Confession Session with therapist today

As many of you know, I had my appointment today. The one where I had to face my therapist after sending an email that addressed my "feelings" toward her. Yes, they did cross the line into sexual thoughts!

I had my journal notes ready to go. BUT, it took me forever to be able to start reading them! We did some small talk and I asked her, "Do we really have to do this? Can we just move on and forget that I ever mentioned this?"

Of course, she said, "No". And listed all the reasons why we needed to address it. I finally got up the courage to read it to her. You know what? It wasn't that bad afterall!

I know why I have feelings for her. I know that it is partly because of past relationships and my strong need to have an intimate bond with someone. The other part is just being in therapy. Having that bond with your therapist is confusing!

She said it was normal for me (who has had failed relationships in the past) to desire an intimate bond with someone. She made me feel like it was okay and nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about!

I actually made eye contact! Yes, I looked at her while I talked about it. The words and thoughts I read to her were very personal and not something that anyone would want to confess!! BUT I DID IT!

Once I finished reading, she said that it was very insightful. She replied, "You have a lot of head knowledge. You understand yourself much better than you give yourself credit for. Now we have to take that head knowledge and apply it. You don't like to take care of yourself and your emotional needs. That makes you uncomfortable. We need to explore where that is coming from and change your thought process on that. You deserve to be loved, nurtured, respected, and cared for. Why do you have such a hard time accepting that? Where are those negative thoughts coming from? This is something that we have to work through in order for you to continue to have progress in therapy."

She went on to say, "Yes, we will need to revisit the emotions you are going through now (my feelings for her). We need to make sure we keep that in check. It is okay to feel like you do. We just need to help you find those healthy, intimate relationships with others. This will be scary for you because you don't let anyone in your circle. That is why you are so lonely. God made us to desire intimacy and relationships with others. You cannot expect to shut down that part of you and ignore it. This is why you are in so much pain. You won't allow yourself to be human!"

YAY! I feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted. Thanks for all of your support. PC has been a life saver so many times for me when I needed a friend to talk to. I know sometimes I am UP and sometimes I am really, really down. I guess this is just part of the process.

Yay!!! I'm so glad you did it and feel better! Your T sounds WONDERFUL!!

THANK YOU for sharing. i expected this post to be sad and it caught me off guard, with so much hope, made me kinda interested in the words of your therapist, as they related to my own life and we're completley encouraging...

and if anything i understand, i understand this...

you are right when you say it is PART of the PROCESS...

so smile and realize you are tackling the process
and being courageous by opening up an issue
and taking the next steps your therapist recommends

i think as a therapist would say,
"your doing good work!" lol. keep it up. i guess. good luck.

What a great session...I love how your T handled everything!
This is my favorite part. My T essentially said the same thing to me last week. It's like being a robot...living life, doing what needs to be done and what others expect of us and not feeling a damn thing.

Unfortunatly, in order to feel things we need to expirience the pain that goes along with it. Hopefully soon, it won't be so painful to have feelings and needs...and express them to others.

It sounds like your T is very eager to effectively work on this with you. I'm sure you will learn a lot about yourself in the process. It took a lot of courage to want to explore and work on this...good for you

Way to go Squiggle! That took tremendous bravery and courage on your part to be able to open up like that to her. I knew that you could do it. I am so proud of you! I am so glad that it was such a positive experience for you and great job with making eye contact. I know that can be very difficult. It sounds like you are working with a great T that knows what she is doing and that she has your best interests at heart, Keep up the good work! We are always here for you regardless if you are up or way way down, Remember that.

You did it! and you did well!! Whew that's over; I can feel your happiness from here. very good job!!

VERY Awesome !!!!!!! Good job expressing your emotions! And thank you tons for sharing your session with us!

WOO HOO!!!! (((( SQUIGGLE ))))

That's AWESOME that you found the courage to address this with T. WOW. I am so so so glad that T treated you with the compassion that you needed and let you know that it is all ok.

((((((((((((((Squiggle)))))))))))))))

Yay! You were so brave, and T's response sounds so empathetic and validating. You must feel SO relieved right now.

Such good work

Sooooo glad for you Squiggle.!! I admire your bravery.

you did well, squiggle! and I am so glad that you have such a good, honest, compassionate T.....I think she is really going to be able to help you through this and help you grow and change and heal!

You are awesome Squiggle!! You have a dynamite T also!! What a great combo. You are going to go very far in your healing!!

You guys are awesome! Thanks so much for your support and words of encouragement. My relationship with my therapist did not just happen overnight, or in just a few months. It has taken quite a while to get to this point.

Now that I see just how great therapy can be, I wonder why in the world I fought it so long! Why didn't I give in months ago and just go with it? Well, that is because therapy is a process. I had to:

(1) Take time to get to know her

(2) Learn to trust her

(3) Accept that it was okay for me to be in therapy

(4) Feel comfortable enough to be transparent with her

(5) Give myself permission to show my emotions with her

(6) Work on issues that I didn't even know I had!

(7) Forgive myself for things that I really didn't have any control over

(8) Fall in love with my therapy time and embrace all that it offers me!
Including an intimate relationship with her. Yes, I said it. I can accept
that I have feelings for her and it is OKAY!

(9) Be willing to share with her my most embarrassing things!

This doesn't mean that I won't come on here and say something like, "I hate therapy and I am never going back!". Those times will still come. Usually because we have hit on an emotion that I am not wanting to explore! I know that I will feel so much better if I just "do it" and allow myself to "go with the emotion" and work through it.

I like your list 5, 6, 7, and 9...things I'm STILL working on a year into therapy with my T. I'm getting there but its a process. You have so much courage to do the work you are doing and then share your progress...Thank you

I must say very cool Squiggles.

I LOVE the way you think Squiggle! And you doer attitude too!