Tomorrow is two T day... help?

First, I know I haven't written much in this section and I'm sorry. It's cause I'm kind of intimidated (my issue)
Tomorrow I see my med nurse who also does therapy and my regular T. It may be all my stuff but I have some serious issues and thoughts with remaining with the two of them. I have been in a downhill spiril for at least a year, my T's both know this. Last time I spoke to med T and told her my financial situation was desperate, all she said to me was "Well, you'd better start tapering down". No alternatives, no help, no nothing. Well, I couldn't afford the gas to get to her so I asked if she could mail my scripts since I was already withdrawing. She did mail them WITH a BILL! It was only $20 but our money issues are bad. I need to tell her how this made me feel. I don't know if I can.
Regular T has seen me through bad times before. He's had an awful year himself with illness (which triggers me) There have been many cancelations from both our sides. Now he forgets quite a bit that we've talked about , yet will not admit it. He misses phone calls from me (the emergency kind) which he never did before. He and I feel like we're on seperate continents. We've always healed any rupture before but the way I've been feeling, I doubt it's worth trying. I plan on terminating with him also. There is no point to all this and I hate the fact that I allow myself to depend on anyone. (it's always a let down or a set up) If I terminate both, I need to find someone to prescribe meds. NO more therapy EVER! There was a time when I had the most trust in my T. Now I can't trust anyone. Not even myself.
Sorry for the "book" I just wrote here. Please someone comment on this. I honestly don't know if all these things I feel and the anger at the T's are on me or not.
If more explaination is needed, please ask.
Thanks for reading all this muck....

Oh Calista, I am so sorry to hear about that! I would have found the bill to be a slap in the face especially since you didn't have the gas (which would have been cheaper) to get there. That totally sucks. I am sorry to also hear about the position you are currently in with your T. It's sad that you once had so much trust in him and now as youo say are both on completely different continents. Perhaps look into finding another T before you terminate with him. Just a thought. I hope things turn around for you and start to improve!

So sorry to hear you've had a bad time of things. We know so many people who have lost jobs or hours & benefits and are really struggling right now. I know that's no comfort, but I think a lot of people can empathize with you. I'm getting by by spending my savings. Hope I don't need it later for medical issues. Didn't plan on hitting the principal so early in retirement. Having little money makes everything else tough.

Sounds like you will do well to quit with your T. Too bad he isn't what he once was. I can understand your not wanting to start with someone else. Perhaps you can keep a journal, to write out things to help clarify them for yourself. And there are some good self-help books. I like Burns, "Feeling Good Handbook". The psychiatrist I saw when hospitalized recommended it.

My family practice doctor prescribed my meds for me for about 20 years. When I hit a downward slope myself, I started with the psychiatrist. So I see the Pdoc and T now. So maybe you can get your doctor to prescribe what you need.

Another thought, you might try to find a support group rather than therapy. Not as good in some ways, but maybe better in others. And you can always write in here--someone is always around with a sympathetic ear. The cost would certainly be less, and perhaps you could find a community one without fees or nominal fees.

You are making a lot of sense--I understood what you said very clearly I think. Just giving you feedback, since you asked. Hope the suggestions help.

((((((((((((Calista)))))))))))))) It must be so hard to watch someone you really could depend on turn into someone who isn't so dependable anymore. It sounds like his medical issues are what triggered the change in him? (if I am reading that right?). Do you think they are affecting his thinking, and making him forget things, miss phone calls, etc? I'm just wondering, because if that's the case, it sounds like it's not a problem with not caring, not being WILLING to be there, pushing you away, etc... I don't know if that's a comfort to you, because it still means "different T"... But I guess for ME, it would help me to know that it wasn't anything *I* did, or that his feelings about me had changed, or anything like that.

It sounds like you've had a safe, good relationship with this T, and that you KNOW what you want and need in a T...someone consistent, someone available between appointments, someone who is willing to see their part in ruptures and work through them. That is really good information. If you do terminate, there's so much there that will help you find a new T who is just right for you. Don't give up

As for meds, my regular doctor prescribes my meds. It's worked out fine, really...but luckily, my med situation isn't too complicated at this point. If you know what you need and just need someone to write the prescription, I bet a GP could do that for you.

Sounds like a tough day. Good luck, and let us know how it goes, okay?

Oh, wow, that is so hard. I can imagine how much emotional turmoil this brings up for you.

Did the pdoc send you the $20 bill for mailing out the scripts? Or was it an appt. cancellation fee? I know my T has very strict policies about that, and they are put in place for a couple reasons, which I respect. But it doesn't feel good at all.

I'm sorry that your T's health is having such an affect on your relationship. That's so sad.

Calista...I am so sorry about the financial problems. I honestly know the pain and shame in that...I've been there and it hurts so badly. I had to drop T for a little bit because of major medical expenses. Every once in a while I'd get enough money for a copay and make an appt, but it was scarce. (I'm back to weekly's now though) I think the bill for $20 was a bit much, especially since she already knew you had no cash for gas. How often are your med appointments? Is your med combo stable, or still continuing to change? I got my pdoc to change appointments to every 3 mos...and if I need a med adjust I call for an extra appointment. The thoughts about using your primary medical doc are really good as well. Your primary care may not require you to see him/her as often.

wow. sending tons of safe hugs!!!!

