T shared a differnt outlook

today i was all set to show T my pic but was able to talk some today.someday i hope to be able to know what makes the differance from when i cant.i think T knows and was talking some about it in beginning of our session but then moved to something else.i think we both wanted to take advantage of my talkitive mood.we talked a bit about my son being 19 and then she asked what i was like at 19 .i told her i was a spoiled brat.her responce was "i dont see that as being true at all"i then reminded her she wasnt thare to see how i was.she then asked again how was I.

i told her i was a horrable person, angry ,manipulative,and vilent.i hated everything and every one.she said that still didnt make me a spoiled brat .she said she doesnt see that i knew any other way to be i had no choice.i told her in my years of therapy one thing i have learned is that i have choices.what made me a spoiled brat is the choices i made.now i make differnt choices.when i am angry at someone i make the choice not to pick up the nearest chair and throw it.

her responce was.yes you make differnt choices now but i bet you still feel the same inside.that has never changed thats what we need to talk about.i never looked at it this way.something i know sounds so simple but not something i ever thought about.that i can feel these feelings without the behaviors.anyway dont know whare i am going with this it just kind of blew my mind that she understood how bad things are without behaviors or anythingshe seemed to care also

sounds like it was a great session! good job on talking! that is an interesting outlook. life can be pretty miserable on the inside without it appearing to be so bad on the outside. i think i'm kind of the same way. i can control lots of my behaviors now, but the inside stuff is still the same.

That sounds like a really important session, granite!! I wonder also, why you could talk this time. I think soon you will wonder why you didn't talk in therapy!! I think T is on the right track with her questions and comments.

wow, great session granite.

This is nice when it happens and I'm glad you feel open to more of it. For now, can you trust that this is part of the process? I think this is absolutely a result of your hard work! You made this happen because it is what you want. You are letting her see more of you, of your perceptions of yourself. This is a lot of progress, don't you think? Maybe your mind is feeling relaxed for now, knowing your son is coming home and is safe.

Great session Granite! Glad you were able to talk, and feel cared about.
You seem to be progressing very well. Looking at your past is sometimes scary... and it can open wounds. But it seems like this has been a huge learning curve for you at the same tiem, and you get to look back and see how far you've come

my T touched on some of it in the beginning of the session i think.she started talking about how i am when i get real scared and how i become like a turtle hiding in a shell waiting untill all is ok and talking is part of that.she seemed all kinds of incurraged bye this thought.but then moved on because i seemed to be in a talkitive mood LOL(kind of proud of this)we talked about my son and me at 19,but then talked about my inability to say no to some big thigs.T kind of scared me and bam i'm done but all in all a good sesson minus T scaring me because i think she is angry at me over the no thing

echos i try really hard to do this just sometimes i do get so frustrated with the no talking thing because it does cause problems in other parts of my life like being able to say no to this promotion that is being forced on me at work that i dont want.i do agree it is better at therapy than it was i use to go in and be completely paralized with fear now sometimes i'm not and that is awsome.

i always felt that without my behaviors that i would be nothing.sometimes i still feel that way.

You are learning things about yourself as you go along. Try not be so critical of yourself, especially when you are now looking back at the 19 year old you - it is still you, and you were still young. Don't critisize yourself, but rather learn from it, and see how the 19 year old you, impacted and formed the current you.

It is hard and scary, but I find it very intiguiging learning about myself, and having these Eureka moments where things just fall into place

some days i still feel i am back in those days .especially when i am so out of controle like i was last week.i really dont like that person much.but working on it and yes it is really scary for me

((((((((((((granite))))))))))))))

I remember early in therapy, I told T something I did when I was 14 that I was so ashamed of...I felt like I had to admit it right away, in case it made him decide to not work with me. He listened, and told me that what I did made so much sense in the circumstances I was in. He was so accepting of that 14 year old me that for the very first time, I was able to look at her, and me, a little differently. It was really the very very beginning of seeing the possibility of learning to accept myself.

I'm glad your T is giving you that gift, granite. You deserve love and acceptance and understanding.

I agree with tree. You deserve love and respect and acceptance. My T, using IFS, would tell you to accept and have compassion for ALL of your parts. They acted the way they needed to in the past.

