bad place

(((((((((((WePow)))))))))))---just talk to us.......

Perchance you can get some of this stuff out and everyone can help you till you have your next appointment...........

If I can stand so much more of my own personal spiritual pain------------------

I know that you can stand much more-----------------

I admire and care about you here---------------as do many others.

You are right about it being "powers of" something else----I believe everything happens for a purpose--------------I send you hugs galore-----theo

Here's some strength to get through another day WFH:


hope you do get a call with T, curled up on your own couch under a blanket nice and safe.

Thanks much all. I don't like to talk on the phone - that is a big trigger for me still. I just want to go be with my T and feel safe and not on guard. It is like that is the only place I can let down this huge shield I carry with me everywhere. And I am spoiled because now I have been able to let it down for an hour a week or two hours sometimes! Now I am like "This shield is so heavy!!" But I can't let it down anywhere else because I get projectiles thrown at me!!! And T didn't reply at all to my email yesterday about no session, so naturally I think he is angry with me. Not that makes me feel like I am walking around in a whole suit of chainmail.

how is the weather might you still be able to go

I agree with granite, WePow. Perhaps you can still go. How about taking the bus, or a taxi, if you don't want to risk driving on your own?

what a great idea ocean has.wepow take care of you not SO or anyone if you need to go and can find a safe way to go please try

Good news :-) I sent an email asking for a reply from T and he did so :-)
I finally asked him if he was mad at me for cancelling. I just can't risk being trapped in an ice storm - that happened to me one day when I was in college and it was BAD on me. T wrote back and said he was not mad or upset with me "at all" :-)

So now I think I will be ok until I see him next monday. If we get snow next monday, I am moving back to Florida !!!!

lol florida isnt doing so well right now either lol its cold

((((((WePow))))
I'm so glad that you got an email from your T. I know that he wants you to be safe. I'm glad he let you know that he isn't mad at you. I wouldn't go out in an ice storm either.

It looks like we won't get ice until later --- urrrrr !!!!! But I would have felt aweful had I said I would be there and then could not make it. So maybe someone else needed that time with "my" T :-) I just need to survive until Monday for my next session! Boy do I miss my T.

(((((((WePoW))))))))

How terrible you have to wait when you miss T. Can't he schedule you in for another time this week? Could you ask?
How do you feel about the wait though? Do you think you are coping quite well without him? Are you managing well, what do you think?
Sending loving thoughts and strength to you.

Thank you, Oceanwave. I will see him Monday. I am doing "ok" without seeing him some, but then I can feel that I do need him. Then I get mad for feeling I need him and go into my protection mode. It is odd because one hour I will feel super great and not have any bond with him at all - like something clicks off inside me. Then I feel SOOO good - almost free? And I think "I don't need anyone ever in my life, much less some stranger I didn't know until a year and a half ago. Someone I can't even ever really bond with anyway IRL." I am not really a person who has friends anyway thanks to the years and years of any friend I made turning their back on me in a big way. My trust level with people is very low thanks to experience.

Then the next hour it hurts deeply inside and I honestly miss him. I miss the connection. Since he is being so silent with emails and not saying much, I sense maybe he is going through something hard. Or maybe not. IDK. But I want to look at his eyes and just make sure HE is ok. I know I am not supposed to do that I guess and that makes me even more sad. Then I go back into really thinking therapy is hurting me more than it is healing me if I feel this way when I can't see him? IDK. It is just mixed up.

I now kinda feel like I am back inside myself and that was safe for so many years. So it feels good to be here again. It is almost where I was emotionally when I first started to see him. I know I healed a ton of trauma, but I did need to work on other stuff too. So I am kinda just rolling with things.

(((wepow))) I am so sorry you are going thru this right now. Please be kind to yourself!

Ugg.. I am having a little harder time today working from home for some reason.
Asked my T for a reply - just want something from him to cling onto today!

I'm glad you asked T for a reply. Good job advocating for your needs.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time working from home today. I hope it gets easier.

I freaked out because PC was having issues and I could not log in!!!! I am mad I wrote T and asked for a reply. I want to write again and say "Just never mind! I have done this life without you the whole time and never want to see you again!!!!"
??? Talk about distorted anger!!!! Of course if I wasn't messed up inside, I would not be a client

((((wepow))))whats going on?

I hurt inside real bad now - anxiety attack I guess. I want my T and can't get to him and have to work from home which I hate. And I hate these panic attacks.
Thank you for asking! :-)

(((wepow))) just wanted to give ya a hug!

T wrote back. Said other clients can maintain peace in the midst of their environments... so I can too.

sending tons of hugs.if you are working from home why not hang around here and get hugs.i'm home also just couldnt go to work so called out the las few days it feels good for me to be home .

wow seems he misses this one

??

Could be:
"You can do this and I believe in you. I believe that you are as strong if not stronger than others I have worked with."

Could be:
"Other people can do this so why can't you?"

From hearing about your excellent T, WePow, I would bet the house it's the first one.
Blerg. I - ah - would feel confused... and probably go to the second one... and get mad.
How are you doing?
not sure if I am helping...

Elana

Right now I am very glad he said what he said when he said it because honestly I know he is right. It is tough love. I can do that.
At the same time it was good because it solidified the wall I felt going up.
Now I know I was right the whole time and very glad I never let myself ever fully trust. It is a strange sensation inside. Not hurt. Not mad. Just finalized. Now I won't miss him anymore if that makes sense. And that is fine with me. It is like I was right the whole time from the point of being a child that I really have to just do this myself anyway. So whatever. I will be so glad when this life is finally over.

(((((WePow)))))

Tons of hugs to you. I do believe that you can do this. Hang on to the good image of T that you can trust. Try not to turn it into "evil T", okay? It is the weather that's evil and horrible, but T is there and he cares for you a lot. You know that this is the truth, hold on to that. Can't you see him earlier than Monday? You remember how once when he was away you suggested to him that he doesn't allow you to email him, as his lack of response might tick you off. Maybe that's the way forward: hold on to the positive, and stay away from email?