Moving on after termination

Hey everyone! I've been looking for some advice on this topic and haven't found much, so I'm hoping others have experienced the same thing and can give me some feedback. Sorry my first post is so long...

I knew my therapist for a couple years, first in the hospital, then outpatient since summer 2009. I saw a few therapists before her but never felt a true connection. With her, I was able to be completely honest and the relationship helped a lot in keeping me out of the hospital. With her help, I was able to stay out of the hospital the entire time I saw her OP and the relationship meant a lot to me. I trusted her with a lot of things and brought up issues with her that I never told any one else. I was able to cry in front of her and I could tell she cared.

I had my last session with her about 4 months ago. She moved away and gave me a good while to process the transition, but I knew how much of a loss it'd be and it was extremely difficult. She was my support and I depended on her for her insight. I always looked forward to our sessions. There were a lot of tears during the weeks leading up to the last hour and I dreaded saying goodbye. I wrote her a long handwritten letter telling her how much she meant to me, and I gave her a mini handmade book of quotes and specific things she's done to help. I think she was sad, too, but she deliberately stayed in her clinical role. It's one thing I hate about the therapist-client relationship - therapists really can't say how they're feeling. In our years working together, we never had any type of physical touch, but I wanted a hug for closure. It took some courage because I was afraid she'd say no, but I asked, and she said it'd be ok.

I think it was the best hug I've ever had in my life. I hate hugs and I don't like touching people. But this one was so sincere. I reminded myself to try to remember everything, smelled her perfume, said another "thank you," and then it was over within a few seconds. I could've stood there forever. I don't think I've felt so much through a hug before. As much as I wanted her to say how she was feeling, but couldn't because of her professional role, she said with the hug. I knew that our relationship meant something to her, too.

I miss her and I know I will never see her again. I'm able to give her updates through e-mail every once in a while, but it's not the same as the intimate one-on-one time. I've been seeing a new therapist since she left, but my new therapist is not her and she can't be replaced. I've been able to open up with my new one, so I've talked some about missing her, feeling abandoned, etc. but I feel bad at the same time. She's nice and I don't want to make her think I don't like her. She's not a bad therapist, she's actually really good, but it's a different connection. I'm pretty sure they were/are friends outside of the office so she probably misses her too.

Although it's great that I can keep her updated on my life, the responses I get back from her are a bit disappointing. They're short and pretty professional and leave me wanting more. I know the messages must stay professional, especially since we're not working together anymore, but it's very frustrating letting her know how I feel and not knowing about her. I’m very well aware that boundaries are in place for a reason. They’re there to protect the patient and so the relationship stays therapeutic. But what happens when there is a real human connection and it’s just cut off? Isn’t that more harmful? It only reinforces my lifelong belief that nobody cares about me. It shows me that even though I liked her and felt comfortable telling her anything, guess what? I will never know how she feels. I feel like the stupid one for feeling vulnerable and trusting her. I've considered just asking her (how she feels/felt) but she probably wouldn't let me know. I'm the type who hints at questions and waits for the other person to answer, while I know she waits to be asked specifically.

I'm so desperate to hear her tell me, "Yes, I care about you and I didn't want to hurt you. I miss you too." Why is it so terrible to say it back? I know we're not friends, but she isn't a robot either. We're supposed to view our therapists as human, yet they can't fully be human. It's not fair for either side. It's been months and I still miss her. I worry that she's forgotten about me already. Sometimes I think I'm doing well but then something pops up and I wish she never left. It's especially hard feeling sad because I constantly tell myself that she was "only" my therapist, and that I shouldn't be so emotional. Recently, I've had a lot of dreams about her and other treatment professionals, so she's been on my mind a lot. It's unusual for me to miss anyone and I'm not sure how to deal.

How is it possible to move on from the relationship? It's unlike any other relationship and so advice about other types of break-ups doesn't help. I keep hearing from the rest of my treatment team that what I'm feeling is normal, but it's such a foreign thing to me, it doesn't feel normal at all.

So sorry you have to go through that...I honestly can't imagine losing my therapist right now. I'm glad you get to stay in contact, at least you know she is out there somewhere and not gone forever.

It is the hardest relationship because for the most part is is one-sided. We, as the clients, get all the feelings for them and form an emotional attachement...and they can't return the feelings like we want.

I don't really have any suggestions for moving on from your old therapist...I've never been cut off from one. I did have one for about 6 years and I just needed to move on. When I started seeing my new one, I was constantly comparing them and analyzing every word. But, I just had to remember that it was a different person with a different style and they could help me in a different way. Keep talking to they new therapist about how you feel, how much you miss your old one, and how hard it is for you to move on...I'm sure eventually it will get easier.

