition to the last session you had, which seemed to be just right as well). now, just like with the cookies, she will have you in her thoughts as she deals with having to move - it was really nice of you to say something like that, and a great way to "close" things out.

and it really speaks to the fact that things are different now.. the dynamics have changed.. you've grown from therapy (and from your time with your therapist) and now instead of needing something from her, you were able to step up and offer her some words of comfort and support. i think that's really wonderful.

Thanks guys. It is unbelievably wonderful to be able to share all this with people who understand what I am going through. I am still trying but I agree Kacey.. I need a T right now to help me out. I see the new T on Wednesday for the first time.

Today I was back at work and it was such a stressful day. There is a lot of tension between me and one of my coworkers (she is lazy and tries to push work off on me), plus I hate my boss, and in the midst of my sadness it is just a bit too much to take. I cried a little at my desk at work but most of the day I was just numb. Now I'm at home and I can feel in my body the impact this is having on me. I will try to use my skills still and try to let myself feel the way I feel without pushing this away. Please everyone remind me to take care of myself if I start to slip off. I can feel my momentum dying and I want to try to keep it alive. I'm glad I'm noticing this because I usually just mindlessly drift into self-destruction. I think this thread is helping me stay mindful to how I am reacting to T leaving. So I will try to eat at least some sort of healthy dinner tonight, and get at least a little bit of exercise. I'm going over to a friend's tonight to work on my grad school applications while she does homework. This friend is really good and supportive. It should be an okay night.

The thing that I think is going to help me the most is to consider my self-care efforts to be a sort of tribute to my T. A private show of gratitude. When I don't want to do it for myself, I will do it to keep her alive in me. Her lessons will always be with me, if I continue to use them.

From the letter you wrote, to the description of your last session, to how you have handled it...have awed and amazed me. Seriously. You've come a long way from when you had your "meltdown" a few (??) months ago.

But this...that I quoted. The strength and wisdom in those words will ring true for a very long time. I want to save your thread for the day I have to deal with termination with my T and assume I will be feeling similarly.