[darkrunner]

In the past I've felt like my T self-discloses too much, which at times makes me uncomfortable. I've simply accepted it because I could NEVER EVER talk to her about it.....it would feel too much like I was rejecting her and I don't want to do that.

Last night I told her how depressed I was this week. She said that she went through depression in the past. Her father (who, as she previously told me, ultimately completed suicide) came to her house and said 'Get out of the god da*n bed' and forced her to get out of the house. While she was telling me this, she started CRYING!!
She said, 'I'm going to get goofy...give me a minute'

I didn't know what to do. I looked away. I wanted to ask her why she was crying - was it because of her dad? Or thinking about her experience with depression? Something else?

I wanted to comfort her. But it occurred to me that it was starting to feel like her therapy, and not mine, so i didn't say anything.

I know I can talk to her about anything. I know I could talk to her about this and she would be cool with it. I just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe part of me likes it and doesn't want her to stop doing it?

[Can't Stop Crying]

I'm not sure what to say other than therapy is supposed to be for you and not the T. I had my boundaries violated by a T and it began with extensive self-disclosure so I probably am more cautious than most. But I think I would be uncomfortable in that situation...wish I had some wisdom I could share

[lastyearisblank]

Yikes indeed! Haha.... Do you like it? If not you can talk to her about it... if so, maybe bring her a box of tissues next time?

[darkrunner]

CantStopCrying - I'm sorry that happened to you.
I have had my boundaries violated in the past as well (which is actually why I am in therapy now). Maybe I am naive to think that it could happen again. Your point is well-take though, and something I will def. stay aware of.

Lastyearisblank - she has a box of tissues in her office. I don't think she needed one though.......I can't remember. I know she got up and moved to the table where the tissue box was sitting, but all I can remember is that she took a cup that was on the table and poured water into the plant right beside it. Anyway, she wasn't sobbing...she had tears and needed a moment to stop and compose herself and stop the tears from coming. It did mess up her make up a little bit too.
I have mixed feelings about it. Maybe the part that likes it sees it as a way to even out the relationship, makes me feel like we are more 'equals' rather than 'T/client' - is that bad?

[WePow]

Darkrunner, this may be something to bring up in a different way. Can you use the old "I have a friend who had a T and 'he' told the friend too much stuff." ?

[cautious hope]

I'm sorry to say it, but I have had T's that violated that boundry too. My personal opinion is that she is in a crisis herself, that is too serious to be much help to you. If it were me; I would find another T and ask new T to address the issue with present T

That's a pretty extreme self disclosure. We're supposed to use self disclosure minimally, if at all, and ONLY to help the CLIENT. For her to disclose something and then get teary, it just feels out of line. From a reader's perspective, it sounds like she became the client/you became the support in that situation. And it's never supposed to be about the T.

This is a difficult subject, which is why it's frowned upon. Now you as the client have to bring up a delicate situation about T having blurry boundaries. And that should never have to fall on the client.

I can appreciate she wanted an emotional connection with you, possibly, and maybe just took it one step too far. But, that's what it was, a step too far. I'm sorry that this happened. Sending you strength and warmth!!

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by WePow

Can you use the old "I have a friend who had a T and 'he' told the friend too much stuff." ?

Isn't this a dead giveaway?

[mixedup_emotions]

This is such a conflicting topic for me.

Enjoying the self-disclosure brings up the idea for me that I would enjoy T's attempt at bring a sense of 'being human too' into the relationship...and that T would trust me with the self-disclosure, that T felt comfortable enough with me, etc.

However, if I were to bring up that I was depressed, T's focus should be on ME and not bring it back to T. THAT would irk me, big-time. It reminds me of some of my friends...when I reach out for support, and they turn it around and make it about themselves. And then, there I am not getting my needs met and having to support them.

I hope you find the strength to address it. I know it's difficult, but it may lead to something useful in your therapy.

[darkrunner]

Thanks WePow - that's a good idea and I like the indirect approach. Unfortunately, my T knows how little support I have in the way of friends and just last night I was telling her how lonely I was because I haven't been able to get together with the only 2 friends I do have - my H travels all the time and I am busy with my kids and my job. No time for me.

