[zooropa]

it's midnight, and I've been up for almost 24 hours. I'm lying in bed crying and looking at my Ts website. My stomach hurts so much. I can't breathe. I don't know what or why or how or where to go from here.

I know I can call my T in the morning, although I don't know what I'll say to her. I wish I had the capability to just sleep right now and wake up tomorrow. When I saw T on Tues (yesterday? ) she made me give her my xanax. I really really wish I had those pills back right now.

I feel a tiny bit better, writing this. My stomach still really really hurts and my chest too, but I can breathe a little bit.

[zooropa]

I just sent this to my T. I don't know wtf is wrong with me.

it's late, really late. Too late to call you. I've been up for almost
24 hours and I know I need to sleep soon. But I can't. I'm just lying
in bed, crying and trying to distract myself with the internet. But I
can't because everything hurts. My stomach and my chest and everything
deep down inside. That huge hole inside me. It hurts and I don't know
why or how or what happened, but I know I'm not okay and I just keep
trying to tell myself I AM ok, and it's not working. I really want to
do anything ANYTHING to not feel like this anymore. And so I keep
telling myself to wait, that how I feel will change. But...****. I
can't just feel this way and be calm and wait it out. Some things are
too...I don't know. Too hard to wait. Knowing a better moment is
coming isn't helping when I feel like I'm stuck in this moment and
it's as bad as any I've ever had. So does that mean, this is how it
is? Does it never change? Does it ever go away? I'm tired of living
this life where I'm laid low, just totally knocked over, by my
emotions. I have to have hope that it won't always be like this, but
I'm losing it. I thought talking about the rape would help, and it
didn't. I thought just being in therapy would help, but now I'm
running out of time and I'll be alone in these moments and then what
will I do? So yes, it helped. But if it's not a lasting change then
it's almost worse than no change at all. To come so close to seeing
what life could be like if you're not unhappy every moment, and then
watch it slip away. I'd rather be numb again.
I can't take care of me and I can't take care of my kids and I can't
NOT take care of them either.
It's so hard to try to cry so quietly so (my daughter) won't hear me when
she's just on the other side of the door.
I'm just going to send this and I know, I KNOW, I will wake up
tomorrow and regret having sent it. But I need to not feel so alone
just right this second. Somehow, sending this feels like a connection
to you and that's all I can hang onto right now

[Melbadaze]

Does xanax are going the rounds, didn't someone give them to you? There not smarties can cause addiction and can actually make things worse, I knew someone that use to remain stuck in a sprial to rationalise taking them, becareful, no one ever died from lack of sleep...hope you get a reply

[zooropa]

yeah. someone gave me 10. I took 2, over the course of 2 days. I talked to T, then gave her the rest. I'm not a newbie to the world of benzos and I realize they have addiction potential, but what is going on with me right now is not caused by having taken 1mg of xanax on 2 separate occasions in the last week. thanks for minimizing what I'm going through, though, and for the lecture about popping pills too. That really helped.

((((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))))

[darkrunner]

Big hugs, ((((((Zooropa)))))))

I feel for you so much. The other night I was in a similar place to you, lying on my bed in emotional agony. I couldn't remember that that the feelings would stay that way forever, that they would lessen in intensity and eventually go away. Luck for me I was able to go to sleep, and the next day I did feel better.

So I just wanted to remind you that you won't feel this way forever.

You NEED sleep, though. Im sure you will feel a million times better if you get some rest. Can you think of anything that might help you fall asleep?

I hope your T responds soon.

[Verbascum]

Hugs to you.

Can you take very, very, very small steps, one by one?
Everything in front of you is very huge right now, no wonder you feel so lost, I would feel so anyway.
I've been there too. Something that can calm me down is try to think something like: I can handle this moment, here, now. I can make this very little step. I know there are huge things in front of me, but how close they are, they are NOT "here, now". And I can handle "here, now".

You can handle "here, now". Please stick to that.

[rainbow8]

Zoo: I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. I hope your T responds in a helpful way to your email.

(((((((((zoo)))))))))

Ugh. I am so sorry

Not sleeping just does a HUGE number on me. It's so hard for me to find my footing, and everything feels a million times worse...and some things feel so bad already, that a million times worse is almost unbearable. I hope you were able to get some rest.

