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Yes thats how I felt today in T to start, all jumbled up, woke up steaming angry after having a day yesterday where everything made sense. I was lacking faith that todays session would give me the relief therapy most times can, but it did. As I tried to explain reluctantly to T about the anger I feel and frustrations and blah blah blah I felt like I was drawing T into my confusion, but of course I wasn't and when I finally looked round at T she was sitting there with a smile on her face, and I began to sort of laugh then and then.

T asked if my anger seemed to be getting worse? I said after thinking about it that yes it does, it seems like for a long time now I've lost something I had before. T said but you had it yesterday? I said, yeah I guess then T said I think your slowly allowing yourself to be angry in the world around you, not just splitting it off. Yeah that fit when she said that, I use to angry in an AA internet forum but left that group months ago when I realised I dont even like the people there nor like AA, it was just a place to vent my anger keeping my outside life protected from it, but now I am getting angry at things in the world now, and it feels yuk fo now, I can't split my anger off I'm aware of it now, though its harder for now, it is a step forward T said.

We talked about how I lack that feeling of entitlement, that I dont feel entitled to take things for granted, ie to be cared for, to get what I deserve etc and its that route feeling that triggers the anger. I said yeah that fits too but how do you change that core part of you? T said well I think you have to begin to "act as if" at first, I said but that dont always last and I forget then I'm stuck in that powerless place again, and T said yes its not easy but thats all we can say for now, just keep acting as if, use your intellect when your head is telling you negative stuff.

I left today with a greater awareness of my angery part today, realised just how I did keep it in one place and numbed myself everywhere else, now? I'm just f**king angry full stop LOL!!!

It was another productive session.

(((Melba)))

um... do you have anything to break? After my first 3 months of seeing T I had so much anger I went down to our basement and spent a while beating up an old matress with a bat. Old dishes are good. Hitting pillows... etc.
I'm sorry things feel so hard right now... but I think some anger is good? Does it feel more freeing to be angry like this in any way?

Good for you, Melba. I think it's important to own all of our feelings, including anger.

AND I think it's important to put the anger where it belongs. That can be tricky.

No at the moment it doesn't feel freeing, I guess thats why I've split it of for all of my life. I've heard hitting and punching and throwing things etc actually do nothing for the anger accept create it, it has no healing properties as many believe. BUT the freeing part is knowing at least why I have become such a miserable *****, Its like I was snapping at hubby and customers at work with no understanding why. But T pointing out that I am actually placing it the outside now more then hiding it, abeit unconsiously at least now I can say, ok this is anger, otherwise its been such a mystery to me. Suuupid but when I'm angry or miserable I guess I was just thinking I was just that, miserable when infact its supressed anger.

And I've just come in from dropping daughter off to work and the traffic was a nightmare and I think I threw the finger to a couple of drivers LOL!! Nah, I told myself to remain calm

Butting in here; you can tell me to go...

This kind of suggestion has always made me even more furious, and increased my feelings of impotence. I mean, those are not the things I really want to break. I really want to break some things that are not allowed even to be mentioned. The real things... or people...

When I first began therapy, my T asked me to punch a pillow because I think he thought it might help me express my anger, which he was just guessing existed somewhere inside-- I just didn't know it, he believed. Punching the pillow seemed alien and senseless to me, actually "stupid" is the best word. But I figured he was the expert so I tried hitting a pillow weakly as I held it, then I would look at him expectantly, like "did I do it right? what is supposed to happen when I do that?" LOL. Seems very silly and funny when I look back. T tried this with me a couple of times then told me this was never going to work with me, that it didn't work with some people at all. I still wonder what was supposed to happen.... I do believe, though, that punching inanimate objects does help some clients with their anger, Melba. But one size doesn't fit all. I am not sure the punching is supposed to be healing, but to help clients learn to be expressive, perhaps (F for me). You are so reflective and aware about your anger, Melba, so can meet it head on in therapy--something I greatly admire. I have a daughter who sometimes wakes up just plain angry and I often wonder what is going on with her. I try to understand, and believe at least for now it is best just to give her a wide berth. I know she doesn't want to be questioned about it! I hope someday in the future she will become more reflective herself. (My T has told me that my D knows why she is angry.) I think it is really great progress, Melba, if you are not now splitting off your anger but dealing with it. Maybe I failed at the pillow exercise because I was splitting.

Very good Melba...........

Hi,
My understanding of anger is its an 'e-motion' ie, it can help you to do something about a situation. It provides energy to act. However, of course one has to act on the problem to address it, rather than to 'act out' on the anger. I think its a valuable emotion, but to help you to act into the world usefully, and truthfully, not for attacking etc,. but I dont think your about to do the attacking thing anyway, I thnk you're responsible person.

good luck with it....

"I left today with a greater awareness of my angery part today, realised just how I did keep it in one place and numbed myself everywhere else, now? I'm just f**king angry full stop LOL!!! "

Melba - you amaze me :-) Your ability to be so honest and real with YOU about what you experience. That is the ultimate secret to healing. Honesty.

Thanks for everyones imput. Yesterday T said that putting words to these feelings helps us think about them which then helps create a change to them in the world around. I wasn't getting that in that moment but this morning I do feel aware of me angry, but less inclinded now to let it run ruot, /I think the thinking about it yesterday has helped a great deal, its liie a quite older person had taken the hand of a frightened toddler and just walked and talked to her, now peace resides a little more.

Look, I'm just sharing what has helped me. I was never allowed to be angry becaue my anger would be swallowed up by my mother's anger. I found it refreshing to have someone tell me I had a right to yell and get angry, that I didn't have to be quiet anymore. Fine if this is not helpful. So just let it go then.

Melba, your subject line made me LOL

I've seen anger, lots of it. It always made me feel bad, scared. So, I don't do it very much myself - which means it's pretty often over the top when it comes out (like today in the car at all the id10t drivers!)

Glad you are finding a way!

Mine was not a comment on you... just a data point of my own experience.

That's great that you were able to pinpoint the reason behind the misery....suppressed anger can wreak havoc on our lives...now that you've identified it, it brings you one step closer to wholeness....That's awesome.