T doesn't see me as a victim

Thanks guys....I still haven't sent the email, and I think time is running out. Now that I've written it all out, it seems kind of silly and unimportant. I don't know why I feel that way. I'm thinking I should just send it anyway, because I have been thinking about it for 2 weeks since my last session.

Lastyear....
Thanks a lot for your feedback. You are right, maybe that part is unnecessary. You see, my T uses CBT, and she has taught me things like how to identify distorted thoughts and restructure them. She tries to get me to use thought restructuring and journaling, and other things to help me. And the thing is, I'm not doing them.
That might be part of the reason I may sound a little invalidating toward myself. Because I haven't tried hard enough, and I haven't done the things I need to do in order to move forward.

Treehouse,
You are so sweet to remember about that other consultant T.
He was very nice, and I maybe he could really help me.

But, as much as I hate the thought of starting with a new T, I'm not so much writing it off because of ME, but because of them.

I've heard that a lot of Ts won't take eating d/o clients because of the liability involved from the physical repercussions. I think that would severly limit the options of Ts who would take me as a client.

You wrote how you feel! I vote for send it.

Thanks. You're right! I just sent it.

......

Trauma work...ARG. There are many different schools of thought on trauma therapy, it makes my head spin. I haven't done the typical "trauma work" most people speak of. Telling "my story" would injure me further, a general overview is fine. Changing my thought patterns and actions was necessary. Getting control over my very bad coping instincts was MOST important. When I started T, a long time ago, everyone wanted to do trauma work and this just kept getting me stuck back in hospitals. I had to get stable. I had to get control over my acts before I could do any kind of T. It was several years of T's just telling me over and over again what I could do when in crisis. Over the years I have found that FOR ME, trauma work would be detrimental. I certainly didn't "get over it" by any means, but I have come to accept that as a part of who I am. As a survivor I do have a choice of whether to jump into self damaging behavior or to call for help. I choose my coping mechanism. So choice is huge...but it takes a heck of a long time to get to that place...I am still working on it. I can tell you that I am better at making those decisions, but I still fail at times.

Maybe your T just wants you to make 1 good choice for every 19 bad ones...then 6 mos later 2 for every 18...etc. I'm glad you wrote the email, it's really important that your T clarifies this with you. I hope she replies quickly, and I hope she writes what you need to hear.

Eileen,
Thanks for your reply - you gave me a really different perspective and I appreciate it.


I don't know what will be best for me. Trauma work, no trauma work.....I just want to feel better, to be better. I want to be able to go through the day without wishing I didn't exist. I want to feel like I'm living again instead of walking around like a dead person.

I wish I had confidence that my T can help me. I know she wants to help me but I'm not sure she knows how. I think she just wants me to be able to help myself, but then again, maybe that is distorted thinking on my part. I don't trust my thinking at all.

No response from T this morning to my email. I didn't really expect one. She may respond later this morning, but she may not since I will see her tonight.

I feel that if you feel like a victim, a T should meet you where you are currently. Trauma work is very hard, and it seems to me a ED therapist should be trained in trauma work because they go hand in hand with each other. But your T worries me on the things she has told you.

This whole "survivor title" business irritates me because ANY other crime that is done, you are considered a victim, not a survivor. I think the grassroots origin of this has helped some people, but has done a great disservice to many, especially to women.

As a "victim" of some serious traumas (and yes I will always use the word VICTIM) took me forever to admit and face that what was done to me actually DID happen, than I had to accept it wasn't my fault. So many people want you to put a band aide over a huge painful gaping hole way too soon, I think to make them feel better. It is like a giant guilt trip being placed over you because those around you don't want to think about what happened and just want you to move on. As a victim of abuse, I can't will myself to move on before I am ready to deal with what happened, before my body can "physically" heal itself. Those with PTSD know what I am talking about.

To me calling yourself a "survivor" of a trauma/crime (yes CRIME) makes it easier for others around you to get past what may have happened to you and it also has a way of making the perpetrator of the CRIME to not look as guilty or to take ownership of CRIME. It also has a way to dismiss your feelings that you really need to go through in order to truly heal. There are so many so called "survivors" walking around unhealed because they were forced to be made to feel they had to suppress those feelings. We all know how well that works...well it doesn't...you can't put on a pretty name of being a survivor and feel healed if you are not.