You won't feel like this forever, I promise. And the times between feeling this bad will get longer and longer. I know it's hard to imagine, but with all of the hard work you're doing, it WILL happen. Slowly, but surely.

Reaching out to T is good. Reaching out here is good. You are doing a good job.

Love and hugs

[WikidPissah]

(((zoo)))

I'm sorry you're going thru this right now. Sounds really bad, and I hope you hear from T. I take ativan for extreme anxiety, and like you I take it sparingly, only when it's bad. Sometimes I will go a couple days in a spiral, then I remember to take the damn ativan. Have you ever tried taking a dose of benedryl? Sometimes that can relax you enough to sleep, or at least take the edge off.

[Fartraveler]

((((Zoo))))

Not getting enough sleep does a number on me, too.

What helps me (in no particular order), so, maybe some of these might help you too:
benadryl
valerian tea
mindfulness meditation
warm milk with honey in it and some bread
exercise during the day

What Verbascum said, also. When I feel the way you describe, it really helps to just slow down and take things one step at a time.

Take care. I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this.

-Far

[googley]

((((((((Zoo)))))))

I hope you got some sleep and are feeling better. I hope your T calls you right after you wake up. I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. I wish there was more I could do besides just offering words.

[seventyeight]

hi zoo,

i know you're on west-coast time, but i wanted to see how you were doing today..

[jexa]

Oh zoo!!!!

Anxiety is awful awful awful I'm so sorry. I don't have anything to add to what others have said except offering a few hugs and saying, I hope T gets back to you SO SO soon. Please let us know how you are doing today.

[zooropa]

I'm here. I slept for a few hours, that was good. I haven't heard back from T but I didn't ask her to call me in the email, so she may not. I'll probably call her later today. I'm just kind of hanging out in bed still, completely emotionally hung over from last night.

thank you all so much for your replies, it means so much to me to have this place.

[zooropa]

I called T at noon. She hasn't called me back. I'm just trying to hang on but I'm slipping.

[jexa]

Here for you, zoo. You're in this moment, this one right now, not any moment in the future. What can you do right now in this moment to calm down and soothe yourself? Knitting? Hot bath? Tea? Or nothing except curl up in your PJ's?

[zooropa]

I've been in bed in my pjs all day. And I still am. I'm knitting and trying to watch things that will distract me and not trying to do much else. You know that feeling like you have to hold still, because if you move you don't know what sort of motion you will create, where you will go or what you will do? I'm letting inertia keep me in place right now. It's all I can do.

(((zoo))) Can you try calling t again and let her know that you really need to talk to her asap? You shouldn't have to suffer like this. I'm really glad you are using your skills though. I'm sorry you feel this bad. (((zoo))).

(((((((((zoo))))))))))

I'm sick, so I've been in my pajamas all day knitting too. It's like we're together

Breathe. You are okay, even if you move. Call T again if you need to.

[jexa]

Hey, that's okay, zoo! You are doing what you have to do right now. Staying in bed, knitting, distracting. I hope you hear back from T sooooo so so so so soon.

[zooropa]

I would call her again, if I knew what to say. I don't even know what I would say if she called me back at this point. I'm sure she'll call eventually, tomorrow probably. I have to admit, I keep checking my phone, wondering if I missed her call and she left me a message that I somehow missed. I want her to call now just so I can quit waiting, not so I can talk to her.

I'm just getting through this. Not gracefully or prettily or smoothly. Certainly not painlessly. But getting through it.

[jexa]

zoo, did T call? How are you doing now?

[zooropa]

((((Jexa)))) thanks for asking.

no, she hasn't called. Right at this moment I'm in the middle of "I quit T, I'm never speaking to T again, f**k her." I'm sure I will not be in this place when it comes time to actually go to T on tues, but it's where I am now.

I had a horrible dream about T and abandonment last night. I don't even remember the details any more except it was about T and I was so sad and I woke up crying.

[googley]

(((((((((Zoo))))))))))

I'm so sorry your T didn't call. Could you call her again and say that you really need her to call? You have said before that sometimes she forgets or looses track of things. If you call, maybe she will call back sooner. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. I know it really hurts when they don't call back when we need them to.