flashbacks.

Last thing I said to T as I walked out yesterday was that it was ok, I think shes safe this wkend and there won't be any emails, but this morning I feel like I'm going "back" into that place again that was triggered this week, and am confused between whether its memorys of my mother or if its how T is feeling now because of all this.

I keep feeling as if something between us has changed, that in fantasy I always felt I was the one client she loved being with, now its oppersite fantasy is playing, that she is withdrawing herself, and I keep thinking she was sitting back further in her chair yesterday, but then I hear T;s vocie saying, "thats about your mother", then I remember the time my birth brother came up to me and said you know mum loves me better? Of course we were both adopted, both fighting for our own survival with an adoptive mother that needed to be loved, and I believed him, I believed that it was something about me that brought that choosing about, that I had this much power over her, is this what is now playing out with T? I'm sure in my rational mind I know T isn't swayed in how she thinks or feels by other peoples actions, but thats just how I was raised, my adoptive mother would alwasy say "its your fault" I became responsible for her wellbeing, it became my career so to speak, and in the end Ifelt I got that job wrong more times then enought, so its hard for me now to understand a rational adult doesn't blame other for their choices.

I will try to sit with all this uncertainty and confusion this wkend till I see T on monday, but not sure I can its intruding in my mind to much, the confusion, and anyways I believe it so much now, I think their is little T could say to change this doubt and anxiety, I seem to be able to twist anything good she says and make it what I need to make it, I seem to be wanting to resolve all these old issues of rejection and wont rest until they are and I dont think email is the best way right now (she says half heartedly)

I have a weird little ritual I do when I email anything personal to someone. I don't use the email program...at first...I type it up in Word, or notepad or something. Then I leave it sitting on my pc desktop...titled "important". I open it several times a day, edit, re-clarify, etc. Sometimes it takes a week to cut and paste it into email and several more days to actually click send.

Who really cares about my email ritual though...it's dumb and its obsessive. It does help me make my message clear and to the point. Just thought that since you have that overwhelming desire to email, this might work for you.

Melbadaze, remembering that you said earlier that when this began, T was listening to the radio with her son, do you think you are struggle with the feelings of fighting for attention and love, a kind of sibling rivalry going with T's son.. and that's keeping things stirred up. How could you compete (to get what you wanted and needed) with an older brother? How could you compete with T's son.

ThanksE Eileen, and its not dumb!

Most probably!!

I feel I'm trying to work so many things through right now. I feel sad about T and how I was last week, I feel I've hurt her in some way, but she said its me that I hurt, its me that was falling to pieces, unyet I felt as if she were sad too yesterday,she said that she felt like nothing she said was helping me, then she talked about the "good enought" mother, but I wanted then to tell her that everything she said helped that to me she is the perfect mother (I know, I know that will be a trigger for some), I wish I had said this to her yesterday, but I felt after my aggression this week she'd feel like a battered woman where promises of never again are given and I kept my mouth shut.

Perhaps this is all part of the same transference I have got going on right now? I hate that this happened, I guess I wish I could remain all lovey dovey, that eternal bliss, but thats not possible, I guess my past experience is that when things went bad growing up, they remained bad, they never recovered, there was never any resolution, just another round of bruises to be added to the last, metaphorically speaking.

But as intense as my anger feels to express at T, so does my love. sigh, lots of discomfort, I also feel as if I am having to let go of something, something is dying off. I have a couple of long time friends that I have been distant from lately, I feel as if I'm letting go of many things right now, its like a reorganizing of all my past believes, and some a good to let go off, but ones that I built to create a sense of safety in the world, ie giving power to others that I felt could "protect" me, is a difficult one to let go, I keep thinking I'm not enought for myself, how can I be all these things to myself? with this comes the fear that if T is growing away, perhaps in the normal way that happens eventually between a child as they grow and the parent, it maybe to soon, I dont feel ready! unyet perhaps its me that is doing the pushing with the aggression? Perhaps I am ready and things are just as they "should" be? Oh sorry I feel I'm rambling.

But you know that feeilng when change is going on and everything seems upside down.

No I know what it feels like, like I am not important, oh please don't mistake that for vanity and wanting cries of "Oh but you are" LOL! I mean growing up in an angry family one believes their own importance because thats all there is, one believes their anger is great power, because it appeared to when its coming from everyone and everyone is reacting to everyone elses anger, it all gets very dysfunctional and feelins of healthy self worth are replaced with narcissistic feelings of importance. I guess T's "steadiness" this week makes me feel unsure, shes' not blamed me for anything, not accused me of hurting her, and that lives me in new terrority, its not what I'm used too, it feels too, well to quite. Its the feeling of loss of the false sense of importance, its scary, I have to trust that this doesn't mean I become like the hole in the dougnut.

Cripes just how crazy is a crazy family? what mental twists it creates, growing up shouting at each other and that creates a feeling of importance, how crazy is that?!?!?!

I think I'm gradually climbing my way up to mediocre, I'm just not that important, I'm not the centre of anyones life, I'm thinking T is so eaten up with saddness this wkend and she's proberbly out enjoying her life and barely remembering last weeks events LOL!!

ohf**khowf**kedupamI? LOL