So now comes along the current term "thriver" because "survivor" surely wasn't working well enough for many.
So yes, I may have survived the crime, because well I could have been killed. So what should I do, THANK the perpetrator for letting me live? There is a quote from someone ( I can't remember who right now) that says being alive doesn't mean you are truly living.

I have been through a lot of trauma work and finally with a great T, who has helped me heal so much of my past, who met me where I was when I first started therapy with her. I am THRIVING well, and I did SURVIVE, but I am also a VICTIM of many crimes that were done to me. YES A VICTIM. It took many years of hard gruesome work to get to this place and if I put on the "fairy tale" title of "survivor" I probably would not have come as far as I have now. Plus I feel calling my self a "survivor" and not a victim does other victims a huge disservice, because what was done to me and to them was a CRIME. I don't like Dr. Phil much but I do like his quote of "you can't change, what you don't acknowledge."

Now, let's do something about those PERPETRATORS of crime, or I guess to some, they would call them "granters of survival" Naw, let perpetrators be held responsible for their crimes, not just slap their wrists. Let those victims of those crimes heal, and let's stop dismissing their pain so we can look the other way easier.

I really don't do well with debates or pissing contests but, as a SURVIVOR of vicious abuse, I am entitled to the right to call myself which ever noun seems to fit me best. I did not, nor will I ever diss someone for calling them self a victim. If that's the noun that they prefer, they're entitled to it...they did their time as well.

Please don't tell me I am not healed, or that I had to suppress my feelings. I have worked incrdibly hard to get to the place that I am at, and I prefer to highlight the fact that I lived thru it over the fact that it happened. Personal choice, for me.

I am a survivor, that's no "fairy tale", and I've come a LONG, LONG way.

You are right Eileen, you can call yourself whatever you want, I agree.

I am talking about the situation when someone tries to tell you are something and you are not there yet. This has been happened in our history of treatment of women for way too long. So many women felt their feelings were dismissed because of what happened to them were not seen as a crime. So they don't seek treatment.

I think it is great you have healed, it does take a lot of work, so good for you!

I am sorry if my words have upset some of you, that is not what I intended to do or wanted you to feel. I am not talking about those who have worked through their stuff, and I do feel they can call themselves whatever they choose.
I am mainly talking about those who have been through trauma and have had their feelings poo poed and then being told, "well you survived it, didn't you, so stop complaining..." This has happened to so many people. So many have not seeked help because there were made to feel guilty or shame having problems dealing with what happened to them.

I call it a "fairy tale" saying because others use it on others to help THEM deal with it. It doesn't help a victim who just has gone through something horrible, to say "well at least you survived". Just being alive is enough in life. I didn't imply that if you use that word to describe yourself that you haven't work through the trauma or have healed. I used to word because some others (who the crime didn't happen to) want to sugar coat the situation you have been through, sometimes even hours after a crime and just calling someone a survivor, doesn't mean they are now okay. I am not talking about the people who the crime has happened to, but to those around them, who use that word. I used "fairy tale" as an analogy of those (not the victim) calling someone a survivor is if that it will magically make them feel better and everything okay.

Not calling ourselves victims is also making it easier for perpetrators to get lessor sentences for their crimes. It isn't being taken seriously enough for what they have done. Whether you call yourself a victim or a survivor, the trauma you have gone through has impacted your life, probably forever. And that is why I feel if we use victim instead of survivor, maybe those perpetrators will not be let off the hook so much.

This is just how I feel personally. I never meant to make anyone feel put down. This is just my story. Darkrunner was having trouble with her T calling her a survivor when she felt like a victim. My response was to her because I have felt the same way, especially in the beginning of my therapy. It sucks for those not to acknowledge the abuse and trauma has been done, and that's what it felt like to me when I was being forced into calling myself a survivor when I didn't feel like it. You really are a victim of a crime, no matter what name you want to call it. Feeling like a victim is normal if you have been through a crime that has been done to you. Calling myself a victim to me just acknowledges what was done to me was a crime. How I feel about myself is something else, I have mostly healed and live a good mentally healthy life now.

Darkrunner, how did your appt. go?

Restructure distorted thoughts without understanding where they are coming from?