Just my two cents...hope it gets better soon

I don't have any advice but i can oofer you this (((HUGS)))
This sounds very difficult. However please consider yourself lucky in the sense that you were able to have such a great thereapist. There are tons of terrible thereapists out there, I think it is really great that you still have email contact with her. Continue on building the relationship with your current therapist. I hope things go well for you.

From a non-T relationship that I had, and was cut off, I too found it very hard to take, and still do. But I figure maybe the other person had some vulnerabilities that they could not manage in a relationship with me. In other words, maybe it wasn't just me.

Can you talk to your new therapist about this? Especially if she knew the old one, you might be able to get some closure...

Allow yourself the right to grieve this deep loss.
It is a loss.
You have a right to feel sad, hurt, upset, angry, or anything else that is there.

The only way through a loss it by allowing the grief to exist.
Allow it to be full-bodied. Allow it to cause your heart to break.

After you feel what there is to feel around this heavy loss, you will be able to move forward. You will not ever stop feeling love for your previouos T, so don't expect yourself to do that. But you can start to move forward with enjoying each day for what it brings to you.

There will be times when missing her will hit you full force - even years from now.
Allow that to be what it is as well. Honor it.
But the times of heavy grief will become less and less as you move through the hours and the days.

carsan, I have to admit your post made me tear up a little bit, because I've been through this and a lot of what you said felt like it could be me.

What WePow said....it is a loss, and you truly are grieving, weird as it seems. It feels so strange, doesn't it? This person is still alive and well on this planet, but you cannot have any contact with them because of the rules of the unique therapeutic relationship. Coldly, clinically professional and yet brutally intimate and warm at the same time. It just isn't fair, is it? It's heartbreaking, a deep wound. It almost seems cruel, but the protection of the client is paramount. I keep telling myself that.

In 1999, I had a bit of a meltdown towards the end of high school and had to start seeing a psychologist. My diagnosis was social phobia. I was so shy and afraid of everyone and everything, I was so vulnerable. Not helping matters was the fact that I was graduating and was terrified of this life change. Our talks got serious pretty quickly. I thought about killing myself that summer (a few months into our work together), but that therapist helped me get through it and to stop the thoughts. I was able to go to college (community college) that fall. Well, right after Thanksgiving she dropped a bombshell and said she resigned from the agency, and was leaving in 3 weeks. I was so angry with her, but I didn't say anything. I was crying all the time in between our sessions and did not tell her, nor did I ever cry in front of her. I felt ashamed of myself for getting this emotional over her, I was very confused by my feelings, because it felt like a break-up even though I was not attracted to her. I was never able to tell her how I was truly feeling. At the end of our last session, she asked me if she could hug me. It was just like how you described your "goodbye" hug. (I hate hugging, as well). It was one of the best ones ever and I still find myself replaying it over in my mind once in a while. To be honest, it took me a good 7 or 8 years to get over this. In hindsight, I should have talked with current T about this, but I was ashamed to because I didn't want her to think I was "obsessed" with old T.

Fast forward to new T and it's time for me to move away for work reasons. I had been seeing her for about 5 and a half years at that point. The same horrible, wrenching feelings came up again. Before I knew it, it was our last visit before I moved away. I almost couldn't drive over to her office. This one had been with me for me through so much crap. My father had gotten sick and died, I had adjustment issues at my new college where I was trying to finish my bachelor's degree, difficulties with friends and my mom/sister, fears of intimacy, etc. etc. etc. She offered to do phone sessions with me after I moved away, but at that point I didn't want to because I was uncomfortable with that prospect. At the end, I just went for it and hugged her. She returned it, but I still feel bad for not asking first. I just couldn't help it, I was so emotional and like you I wanted closure. I thought I wasn't going to ever see her again and it was tearing me apart. Well, I did end up contacting her a few months later after I moved away, and 4 years later I am still her patient in treatment with her at the time of this post. We do phone sessions and I see her in person when I am home visiting. I have brought up my feelings about that last [but not really] visit and how I felt ashamed of hugging her, I said "I just got emotional". She told me she understood why I did it, and I don't think she was bothered by it. I know the day will come when it's time to end therapy for good—really for good this time—and I try not to think about that, I just try to appreciate and take in the relationship for what it is right now (as weird as that sounds).