Ouch. Medical issues have a way of bringing out selfishness in a T.. not in a bad way but just they can't be there in the same way. And it is hard because we want to be there for them. But we have to put ourselves first.

Just curious if you have thought about firing one now, and other other later. It sounds like you have already thought this out really well but just because it can be hard being left without ANY support.

oh it was a bad hard day
i will rite moor little latr but thank yuo al to sad and skeered

Sorry to hear it was a bad day for you. I am looking forward to reading your post later...

I understand exactly what you are saying and I don't blame you for being upset.

I was just talking with someone about this very issue this morning--about the lack of affordable or free mental health services right when so many people need them the most. It didn't always used to be this way. Twenty years ago we had a big sliding scale clinic and some people weren't charged anything--PLUS all kinds of subsidized housing and social service programs.

Now there's just... nothing. You either pony up the cash or too bad. And it's no small amount of cash at that.

I think it's bad for everyone when it's like this. People go off meds they need, they can't function--it hurts the whole society.

Hang in there. Can you call the drug company and see if you can get free meds? I know it's a long shot but some of them will do that.

12-step programs aren't therapy but they are free and can be very helpful. I've made some great friends there. Good luck to you.

This was a very hard day for so many reasons. First I had med T (nurse) The first thing I did was hand her an envelope with her money in it. She barely acknowledged it. I told her I wasn't going to do any talking about day to day stuff since that's an excercise in futility. I did tell her that I was very hurt when she made the comment about tapering my meds. I was too embarassed to bring up the charge for mailing my script. She proceded to read from her notes she took surrounding that phone call, and read them out loud, making me feel foolish. She said she didn't think she said anything hurtful but IF she did , she was sorry. Anyway I wimped out of terminating with her, though I didn't really commit to see her again.

Regular T was very deep and scary. Instead of telling him I was done, I found myself in the middle of a narrative of a time when I was around 4 years old. I have no idea where it came from or why I had to spill that dirt at that time, but I did. What's done is done...I am officially disgusting. (my words, not T's) That lead to another memory and another visceral feeling and lots of dissociation. T helped talk me through all of that.He was surprised that there was "more" stuff so close to the surface and so was I. These were memories "I" never told out loud to anyone. I still feel like a rotten piece of meat.
I could tell T was that he had misunderstood something I said in e mail. At least that part is clear to him. I have gone into the changes I've seen in him and it's always met with denial . Reminds me of someone...but that would be definate transference, so I just got swept away in those awful memories. It felt lousey either way..the memories I had no way of knowing would come pouring out like verbal vomit or telling him I doubted his ability to "handle" my case. No winning today...
When it was time to leave, I looked at him and simply said "I want to die".
He had me call him when I got home and he did call me back. We had a long conversation about our session. Though he assured me that I'm not disgusting, or invisable, I know I am. He also assured me this isn't the end of the world happening; I know otherwise. It is apocalyptic to me.
Oh he's looking into having me admitted to a hospital too.
Sorry..I know this is vague as hell. It isn't really clear to me either.

(((( HUGS ))))

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I do hope that you get the help that you need to work through this.

The financial issues and all (LOTS) the others remain...... It's a wait and see approach with any social service agency and I am sure there are lots of people much worse off than we are. It doesn't make it any easier though.
I feel very small and alone.

(((MUE))) thank you

Please know that you are not alone. My heart aches for you right now. I wish I could make it better for you....

(((((Calista)))))

I'm so sorry you had a such an awful day. Although, it really does sound like a productive session with your T...you went to a difficult place you've never gone before and your T handled it really well. I know it's hard but sometimes those end up being the best sessions in the long run.

What did your T say about admitting you to a hospital?

He is calling the hospital tomorrow to see if any beds are available. They"re in short supply most of the time, so I doubt anything will come of it.

Well I hope that you STAY SAFE and take care of yourself. Reach out here as much as you need to and if you feel like hurting yourself you can always call the crisis lines. You are in my thoughts.

I am SO sorry you are going through this Calista. My thoughts are with you.

Thank you ....I am feeling a bit better. Just knowing people really care helps a lot.

It's only a "one T day" tomorrow but he's calling the hospital to see if beds are available. I don't know about this....

I hope that things work out positively for you tomorrow!

Dear Calista+12, so sorry for what you're going through right now. I know it's hard to have Hope when everything looks so bad, but Life is all about change; bad times won't last. Try a search on the Partnership for Prescription Assistance's comprehensive listing at pparx.org. Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. Sending best wishes your way.

I was too scared to go to T today;thankfully he understood. I have been having panic attacks due to PTSD and other things and they all seem to relate to the end of the world...what ever that means. It could be as simple as the end of MY world i.e. trauma in early childhood which felt like the end. I spoke to T twice on the phone today. There were no hospital beds available anyway (I was kind of relieved) and the suggestion to get a holding bed in the addictions unit wouldn't work for me. The meds I am on (and do not abuse) are very addictive and I AM deprendent on them, so that particular unit would frown on giving me my regular meds.
I am feeling ok at the moment and my husband is being wonderful, so the situation is better than it had been. My T does seem distracted at times, but he is human and getting older, with some health issues. If the past is any predictor, T will be there for me as he always has been. I just need to keep remembering that.
Thank you all for the support you've shown me.
It gets so confusing sometimes, when I am that depressed, to know what to believe or who to trust, you know?