[googley]

****.

I don't know how to explain how bad session was today. I asked my T for her opinion on something and she was like, "it isn't my job to have an opinion on that." I had put off talking to her about this and trying to convince myself that I was reading things wrong. But now I can't delude myself any longer. I'm so angry. Of course she has an opinion. Everyone has an opinion on everything (or almost everything). She even agreed with this when I said it, and yet she wouldn't share her opinion. WTF? I'm vacillating between being angry and just not giving a ****.

I hate it when she turns things back on me. She was like "well what do you think about this? It makes me wonder what you think about this." I wasn't there to talk about what I thought. I know my thinking about my own abilities are distorted, that I think negatively about my ability to do just about anything. So yes, I wanted her opinion. I know that I have trouble judging myself accurately.

Not only that, but near the beginning of session I really just felt like I needed to hide. I was scared about talking about all this, plus I had all of these messy unclear feelings I wasn't sure about. I just wanted to hide. I couldn't help it. So I looked away from her. She was like "I'm here too." "We need to bring you back." "Can you come back to the room?" Every time she said something it just made me want to hide more. I just wanted to sit there for a little while. Like I just needed to sit there by myself. And it was like she just kept poking me.

So overall the session just really sucked. I'm not sure what I am feeling. Just all mixed up. And I don't see her until the 30th because of holidays.

[geez]

((((((((( googley ))))))))))) I too am feeling not good after todays appt. Sending many safe hugs your way. I know how painful it can be to have these feelings and wanting to hide. Perhaps we can lean on eachother? Keep posting.

[zooropa]

(((((googley)))))

what is up with all these bad sessions today? Must be the happiest time of the year.

I'm not making light of your feelings, though. I know how hard that must have been for you. I definitely know what it's like to feel like you want to hide from T. I'm sorry you have to wait so long to reconnect with her.

((((((((((googley))))))))))

That sounds hard My T and I finally made a deal where I am allowed to "rest" (leave in my head) for a few minutes before he tries to pull me back into the room. Sometimes we just need a BREAK. It must have felt really overwhelming to keep getting pulled back in before you were ready.

I'm sorry she couldn't/wouldn't/didn't give you what you need. It totally makes sense to me that you might need a "reality check" about your own strengths and abilities. I know I do. It's hard when they're in "T Mode" and turn everything around instead of just giving us what we're asking for. Ack.

I'm glad you posted here. Keep reaching out

[googley]

Originally Posted by zooropa

(((((googley)))))

what is up with all these bad sessions today? Must be the happiest time of the year.

I'm not making light of your feelings, though. I know how hard that must have been for you. I definitely know what it's like to feel like you want to hide from T. I'm sorry you have to wait so long to reconnect with her.

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((((((googley))))))))))

That sounds hard My T and I finally made a deal where I am allowed to "rest" (leave in my head) for a few minutes before he tries to pull me back into the room. Sometimes we just need a BREAK. It must have felt really overwhelming to keep getting pulled back in before you were ready.

I'm sorry she couldn't/wouldn't/didn't give you what you need. It totally makes sense to me that you might need a "reality check" about your own strengths and abilities. I know I do. It's hard when they're in "T Mode" and turn everything around instead of just giving us what we're asking for. Ack.

I'm glad you posted here. Keep reaching out

Thanks all of you. I don't know that I really want to reconnect right now. I just feel all mixed up. I wish I could just throw the feelings away and not have to deal with them. I thought the worst thing that could happen was that she could have a negative opinion. I had somewhat braced myself for that. I hadn't even thought that she wouldn't share her opinion. I told her it seemed impossible for her to not have an opinion because everyone has opinions about (almost) everything. And she nodded her head. So really, she just doesn't want to share her opinion. How am I supposed to know what is really going on and evaluate my own interpretations if I can't check them with someone? I just feel awful.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by zooropa

what is up with all these bad sessions today? Must be the happiest time of the year.

LOL seriously, right? "It's the most wonderful time of the yearrrrr...." NOT!

