bad place

Actually, just to add to the above as I have just seen your recent post, maybe you COULD just email him to clarify what he meant, okay? And when he reassured you, as I'm sure he would, hold on to that good and stay away from email for now. Would that work, what do you think?

(((((Oceanwave)))) Thank you for the reminder. I am not sure why this touches a deep and unhealed part of me. Very interesting that part is. Oh yes, I am staying away from email for sure. After I read that, I had a panic attack just trying to check my account. It is like I am now terrified of my own email !!!! LOL at self !!!

Just read your additional note. I can't open my inbox now. So it will have to wait. That is ok. I need to just be away from him to gather my own thoughts and figure it out. I have you all here on PC to help, so I am really not allowing myself to isolate the way I try to isolate. :-)

((((WePow))))

Would it help to turn to something that engages your attention, maybe a good novel that you cannot put down, or a film, or writing a poem or story - or some other activity you can immerse yourself in. If you could re-focus it would make T's actual response less important. You could get on with a project that interests you whilst holding on to the connection at the back of your mind and trusting that T is the same thoughtful and loving T that you have always known him to be. I know you are working from home, but still, better turn to those things than having anxious thoughts. Maybe you could try if that helps?

I decided to punish myself anytime I think of T with a rubberband snap. Oddly, that is very much working now!!!!!

((((((((WePow)))))))

Please don't punish yourself for thinking of T. Thinking of your T is natural. Please don't do this.

wepow i hate to see you punish yourself for any reason.please stop it is ok to think of T.he is a good part of your life

WePow: I am deeply sorry for the way you're feeling and treating yourself now. There have been many times that, when T says or writes something that hurts you and you feel is off the mark, you say "that's it" and decide to wall yourself off from him. Do you think there is a middle ground here? Or that you're thinking is a little bit twisted?

Each time this happens you go back and you do reestablish your trust with T. He tells you that he IS there for you and you can trust him. It's easier for you to continue the pattern of not trusting anyone. That makes perfect sense, but it's not black or white. T is a trustworthy person.

I'm probably grasping at straws and not helping. You've helped me so much that I hope you take this the right way, that I wish I could say the right thing. It hurts me to think of you snapping a rubber band when you think about your T.

(((((((((((((((All))))))))))) thank you. I stopped punishing myself. But it worked.
Now I am glad I don't have to see him until next Monday. That will be 4 days of peace anyway. I do understand what you are sharing, Rainbow. Thank you.
I just now see all the times when I blew off things that were warning signals to not get closer. Oh well. Time will heal this wound too. Maybe you are right, just a pattern I do. But people scare me when I am vulnerable with them - and now I just remeber why. I am glad I use my scale of trust rather than yes or no.
T was at about 93 - the highest anyone can ever get with me is 95 (1-100).
Now he is like a 30ish. Strangers are about 60 usually.

I remember when I first started seeing him and didn't know him at all how it felt so much safer. I was never really hurt too much by strangers. They were almost always people I knew. I remember after our first rupture about 2 months into therapy how T told me that my eyes had changed somehow. He couldn't pin point what it was, but the way I looked at him was different.

The odd thing is that I have had other people tell me the same thing - friends and lovers. They tell me I looked at them one way when we first meet but then after our first fight, I change. One lover said she really missed how I looked at her those first months. I tried hard to look at her the same way (but no clue how that was) - but she said that the look never returned. She described it as a wall going up around me and that I was looking at her from inside the wall - and she couldn't go into where I was.

The weather is bad and you can't see him, therefore you don't trust him anymore. That logic isn't quite straightforward, is it. After all, you are the one who cancelled, not him. And I wonder what the missing link is, why it is HIM you cannot trust now. What do you think? Maybe you expect something from him that you are not getting from him right now; maybe you want him to reach out, or phone you and say everything is okay. WePow, I think that, once again, you need something and you might not be aware of it. Can you pin down what it is, and ask T specifically for what you need? Remember, he is always very willing to help with that. WePow, remember what you've learnt from him so far - this is the time to put all that into use.

Thank you, Oceanwave. Yes, I was the one who had to cancel. I was workng with the small part of myself last night and I realized that the biggest part of the breakdown in trust was not about not seeing T, it was because three times in the time waiting for him, he compared my response to other clients.

That part of me really hurt thinking about this. My dad and mom used to punish my brothers by comparing them to me. "Your sister does THIS so why can't YOU??"
So him doing that really pushed my button.

I feel better this AM - calmer. At least now I know why it hurt so much.
And I can wait to talk about this with him Monday. No big deal now that I figured it out for myself. But there still is a disconnect there. I am sure it will grow back when I see him and tell him what I learned. I do tend to learn a lot from these types of things. I never realized this was one of the BIG triggers for me. So now I know. Tons of hugs!

((((((((((WePow)))))))))

I'm so glad you figured that out. I hate it when those triggers pop up and we don't know why they are so sensitive. I'm so glad you are going to go see T on Monday and talk to him about this. Good job for figuring it out!

Wow! Good work WePow. I'm impressed you figured that out! You might find other things there too, if you keep thinking. I hope you will have a productive session about all this on Monday!

((((((((((wepow))))))))))

i'm sorry you ended up missing your appt and getting so triggered. glad to hear you are doing better now. i just wanted to say it is totally okay to need your T. none of us can make it in life by ourselves because we just aren't meant to. so, please don't put up a big wall and try to keep T out. that isn't in your best interest. going it alone is not the answer. it is true that people can't be there for us 24/7 though. that is just something with time i think you will grow to accept rather than wanting to throw T overboard when he can't be available. just make him sit in the corner for 5 minutes or something instead.

WePow, I'm sorry. This sounds like a hard and lonely headspace. I can relate to the rapid switching of I need you- I never needed you and I never will- oh my god I need you right now etc etc. It's exhausting. I hope you can get a bit of rest in your head.

I love bloom's throwing overboard vs. putting him in the corner comparison. The corner does sound like a better solution- telling him off while keeping him close

I hope you're ok.

(((((((((ALL)))))))))))))))

Thank you all so much for being HERE for / with me over this time.
It was very difficult. But I also learned a whole lot about myself in the process.
It helped so much because you guys reminded me of my pattern. That is more helpful than what a T has time to do in that sawed-off short hour.

I had a good day yesterday just being able to rest in my own skin without any thought of what T was or was not doing. T's email about insurance took me by surprise, but it didn't impact me. I did email him back and mentioned that I had to process Monday with him about his reply from the day before. He wrote back right away (that was nice) and said he was speaking to himself as he wrote it because he also needed to be reminded of what he was saying.

I do that a whole lot myself - even on PC. I think deeply about what I share on the posts of others and I write back what I think I would need to hear if I were the one writing the post. So I totally understand now where T was comming from with that. And I also see how easy it is for the other person to not see your written point! It is very hard to be in the other person's shoes. And what you think would help you out can really not be the right thing to say to someone else.

Anyway, thank you again very much for all your help!!!

(((((((((((((WePow)))))))))))))

Wishing you a peaceful Saturday.