last session

My last session with T was last night. It was sooo sad but also bittersweet. I made her a batch of oatmeal raisin cookies and gave her the letter that I posted in the other thread. We started the session that way -- she read the letter and she cried. She said that she would save it forever and that this was one of the things she would look at if she was ever feeling down. I cried while she was reading the letter.

Then that moment passed and we sort of chatted for a little while. I talked about the emails my ex has been sending me, and how I'm dealing with it better now than I would have last year. We talked about the progress I've made. I talked about applying to grad school a lot; we talked about social anxiety and how it's normal to be nervous at interviews. We talked about how much better my social anxiety is than it used to be. We just sort of summarized the progress I've made, things like that. It was just a nice light sort of connected conversation.

T said we can't have contact now that therapy is over. She said I can send a letter to the clinic and they can forward it to her, but she can't respond -- she said it's a boundary she set a long time ago. She said she'd be happy to hear from me when I get into grad school but understands if I don't write because she knows how hard it is not to get a response. I totally understand the need to set these kinds of boundaries. At the same time, I am heartbroken. This is really the end, the last time I will talk to her that I know of. She said that one day she'll probably see me at a conference and she'll be happy to chat if we see each other (but I will have to approach her first). She smiled and said I'll probably be a speaker at one of the conferences! And maybe so. But there's no guarantee we will go to the same conferences. There's no way of knowing I will ever see her again in my life. And it hurts, so much, to think that last night was the end of our relationship, for good. I feel like I lost a limb or something.

But I am also strangely at peace with my pain. Of course this hurts. What kind of person would I be if loss didn't hurt?

At the end, I played T a song by Kimya Dawson called, "The Competition," which I think almost tells the exact story of the progress I've made. Here is a link if anyone wants to hear it:

Then I asked T to sign my journal -- she wrote, "J, It has been my pleasure. Go out and do wonderful things! Best, H"

Then I said, with a big huge lump in my throat, "You know, for so long my life has been all about my problems. And now, it's a lot less like that. And I just want to say, thank you." And I could feel it so much, so much, so much, how true it was what I was saying. Every word was filled with meaning. That thank you that I said was probably the most honest thing I've ever said in my life. And I just started sobbing after I said that. Just sobbing. And T was crying too. And she said that it's been wonderful to work with me and to see the progress I've made. And that she is really excited about my life and the things I will achieve.

Then I asked if I could have a hug. T and I have never touched at all besides a handshake. But T said, "Of course!" And we hugged for a long time and we were both crying.

And then I said goodbye.

Ohhhhh how it hurts.
It hurts.
It really, really, really hurts.

But I'm just letting that be.
Today I've been crying all day, off and on.
And that's alright. I'm okay with that.

I'm trying to treat myself with kindness. I went on a long walk today out in the sunshine. It is a beautiful day. I went to the farmer's market and sat in a bench by the bay watching the boats and watching the minnows swim in the sea. I am trying to hold onto the sweet moments from last night. The hug, T's tears, the song, T's reaction to the letter. All of it went just how I wanted it to go. And this pain that I'm feeling now is so normal, this is clean pain, this is life-lived-well pain, this is pain that is just the consequence of getting close to somebody. It's just the other side of that coin. Yeah, I'm willing to have this pain right now.

Jexa, I can't read your post because it would be too triggery for me due to the termination topic, but I want to extend my wishes for your future happiness. I hope you won't feel too down for too long because of the ending of this very, very special relationship.

Jexa, you are powerful and kind at the same time. You walk in grace and beauty. Thank you so much for sharing this touching relationship with me in this thread. I am certain your T will never forget you.

((((((((Jexa)))))))

I listened to the song. And I totally understand it.

I'm glad you were able to have such a connected last session with your T. I'm glad you are able to feel the pain and be okay with it.

Jexa, what a nice ending. I know it was painful.

Thanks guys. It's pretty bad still but I'm trying to ride the wave. I'm just curled up in my most comfy blanket on the couch right now, crying then resting then crying, then eating ice cream.. but that's what today was for. I expected this. I'm glad our session was on a Friday so I have the weekend to be a mess. I wish a friend would come over because I am feeling pretty lonely with my sadness right now.

((((((((((((Jexa)))))))))))))

Is there anyone you can call and ask to come over?

I'm glad that you are being gentle with yourself and taking care of yourself. That is important. Ice cream rocks!

