moving closer to T

So....after my last gloomy post, I'm so glad to have a happier one now.
I had session today. Last session, my T didn't move closer to me and when i asked, said something about staying in the chair she usually prefers and I could be the one to move closer if I wished from now on. It was a change that caught me by surprise....I felt more distant from her, it felt like the connection shifted off it's safe foundation. Anyway, today I just wasn't sure where I should sit, not feeling sure of the connection either! So I sat in the chair I like best, which is the farthest from hers. She brought the topic up almost immediately of where I had chosen to sit and told me again that she was going to stay in her chair and I could move closer if I wished. She was open and transparent and compassionate in explaining her thoughts about it.
She explained that it sort of had become like a game (not a conscious one or intentional manipulation or anything like that), where I sat further away and she was the one moving closer at times, like when I had journaling, and then moving back to her regular chair.....and that it was time to change that. That she had done it this way for me because of my trust and boundary issues and to help me feel safer.....but that it was time for me to choose to move closer to her, if I wanted that. And I think she was right....it was time for me to make the choice, to not wait for her to move closer to me but move closer to her myself because I feel safer to do that now. So I did! And actually, it felt good to make the choice myself....
I don't know, maybe I'm not saying this very clearly, but what it feels like is that taking this step to move closer to her feels very much like taking a step deeper into trust, into a closer connection. Because this is like a breakthrough for me.....I usually am very careful to wait for people to come closer to me, so I know they actually want to be closer to me, but it's harder for me to take the step closer myself. So I guess what I'm saying is that because I already know that my T moved closer to me first, now I know it's safe for me to move closer to her....because my trust is moving to a deeper level.
And beyond this who sits where thing - I was able to be open about a lot of my feelings, even about how her choosing to sit further from me last week made it feel as if she was distant....and I was able to talk about the feelings of deep melancholy, loss, grief that came up. She wanted to know if I had journaled about it (well, I sort of did here, but I didn't tell her that) and I said I hadn't journaled for her. So that was something where she thought I was moving closer to a place of being able to actually talk more directly about my feelings....and that that was great progress too.
So I moved closer to T in more ways than just where I parked my physical self! I moved closer to sharing my authentic self, my feelings, with my words and not just planned out words, either, but words from the heart in that moment....
Anyway...I am so glad to feel like tree said in a recent post that, even though it feels like the safe place shifts off its foundation, it shifts BACK! I saw this so clearly today....that even though it felt like the safe place had shifted (and really it hadn't shifted as much as my emotional mind felt like it had) it shifted back! I feel so much safer seeing that - and what I really want to be able to do better, is to keep hold of my trust in the safe place, in my T, even when it feels like there is a shift...
(Sorry, long again I think you all are beginning to see how wordy and long-winded I am!)

Yes!! This IS the goal. It is one that I have been working on with my T for years, and I am just finally getting to a place where I trust that the safe place is always there even when that shift occurs....it really DOES shift back. Learning to trust that and believe in it is hard, and I think that it only happens from real consistency and time. I am so happy for you that you were able to connect with that safety and to feel it today! It is something to feel good about, and to hold onto for sure!

Great job! Well done!! This is HUGE!!!! Keep up the good work Poetgirl! I am proud of you and hope that you are also proud of yourself!

What I'm seeing more is that T has been consistent in wanting to give me a safe place and be safe for me - not that I'm saying that's she's been perfect or that sometimes she didn't make a mistake that really did cause a shift - and that I have been very sensitive to anything that felt like a shift, whether there was any shift at all. The times I felt like she was distant....it wasn't that she was (more that I was!), but that was my perception, the assumption I assigned to what I thought I saw.....so maybe I can learn to see that it's often more that it's my perception that the safe place is shifting rather than it being a reality that it is....and knowing that can maybe help me shift my perceptions more toward what is closer to reality than what my emotional mind perceives it to be, help me remind myself that the safe place really is safe because I have proof I can point myself back to in the moments of doubt. I think that sounds more complicated or confusing than I mean it to

thanks, cats!

very very cool poet girl.i so wish i cold have that trust in T.did i say very cool

wow, that is so awesome! Isn't it great when something so positive happens in session. I am very very happy for you. I'm smiling.

thanks, granite......I think in time you can have that trust in T, step by step!

