[MoAnamCara]

hi,

i dont post too much here either, but need some feedback please, if some of you could.

while i know what t is doing is correct, it hurts right now. email is no longer and i was reminded that phone calls are during office hours and where to contact for emergency services.

there was a misinterpretation last week as i received no response to two emails or one phone call I placed.

keep in mind this is the first call ive ever made, ever.

so while i felt somewhat lost in an ocean last week, this has been validated a bit now with these changes. i just needed some support, you know?

further, to seemingly validate my ex's comments, it was suggested i attend an intensive therapy thing at a hospital. what a way to make me feel on top of the world...

so am i reallly this screwed up right now? i did not count on this at all when i started t a few months ago just to help coping with a loved ones illness, that was all i went for.

im just torn. i know something like this would not be suggested unless it were for my own benefit, yet its a little like admitting im a big failure, no matter how often you are told you are not.

i feel sad right now, completely alone and once again screwed over, forgive me for the language please.

of course, these are probably my own "sick" perceptions, as I'm "sick".

once again, this is why i dont open up nor trust folk. its thrown back in your face or handled in a way that makes you feel betrayed. so why or what would encourage you to be that way (open & trusting)

so im thinking a lot of responses are going to be telling me that the t is correct, and they probably are - i do recognize that. this just sucks to know you are what you think you are, a failure etc., and that the one person you finally open up to makes you feel about the size of a mouse, and a dumb one at that.

and then when leaving the receptionist asked me if i wanted them to issue me a check for the credit on my account OR would i be returning.

now what does that say to a client? again my "sick" mind went immediately to the fact that they all discussed me and that they guessed i was done, that id run away and leave and never return. or that id do this program and not return, or perhaps they hoped.

i am sorry for the rant and the words, am unsure what to do right now to stop my mind going to a very negative place.

[WikidPissah]

Hi Mo.

It sounds like your in a really painful place right now. Most of us have been there/are there/will be there soon...etc. The comment of the intensive hospital therapy...were they referring to outpatient partial hospitalization or inpatient? Not that it matters, it sux to hear either one. But at least at partial you can go home at night and tend to things...plus its a set amount of time.

If your T thinks you need more, maybe you do. That could be a hospital, it could be partial...or it could be with an alternate T who responds to your phone calls and emails DAMMIT. (had to yell there, because not responding to your phone call is just pathetic.)

YOU are not a failure, and YOU are not dumb or sick. You're going thru a rough patch and you need some support.

(oh and the receptionist thing, don't let that bother you, they are required to let you know your balance after sessions.)

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time- no need to apologise for expressing yourself here, it sounds like a really tough situation.

It does sound very upsetting that the only call you've ever made was never returned and their only response was to tighten the rules. I can also understand how you interpreted the receptionist's words, given how vulnerable and upset you are in this T situation.

What do you think you might do now?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by MoAnamCara

makes you feel about the size of a mouse, and a dumb one at that.

Mo, I couldn't help but think that this is so cute. I'm sorry if saying this isn't very appropriate right now.......

How are you doing now?

[MoAnamCara]

Thanks Eileen, Improving & Sannah -

ive calmed down, but am still a little perturbed by all of this. will continue to think about things over the next couple of days. obviously i need to do whats best for me, im not sure a "group" involved thing is going to be beneficial for me.

i feel also there have been some misunderstandings with t and I and her perception of my thoughts. will think about it as i said and go from there. am seriously wondering if i need to quit t altogether. am i overthinking too much? am i too self absorbed? i felt t was bothered by me today by the time i left, because i didnt jump on the intense whatever stuff and because of my responses to her and because twice i asked her to stop talking so that i could get out what was on my mind at that time. my perception of people is generally pretty spot on, so it makes me wonder if this is the right t for me, or me for them as a client?

who knows. life will go on as it always does.

no apologies necessary Sannah - eeek...eeek !

[mixedup_emotions]

Eeek! Eeek! LOL

I have the same issue at times, feeling as if I did something wrong or as if I failed, when the reality may be quite different.

When my T and I had a major rupture not too long ago, he told me to stop emailing him.

After we worked towards resolving our break of contact, the boundary changed, somewhat, to where I can email him - but if I am unhappy with him in any way, I need to address it face to face and not in email.

Of course, I felt as though I did something really, really wrong to have him set this new rule put upon me. But in reality, it was not serving me to have an email exchange with him when I'm upset or angry with him. So, I know it was for my own benefit.



I'm glad you're more calm today. I'm sending you Mighty Mouse vibes....

Originally Posted by MoAnamCara

i feel also there have been some misunderstandings with t and I and her perception of my thoughts. will think about it as i said and go from there. am seriously wondering if i need to quit t altogether. am i overthinking too much? am i too self absorbed? i felt t was bothered by me today by the time i left, because i didnt jump on the intense whatever stuff and because of my responses to her and because twice i asked her to stop talking so that i could get out what was on my mind at that time. my perception of people is generally pretty spot on, so it makes me wonder if this is the right t for me, or me for them as a client?

(((((((((Mo)))))))))

These are really good questions, and worth bringing out into the open. Sometimes I guess what T is thinking, and I get it wrong, and when we can talk openly about whatever it is and make sure we understand each other, it helps.

I'm SO sorry the boundaries changed. I haven't experienced that, but it was definitely one of my fears earlier in therapy. I *know* I would feel like *I* had done something wrong, whether I had or not. Blah.

It sounds like a hard time. I'm glad you're posting...sometimes just writing helps me untangle the knots in my head.

[MoAnamCara]

Thank you MUE & Treehouse -

I can accept the email ceasing for my own benefit, i really can. but it was also a lifeline for thoughts. however i still get it.

it was more of the lack of return phone call and "we're not an emergency service" sentance that got to me. she never asked why i called, it wasn't an emergency, but now she will never know.

i have thought some more and have some questions and statements that i will share when i see her in a couple of days again. i want the air cleared moving forward, i cant second guess myself and be concerned about her reactions and feelings to what i say or dont say.

the silly part of me wishes to up and walk away. not deal with it all. is a little much for me right now. i feel yesterday in a way made me more sad (if thats the correct word).

but the sun is shining today, so thats a good thing. nice spring day.

[Suratji]

I posted on another thread about how I almost walked away from my T when she called me about some telephone boundaries that I had crossed. That triggered a huge issue for me about 'getting into trouble'. I canceled my next appointment thinking I could never go back to her. After calming down for a couple of hours, I called back and scheduled an extra appointment to discuss my over the top reaction. It turned out to be a really good experience because I displayed to her with her one of the issues I have that I wasn't quite sure of. So, yes, I do believe we should not walk away immediately anyway.

[MoAnamCara]

I agree Suratji, its always good to step back and think about things. and i know im at fault too, but as i said i just would like to clear the air in a way and ensure we are all on the same page moving forward.

[Sannah]

Yes, Mo, this needs to be worked through with her. You can gain so much from working through this. Please keep us posted?

[embracinglife]

i'm sorry you're going through this right now. I hope things get better.

[MoAnamCara]

Thanks Sannah & embracinglife (nice handle!)

i think in a way i've turned a corner, or am in the midst of turning that corner! after much, much thinking the last couple of days i have come to realize a couple of things. hopefully i can work on keeping the foreward movement here and start to live a little rather than waiting on the sky to fall in.

will keep you posted, and thanks