[MASIMO]

My T and I had a bargain, that if I felt I was going to cut, I would call him anytime day or night. I finally agreed to do it. It has been 5 weeks since I last SI. I could feel it coming on like a freight train, and just knew
It was probably going to happen. It's like a power takes over me and I cant slow it down. I called him. He was on his way into Home
Depot. Now, he could have not gone in, or if he was already there, not continued to shop while he tried to talk me down. I lost him on his cell twice. An that opportunistic urge took me while I sat there alone for only 1 minute waiting for him to call me back. I cut, told him sorry when he called back but it was too late. We talked for a little while afterwards,
me sitting there dripping with blood. I think I was pretty much hysterical
but I cant remember it all, I disassociate. After he asked if I was going to
stop and replied yes, we ended the conversation.

I was reluctant to committ to this arrangement as I was afraid something like this would happen. I would call at a bad time. He would be unable to stop me. We would both feel bad about it.

What I needed was someone to keep a continuous connection with me while I was going through this and try to get into my head. I felt like the lifeline was not there, he was checking out at the cash register and guess he thought he had time. But, I warmed him before how quick it happens.
Shouldn't he have not gone in the store, or put the wood back or left it for a while until he had dealt with my crisis, and not take the chance that we would be disconnected, even for only a second? I don't want to be upset with him, but I feel he should have done more. He called me the day after, and said he was going to call me today but I haven't heard from him yet. I have my regular session tomorrow.

Should I be upset with how he handled this, or be thankful he took my call and tried to help? I'm too upset with myself, so maybe I'm directing some of this anger towards him?

[PTSDlovemycats]

Oh I am so sorry this happened to you MASIMO. I can understand why you feel hurt by this. I think if he knew that there was a chance that you would get disconnected that he may have moved so he could take the call elsewhere or have it go to voicemail but only he would know the answer to that. You can be thankful that he did keep his word and was there for you as he said he would be, The disconnection was unfortuanate and definitely not planned, Please don't be too hard on yourself. Be proud of the fact that you were able to go as long as you did without SIing. 5 weeks is something to be proud of. Try to make it a goal to go another 5 weeks. I think it is great that your T has made himself available to take your call regardless of the time. Perhaps try calling a crisis line if you are not able to get in touch with him or if for some reason you end up getting disconnected again-which I hope doesn't happen, They are available 24/7 for you. Take Care and remember be kind to yourself.

That's a pretty big responsibility for him to take on, but if he suggested it then I'd be pretty upset too.

Is he helping you learn healthy coping skills to take the place of the SI?

[Sweetlove]

I think that if he made the deal with you to call if you felt that you were going to cut, he should have been as available as possible at the time whether it be going outside or finding a signal inside the store. He may have tried to do this but wanted to get the shopping done so he could devote his undivided attention to you. However, he did answer the phone and called you back...I'm sure he had good intentions. You are not going to know for sure until you see him and talk about it.

Don't be upset with yourself, you reached out. If there is a next time, he will know that he doesn't have time to finish anything or call you back...you can both learn from this.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

My T and I had a bargain, that if I felt I was going to cut, I would call him anytime day or night..............
.....................
Should I be upset with how he handled this, or be thankful he took my call and tried to help? I'm too upset with myself, so maybe I'm directing some of this anger towards him?

First off, I am sorry you si'd after 5 weeks, that must be really hard for you.

I do have to point something out. The premise of this whole "anytime day or night" thing is totally unrealistic. What if he's in the crapper, being intimate with wife, listening his child tell a story, talking with another client on the phone, in his office with another client, really tired and in bad need of sleep....etc. Can you see how there is no way the "anytime" can work? I am sure you can call anytime, but he isn't always going to be there, it's impossible.

So I guess I am thinking why would you be upset with him, he did try, even amidst a shopping trip at home depot. Most T's would call back when they were done.

I know si well, and you really have to build up tolerance so that you have the time to talk to someone. Somehow, someway put it off, and keep putting it off until you get the contact. The other thing is you have got to make that call earlier. Before its inevitable. When you first think it. That gives you time to put it off and your T time to get to a place he can talk you down.

[WePow]

First, it is a rough time for you. Don't be hard on yourself for this. It happened and you can't undo it.

Second, T may have promised what he wanted to provide, but he may have overextended himself due to the limitations of reality. He had wonderful intentions with all of this, but then something goes wrong. I am sure he was not happy about his part in this.

Finally, I need to say something - something spoken as a fellow SI'er who is fighting for freedom from that cycle. I am going to be totally honest and appologize if it comes across strangely but it is a very big part of overcoming SI so I need to share it with you. It is something I had to learn the hard way after doing SI when my T was not as "there" for me as he promised he would be. So I say this to myself first and you can listen in if you want: "It is NEVER - EVER the fault of someone else when we engage is SI behavior. "

Our interactions with others can push us over the edge, but the power is in OUR hands - always. That is a fact.

It will be good for you to go over all of these things with your T.
Start over again from right now - from this day.
Claim your power back again. You CAN do it :-)

"It is NEVER - EVER the fault of someone else when we engage is SI behavior. "

Our interactions with others can push us over the edge, but the power is in OUR hands - always. That is a fact.

Powerful words and so true.

i think it is great your t even is willing to discuss it with you. it literally makes my t sick. he even turns green (no kidding) and he brings it up and usually changes the subject within a minute or two.

so i say kudos to your t for even handling it so well.... and i have to agree with we pow. "it is never ever the fault of someone else when we engage in si behavior.... (IMHO lol and we's)

sending safe hugs

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

Powerful words and so true.

In complete agreement!

[MASIMO]

Had another bad night last night. Had another panic attack. Called T.
I was pretty much hysterical, crying, threatening to cut. T got upset
and said I seem to think he is responsible if I cut, as I sent him an email
about him not calling me like he said he would. He said, "I dont like this at all" and was angry. He said something 30 years in practice he hasn't seen anyone like me...not sure exactly what he said. And that he felt in over his head with me.

I'm very nervous about seeing him today. I'm afraid he is going to discharge me and leave me.

He keeps saying I have control, but in the thros of a panic attack/PTSD
you dont feel in control. This behavior of mine is out of character for me
and I'm very afraid I'm losing it. It could be due to me going off medication for migraines, Topomax. I dont know, I'm just so worried he is going to try to get rid of me. He put himself in the position to be there when I called, now he is freaked out about me.

I agree with you t. You do seem to holding him responsible for your self harming. You have to take full responsibility for your own actions and safety. You make the choices. It is completely in your control.

I think it was VERY wrong of him to say you could call him day or night if you felt like SIing. That puts both of you in a bad situation.

Maybe you could work out something different like using a hotline?

[MASIMO]

I brought all these concerns up before I agreed. He said he would take my calls so he has in trying so hard to help me brought some of this upon himself. I dont hold him responsible for my SI, and I hope I can make him believe me.

I have researched Topomax withdrawal and just found 200 accounts of people having panic attacks, anxiety, crying, anger, suicidal so I think that's definately what's going on with me. My Dr. took me off of it too fast. I think I'm going to call my P-Doc to talk with him about it.
I dont know how long this is going to last, been off of the medication for only 5 days, but some people have withdrawal symptoms for weeks.
Nasty drug. Now it's screwing up my relationship with my T because of my migraines.

[WePow]

((((Masimo)))) chemicals can mess us us! That is a fact - they do things to our chemistry. Be gentle with yourself. And keep being honest with your T ... including what you found out about the Topomax!