Your welcome! So are you proud of yourself as well??

poetgirl, I'm sharing in your delight at having something happy to post!

I remember when you posted about her saying she's not budging, thinking that sounded hurtful. But now she's explained it it makes perfect sense. I think it does relate to what Tree was saying about the foundations, and about a safe place. T needs to be the same, the solid safe foundation, and maybe part of that is staying still. You can approach or distance yourself, but she is always the same. I can really relate to the 'game' element she described. My T and I spent a lot of time at the start talking about avoiding problematic contingencies- where I'd get more of her attention/care/concern if I was doing worse. When T behaves consistently, all of that is just a given, and I don't have to work out how to win it. I can imagine if T moved to sit next to me one week, and then didn't the next, I'd spend all my energy wondering what I'd done differently, wondering how to make her come back... her decision sounds very freeing, if that makes sense?

I can relate to finding it hard to draw close. In my first therapy session as an adult (not with my current T), I took off my shoes- not because I was getting comfortable(!), but as a commitment to staying in that room for an hour, however difficult.

The first time I moved closer to my current T was by accident. She had given me a photo to look at, and I felt too self conscious looking at it with her looking at me (hope this makes sense!). So I moved and sat on the floor next to her chair, so we could look at the photo together, side by side. I always sit there now, at her feet. Any closer and I'd be sitting in her lap I suppose Sometimes it takes me the whole session, as I creep closer inch by inch. Sometimes I suddenly ask if I can move there. Sometimes I walk in and straight away throw myself down there. She's told me I'm welcome there when I clarified that I wasn't in her personal space, but she never invites me or tells me where to sit. I choose. And I always choose her.

I'm glad you drew close today, in all the ways you described

YAY! I am so glad that you feel better. Revelations of truth can be painful to go through, but once you get there, it can be such an eye opening experience!

Why, yes, I think so!

Thanks, Improving, for what you shared; that makes tons of sense! I think it's brilliant actually - T does need to be the same and her staying in her place, staying still as it were, will make her seem more the 'same', more consistent to me. A foundation is supposed to stay in one place and stay still, so what's built on it can stay strong and whole and not shift!
Like you say, it's now my choice to move closer or not - the control of how close I am to her is in my hands. And yes, that is freeing! And probably will help me be free of some of these struggles I've had with feeling that the connection is distant or not quite secure enough, too....
This, thinking of it more, makes me feel like this is something that is really acting to solidify my trust and deepen the connection I feel with her.

it sounds like you're learning a lot about yourself! very good

((((((((((poetgirl))))))))))

Wow...it sounds like such a movement towards growth and healing. And I think it's awesome that you made the choice to move closer to T. That was brave and good

I control where T sits (ha ha - that sounds funny, but it's true). He will sit on the couch with me, but I almost always have to ask him. We had a huge rupture a couple of summers ago, because I wanted him to sit with me, and I *knew* for sure that he knew that's what I wanted, but he wouldn't offer, and I couldn't get myself to ask. It was hard.

But I like that we have the power to choose. It can feel scary at first, especially when we're not used to having any power, but in the end, I think it's really healing on a deep level.

Thanks for sharing your session with us.

yes, this! the power to choose is healing, because it's like being trusted to make the choice best for us and being able to trust that that choice is respected and honored.

Great work pgirl!! Empowerment comes to mind for me here, and getting our needs met and a safe, healthy person to learn around.

Oh wow....I think I would like to sit closer to T as well. But the problem is her office setup, she would have to be the one to move because she's in the chair and I'm on the couch. It would be hysterical if I tried to move the couch!

[quote=with or without you;1735313 It would be hysterical if I tried to move the couch![/quote]

Picturing you moving the couch, You are right, it is pretty funny!

you ARE funny....and yup, that's a hilarious mental image I get, picturing how my T might look if I tried something like that, too!