Your post made me cry...Why did you end therapy with your therapist? Was this your decision?

this is heartbreaking. I am so proud of you, Jexa. I didn't even read your whole post because it was too much. I can't imagine coming to that last-time-I'll-ever-see-you place with my T, and yet I know I will be there someday. How you get through that is a mystery to me. But you're doing it, Jexa. I'm so proud of you. And my heart hurts for you.
I love you.

googley -- my friends are busy tonight. I don't want to hang out in a big group so I get to be alone tonight. No one would be able to change the way I feel anyway. My brother said I could come over but he only makes me feel worse when I am depressed, because he wants to have intellectual discussions all the time and I just don't have the energy for that when I feel this way. So it's probably better that I'm alone. I'll just find a movie to watch on Netflix or something.

cmac, I had to end therapy because my T is moving so she can take care of her dad who is very sick with Alzheimer's. She has to move to another state. Our therapy ended at a really bad time for me actually, so it's taking a lot to be strong right now. I'm doing my best.

Thanks for the support guys.. just trying to get through the night. I think being alone at night with this will be the hardest part.

(((((((((jexa))))))))))

I'm so sorry that all your friends are busy. I will sit with you.

I'm so proud of you for taking care of you!

Oh, zoo. I'm so glad you're here. Thanks so much.

Getting through it is a matter of dealing with the moments as they come. Riding the wave and accepting the sadness as it is. That's all that's keeping me from going off the deep end right now. I know I won't die of a broken heart. I keep reminding myself that feelings are not dangerous.

Yeah, most definitely, the pain gets pretty bad. I know my neighbors must think I am pretty messed up since my sobbing gets a bit out of control sometimes. And especially today. But whatever, here it is, it's okay to feel like sh**, it's okay to sob my guts out, I'm a human being.

So that's what gets me through.

I know you'll be able to do it, too. Right now is not the time for you, not even close. But when the time comes, you will survive it, too, zoo.

Jexa, I am SOOOOO glad that you and your T (esp. your T) did that last session so well, and that when you asked for that hug the response was "Of Course!" -- just as it should be in a final farewell for caring people.

I hope you are holding that close, along with the sadness, so that you have balance.

Jexa, I'm glad you are here too. I know it'd be hard to be around a group of people who don't know or understand what you're going through tonight. You are definitely in the right place for that here on PC.

I just wrote an email to my T (but didn't send it). I am triggered by this more than I expected to be. It hits so close to home and just makes me see how deep my abandonment stuff goes. I don't know if it'll ever get better. I want to quit T on my terms and not go through what you are, being forced to quit seeing a T that you bonded with and that was helping you.

Anyway, this isn't about ME, sorry for getting off track . We are here with you, Jexa.

Jexa, your post about your last session was hard to read, but it sounds like everything a final session should be. It makes me realize that the therapeutic relationship is real, and when it ends, sadness should be expected. On both sides.

I'm sorry your therapy had to end, but you will always have your memories. They will stay with you forever.

jexa, sending many

Your letter and your last session were very beautiful.
Thank you for sharing this with us.

Jexa,
I sooo want to write to you and give you loads of TLC and say something really encouraging and maybe a little intelligent. And I will. I just can't right now. I am kind of not feeling well. (depressed and it is gone physically awry) So in the mean time please know that I have read your posts and am thinking of you.

There is SO much wisdom here, jexa....thank you for sharing that this is how it can be.

When I get those pangs of fear about losing T someday, I sometimes realize that the pain is there BECAUSE of the love. And I wouldn't want to have missed out on the love and connection and being known.

I know it has to be soooooooooo painful. I'm glad you're being gentle with you. You deserve gentleness and love and good things.

SO much love to you

(((((((((((Jexa))))))))))

More hugs for you.

Jexa thank you for updating us and your last session was beautiful. You are a strong and beautiful person. Thank you for sharing

Thanks guys -- I will reply in detail tomorrow -- just thought I'd let you all know that I'm staying at a friend's house tonight after all, so I'm not alone tonight. She just made me tea and we're having cinnamon rolls in a minute. All is well. Peace to you all as well.

((((((((((Jexa))))))))))

I'm glad you have support around you!

I am sitting here crying for you, with you...Such a difficult thing to endure....but at the same time, with any abrupt loss, you have a lot to cherish. So hard....(( HUGS ))

jex, i read this morning & started tearing up with you.
you've handled everything with so much grace.
take gentle care of you .