[zooropa]

I had my session. It pretty much sucked. T kept saying the wrong thing and *I* kept saying the wrong thing and making her think the wrong thing.

I left feeling like blah and I wish she was going on vacation NOW so I wouldn't miss her but be relieved for the break.

Don't feel like she heard or listened or felt what I was saying. I feel like she was TRYING to, but she missed the mark. I kept trying to tell her no, that's not it, but she wasn't getting it and the whole thing just really really really sucked.

Especially since I need her and I don't feel ok about calling her and ARGH. I wish she was leaving for vacation right now, today.

[jexa]

UGHHHH I HATE THOSE KINDS OF SESSIONS! Ugh that sucks zoo.

I don't know if this is the case in your area, but I have noticed that people in general have been acting "off" lately. I personally have had awful sinus congestion and it makes me feel tired all the time and in a bad mood. It seems like lots of people around me have been feeling like this. The season, the flus and colds that are going around, the holidays coming up, everyone feeling stressed.. My point iss this might be very attributable to circumstances outside of anyone's control. Not that it necessarily makes this easier

I know you don't feel ok about calling her but.. how bout calling her tomorrow? Remember what T said about calling...

[zooropa]

I guess I'm having a hard time being in wise mind right now. My emotion mind is screaming loud and clear, and my reasonable mind is whispering. I think the thing to do when I'm like this is nothing. Just get through it without making anything worse and hope that a more centered moment is on the horizon.

thanks Jexa. I called T already once since my session ended 3 hours ago. Actually, I called her twice, because I missed her first call back. So I know she's TRYING to connect with me and meet what needs she can, but even when I talked to her it was just kind flat and she was obviously distracted and just going through the motions.

It depends on if I can break out of spiraling about this or not. If I can't, I'll call or email her later, because I know from experience that the longer I let myself spiral the harder it is to pull out of it. But, meanwhile, I have some other stuff going on and maybe that will distract me enough to stop the spiral.

Posting here certainly helps with that.


PS: reasonable mind is whispering that I'm mad at T for going on vacation. She told me about it again today, and said she could try to fit me in on the one day she'll be in the office. I had to remind her that we already had this conversation last week and she already booked me on that day. So not only do I feel abandoned by her leaving, but I also feel like she can't distinguish her conversations with me from her conversations with anyone else. That doesn't make me feel very secure or...I don't even know. Not special. Not an individual. Just another person coming into her office and dumping all their problems on her.

[zooropa]

T wanted to make a kind of "road map" (her words) for where we'll be going over the "next few months". She wanted to know what trauma I wanted to talk about.

this is bothering me: she asked me if I thought the CSA was worse than the SA. I don't even...I said I don't know. It's different. But as I've been thinking about it, it really bugs me. Is there even a way to quantify such things? Is there some kind of arbitrary scale and some traumas are worse than others? Doesn't it depend on the person and the circumstances and a whole host of other variables?

I'm obviously emotionally reactive right now, so maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. I'm wondering, PC friends, how would you feel and what would you think if your T asked you that?

[WePow]

(((((Zoo))))))

OMG, i have no clue, i wouldn't know what to say? i agree with you, how could you tell the difference, i would never rate them on a scale of 1-10....

Zoo, sending you the very safest of hugs.... (((((((((((Z00))))))))))))

(((((((zoo))))))!!!!

For me, the WORST FEELING IN THERAPY is when T and I are just missing each other. No matter how bad things are, or how awful I feel, if I know that T hears me and gets it, it makes everything a little more okay. If we miss each other, it makes it that much worse. I'm sorry you had one of those sessions.

Sometimes I think that pre-vacation sessions make me anxious, and we're more likely to miss each other. Because I *want* everything to feel just right when he leaves, and I'm so scared that it won't that somehow, it works out all wrong. I remember once saying something about that to T, and he said that he didn't feel like there had to be a perfect session before a vacation, because he would be back, and we would just continue working. In a way that made me feel a little better. Like, everything would be okay, even if we did have a crappy pre-vacation session.

As for quantifying the abuse. I have NO idea.

When I first started therapy, I know what I would have said was the worst, but as we've worked together over the past few years, that has totally changed. The thing I thought was the worst ended up being the thing that was the easiest to get through (even though it sucked and took forever). And we rarely even talk about the thing that actually brought me there in the first place (my abusive mom). The thing that ended up being the worst was the thing that was buried the deepest, which makes sense now. But before we did the work, I thought that thing (the csa) was just "something that happened", almost like a movie on a screen, and just couldn't let myself feel like it was a big deal.

It's ALL a big deal. I just find that to be such a weird question.

Hang in there, zoo. Post here. It feels like crap right now, but it won't feel like this forever. It never does.

[zooropa]

thank you guys for validating my feelings about Ts question about the abuse. I'm sure that's what she said "which would you say was worse?" but maybe it's not. I'm confused and upset and can't quit thinking about it.

[googley]

(((((((((Zoo))))))))

I don't know how I would answer that question. I think that some instances are worse for some reasons, and others for different things.

