How do I face T tomorrow?

I'm sorry I'm posting so much, but I'm scared. I just emailed my T and asked her to email me after she reads all the emails I sent her when she was away. I asked her to tell me she wasn't upset with me and that I shouldn't be afraid to see her tomorrow.

I just spit everything out in my emails and I don't know how I'm going to talk to her about it all. Not just about going by her house. I know you're supposed to tell your innermost feelings to your T, but now I feel so exposed and vulnerable. This is probably what therapy is supposed to be like, but I'm in uncharted territory and I'm lost. Please help.

your T understands what you wrote and why. your T will not press you to discuss this but in small increments to help you feel safe. glad u opened up via your emails. it will help to steer your therapy in the areas you are concerned. try not to be afraid. you've made a step towards healing from within with the help of your T.

raini bet you T is strong enough to handle all that you have spit out to het over the week and will so be thare for you.i'm even sure she knew how you were going to be feeling durring the time that you were gone.i hope she reads your e-mails soon and responds so that she will be able to put your mind somewhat at ease.but i suspect you wont feel totally ok with yourself untill you meet with her in person and see that she is ok your relationship is ok and you are ok and have made it through her vacaationsending you tons of hugs and currage for tomorrow and will be thinking of you.probibly not to helpfull but i am thinking of you

Of course being honest is scary! It is so hard to let someone in so close to yourself! I am sure your T will reassure you. You probably won't get to talk about everything tomorrow. Maybe you can try to itemize the most important things from the emails you wrote, so you have kind of a "rainbow map" for your meeting.

((((((((((Rainbow))))))))))

I know it's scary to go see T after big e-mail disclosures...I've SO been there.
AND I KNOW your T can handle whatever you bring to her.

I think that T vacations can bring up a lot - before, during, and after the vacation. My T takes a lot of breaks and vacations, and I'm sure that's guided my healing in a different way than if he had been here all the time (although I would greatly prefer him to be here).

T and I have had ruptures around his vacations, I cried for the first time in therapy after a T vacation, I've had to face a lot of my "stuff" when T has been gone and I've been kind of on my own. Vacations can be a really big deal.

Your T won't be surprised that vacation brought stuff up for you. And she won't be disappointed that you had a hard time. She is a good T, and she will be curious, and will want to help you use everything that came up to help move you closer to healing.

Be gentle with you

I so agree with tree, and the others. I really cried for the first time in T (after about 10 months in t) right before my t left on vacation a few months ago. Like, sobbing, because I didn't want her to go. She understood. It means you are connected to her - and connection is when good therapy happens. It is her job as a therapist to make sure that you do not become too dependent on her for your own good. Just keep expressing how you feel and let T handle it. That is her work with you - to guide all those big feelings to the betterment of you. Of course, I realize it's a lot easier for me to say that, than to be in your shoes doing it. We all have our own "stuff" with our Ts. (((Rainbow)))

I know you're scared, Rainbow, but it's going to be OK.

You opened up about some really big stuff. And even though it's scary, it's good, because it will guide your therapy where it needs to go.

I understand SO WELL how it feels to reveal something scary to my t, and then be a bundle of raw nerves until i heard her say that what i said/wrote was just fine and didn't upset her!! I understand your need for reassurance that what you said was OK. I hope you get that reassurance soon!

Here's another hug for good measure. . .

You guys are wonderful! When I've been depressed lately I think that I have this forum to live for--it keeps me going.

thanks, madisgram. I needed that reminder that T will understand. I know she will.

granite, you're always helpful to me. You're right. I need to be in that room with T to feel better.

Eileen--that's cute, a "rainbow map". I do need to write a list because everything is jumping out at me now. That's how I am about everything. I am stubborn, don't like lists but I make one I feel so much better!

tree, thank you. I didn't know t's vacation was going to bring up so much. Bt never took vacations, maybe once in 5 years!

doogie, yeah, I need to let T handle it. My job is just to go in with the feelings. I've got to remember that. Thanks!