One thing that helps me with this attachment stuff: I have a high school friend who is in training to be a clinical psychologist right now. This friend told me that in her graduate studies, they are required to go through therapy themselves...not just career counseling or mentoring, but real psychotherapy. Well, she told me at some point in her therapy, the therapist left and she was genuinely pissed off at her! She said it really hit home for her what it felt like to be on the client's end of things. I can tell from knowing her since we were kids that figuring out people, the science and reasons behind their behavior, and connecting with them is truly her passion in life. She really wants to help. So, what I am trying to say is that you have to try to believe that your current therapist really DOES care about you and thinks about you, they want you to get better and regain enjoyment of your life and all it has to offer. It's just that they can't reveal that to you because of the ethics of their profession. It's for our own good. They have to protect us because of the emotional instability that vulnerability causes. Reprocity from the therapist would ruin the purity of the whole thing, it would compromise everything you're working to achieve.

I hope this is of some comfort to you. Work on building your relationship with your new therapist. Your grief over old T will eventually soften with time. You'll never forget that person though, and that's perfectly OK.

Sweetlove: Yeah, I can definitely relate to comparing the new one to the old one. It's especially tough since my new T trained under my old T a few years ago (when I was in the hospital), so in my head they'll always be connected. They're both young, similar personalities, similar therapy style. The difference is that I guess I admired my old T, where I don't have that with the new one.

PTSDlovemycats: That's true, there are some horrible therapists out there, and I was lucky to have her to help me for a while. I just hope the people who see her now appreciate it - cause I'd gladly take their spot!
pachyderm: Are you saying that the other person didn't express themselves because they didn't want to be vulnerable? I've wondered if she was upset to be leaving too, since she was more quiet during our last session, maybe as a defense. I'd still like to know. Maybe I should just ask her.

lastyearisblank: I've talked about it with her during a few sessions, not for a while though. I only mentioned something about it last week and started crying so I guess I still need to talk. And I know therapy is all about the patient, but I don't want to make her feel bad. I don't want to imply that I don't like her.

WePow: Experiencing the loss and feeling the grief is something I've always avoided so it sometimes feels like it will last forever if I let it happen.

with_or_without_you: Thanks so much for sharing your story. (We're around the same age, too.) They're very similar to mine, and I also had a previous therapist who left but I never told her how I felt. This time is much harder though. I have a friend in training to be a clinical psych as well! I actually met up with her two weeks ago and she assured me that they really do care. It's comforting to know that someone else has gone through the same thing, that I'm not just being too emotional. I think part of it has to do with the fact that therapy and everything related to mental health is still a bit taboo. Before therapy, I always assumed that people didn't really like their therapists.

All I was saying is that sometimes when other people do not treat us as we wish they would, it can be because they cannot handle us, not because we are bad.

And yes, asking is good (if you can handle the response).

I am in the middle of the exact situation. My T has to retire early. We are presently seeing each other x2 a week. I am adding my next T to be 1 time a week. My T told me I could write to her but she would not respond for 2 years . This is done so my relationship with my new T won't be impared. I also asked her for a stuffed animal that I am incorperating in an "Art Coat".
But I do feel devestated. I have just gotten half of my history out and now have to begin all over again. Big problem is; apparently I am very sick, and progress is incremental

I'm sorry you're going through that now. It's extremely difficult. However, I did notice some relief after saying goodbye because I dreaded the last session. So even though I was still upset, I didn't have to worry about "the end" any more.

How much time have you been given for the transition? It's a good idea that you've asked for something from her. I wish I asked for something. I only have a short handwritten note and saved voicemails to remember her.

I know exactly how you feel about having to retell your history all over again. There's no other word for it, it sucks. I've had to constantly remind myself that my new T doesn't know the same things my old T did. Will your new T and old T be communicating with each other? When I switched, I signed release forms giving permission for them to talk about my case if needed. It's been helpful, I think.

You're quite welcome. And don't be surprised if you find yourself getting attached to your new T soon...(for me, I really started to feel "connected" to her after 18 months or so.) PM me anytime if you want to talk. I also once assumed there was no one else out there who was devastated after terminating with a therapist.

(((Carsan)))
I hope you can find a T that you can feel as close to as your last one. I may be in a similar position as you soon, and I would not know how to grieve or mourn the loss. It scares me to think about it.
I think I would keep myself occupied with other things. Find something to cement my belief of: There is someone who cares about you; you are not alone.

Yeah, me too...I kind of assumed it was like TV where the patients are resistant or hostile to their therapists.

More ((((HUGS))) for you!

Thanks again for the feedback! I had art therapy AND regular therapy and I talked about missing her with both T's. I ended up crying during both sessions but it made me feel better. Now I have homework to write about the relationship. More crying ahead, I think.

your story touched me. I am forced to say goodbye to my therapist of ten years, because she is retiring early and moving away. I am very attached to her, I love her so much, and I'm devastated . I am trying to stay strong and positive, mainly because I know getting depressed isn't going to help, and also because she thinks I have grown enough to be able to handle it, and I don't want to disappoint her. But it is so hard. Our termination is in two months, I can't bare to think about our last session.