[zooropa]

even though it's not forever, even though I'll see T at the end of next week, saying goodbye today at the end of my session was really hard.

It was a really, really good session, though. The kind of session you really hope you'll have before a break. We talked about everything going on with me and we talked a little bit about trauma stuff, and it was okay. It was hard, but it was okay.

I gave T a small gift I had knitted for her, and a copy of my favorite album. This album has a lot of significance in my life and I have talked about it with T, a lot. I've listened to it on every best and worst day of my life since I was 13 years old. I was listening to it on my walkman (remember those??) when the SA happened. I listened to it today. It seemed important to me, all of a sudden, that T listen to it too.

When I gave it to her, she immediately knew the significance, and told me that she had been thinking about buying it. She said she'll put it on her ipod and listen to it on her trip.

T said she will be answering phone calls every day while she's away, once a day. So it's not that different from how it is now, really. She even said "unless you text me 911. If you text me 911, I'll call you right back."

AND she said "that's a special, limited offer, not for all of my clients" LOL!

I told her that made me feel special. She said I AM special.

At the end of the session, T asked if she could hug me, which was funny because I was about to ask her the same thing. It was only the second time we've hugged. It felt really good.

The she drew me a map (remember when she did that few months ago?) to a local bookstore because I said I was going to Barnes and Noble, lol. So now I have 2 T-drawn maps.

I called her later and left her a message saying that thinking about her leaving makes me feel really sad and scared, and I'm not sure what that's about but it's the old abandonment stuff again. I told her I need to know that I'm okay, and that she's coming back, and that I'll see her next week, and that everything is going to be okay.

[Omers]

I am glad that T was able to be so reassuring and supportive.

[chicken_wing]

You are awesome! So is your T!

[Kacey2]

Awesome Zoo. I am glad you had that connection before your little break. That was so sweet about the "You are special." I have always wanted to hear that myself. I hope your good feeling can last through out the week.

[zooropa]

as sad and lonely as I felt leaving her office, as long as the next 10 days seems like it will be with T on the other side of the country, I knew I would have you guys to help me through it. I know I'm not the only one dealing with a messed up T schedule do to the holidays. We can carry each other.

Zoo, I just love this whole thread Thanks for sharing a very special session! I bet it feels great!

and for t to say "you are special" that is way cool!

[zooropa]

so, T just called me back. She said she can't guarantee that she'll be back, because there are no guarantees in life.
But she said she plans on coming back and she'll see me on the 31st. She said I can do this, I know the skills, and I'll be okay. And that I can call her if I need to or want to.

Wow zoo thats so awesome. I'm so glad that your t is there for you. My t went on vacation for 3 weeks but I can call her if its an emergency plus she lets me call at my usual appt time to "catch up" although its more like a shortened appt I was on the phone with her for almost 30 minutes today. :0 I love my T your t sounds awesome too.

(((((((((((zoo!!))))))))))))))

I'm so glad that you had a good, connecting session before break, that T told you how special you are, that you can reach out to her if you need to. All such good things, and all so very very deserved.

[mixedup_emotions]

((((((( zoo ))))))

That's so heartwarming....and I know you have a lot to hold onto from this session to help get you through the next 10 days. (( hugs ))

[zooropa]

I was responding in another thread, and this came up. I didn't want to hijack that thread, so I brought it here.

T told me what is true: I'm okay, and I will be okay without her. I kind of don't WANT that to be true. I don't WANT to be okay without her, because doesn't that mean I don't need her? Doesn't that mean she will send me away?

It's confusing. Because, obviously, I DO want to be okay. But I also don't want to be okay, because being okay means more expectations and less support.

I don't know. I guess it's something to talk about next time I see T.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I was responding in another thread, and this came up. I didn't want to hijack that thread, so I brought it here.

T told me what is true: I'm okay, and I will be okay without her. I kind of don't WANT that to be true. I don't WANT to be okay without her, because doesn't that mean I don't need her? Doesn't that mean she will send me away?

It's confusing. Because, obviously, I DO want to be okay. But I also don't want to be okay, because being okay means more expectations and less support.

I don't know. I guess it's something to talk about next time I see T.

I'd be really curious to know how that sessions goes...because I know at times I feel the same way.

[zooropa]

I'll let you know, MUE, if and when I am brave enough to talk about it with T. I think being aware that I'm having those conflicting thoughts and feelings is the first step.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I'll let you know, MUE, if and when I am brave enough to talk about it with T. I think being aware that I'm having those conflicting thoughts and feelings is the first step.

I know I'm not brave enough for that just yet....

There are plenty of things that I'm aware of - but don't share with T....I have a tremendous amount of resistance...and I'm not sure how to overcome that.

Originally Posted by zooropa

T told me what is true: I'm okay, and I will be okay without her. I kind of don't WANT that to be true. I don't WANT to be okay without her, because doesn't that mean I don't need her? Doesn't that mean she will send me away?

