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#1
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Oh, BLAH.
I saw T today. I told him how it's been lately - all of these body memories at night and ALL of this noise in my head and I haven't really slept for 3 days. And the less I sleep, the worse it gets and I really don't know how to make it STOP. It's starting to spill over into daytime now. He asked about the noise in my head, and it's just a litany of everything I've ever said or done wrong. And when I start to drift off, I hear "TREEHOUSE" (the long version of my name that I went by as a child) and it jerks me awake and it starts again. He said it sounds like a lot of shame. The session was okay-ish. I was able to stay present, and I worked REALLY hard to be honest and to stay present and to try whatever he said to try (sit up straighter, etc). And it sucked and was hard because I am soooooo tired. Maybe 15 minutes before the end (it was a 90 min session) I asked him if he would sit with me and I could rest for a minute. He said yes and came over. I held his hand, but got this weird vibe off of him - like he was almost physically pushing me away. After a minute, I asked if I could sit in his chair and he said yes, so I moved. I was really honest about feeling pushed away, and he thought about it and said that he did have his arm different than he usually does, and that he could see where it would seem like pushing away. He talked about me being hypervigilant right now, and really aware of that kind of thing. He said that he really wasn't pushing me away. Then he asked what I needed to know to go home feeling safer (I was talking about not feeling safe). And this is where it really started to suck. He said "this is your chance to believe ME" (we had just talked last week about whether he believes me and my story). He said "is there anything you need to ask me so you can go home feeling reassured?" He said he would be honest. I did ask something...like "do you like me less" and then I started telling him how I was feeling...like I was seeing me the way HE sees me, that HE sees this bad stuff about me all the time and I'm just now getting it, and that it feels embarrassing. I was super honest and open and vulnerable. And he said, literally "we're almost out of time". And then he said "who in your past made you feel like that" or something. And I just felt like ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() So, I said that what happened didn't feel fair. That he had encouraged me to open up with the promise of reassurance and that I had let myself go to a really vulnerable place and that he didn't keep up his end of the bargain. i kept asking "right? that's what just happened, right?" because I wanted to check and make sure. I got up to leave and we were standing there looking at each other. He said that he could see where it felt like a "bait and switch" but that that wasn't how he meant it. And he apologized. I told him that I didn't want a hug today and he said okay and I left. He called something out about my next appt (thurs at 9) while I was leaving and I said okay. I know I am in a bad, spiraly place anyhow because of so many recent triggers combined with lack of sleep. AND I know that T isn't perfect, and I don't expect him to be perfect. But I just felt TRICKED. It still stings when I think about it. A lot, actually. So. I didn't call and ask for my message and I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just show up on Thursday, although the thought of being trapped in that room for another hour this week sounds unbearably awful. I seriously seriously seriously hate therapy sometimes. |
![]() Elana05, geez
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#2
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And wow, this is one of those times when I so wish T would just call or e-mail on his own, but I am 100% sure he won't, because that's not how it works. He will give me my "space" and when I need him, I'll call him. Or something.
So that feels like crap too. |
#3
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(((((treehouse))))) ouch, I totally get why that would make you upset!!! Really, I do. I especially like (aka hate) the part where you told him that you realize he's not answering you and he apologizes, yet doesn't give an answer. WHY NOT?
I don't think he would say "yes" as in "I like you less", so why not just say it? Woah, this makes me so mad about therapy, why always answer a question with another question that you MUST answer. It's not fair. I'm sorry he left you hanging like this! |
#4
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well, CAN you call? I understand if you don't want to but if you need reassurance, especially if you're struggling as it is, then it might be a good decision.
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#5
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Reading that made me want to send you tons of safe hugs, tree.....I'm sorry it was like that. Yeah, sometimes therapy seriously sucks.....I feel that way right now, too. Sometimes Ts just mess up and don't get it right away....
Can you just call? ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
#6
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man... I am so sorry about that... sending tons of hugs!
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#7
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You were so brave to ask that! I've wondered but I've never asked. I hear you about the hurt and sudden ending, but wow that takes courage to get those words out!
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#8
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( tree )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Yow.... ![]() ![]() |
#9
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(((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))
I totally see how it seemed like he asked you to open up and then didn't give you the reassurance that you needed. That really sucks. ![]() Hugs for you. ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
#10
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oh treehouse. Lots of hugs! You did such strong work and to have it end so painfully. That was kinda harsh. I hate it when my T gives me that reminder at a bad time. But that little tiny logical part of me reminds me that someone else needs her time as well. I don't like it, but it's there.
You really do need to go to T on Thurday because you are in such a bad place. Please go. Again lots of hugs. A
__________________
Here's a helpful technique for managing stress during difficult times: First, get one of those glass snow domes with a happy little snowman and an idylllic, peaceful winter scene....... Next, get a hammer..... "Slumps are like a soft bed. They're easy to get into and hard to get out of." Johnny Bench |
#11
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(((((tree))))) That sounds so painful..