Cautious - I don't think she is in crisis. Her depression was 20 years ago, and the death of her dad was a long time ago as well. One time I asked her if it was hard for her to talk to clients (like me) about the topic of suicide because of what she went through with her dad. She said it was hard at first but it isn't anymore. She isn't in therapy now, but she did see a T to help her through that time. But again, that was a long time ago.

Thanks for your perspective, Stormy. You're right, it DID feel like I became the support. Actually, I didn't offer support because it felt too awkward, but I wanted to and I feel guilty for not supporting her. I'm still not sure why she cried. She's talked about her dad many times without crying. Before last night I never knew she struggled so badly with major depression, but I don't see why that would bring her to tears 20 years later. I don't know.

I guess if I can't talk to her about it there is not much else to be done, but I really appreciate all the comments and if anyone has anything else to add I would really like to hear it.

Try not to feel bad about not supporting her. That is not your job at all. Maybe it was an anniversary of her dad's death or birthday or something?

That would be hard to deal with and hard to bring up.

[darkrunner]

MUE - we were posting at the same time.
Thanks for understanding.

That is a good point about her making it about herself. We have actually talked about the fact that she has a very strong personality, while I do not. At times she has tended to 'take over' the sessions, which I will usually allow so as not to seem rude or selfish. It was really good that we both became consciously aware of this, because we decided we could use it for my benefit. Both my mother and my husband have strong personalities, and although I am not a weakling, I tend to 'wilt' when I am around them. So it could be helpful for me to practice being strong in a safe place. (although I guess I'm not entirely sure that it is a safe place....)

Maybe this could be an opportunity for growth...if I can manage to rise to the occasion and right now it seems impossible.

Roseleigh - I didn't think about that. You could be righ about the anniversary - that could very well have triggered her to be more emotional about it than before. I wish I had asked her about it. Maybe that is an angle I could use to bring it up next week.

[Suratji]

It's so sad that one can go to a T in order to resolve our own issues and then a new issue emerges that involves the T and can derail us on our own healing as we have to cope with a new complicated situation. So you have to take time and energy to deal with that. I feel for you

[WikidPissah]

Ugh darkrunner, that is a difficult one. Does she do that often? how much disclosure does she do?
My T has disclosed that he's married and has a son with ADD. That was about it until his dad died. Then he told me that. That led to a long teary discussion about burying your father (on both our parts). That actually created a bond for me...it was good, I had never bonded with a T before. But, he didn't make it about his loss, he shared his loss but we talked a lot about my dad dying 10 yrs ago and the process...you know decisions, burial, surviving parent...etc.

So I guess I think a teary eyed T with a little self disclosure is a good thing, it sure helped me sort thru a 10 yr old issue. But I don't think it's good if your not feeling it and your watching your T with a WTF feeling.

[with or without you]

Ooh, sorry to hear that dark. I would feel really uncomfortable too. I care a lot about my T, a few years ago she told me her mother had died and my heart went out to her. But it she wasn't over the line or anything, I know she can take care of herself. I hope you are able to bring this up with your T even though this really isn't your job. You should gently point out to her, however, that you are paying for her to take care of you, not the other way around. Good luck

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by darkrunner

At times she has tended to 'take over' the sessions, which I will usually allow

so as not to seem rude or selfish.

But taking back what is yours isn't rude or selfish. The other person taking it in the first place is rude and selfish. Getting it back is standing up for yourself. Actually, once I learned this it felt really good to do. I felt like I got justice for all the times in the past that selfish people took what was mine.

Originally Posted by darkrunner

You could be righ about the anniversary - that could very well have triggered her to be more emotional about it than before. I wish I had asked her about it.

Maybe that is an angle I could use to bring it up next week.

But wouldn't this make it her session and not yours?

[BlackCanary]

DarkRunner, maybe just state it simply:

Last week, when you cried, I felt uncomfortable. I did not know how to react.

Then see where that leads.

[mightaswelllive]

I am curious to see if your T brings it up in your next session. Whenever my T does something she sees as wrong, she always starts the next session by bringing it up to allow for clearing the air.