((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))

It's okay to be okay. I used to be afraid that me being okay = T disappearing, but it hasn't worked that way. There are always things to talk about (it doesn't have to be huge trauma) and I think it feels good to T and to me that I have been able to apply the lessons from therapy and manage my emotions, fears, memories, day-to-day life without him.

Your T promised that she wouldn't kick you out of therapy before you're ready, and she won't. Part of being ready is....being READY. You can be okay, AND not be ready to leave therapy yet. SO not black and white, you know? We're not "sick" or "well". We're somewhere in the middle (even people without therapists....even our THERAPISTS!). That's where life happens. It's okay to be in the middle and to still see T. And if you're not sure it IS okay, just ask, over and over and over and over again, as many times as you need to, until you believe her.

Isn't therapy the weirdest thing ever?

[WePow]

((((Zoo)))) You can ask your T, but I sense your T is going to be there with you for the rest of your life - as long as you "WANT" 'or' "need" her ;-)
My T and I talked about this topic and he said that some people who have abuse just have to have a lifetime T. He has one. And it looks like he will be mine.
That means we walk together closely while we are being healed. And we learn our skills - and they are there. And then we may not NEED to be around them for months at a time on down the line, but they did not "go" anywhere. They ARE the rock we were denied. They can be that for us - for keeps.

Ask your T about that and see what your T says ;-)

[zooropa]

I think you're right, Wepow. I mean, my T told me that DBT isn't meant to be a life-long therapy, and that at some point I will be done seeing her regularly. But she also said that after that, if I have things that come up that I need her help with, she will be there and I can come in and we'll "see what we can do".

It occurred to me this week that, even at some future time when I'm not seeing T regularly, I can probably still email/call/text her when I need to. It's my black and white thinking coming into play, thinking that I have to have all the T I have now or none of T at all. I suspect the reality is somewhere in between: I can have as much of T as I need, when I need it, but not more.

Oh zoo. I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I hate to pull out the DBT terms on you but I think it might help as you viewed this as a dialectical situation rather than so black and white. You can be okay by yourself AND still need t. Just my cents worth.

[WePow]

((((((Zoo))))) It does help to see when that old black and white thinking is at work! Uggg! I am glad you are seeing this with more clarity and able to see that relationships can change = in healthy ways :-) That is something I am learning too!

[zooropa]

kat, you're exactly right, and I appreciate you "pulling out the DBT terms"! It feels almost like talking to my T.

[seventyeight]

T told me what is true: I'm okay, and I will be okay without her. I kind of don't WANT that to be true. I don't WANT to be okay without her, because doesn't that mean I don't need her? Doesn't that mean she will send me away?

ugh my therapist told me almost the exact same thing today, and i felt the same way! i'm not as upset about the "does it mean i don't need her" implications, but yeah - does that mean she will send me away? that's just what i've been wondering about. i want to need her, i want her to need me, and i want there to be absolutely NO "sending away" of anyone!

how are you doing now, zoo?

haha zoo. I doubt I even come close to being as great as your t. I'm just trying to survive without my t so maybe I'm being a little more t'ish than usual for my sake. To be honest I was sort of suprised I thought of it that way. I guess I'm a lot better at fixing other peoples problems then my own. Oh wells. Maybe the skills will start coming easier to me the more I share them with other people. In your case I just had to remind you. You're really good at DBT zoo. I always appreciate your advice becuase your so well versed it DBT and well coping with life. I think its just hard to remember are skills when we are struggling. I'm always stuck in the black and white thinking trap. My mind is just "but this but that but but but" and I always have to remember to stick the AND in there. Dialectical things logically make no sense but they happen all the time. like being hungry and nothing sounds good to eat. I just remind myself that something doesnt have to be logical to be true. I hope your doing okay. If you need anything even just to talk. I'm here. Wow sorry that was a long message. Hope I didnt scare you off.

[rainbow8]

Did I already post this? Sorry if I'm redundant. I know I had a thread about not wanting to get better. My T definitely said that I don't have to stop seeing her when I get better. We didn't define better, but I got the idea. I can learn how to take care of my "parts" and be less dependent on her and still be in therapy. She's not going to get rid of me, ever, until I want to leave. Of course I worry that something will happen to her.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by katlover251

. If you need anything even just to talk. I'm here. Wow sorry that was a long message. Hope I didnt scare you off.

LOL! Kat, not at all. I really enjoyed reading your post. There aren't too many DBT people on this board (or they just aren't vocal about it), so it's nice to have someone else who knows the DBT terms.

You're really good at DBT zoo. I always appreciate your advice becuase your so well versed it DBT and well coping with life.

I really appreciate you saying that, although my reaction was this:

ME? Good at DBT, and coping with life? I guess it could be true. You have no idea how that makes me feel. It is so, so, so far from where I was a couple of years ago. It really makes me kind of dizzy to look back at how far I've come. Thank you for that, Kat.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Isn't therapy the weirdest thing ever?

in a word, YES.