[rainbow8]

I'm scared!!! In my 15 or so years of therapy I never got to where I am now. I don't know if I can do it. The feelings slipped out last week and I'm afraid of them. I can picture my T looking at me when I said I wanted to throw the buzzers. I don't know what that look was. I think she said to throw them but I didn't. I can picture her watching me when I said I wanted a piece of paper and proceeded to scribble all over it and then tear up the pieces. This was after making the card I think. She was strong and compassionate. I know she will make it okay to let out my feelings and she's not afraid I will hurt her. But maybe she doesn't know that I could get out-of-control. Maybe there's a monster inside of me!

It's so complicated for me because of the mixed-up feelings I have from different parts of me. The child loved the card! The adult was angry! Another part can't calm down about the whole experience and was turned-on by it! I'm so afraid of falling apart in front of my T, of feeling all of those things with her looking at me. It feels so intimate when she looks at me. I want to close my eyes but I also like to look in her eyes because they are pretty.

I am not used to being so close to someone and having all of these complicated feelings. I want to scream! But I have to go on with my life where no one knows what's going on with me in my therapy! I wish I could put RL on hold for a while so I could concentrate on therapy. I wish I didn't have to pretend that everything is all right with me when I am tormented by all of these powerful feelings!! The only place to let them out is here and in therapy. I suppose I could punch my pillow or something. This is really difficult for me.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Awe Rainbow, I am so sorry that you are in a rough spot right now, things will improve. They always do. Just a question for you, what are these buzzers that you use in therapy? What are they for and how do they work? Just curious,,,

[rainbow8]

The buzzers are for EMDR, the kind of therapy we sometimes do. We decide on an event in my past, choose a negative statement about myself that fits, then T operates the buzzers. I hold one in each hand and they vibrate alternately, right and left. T asks me to think about the incident while the buzzers are vibrating, and she stops (maybe after 30 seconds) I tell her what image or thought is in my mind. Then she repeats the process. EMDR is a way to treat trauma; it's supposed to change the patterns of your brain somehow. I don't know if I believe it, but I know that when we do it, it's productive because I come up with things I wouldn't have said otherwise. My T said there's no right or wrong way to do EMDR, and she uses it with most of her clients. Originally, the T just waved her fingers back and forth in front of the person's eyes to stimulate alternate sides of the brain. You can google EMDR to find out more.

rainbow
I know it feels awful when the emotions start coming up all over the place. I told my T I was afraid I'd hurt him. He laughed and said "Do I look like I couldn't handle you?" He's a big guy. Even if he wasn't bigger than me, the over all feeling he gives off makes me secure no matter what the emotion. Now, I am sure he can handle what ever comes up. I am sure your T can also. Try to trust youirself also. I know it's hard.

[ECHOES]

In my 15 or so years of therapy I never got to where I am now.

for the part of you that is frightened...and for the part of you that can recognize this as a positive thing, as progress, as new uncharted territory with unlimited possibilities!

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Calista. She's thinner than I am but I bet she's stronger. I'd never really want to hurt her but the feelings came up so suddenly. I know I can scribble again and tear paper. We are going to finger paint next time.

ECHOES: Thank you. I know! There are possibilities for healing but I have to be close to my T to do that. That's the awful part. But I can do it! I never thought I'd be able to hold her hand or hug her. Being close is something I want and am afraid of at the same time.

[DelusionsDaily]

Hey Rainbow...Sorry you are having a tough time. I can totally relate to not wanting to fall apart in front of T. Hope it gets better soon.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Melissa. The ironic thing is that "falling apart" is exactly what I need to do and want to do. I'm so full of contradictions and ambivalence! I guess I want to fall apart and have my T catch me, hold me, and keep me safe.

[lovelygirl]

Dear Calista+:

I have been where you are, in T for a long, long time and finally accessing very deep and scary feelings. First, I'm sorry that you experienced a great deal of pain when you were little--you did not deserve that at all. Second, it sounds like part of why this is coming up is that all your parts finally feel safe enough, especially in the room with T, to begin letting these feelings up.

So I really encourage you to try as best you can. It ended up being SO healing for me to tell the truth about what happened to me and how it felt, to be seen and let my T support me with as much kindness and skill as he did. Just food for thought.

Remember: Courage isn't getting to a point where you're not scared. Courage is taking the step even though you're scared.

You can do this. You are brave, and have a safe space and a safe person to back you up. And we are all here with you.

Take good care of yourself... LG

[Sweetlove]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thanks, Melissa. The ironic thing is that "falling apart" is exactly what I need to do and want to do. I'm so full of contradictions and ambivalence! I guess I want to fall apart and have my T catch me, hold me, and keep me safe.

This is sooooo exactly what I wanted a few weeks ago. I did have a bit of a meltdown, but not the "freak-out" I thought I wanted. Yesterday, I did fall apart a bit and I pretty much got what I needed from T. But I understand the falling apart so you can then be comforted and feel safe...I still want that.

Hang in there

(((((((((((Rainbow)))))))))))))

It seems like the scariest things in therapy are where the biggest healing is hiding. You are doing a good job.

[rainbow8]

lovelygirl, was your reply to Calista or to me? I think it was to her because I never mentioned experiencing a great deal of pain when I was little. But what you posted was good for me too, so thanks. Hugs to Calista too.

[rainbow8]

tree, you're right, as usual!!!! I know I'm scared because it's important and going to be healing. It's just so complicated for me, but maybe my T understands me better than I do. She doesn't want me to try to figure it out but I do anyway. I'm better off just "feeling" and letting her do her job, right?

((rainbow))

It's ok to feel scared. What's happening is new and different and important. Your T is big enough and strong enough and skilled enough that she can be in charge, and she can help you contain all this. Even the situation with the emails, which hurt you at the time, shows that T can be safely in charge.