If she doesn't - definitely try to take BlackCanary's approach

[Elana05]

To answer honestly, I think that your feeling you need to be there as a support for your T takes away from what you should/could be getting from the therapeutic relationship. In a way - like a doctor asking you if you can look at her broken leg.
The bottom line is that it should be very clear that the T is there to support you and not the other way around. I know that for me, therapy offers the direct support that has been missing from my life. (example) For awhile I was watching the clock closely. I didn't want to be a burden on my T and go over time. She told me not to do this. It was not my responsibility.
One crucial thing comes up (in my mind). T's (often) simultaneously have their own T's in order to be in good shape to be treating patients. In addition, they (often) have a network of other T's to speak with. This is where their support source comes in as I understand it.

[peaches100]

Darkrunner,

Hmmm. To me, the self-disclosure wouldn't bother me unless my t had a pattern of doing that on a regular basis. In this case, your t didn't intend to cry in front of you. Once she realized she was getting teary, she asked for a moment to contain herself, right? Then did th=he two of you go on to discuss your issues?

My t once had to ask for a moment to compose herself, and i had the feeling she was fighting back tears. But then she composed herself and we went on talking about my issues. I felt fine about that. But then again, my t rarely ever self-discloses, and i don't feel like she takes over the session. If your t does that, then it sounds like it could be a problem you should discuss because your therapy IS about you.

[lastyearisblank]

I definitely see what you mean about levelling out the relationship... there is something "sensational" about the t crying instead of the patient....

We have actually talked about the fact that she has a very strong personality, while I do not.

This would bother me more personally than the crying.. I would not want to feel that someone else's "strong" personality was keeping me from having my own experiences...

[darkrunner]

Thank you all so much for your replies.
I kind of disappeared for a couple of days. I've been so busy with work and running around taking my kids to their activites, and tonight I had an appt with pdoc. So I'm just getting a chance to catch up on things.

But I've read what everyone said and I really appreciate your sharing and perspectives. I have some more thoughts and want to respond to some of the questions.....

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

Ugh darkrunner, that is a difficult one. Does she do that often? how much disclosure does she do?

My T does disclose quite a bit. I've been seeing her for about 1 1/2 years and she always has disclosed. She is very talkative and I am more quiet. There was a point that it was really bothering me because she was talking about herself so much. ANd of course there were times when I was glad she was talking so much because I didn't want to talk at all and it was a way of avoiding my stuff. Then we both realized there was some kind of 'transference' going on because her personality is A LOT like my moms. Since then, I've noticed her LISTENING more, and sitting in silence more, waiting for me to talk. I appreciate that, because it tells me that she cares, she wants to help me, and she is willing to learn what works and what doesn't work, and she is willing to change her approach.

Originally Posted by Sannah

But wouldn't this make it her session and not yours?

Yes, it would, and I think that's what made it feel awkward. I really wanted to focus on her, but I felt like I would be crossing a boundary. The situation felt strange, they way you would feel if you had a friend who was pouring out her heart to you and you just sat there watching, and not making any effort to BE THERE for her. Because I knew that was not my place to do so.

Originally Posted by peaches100

Darkrunner,
Hmmm. To me, the self-disclosure wouldn't bother me unless my t had a pattern of doing that on a regular basis. In this case, your t didn't intend to cry in front of you. Once she realized she was getting teary, she asked for a moment to contain herself, right? Then did th=he two of you go on to discuss your issues?

Thanks Peaches, yes you are right, she took a moment to compose herself and then we went on with my session. I don't remember much of the session after that - it was only 3 days ago but it all seems kind of foggy.

I really like some of the ideas you all gave of how to bring it up to her.
I also wondered if she would possibly bring it up to me...I doubt she will.

Another thing I noticed while reading through all the responses at once, is how different everyone's perspectives are. I like hearing such a wide range of opinions, even though some of them were harder to hear than others. But it is helpful to me because I tend to think of things as black and white, so it has helped me to see more of the gray areas.

I still am not sure if I'm going to talk to her about it, although I can say that talking about it to all of you makes me much more likely to bring it up with her!!!!

Thanks again, everyone!