Peaches, thank you. I have a lot to talk about and you're right. There's some really big stuff.

((((Rainbow))))) It will be OK. Your T knows the real YOU.

(((((WePow)))))

My T emailed me and told me she's not upset and that I shouldn't be afraid to see her tomorrow.

She said she was glad I was honest and curious about my parts.

I'm relieved but still afraid I'll be so embarrassed at my session.

(((((Rainbow)))))) Keep up the awesome work!!! Be honest and let your parts be honest!!

good luck tomorrow, rainbow! you'll have to let us know how it goes!!

thinking of you .and hoping the best how did it go

Thanks so much, granite. My appointment is in about 3 hrs. I feel like you. I have so much to talk about but I may just shut down, sit there and not be able to talk because it's too overwhelming. T has my emails, but I don't think I could read them out loud! I know how you feel!!!!!!

(((((((((rainbow)))))))))))) I'll be in your pocket at today's session! I have a feeling that this T will be so reassuring that you won't end up shutting down.

thanks, Jexa!! I hope your day off helps you feel better. I didn't know what to say, but I read your thread and I'm thinking about you too.

I think you may be at the start of your session - sending you TONS and TONS of hugs!!!!!

i hope she will read them for you i just dont see the great importance in you reading them.riding in your pocket please let me know how it went

How'd it go Rainbow?

(((( RAINBOW ))))

Please post an update when you can. Hope your session went well....(( HUGS ))

Thank you for your concern. Well......my session was not the worst and not the greatest. I was disappointed, kind of, because as many of you told me, my T wasn't bothered by anything in my emails. I didn't get into so much depth about any one problem. I didn't want to close my eyes; I wanted to see her, so we didn't do IFS.

She thinks it's a part of me that wanted to see her house, not all of me, when I described my feelings. She thought it made sense that I did it.

She steered the conversation to my feeling more depressed lately, and thought I should volunteer if I can't or don't want to find another job.

I said that I thought I'd do better with her away, that I'm still sort of obsessing about Ts though I think it's different with her. She said it was good that the issues came up so we know what to work on. I told her that my former T never traveled, and she said she traveled a lot. I didn't really want to hear that.

I talked about being jealous of her and her husband.

Before I left, I asked for a hug. Last time we hugged for the first time but I didn't feel it. This time it was much better! But when I left her office and went into the hall, the sadness hit me. I sat down on a bench I never saw there before. I was surprised to hear her voice. She came out and was talking on her cell phone. She saw me and asked if I was okay. I shook my head no. I said I didn't feel good because the little parts didn't get to talk. She said I hadn't wanted to do IFS about them, which was true. She asked if it would help if we walked out together. I said yes. So we did. I said I wanted to hold her hand. I know it sounds so dumb but she did it, just for the short walk to my car. She told me it was okay to cry, but I didn't. I said I wanted the session to be more intense, but it wasn't.

Of course the walking out together made me feel better but I'm still depressed. Maybe I do need meds. I've never taken them before. I realize she can't be the answer to my problems; she can only help me find the answer. Shattered dreams again, though I know she's not more than my T.

I know I feel what I do when I write it, but the talking about the feelings is a letdown. She wanted to know if I felt better after sending those emails, which I did.

We talked about my writing and how it's the only thing I can look forward to doing if I don't have a job. I told her how much PC means to me too.

So, that was it. At one point I told her I wanted her to be perfect and she said "I'm far from perfect." I think I've told that to other Ts and they gave me the same answer. I see she's not perfect and it bothers me. I told her that maybe I hate myself but not all of me. She said a part of you hates yourself.

So, I'm not better. My H keeps asking me if I am. He sees therapy as a waste if I'm not better after 15 years.

i'm so sorry rain

(((((((((((Rainbow))))))))))))) I am glad that you were able to get some connection with T in the hug and the goodbye walk to the car. There is something you need that you are closing in on... but still not yet clearly in sight - yet.

Your T sounds pretty good Rainbow, even though the session brought out some incomplete feelings and words. She obviously cares about you. Very important to have a T who cares.