It makes me really mad when people try to say which thing is worse. Not just when within one person, but between people. GRRRR!!!!!!!

I hate when you can't get something out of your head. I'm so sorry!

[BlackCanary]

I don't think there's an answer, unless you already felt a specific way about it. Maybe that's what she wanted to know, do you have a feeling that one was worse. Still, poorly worded if that's the question.

What really gives me the willies is the "road map" question, what will we cover? that's such an end of the year/start of the year type question. I really HATE having to summarize or plan at this point in the year, and work makes me do it, why should I also have to suffer this in therapy?
It has also always triggered my feeling of "Oh, no, you think I should be done in three months! What if I don't have a good plan, then I'm out of therapy!"

[zooropa]

yes, bc, that bothered me for the same reasons. She asked me what traumas I wanted to talk about. I sat there thinking "my whole life??"

I don't know. Lots of weird feelings after today's session. I know most of it was me, this time. I'm not doing a good job of self care, and it shows.

I left T a message a while ago. I told her what I remembered her saying and asked her if she remembers it the same way. Then I told her that, if that is what she said, it bothers me and I can't quit thinking about it. I said I know she's busy but I hope she'll call me back when she has time.

It's not an emergency, by any means, but still. I didn't get what I needed from T today and I'm more than a little resentful towards her for various reasons. So part of me doesn't care very much if she's stressed out or if she's sick of talking to me. Part of me wants to keep going back to her again and again until she says something that helps me feel better. And part of me wants to make her angry, wants to bother her, wants to inconvenience her. I wonder what that part is, and why it wants that?

I think tomorrow will be better. It kind of has to, doesn't it?

[jexa]

(((((((((zoo)))))))))

Maybe she asked about which was worse to get an idea of whether this would be harder to process for you? I think she was probably in "treatment planning" mode instead of thinking of how you might perceive what she said. I don't think she was asking you to rate which was worse for you. Geez, that would be impossible, all trauma is so bad that rating one as worse would somehow invalidate that the other was really really bad too I think I really don't think T meant it that way.

But I think she was trying to get a sense for, "What direction are zoo and I going in? What kind of support is she going to need during this time? How can I help her process this trauma we are about to start talking about?" I think she was thinking about HER role in this rather than the way you might perceive what she was asking you. She was thinking A-B-C, how do I help zoo. You know?

I think the part of you that wants to inconvenience her is the part that wants her to feel the way YOU do. Maybe it's a way of seeking out validation? Like, "If you feel the way that I feel, maybe you will understand what I am going through."

Sorry it's sooo hard zoo. I know vacations are, ugh, the worst.. I hope today is MUCH better for you.

[zooropa]

Jexa, you are exactly spot on correct. T just called me and that's what she said. She said she isn't sure if she used the words "which one is worse" but that she was just trying to get a sense of which I thought would be more difficult to process. She said sometimes people have a feeling about that, and sometimes they don't.

I still have questions. I don't know how I am going to dive back into trauma processing AND go to school AND have the kids all the time. I guess how I'll do it is just moment by moment.

I told her I don't want her to be mad at me. She said "oh. no, I don't feel that way at all! Do you feel that way?" and I told her how sometimes it is hard for me to know what's real and what isn't. Like, I can make up a lot of stories in my mind about how I think she feels about me, but I don't know if they have any basis in reality. She said she understands that and that I'm doing the right thing by calling her to check in when I have questions like that.

She ended by telling me to call her if I need to or want to, which she forgot to say yesterday and yes, I guess I still needed to hear it. I feel much better now. I've been up since 3am thinking about T and making a list of what I wanted to say to her when she called me back. It's a good thing, too, because she called me at 6:40am, lol!

[googley]

(((((((((Zoo))))))))))

I'm so glad she called you and that the two of you were able to clear that up. I think that is really important. I am surprised that she called so early. I also think that it is wonderful that she says that you can check with her about what she is thinking.

[zooropa]

I'm surprised she called so early, too. She said she was going to a meeting at 7 and then she was going to be busy all day and she didn't want me to be stressing over this. Part of me thinks she just called so early in the hope that I wouldn't answer and she wouldn't have to talk to me.

[WePow]

(((((((Zoo)))))) Your T was glad to talk with you. Your T wants you to be at ease - and that is why she called you.

Zoo, i am so glad your t called you back and clarified things for you. And that she said you can call back if you "need or want" too. i think that is cool how you have that worked out.

[zooropa]

yeah, jb, I used to AGONIZE over whether to call her or when to call her. Why call her NOW, if I didn't need to 5 minutes ago? Why not wait one more minute? And another? And then finally one time I told her how hard it was for me to decide when I should call her, and she said, oh, I'll fix that for you. If you think about calling me, call me.

It took lots and LOTS of times of her saying that for me to believe it, and even now I need her to tell me to call her if I need to or want to, but it's progress.

And boy, do I want to call her right now. REALLY REALLY BAD. But it's late and I will feel worse if I call now then if I just wait it out and call her tomorrow.