Unrealistic Expectations

My therapist says that I have unrealistic expectations for myself and that I put those unrealistic expectations on others as well. She says that I am 'putting my words or actions' onto another person. I assume what they will say or how they will react based on how I feel or how I think.

This is normally a negative or distorted view on my part. "They don't like me, they won't help me, they think I am strange, so they will react to me like I am an idiot with no common sense!"

I think she is right, but I don't know how to stop doing it! Is this just a habit, or does this come from past experiences that I am not consciously aware of? Is this just a part of being bipolar?

I need to get my thoughts together on this for Monday. That is when I see her again and we are going to discuss this. I am stumped on this and don't know why I am doing it, or how to stop it. It's not like I am aware of it at the time, but she calls me out on it when she sees me do it in therapy. Evidently, I am doing this a lot more than I thought.

Squiggle, I don't think that it has to do wth being Bipolar. I think it is more about a negative self esteem than anything. Why do you need to get this figured out by Monday? I am sure that your T will be able or willing to help you with this,

I don't guess I necessarily have to have it all figured out. This is something she wants me to 'explore' and talk about on Monday. I just want to have some kind of clue why I am doing this, so that I can contribute something of substance in our session.

What if, instead of focusing on why it happens, you focus on how it's affecting your life and relationships with other people? I think of this only because I so often get distracted by the "why" and avoid focusing on the "how," as in how I am impacted by whatever I feel/do/fear. I wonder too if it might help to look at what the result of this behavior is...that might take you to the "why" more than anything else.

I do the very same thing, and my reason why may be different from yours...just talking about it with your T, without having much understanding of it, may help bring you to some clarity. As you say, you don't have to have it all figured out--that's what T is there for!

Perhaps when one is young and the enviroment around them is unpredictable, one developes an over active expecation stand, that way one can have some sense of control over an uncontrollable outside enviroment, if we fit all the players of our early "dramas" into expected roles, we keep ourselves "safe", accept when one steps outside the family "drama" other people dont have the same script and we have only learnt a limited "emotional language" and when we hear somethign outside of that we have to quickly go through our old scrip and try and make it fit?? I know my upbringing was very authoritarian and unpredictable and I didn't learn much about situations outside of that authoritian one, and anything outside the limit things I picked up along the way felt wrong, felt attacking, becuase really it was the internalised family dynamics that were attacking me, it wasn't coming from outside but my attempts to try and remain in control and control what others said or didn't say was keeping me going round and round.

One needs to learn to have space to thinks, to question old thinking, old scripts, and yes sometimes in life there are people that don't like us, and when we learn we dont have to change that, that what other people think of us doesn't destroy us, unlike when we were children and had no adult defences, then we no longer have to worry about what others are thinking, our need for having expectations as a form of control lessens, its a gradual process, exploring this in therapy with no pressure will lessen it. Perhaps the expectations weren't unrealistic when formed, but now as an adult they are???

My therapist notices that I project my negative self image onto others. She feels that this has a lot to do with me not feeling worthy or good enough for others to love me, like me, or want to help me. I expect people to react in a negative way, so therefore I don't ask or accept help from people. I expect them not to follow through on what they tell me, because this is what has happened for years.

In my case, because my husband is disabled, people are quick to say, "What can I do to help you guys?" Yet, when I finally give in and allow them into our world, they may come around a few times, but then it fizzles out really quick.

I try to follow through on what I tell others I will do, and I expect for others to do the same with me. If I cannot follow through, I will notify that person so that they are not counting on me for something. In return, I expect others to notify me as well. I don't like to be left in dark thinking something is being done, only to find out that the ball got dropped and I was never told. If I were told, I could have taken that on myself to make sure it was done.

To protect myself from being hurt, I automatically go to thoughts of, "It was nice of them to offer, but I know they don't really mean that."

While my therapist does realize I am in a difficult situation and trusting people is not easy when you have a quadriplegic husband, she wants me to reprogram my thinking into, "Everyone will not let you down. There are good people out there who will follow through on their word and they will be there to help you. Don't shut everyone out because of some who disappointed you."

As to the unrealistic expectations of myself, she feels that I am being too hard on myself. I expect myself to be able to work full time and also be a full time caregiver. I expect myself to be able to handle everything without asking for help. I expect people to take interest when they learn of my situation. I expect their reaction to be, "How can I help you?" BUT, I also expect for them to not really mean what they say. I expect their curiosty to fade and forget about all the support they offered in the beginning.

Are my expectations unrealistic, or are they my way of protecting myself from disappointment, hurt, and often times being put in an uncomfortable situation when I have to go back and ask someone, "Were you able to do this or that?" (Things they told me they would be doing for me/us).

