So. I guess the END of the story of today's session is that T ended by saying "sometimes I'm a bad T, but I'm usually a good one". Today was a "bad T" day.

We just weren't connecting at all. He was feeling really..concerned? defensive?...about his part in the time thing, and was SO focused on that. I have been struggling in the hugest way since my session on Thursday with "all of the boundary crossings in the past were caused by me". I SO needed to get some help and relief at today's session, but T just couldn't hear me. And it was a 90 minute session, so it just feels like a waste of what could have been a really helpful time.

He finally, FINALLY got it at the end, and tuned in to what I was saying, and we did talk about what I needed to talk about for about 10 minutes. Then I gave him his socks and cried a whole bunch and then I left.

It just is what it is. I don't expect T to be perfect...he's only a person, and today, he was WAY more in "person" mode than in "T" mode.

It just sucks that now I have to sit with these feelings another week. They hurt, and I'm tired.

[geez]

(((Treehouse))) Sorry to hear you had such a disapointing session. Perhaps you can share with your T what you wrote here today? - send an email perhaps or bring it with you for your next appt. Wishing you some much needed comfort.

Originally Posted by geez

Perhaps you can share with your T what you wrote here today?

Thanks (((((((((geez))))))))))....I did finally get him to hear me, which is why things got back on track for the last 10 minutes or so. And then I did call and leave him a message about the fact that I've sat with these feelings since Thursday, and now I have to sit with them another week, and it feels SO awful.

I wish it could be fixed, but it can't. It just has to be what it is.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I wish it could be fixed, but it can't. It just has to be what it is.

Oh tree, I am sorry.

[darkrunner]

((((((((Treehouse))))))))

What could have happened to 'fix' it, if you hadn't run out of time?

Is a quick phone call possible sometime this week? Or maybe a couple of email exchanges? At least to tide you over.........

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( tree ))))

UGHHHH!!! I'm so sorry that your session didn't go as well as you needed it to. I hope you can find a way to hold onto the last 10 minutes of the session and get some comfort from T finally getting it. Please do reach out to T if you need to...

[googley]

(((((((((((Tree)))))))))))

I'm so sorry that you were not able to get what you needed from T today. Take care of yourself this week.

Originally Posted by darkrunner

((((((((Treehouse))))))))

What could have happened to 'fix' it, if you hadn't run out of time?

I don't know if we could have fixed anything. I guess I just mean we can't fix how the session went. I got the 10 minutes, and that was it, you know?

I did realize one thing during the 10 minutes. I realized that I really believe that the things that happened to me happened to me because of ME, because I'm bad, because I caused it. And watching the Oprah show and seeing the 200 men who had been abused, and hearing their stories - and how THEY thought THEY caused it, they were bad...I realized that we can't ALL be bad, and ALL be the cause, you know?

And I realized that I don't know which is worse, honestly....thinking it happened because I'm bad, or thinking it just happened?

I guess that's why I wish we had more than 10 minutes. We just didn't have enough time for me to work through it, and I'm left with a bunch of spiraly loose ends.

[mixedup_emotions]

We are not bad, Tree.....But it's hard to convince ourselves, because there's something deep rooted telling us that we are...I wonder what it will take to get us to understand for ourselves. Sure, when we hear others say it, we can be supportive and know that it is not true, they are not bad...but to really REALLY feel it and believe it for ourselves, that's a whole other beast....(( HUGS ))

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by treehouse

And I realized that I don't know which is worse, honestly....thinking it happened because I'm bad, or thinking it just happened?

If it "just happened" then it was even more out of our control -- and that feeling is bad!

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I don't know if we could have fixed anything. I guess I just mean we can't fix how the session went. I got the 10 minutes, and that was it, you know?

Oh - yeah, that makes sense. I get it.

Originally Posted by treehouse

And I realized that I don't know which is worse, honestly....thinking it happened because I'm bad, or thinking it just happened?

I guess that's why I wish we had more than 10 minutes. We just didn't have enough time for me to work through it, and I'm left with a bunch of spiraly loose ends.

