[jenkins09]

My wife and I are in marital counseling. I am having a hard time because her therapeutic approach is very aggressive. We have seen her five times, and she is coming at us with both guns blazing. I like it because I am a get down to business kind of guy, but at the same time no rapport has been established.

I always leave feeling worse about myself, like I am defective. I have an individual T for issues going back to childhood (abuse, physical and sexual) and the marriage counselor is telling me things that my individual T hasn't brought up. Telling me I act like a victim, and in a roundabout way blamed me for my wifes affair. I am now upset that my individual T has noticed this about me and has withheld saying anything to me.

Todays session was really hard. I had to discuss my childhood, and the abuse by my mom and dad, and it was very emotional. Its good because its going to force my to face my past and grow, but the process is hard. How do you get past seeing yourself as this screwed up individual? either way I welcome this new journey I am on..just needed to vent.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by jenkins09

the marriage counselor is telling me things that my individual T hasn't brought up. Telling me I act like a victim.... I am now upset that my individual T has noticed this about me and has withheld saying anything to me.

Perhaps your individual T does not see you as a victim and that is why he hasn't said it. Your marriage counselor and your other T can have different opinions and perspectives.

Originally Posted by jenkins09

Todays session was really hard. I had to discuss my childhood, and the abuse by my mom and dad, and it was very emotional. Its good because its going to force my to face my past and grow, but the process is hard. How do you get past seeing yourself as this screwed up individual? either way I welcome this new journey I am on..just needed to vent.

Was this session with your individual T? I am curious why you had to discuss those things? Do you feel you are not ready to discuss those topics? I think it helps me not see myself as defective by having my T not see me as defective. It's validating. It makes me feel like a normal human being. By being around him and his views about me, they can become internallized and my own views about myself can change. At least that's part of it. It's healing. I think if I had a T who was very critical of me all the time, and told me how I frequently messed up and did things wrong ("defectively"), then I would internalize even more the feeling of being defective. We want Ts to be straight with us, but yet, our lives are full of people who are willing to criticize us. It is nice to go see a T who provides something different than the negative people in our lives.

Good luck with the marriage counseling. What does your wife think of the counselor?

[Elana05]

Hi jenkins09,

Glad you both have sought out counseling. These are just some of my opinions, feel free to dismiss if they are not helpful... I hope you and your wife will take some time to talk about whether this is the right person. I mean, it does take work but you also shouldn't have to feel shaken up each time (you have a say as to what the pace looks like). It should be a safe place for both of you. That being said, if you do feel like this counselor is working out well then by all means be direct and say if you are feeling bullied or over powered. You wrote that you "had" to discuss your childhood. But you shouldn't have to feel pressured into it, you know? I just think it is impotant to look at the distribution of "power" or "say." It should be divided equally among all 3 of you so that you and your wife both feel safe to speak and listen.

[jenkins09]

Thanks Sunrise for the response, and you too Elana05. My wife was upset after our first session because the T told her that her dad abandoned her and didnt protect her from her emotionally distant mom. My wife didnt feel that way and the T kept saying, dont you see how he wasnt there for you? true or not, I thought it was too soon to say that to her.

I did share with the T how I feel, and stood up to her a couple times. I am one for directives, but I dont agree with her telling us how to live our lives. She told us to quit drinking soda because everytime we did we were "putting our lips on the exhaust pipe of our car." In our last session I said that I felt like she was pointing out all my flaws and not really saying anything to my wife and that is when she said I had a chip on my shoulder and act like a victim.

I said I am just sharing how I feel and then she repeated herself and then I got very defensive. I have to meditate for 10m before every session so that I dont go in with my defenses up. I just dont want to quit because its uncomfortable, but she is really harsh at times. I now dont feel safe really sharing my true feelings because I will be told I am being a victim. I dont want to act like a victim, I didnt think I was, I own my behavior and dont place the blame on anyone else. IDK..will have to see how the next sessions goes.

jenkins, from what you are saying i think i'd find another marriage counselor. she doesn't sound very helpful to me. i once went to a T who thought she could have my life completely turned around in 3 months, lol. it seemed she had quite the God complex (i.e. she thought she was God) and i ditched her really quickly.

[Fartraveler]

Not all marriage counselors are competent. The soda thing would bother me too. (As would the name-calling -- I mean her saying that you have a chip on your shoulder and are acting like a victim.)

Does your wife also have reservations about this counselor? (You mentioned that the counselor was forcing an interpretation about her father's behavior on her.) (And in the first session!!!!)

Anyway, if you and your wife both have problems with this person, I agree that you two should consider looking for someone else.

-Far

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by jenkins09

She told us to quit drinking soda because everytime we did we were "putting our lips on the exhaust pipe of our car." In our last session I said that I felt like she was pointing out all my flaws...

Hi jenkins,

This sounds really critical and not helpful... Sure, soda is not that good for us but - geez it's a legal substance. This kind of statement just seems totally out of place! I know I would feel VERY defensive at this. Is she saying she is perfect and has no bad habits? Grrr. Sorry. Please keep in mind this is just my opinion... But for something as intense marriage counselling I just think you both deserve someone much more sensitive and not so critical. It is hard enough to bring up these very difficult topics. It sounds to me like it might be (more helpful?) to have someone who is there to fight for the both of you -- not against you with criticisms or pushing you (or your wife) into areas that you don't feel ready to delve into yet... This alone sounds traumatic...