This is definitely a learned response to things that have happened in my life. It probably goes further back than my current situation. Trying to relearn how to think is not easy. That would mean I would have to trust others and let them into my life. Is the trade off worth it? That is what I am questioning sometimes.

hi Squiggle, yes and probably yes and for the last question, I am not bipolar but I have tendencies to do the same; T said it can change but it takes time and vigilance to change it. So take courage; the fact that you know you do this is worth a lot and you can work on it. hang in there

The classic explanation for projection is that we are uncomfortable with our thoughts and feelings so this is why we unload them onto others.

I think that with the helping you out stuff, though, you are just expecting what you have experienced in the past. We all do this.

This may be taking this thread off topic. But it is something that I struggle with. Trying to allow others into my life and not putting unrealistic expectations on them. Not putting my negative mindset onto something that may turn out to benefit us greatly if I can allow myself to let it happen. Trusting that people will follow through on their word.

We have the opportunity to take "Our Story" to the media. We have an interview scheduled with one of the local TV stations. Not sure I am up for bringing that much attention to myself. With the support of family, friends, and my therapist cheering me on to do this, I am going to give it my best shot.

There are organizations out there that can help us get things we need. Like a vehicle to transport my husband, a remodel of our bathroom, and other miscellanous things that would make our life so much easier.

Asking for help is not easy for me. I fear that I will get my hopes up, only to see them smashed. I am going to take a risk and allow others to come into our world. This is HUGE for me.

Part of the reason I consented to doing this interview is because I want to bring awareness to our community about people who are in my situation. So many of us do not come forward and ask for help. We hide in our homes and struggle alone. We don't want to be a burden to anyone.

I think this could somewhat parallel to many of us in therapy. We don't want to burden anyone. We feel that we should be able to handle things on our own. We are not comfortable reaching out for help. We don't trust that people (our therapist) will really be there for us in our greatest time of need. This hinders us from getting the help that we need. It hinders us from growing and changing negative thought patterns that we have engrained in our minds.

(((Squiggle))) I still battle with this same issue of having unrealistic expectations of myself and discussed it with my T (She was the one that really noticed it).
She said a few pertinent things to me:
No-one is perfect - that's what makes us human and gives us character.
Can you take the things that you see as negative in yourself and find anything positive in them? You usually can - it's all about making your 'weaknesses' into strengths. It's merely a mindset change.

If you have been let down by so many people who have offered to help, how can your t say that your expectations of others are unrealistic? That seems judgmental to me. You are telling her about your experiences with others in the past, and it seems to be a pattern of people offering to help and then backing away, letting you down. So of course you would have lower expectations of people now. To me that is realistic, not unrealistic.

I agree that my expectations seem realistic. My therapist feels that because I have negative expectations from everyone, I am not being realistic about it. I tend to jump to the negative whenever I am uncomfortable about a comment someone makes, or maybe the way they are acting. I tend to think, "Why are they acting like that? I must have done something." When in reality, their actions have absolutely nothing to do with me at all.

We are trying to reprogram my thinking into not trying to take ownership for everyone's mood around me. I need to realize that THEY own that comment or action. I did nothing to cause it. Does this make sense? It is hard to explain.

I have pessimistic expectations of most people, even my therapist. I think I do it so that I will be pleasantly surprised.

Interesting, I like it...

If when you were a child unrealistic expections were a part of your growing up, it would make sense you are still responding to those old tapes. I think it takes a lot of work and mindfulness, and practice to overcome those/that, but it can be done and it sounds as if your t can help you.

I think that your T definitely has the right idea with this Squiggle! Best of luck to you with this! I know it is NOT easy!

I understand this. It's like a self-protective mechanism......I find myself doing the same. I allow myself room for hope, but I find myself operating more on the principle of expecting to be disappointed if I allow my expectations to be too hopeful!
I sort of expect to be hurt or to have trust broken (and realistically, this sort of thing does happen, people aren't perfect and even friends will sometimes hurt you without having meant to....) even by the people I'm closest to. It has kept me from really just being at ease in my relationships, because even with my husband or my best friends, I'm still on guard for where the hurt is going to come from. Or I ask little because I expect little.....

I tend to be very cautious as well, having a history of abusiveness. I try not to be too hard on myself. I'm that way for a reason, and am hoping that I will one day learn to trust appropriately. I say "appropriately" because trusting too easily is not ideal either. And most of all, I hope that for those that I do trust - that I can handle the hurts and ruptures that occur along the way in a healthy manner - and to not fall to pieces so easily.

Yep. I think I do it can't stand rejection, it's really a sore spot.

It works sometimes, but it can get you down if you "program" yourself too well, you know what I mean?

yes.....I think you have to 'program' a little room for hope and balance of expectations into it, too....