Whenever you talk about your T, you often say stuff about how you know he will say this or that, and I guess I was just thinking, you are so insightful and self-aware, and you have such a great connection with your T. I was just wondering....if maybe you could work through some of it without T. I'm not at all implying that you don't need your T.....but it really s*cks to have to wait for a week.

I like your expression of 'spiraly loose ends' - it is so descriptive and makes me envision a bunch of live electrical wires waving around wildy in the air.
And that sounds painful. Hugs.

[WePow]

(((((Tree)))) Sometimes we learn and grow more after the hard or "bad" sessions.

If it "just happened" then it was even more out of our control -- and that feeling is bad!

I think this is so true. It's not about us at all. If it wasn't us it would have been someone else and for some strange and odd reason I find that extremely painful. Like I'm just an object.

I don't know if that makes sense.

I hope you feel better. You are working really hard.

[SenatorPenguin8081]

Originally Posted by treehouse

So. I guess the END of the story of today's session is that T ended by saying "sometimes I'm a bad T, but I'm usually a good one". Today was a "bad T" day.

We just weren't connecting at all. He was feeling really..concerned? defensive?...about his part in the time thing, and was SO focused on that. I have been struggling in the hugest way since my session on Thursday with "all of the boundary crossings in the past were caused by me". I SO needed to get some help and relief at today's session, but T just couldn't hear me. And it was a 90 minute session, so it just feels like a waste of what could have been a really helpful time.

He finally, FINALLY got it at the end, and tuned in to what I was saying, and we did talk about what I needed to talk about for about 10 minutes. Then I gave him his socks and cried a whole bunch and then I left.

It just is what it is. I don't expect T to be perfect...he's only a person, and today, he was WAY more in "person" mode than in "T" mode.

It just sucks that now I have to sit with these feelings another week. They hurt, and I'm tired.

Socks?? I'm sure there is a story behind that.

My T isn't perfect. I realize that he isn't perfect though. What helps is how direct I can be with him at times. I am 99% direct if my T pisses me off. I don't like wasting time, and I've had sessions where it has felt it hasn't gone where it should go or that my T just simply didn't get me that day at that moment. I usually tell him and he's really appreciative of the feedback. I had one session that was completely my fault, where I just couldn't say a damn thing, so I sat there in mostly silence.

Are you direct with your T, or do you expect him to just read between the lines? I find that being direct (as much as I am emotionally able to) is the better route because I don't waste so much time or energy.
Usually though, the good far outweighs the bad and you will live another week to talk about it. Sitting with feelings is something I find hard to do (or rather that I found difficult to do in the past).

It probably helps that my T doesn't have ADHD like I do.

Originally Posted by SenatorPenguin8081

Are you direct with your T, or do you expect him to just read between the lines?

I am incredibly direct with my T. Which is why we finally were able to get to my stuff at the end. I was confused and lost for most of the session but once I finally figured out what was happening, we talked about it, and T shifted.

I know T isn't perfect, and that is fine with me. He is such a good T, and ALWAYS listens to my side of any conflict we have. I love him for that.

So. I'm not upset AT him, as much as I'm just upset. Because this just feels like too much to sit with still.

I knitted him some socks....those were the socks I gave him

Thanks for the hugs and feedback and support, you guys. I'm trying HARD to find the silver lining in all of this, just to reframe it for myself so I can get through this week.

Really, really trying.

[SenatorPenguin8081]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I am incredibly direct with my T. Which is why we finally were able to get to my stuff at the end. I was confused and lost for most of the session but once I finally figured out what was happening, we talked about it, and T shifted.

I know T isn't perfect, and that is fine with me. He is such a good T, and ALWAYS listens to my side of any conflict we have. I love him for that.

So. I'm not upset AT him, as much as I'm just upset. Because this just feels like too much to sit with still.

I knitted him some socks....those were the socks I gave him

Good to know. Socks and all

I think you should know it's okay to also be mad AT your T sometimes too. I think those are completely normal feelings. I get upset AT my T when I'm in a similar situation, but it doesn't mean anything beyond that; I'm just angry about a thing in a moment and then it blows over. 2 minute, intense feelings--- the joys of ADHD lol. Sometimes I want to throw my T's books or something (the man has tons of them), but I think better of it. He's a pretty cool guy overall.