You're doing so great, granite!! You've come so far; I feel good inside that you are making such huge strides in therapy. You have a lot of strengths in that it's been a slow process for you, but you kept plugging along!!!

Granite, so glad that you had a good session! How did T scare you? And what did you tell her "no" about?

i have been having a hard time at work lately .i dont talk much thare eithe just as little as i need i just get freaked out easily.anyway they want me to take over the dept i am working in and i am scared and dont want to but wont tell them no and they finely asked me if i had a problem with doing this and all i could do was shrug my sholders.it is a big problem.and also my farther bought my husband and i a cruise to alaska for christmas with them and i dont want to go but wont tell them no.my T seemed to get angry that i cant say no.and she kept telling me i need to tell these people no and i felt trapped between these people and my T is wasnt fun and uncomfortable and scary so i just clamed up and got totally overwelmed.i dont know why she seemed to get so angry

tree sometimes the small things my T says seem to make a huge differance in how i see things or think of her.i would have never guessed she was so accepting of me and sees things so differntly than i do.thanks for your kind words

Hey Granite, why don't you go with your strengths here... and one of the biggest strengths I see in you in being able to express in writing the things you cannot say in words. Do you think you could muster up the courage to write a letter to the people that want you to take over the department? It doesn't have to say much... something like "I appreciate you considering me for taking over the running of the department, however I have to decline the offer at this time due to personal reasons." You do not have to expand upon the personal reasons at all.

It may cause them inconvenience, especially if they do not have anyone else to take over the job, but as business people it is their job to take care of that. I hope you can find a way to decline the position and extra repsonsibility... if you can't cope with the extra load right now you can't cope with the extra load, and that is that. Take care of yourself.

Years ago I used to be in a similar position to you... my (abusive) parents would ask me to go places or do stuff with them and I was unable to say no, no matter how much I didn't want to do it. My T used to get frustrated with me, too. For her 'no' seemed so easy, but for me it was seeming impossibility. Saying no to my parents wasn't even an option, and my inability to say no extended to everyone who requested something of me.

I don't know what it was like for you, but growing up with abusive parents taught me that going against their wishes in any way at all brought more abuse. The fear in me was so strong, and I did everything I could to not inspire their anger, even well into adulthood.

Over time my T helped me practice saying no in all sorts of little situations. It was definitely a baby steps kind of thing. She helped me learn that *most* people respect 'no', and it is possible to stick up for what one wants or needs without getting abused in return. Eventually I learned to say no to my parents as well, and 10 years later I am totally confident in sticking up for myself in relation to them. Up until 10 years ago I went on several trips with my parents (as an adult) that I absolutely did not want to go on, which turned out to be as unpleasant as I knew they would be, and my T had tried in vain to get me to bow out of. My fear of saying no was too consuming. But now... if my parents asked me (but they've actually given up now, because they know I won't) I would be able to say "No thanks" without blinking an eye lid.

So I guess I just want to say... if you are not yet at a place where you are able to say no, then so be it. But you are thinking about it, you are learrning different things (both here and at T) and all of that is helping you move towards being able to say no in the future. All of *this* is an important part of gathering new information, new ideas and perspectives, and moving towards the eventual goal of taking different action.

thanks for sharing your story LUCE.i'm sorry things were so bad for you.it was a lot like that for me i learned if you just be quiet don move ,dont do anything it goes away.i still kind of go by the same theroy today when i am scared

Granite, sorry you are scared right now, but i am so glad t was able to see you. I think it is one of the best feelings when the t's actually get us and we don't have to do all that explaining.
And congratulations on your son coming home next month... what a great christmas present

sending safe hugs

((granite)) I don't have much to add other than wishing you comfort.

Granite, I just know that you will work through this problem of being able to say no. Do you think that your inner child is responding to these people and that she thinks that she is responding to the mother?

You have never spoken much about your father before.

not a lot to say about my farther my parents divorced when i was young my farther let me with the mother .he never did anything to stop her.took pic of me a few times and took them to a lawyer but never wanted custody of me wanted to drink instead.now he is just a old man with lots of money and very judjemental about me.guess i didnt live up to his expectations.thats why i dont want to go on this trip with him he does nothing but put me down.i get tired of hearing it

Yeah, no one would want to be around that........