[sittingatwatersedge]

people WANT it to be the most wonderful time. Maybe that's why it hurts when it isn't. But it can only be so if each one us spreads a little light around us, sooner or later the little pools of light have to link up here and there right? keep trying, Googley, it's worth it.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( googley ))))))))))))))

[deliquesce]

((((((((((((((googles)))))))))))))))))

im sorry about your sucky session, it was painful for me to even read through. especially the needing to hide bit -- i've had a similar experience before (where old-T wanted me to look at him) and he kept asking me to and each time i withdrew further (lol, i ended up with my cardigan over my head, all tented up so i couldnt see him and he couldnt see me).

how are things going with this T otherwise?? im sorry i havent been keeping up with you lately, ive just had really bad insomnia and have kind of zombied out.

[jexa]

Ughhhhhh how annoying googley!! This sounds like a super rough session. What is it that she won't give her opinion about? That is the WORST -- "It's not my job to give my opinion" - ugh!

[WePow]

(((((((((((Googley))))))))))))))) That sounds like she is more bent on the Freudian side than Humanistic. It honestly sounds like it may not be a solid healthy match for you? Just an opinion (of which I DO have many! LOL )

[googley]

Jexa- I asked her about if she thought I would be successful in my area of study.

WePow- I don't know. I felt like she was willing to give me her opinion on everything but this. Even if her opinion was negative, I think it would be easier than this 'no answer'.

I'm going to spend some time writing tomorrow about this and see what all comes out. We'll just have to see.

[Elana05]

Hi Googley,

I can relate to that feeling of being prodded while in a frozen, triggered place. I know it didn't help me at all. When she said, "Can you look up and look at me?" I had to give her a definitive, "No." As in No means No.
Then I had to go back when I was feeling stronger and say that her attempts to pull me out of this place were traumatic for me.

I realize there are methods for handling these times of "disassociation" (I think they are called). It may be helpful to know you have a workable method for getting out of this place.

I'm with WePow. Maybe you can talk to her about which of her methods are not working for you. This is your life we're talking about, not hers. She is there to help you. You need someone who is on your side. You deserve to feel better!

[googley]

Thanks Elana.
The thing is I don't really know what triggered the dissociation that time. Usually I can tell. All of the sudden I just felt something. And I needed to escape. I don't know what it was all about. I'm going to journal some today so maybe that will help me figure out what is going on. Something that made me really mad was one specific thing she said. I take my stuffed animal with me to T to help me feel safe. And she was like: "Your stuffed animal will help you come back." I can see why she thought that would help and where she was coming from by saying that. But at the same time it felt like she was using him against me. Using my stuffed animal who has been through hell with me against me. Just like my mom would. (just realized that part.) Got to go for now. be back later.

[jexa]

googley, maybe your T feels like she can't make a judgment about your career path because the way you are in session is different from the way you are outside of session? I know you have said before that you try to be really raw in session and your T's tend to see the worst and darkest side of you. I think this shows that you are really willing to heal and be vulnerable, but I also think it makes it hard for a T to give their opinion on, say, how good of a job you do at work, how successful you are at putting your own feelings aside for a client's, etc. I bet your T doesn't want to make a judgment on that because you have told her you are different in-session than outside of session. The best judge is you, not your T, googley. I know it is hard not to hear her opinion but I'm just saying this might be the reason why.

[Elana05]

If what jexa says is the case (which seems most probable), I can totally see how this can be translated into sounding like she (your T) doesn't believe in you. I can say I would have translated it in the same way. I would jump to... well she doesn't have faith in me. Do you think it would be helpful to ask her to clarify:
Do you mean you don't want to comment because you don't know what I am like outside of therapy?
Can you see how I am easily translating this into your saying that you don't want to comment, not because it is a part of me you haven't seen, but because you don't have faith in me?
In essence, don't we all want and need the unconditional faith in us that our parents were SUPPOSED to provide? Isn't it natural to look to T for this. I know that I want my T to say, "I believe in you. Yes, I believe you will be successful in your area of study." Not beat around the bush...
Oddly,
Very often my T will say something to me like, "It's not like you're expecting to be CEO of a huge corporation in two years."
I guess she says this to point out that I am being relatively reasonable in my goals. But I have to admit that I even find this little exercise in "keeping my goals in perspective" to be somewhat hurtful. In the back of my mind I'm like, "does she really think she needs to remind me not to think too big?" (When in actuality it would probably do me some good to feel for once like the sky is the limit).

[Sannah]

Googley, I'm trying to remember the other stuff that you said about this topic in your other threads. I don't have time right now but maybe tomorrow I will go through your other threads and see what the issues were for you around this topic.