![]() ![]()
__________________
He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away. |
#12
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I've had quite a few of these kind of sessions myself and when I read your post it made my heart sink and I've got a knot in my stomach just thinking about how horrible it feels. I really feel for you. I totally get why and how you feel how you do. Its such a horrible place to be- to feel a gulf between you and T.
As much as I dont want to I usually end up calling or emailing T because I just cant bear things not being ok. I need T to be on my side and when I feel he's not totally with me I cant handle it. And it sounds like you really need to know T is right there with you right now. Can you call him to try and figure things out before next session? Maybe once he has time to reflect he could give you an answer as to why he didn't respond to you. I think you deserve to know that before next session (((hugs)))) |
#13
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Just to clarify...I asked if he liked me less and he said "no". And then he asked if there was anything else and that's when I said the other stuff and he said "we're almost out of time" and asked me a stupid question.
Really, I always end up calling or e-mailing when we have any kind of misunderstanding or rupture or whatever, because being disconnected from T is THE worst feeling in the world for me. So it feels really weird to me that I have NO interest in talking to him. It's so not like me. I'm just too triggered in general right now, I think. I don't know WHAT to do. This feels really really bad ![]() |
#14
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(((Tree)))
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#15
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UGH. I'm so sorry he did that Treehouse.
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Didn't you have a rupture before about this kind of thing - when he was trying to be better about being on time, and he seriously F'd up then too? I really really don't understand why he said what he did, and how he could have been so careless, but one thing I know for sure, it's not because he likes you less than before. |
#16
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Quote:
My therapist always says the single most important thing one can do for their mental health is to get sleep. He's a psychiatrist and on my very very first appt with him, we dealt with the sleep issue straight away. I don't know where you are right now with that, but I hope you get some sleep tonight. If you can't, I would definitely call your therapist, or someone and tell them you are not sleeping. I know it feels really really bad. I've been there, and not too long ago. I'm thinking of you, and sending rest your way. I really really hope it gets there. |
#17
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Perhaps you shouldnt open up or ask questions towards the end of therapy that would make you feel bad if they werent addressed or answered properly.
Seems like the only fair thing to do for yourself.
__________________
In depression . . . faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the...feeling felt as truth...that no remedy will come -- not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. . . . It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul.-William Styron |
#18
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Quote:
Like I said in my post, my T asked me to ask him. And based on our long relationship, I had reason to think it would be okay. |
#19
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Quote:
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#20
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I know how you like big skies. Have you tried one of these. I have one and use it every single night.
http://www.twilightturtle.com/?gclid...FYxL2godw3NeCw |
#21
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Quote:
A
__________________
Here's a helpful technique for managing stress during difficult times: First, get one of those glass snow domes with a happy little snowman and an idylllic, peaceful winter scene....... Next, get a hammer..... "Slumps are like a soft bed. They're easy to get into and hard to get out of." Johnny Bench |
#22
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He screwed up big time.You deserved an answer and that answer should have been he would never think less of you for opening up. He is not there to judge you but I know how important it is to have total acceptance from your T. How can you share tough stuff without it? I am sorry he hurt you so. You need to go back and tell him. sending you hugs.
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#23
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(((Tree))) I am sorry; that must have fel so bad.
I don't know what else to say since I feel in the same place as you are in. I can sit with you if you want. |
#24
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tree: everything always seems worse when we don't get enough sleep. I hope you can get some more tonight. I'm sure it will work out with your T. I'm not a mind reader but I can almost guarantee he doesn't like you less!!!!
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#25
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Just to update:
I am in a 12 step program, and as I was driving to my meeting tonight, I was realizing a few things. One thing was that the last time I was at this meeting, 2 weeks ago, I had to stand up in front of the group and tell my story. For the whole hour. I've never done it before, and even though I am pretty open on here, in real life, NO ONE knows my history. Nothing about it at all. I didn't plan on going into any details in my story, but a little hint of it is out there now. So, I was really really not wanting to walk in the door and I wished that I could call T and just leave a message and tell him how I was feeling. And I realized that I am coming off of a couple of weeks of big triggers, I have had NO sleep, TODAY is the anniversary of something fairly traumatic, and that if I cut myself off from T, I would just spiral down into who-knows-where. I really really really don't want to get into a place I can't get out of, and with the lack of sleep, I feel like I'm on shaky ground. I know T can't call me. That isn't how my therapy works. It's one of the boundaries. So, I just made myself pick up the phone and leave him a message. I'm not even sure what I said. I think I mainly said what I said in the beginning of this post. I asked him to call back and leave a message, even if it's just to say that he got my message. It sucks to be in this spot. I really, really don't want to allow myself to feel any worse than I already do, AND T really, really confused me and hurt my feelings. Ugh. Anyhow, I know I won't hear from him tonight, so I guess I'll see what tomorrow brings. I just hope I can get some sleep. Thanks for the listening and the support and the hugs. I'm so grateful to have PC to come to. Now I wait, I guess. ![]() |
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