I'm wondering whether there's a middle path between living solely for therapy and 'pretending' everything is fine? Like seeing your external life as a way to live out what therapy is teaching you? Or a chance to try out some things and gain more insight into others, to take back to therapy? Is there a way to interact with others while honouring how you feel inside? Just thinking aloud ...

[SpiritRunner]

((((((rainbow)))))) You have made AWESOME progress......you are aware of what the different parts within you are feeling about things, about T and what they are wanting, and I think this is insight you didn't have before. You are having big feelings.....and not that you didn't before, but now you are so aware of them! This is the beginning of healing....to be aware of the feelings and how big they are, even how conflicted they are. I know how much it hurts to become aware of big, deep feelings......I am in the middle of big, deep feelings also that I did not even know of before and I feel like I'm swimming in deep water, too. It is scary and yet how wonderful to begin to know yourself better and to know that healing is now even more possible!

[granite1]

rain what can i say?i could have wrote about this.i so know these fears and confusion.i think you just need to trust your T is able to deal with these strong feelings.she ISN'Tgoing to leave you or think badly of you.i think you are doing the best you can.i know a lot of times i am on the oposite end of the spectrum as far as T goes but i do know that you T must care about you a great deal and maybe just try to trust in that and know she would do nothing to hurt you

[lovelygirl]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

lovelygirl, was your reply to Calista or to me? I think it was to her because I never mentioned experiencing a great deal of pain when I was little. But what you posted was good for me too, so thanks. Hugs to Calista too.

So sorry, I think I was confused! I guess the general idea could still apply, though.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

But maybe she doesn't know that I could get out-of-control.

It's all you, you are in control and you are you! You are strong and able to control your excesses and contain your feelings; watch and learn. It is truly awesome to see how well you do!

[rainbow8]

I just emailed my T again, something very honest about my needs and where they come from. I can see it's not about her; she just triggers me like others have done in the past. I told her I had more compassion for the part that reacts the way it does, due to my history. I'm not as ashamed of the feelings for my T. I have a lot of passion inside and nowhere to direct it. That's not a new realization but one that's usually hidden. It's not for this forum. I feel better right now, more calm and accepting of my parts. I'm sure my T will like that email. I don't need an answer from her to know that!

[karebear1]

With that last post Rainbow, I feel such a sense of relief for you. It's just so nice when our spirits can calm enough for us to get that relief! I'm really happy for you.

[rainbow8]

karebear, BTW, my kids and I always liked the Care Bears and we used to have many of them and the books. This was years ago but I think they are back again!

Thanks for your post. Yes, I feel proud that I did some work on my own this week, thanks to posting here, and I feel better. My T told me that the real healing will come when I feel compassion for my parts, and that's what I am starting to do. I think last session was a mini breakthrough of some sort. I let my T see my feelings as they were happening! It did bring up some uncomfortable feelings that I need to discuss, but I feel relieved that it did. I emailed her earlier about how ashamed I was, but now I don't feel that way. I don't think the shame disappeared, but it's a start. I probably will want to hide in therapy, but knowing we're finger painting is something to look forward to. Maybe I can talk while I'm doing it; it will be relaxing.

Wow! Therapy can take strange directions!

Originally Posted by lovelygirl

So sorry, I think I was confused! I guess the general idea could still apply, though.

I was confused, but that's my baseline.... No worries!

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

karebear, BTW, my kids and I always liked the Care Bears and we used to have many of them and the books. This was years ago but I think they are back again!

Thanks for your post. Yes, I feel proud that I did some work on my own this week, thanks to posting here, and I feel better. My T told me that the real healing will come when I feel compassion for my parts, and that's what I am starting to do. I think last session was a mini breakthrough of some sort. I let my T see my feelings as they were happening! It did bring up some uncomfortable feelings that I need to discuss, but I feel relieved that it did. I emailed her earlier about how ashamed I was, but now I don't feel that way. I don't think the shame disappeared, but it's a start. I probably will want to hide in therapy, but knowing we're finger painting is something to look forward to. Maybe I can talk while I'm doing it; it will be relaxing.

Wow! Therapy can take strange directions!

Unfortunatley, I was karebear long before the Care Bears were. I could've made my millions if only...

Therapy can take us in strange directions. It's amazing how one day we can't open our mouths and the next day we can't stop what comes out of them! Last week, at the end of our session, my T had the BIGGEST smile on her face and with great joy announced that it was the BEST session I had ever had. She was practically jumping for joy. I kinda had to laugh. She was so excited and so cute about it. It actually amazes me that she would care so much about how I did in a session that she would be so excited about it. Just makes me want to talk even more now.

[rainbow8]

karebear, your T sounds wonderful! It's so nice that she showed you her feelings about your session!

I'm getting scared about my session tomorrow. Scared/excited feelings I don't know what to do about. Sigh.....

[rainbow8]

I don't want to "space out" tomorrow but being there with my T again may be intolerable for me. I want the intensity but it's not appropriate so I will probably not face it. I saw the progression in my emails to her with the last one showing compassion for my parts, but that's different from sitting in my session across from her, trying to talk. I have all these feelings and needs and I know they aren't my "fault", but it's too much for me. I don't want to go into hiding but the alternative is too scary! There's a middle ground but then I will be disappointed because I won't feel the intensity that I want but shouldn't want. What in the world am I going to do? I know they are transference feelings but my T is still a person and I don't want her to SEE that she's one of those people in my life who I "fall in love with." Of course she knows that already. It's about my pattern; I know it's not about her but I'm still embarrassed. Does all this make sense to anyone? I think I'm complicating a simple case of transference, but it's not so simple. My T says we're all complicated! All my wires are crossed. Well, some of them. I don't know why I'm posting this.