I think you should call your T and discuss it. My T would likely encourage me to call him if I left a session in the way that you did. They get paid well, don't worry-- a good part of the job for a T is out of session anyway.
You think calling him would help?

We've exchanged voice mails, and will probably connect on the phone again later in the week...the voice mails have helped some.

I'm used to big ruptures with T, but that's just not it this time. It's just the yucky sad feelings.

I'll be okay though.

[zooropa]

(((((treehouse))))))

Yes. You will be okay. You already ARE okay.

[sunrise]

(((((tree)))))

[jazzy123456]

/I would have stuff to say but, looks like everybody else on PC said it all.
good luck treehouse, looks like your figuring it out ...and I can relate to a lot of this.!

E-mail to T.

I don't know. I'm trying to make session okay in my head, even though it wasn't what I wanted (or needed or whatever) it to be. And you were like...in "person" mode more than "therapist" mode in some ways...and so I guess I'm trying to feel like I was with T the person, and that that's okay. Maybe I'm reaching, huh?

I am really really really tired. I felt like I did a good job really hanging in there and holding so many big thoughts and feelings until today, and I seriously, SERIOUSLY can't believe I am here with them another week.

I guess it makes me look for grace, so there's that. It makes me notice when things take a turn that I don't expect...when I realize I'm connected to people at my meeting, or when I catch myself in the mirror, laughing while (youngest son) and I are making our toothbrushing faces, or when (middle son with autism) surprises me by drawing a picture of God, or whatever. It makes me have to be open to whatever grace comes my way, because otherwise, everything just hurts too much.

Maybe I'm trying to "reframe" (therapist word!) all of this so I can get through the week. I don't know.

My feelings feel so so big. And I am so so confused.

[googley]

((((((((((((Tree))))))))))

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by treehouse

E-mail to T.

I don't know. I'm trying to make session okay in my head, even though it wasn't what I wanted (or needed or whatever) it to be. And you were like...in "person" mode more than "therapist" mode in some ways...and so I guess I'm trying to feel like I was with T the person, and that that's okay. Maybe I'm reaching, huh?

Sweet Treehouse - dont try to make it ok - just let it sit wiht you and let the feelings work themselves out - it doesnt HAVE to be ok.

I am really really really tired. I felt like I did a good job really hanging in there and holding so many big thoughts and feelings until today, and I seriously, SERIOUSLY can't believe I am here with them another week.

it sounds like this was an emotional ride that left you exhausted - somtimes trying to make another realise what you are saying is hard - andwhen its someone who usually is in tune wiht you - its frustratign as well as hard - no wonder youre exhausted. be gentle wiht you ok

I guess it makes me look for grace, so there's that. It makes me notice when things take a turn that I don't expect...when I realize I'm connected to people at my meeting, or when I catch myself in the mirror, laughing while (youngest son) and I are making our toothbrushing faces, or when (middle son with autism) surprises me by drawing a picture of God, or whatever. It makes me have to be open to whatever grace comes my way, because otherwise, everything just hurts too much.

and you already look for those things and appreciate them - see the progress you are making - you are doing such hard work dear Treehouse - somtimes there are bumps in the road and thats when we cling to all those wonderful little things that make life worthwhile - likethe toothpaste faces and beautiful drawings

Maybe I'm trying to "reframe" (therapist word!) all of this so I can get through the week. I don't know.

the hardest thing i found about a session was trying to make it "fit" - when you give up trying to make it fit - trying to make it alright and just see it for what it is - its less of a struggle - dont try to make it "right" just try to take whatever was good like the last 10 mins - and perhaps as has been said before - listen to your inner voice of T and see what he would say to you ... somtimes that helps me.....

My feelings feel so so big. And I am so so confused.

upi did a great job of letting T know what you were feeling - you did a great job or communicating - now do a great job of looking after you

take care my friend

[Oceanwave]

(((((tree)))))

blah? I think your T is really working hard to connect with your needs, and you are working hard to survive the moments when he is not ideal. That's not blah, tree. That's difficult. You are both doing the work.