what I told my T

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((((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))))

I'm not inside your head, but I think I SO get where you're at.

When I have a rupture with T, it's so hard to think of anything else until it's resolved...and luckily for me, T is really good about owning his part and about hearing where I'm coming from and we're able to work through things pretty well (and pretty quickly).

If I felt like T was being sarcastic with me, changing the boundaries in a way that wasn't gentle, giving me hints that I'm doing something "wrong" but not being clear about what it is that I'm supposed to change..anything like what you're going through..it would feel unbearable. It would be REALLY hard to focus on anything else. It makes so much sense to me that you'd be going around and around in your head about it.

I hope your kids coming home helps. I know that if I have down time, it's a lot harder for me to shift my focus. I think most of my phone calls to T happen when I'm driving in the car alone, because it's the only time I have time to be alone in my head. Once I'm in the busy-ness of life, it's a little easier.

Thinking of you, dear zoo

I spent the day alone, doing things that felt good. I organized things and went through another whole cartridge for my label maker, lol. I did my nails and plucked my eyebrows and talked to my sister. I took a nap and did some homework. I ordered pizza for when the kids got home.

I didn't call T. I got a text from her but didn't read it. A long one, actually, because it was in 4 parts. I deleted it. I blocked her from calling me and me from calling her. I unblocked her and then blocked her again. And again. For some reason it only feels safe when I know she can't call me. Otherwise I find myself looking at the phone all the time, or jumping when it rings, afraid it is her.

This doesn't give me a lot of hope about being able to repair the relationship. I am trying instead to focus on life-after-T. It will be better this way, because it has to happen eventually. I knew that all along, and knew it would hurt. Now I'm in the middle of the hurt and I don't want to go through this again. I want it to be over and to not ever have it happen again.

And that makes me sad. I'm glad I don't have to decide anything right this minute. All I have to do is breathe and experience myself as me alone, not as me supported by T. Just me. I will be okay.

(((((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))))

You are so strong. I am so glad that you did healthy things to take care of yourself today. That looks like such a wonderful list.

((((((zoo))))))

I feel terrible for you when I read what's going on with you and your T. I can relate to it now because of what has been going on with my T and our emails these past few weeks. It's so difficult when your T is confusing and says one thing but does something else. She says she will be there for you but then says she can't be. I hate when things aren't resolved too!

Do you think she was trying to apologize to you in the long text you deleted? I wonder why you didn't want to read what she had to say, but I understand how confusing, angry, and sad you are. I think that, under the circumstances, you're coping pretty well!

I hope that in your session Tuesday, your T makes it clear what her boundaries and rules are. Maybe then you'll be able to make a decision on whether you want to stay with her or quit. She often sounds like she herself doesn't know what her rules are, or what they should be. I don't know what else to say. My heart aches for you.

I'm not sure why I didn't want to read it. I can't remember ever deleting a text, from anyone, without reading it first. I just know that in the moment when it came through I could not get it off of my phone fast enough. I didn't think about what it might say, or if she would want a reply. I just didn't want to read anything that would increase my distress at a time when I feel like I'm hanging on by my fingertips as it is.

To answer your question, rainbow, I don't know if she was apologizing or not. I guess I feel like if it was that important she would have called me. Which, of course, she may well have done, since I have been blocking and unblocking her phone all weekend, lol! I realize how crazy that sounds. I can't explain why I keep doing it, except I feel more peaceful when I am isolated from T and less so when I could hear from her any minute. Not that she usually calls or texts or even emails me out of the blue, but still. I need to feel safe, and T doesn't feel safe, and that makes me so unbelievably sad.

I understand, and I'm sorry but I'm glad it's helping you cope to keep your distance from T.

It's so interesting to me zoo that your reactions to your T's phone calls and texts are the same mine have been. Gives me hope that I'm relatively normal after all. I actually avoided my T's call last week, I was afraid to pick up the phone when she called as well- I also missed appointments and a group meeting. That is sooooo out of character for me.

Do you even care if there are boundaries anymore? Personally, since this has happened, I really could care less about them anymore. I was uber respective of them before. I always have gone out of my way to try to make everyone around me feel comfortable etc.- but I don't care about that anymore.

I think, at 52, I might finally be going through my rebellious teen years! Were you ever a rebellious teen zoo???

Zooropa,

I'm sorry to hear how much pain you've been in lately. I can understand why you're feeling confused and even angry about the situation with your t.

I'm wondering, though, if you're gonig to regret deleting your t's messages without knowing what they said? It may have been important information you need to hear.

I was not a rebellious teen. At all. I think in some ways I am going through a kind of rebellion, and I guess that makes sense since there is a lot of transference going on with me in regards to my T and my relationship with my mother.

I absolutely have the feeling of not caring about Ts boundaries right now. It may not seem like it, but I have always been really careful and respectful of Ts boundaries. I never texted her until she started texting me. The same with email. I have never called her without feeling like I needed to, and it took many months of her telling me it was ok to call before I ever did it. Now that everything is so screwed up, though, and the boundaries are so murky I can't even see or feel them, I don't care. What about MY boundaries? What about what I can handle? What about MY NEEDS?

Peaches, I don't regret deleting the messages. That says a lot to me, because it is really out of character for me. I am the kind of person who is unable to not read emails or posts, even ones that i know will upset me. I am unable to ignore things, pretty much. So deleting those texts was out of character, and not wondering or caring what they said is too. I think it's a sign of how T feels unsafe to me and how any connection to her feels unsafe.