[rainbow8]

I am back in town and see my t tomorrow. I've calmed down about the email situation and am left feeling ashamed and embarrassed, both about the subject (loving her) and about my frantic emails to her when she didn't say anything about my feelings or answer my question in her emails to me.

I want to discuss the email situation as an issue, what it means to me. I want to talk about the part who feels the need for that validation from her and why I just couldn't remember that she's told me that she accepts all of my parts. The last thing she would do is reject me, but I forgot that. It hurt too much when she didn't respond to my feelings and I did feel like she rejected me.

I'm expecting her to say she won't answer my emails anymore and that it's not a punishment for me, that we have to talk about the important things I bring up in my emails, in the session. And that will be that, expect it will feel like a punishment.

I feel crummy about it, like when my former T told me you never recover from a personality disorder, and laughed when I asked her if I was recovered. So now there is proof that I haven't recovered.

It's stupid to tell her that I "love her". It makes me feel like I should be punished. No, no one ever punished me for loving them. I honestly don't know where that thought comes from. I don't express love easily and I want to be able to. Not romantic love, just love. I need to talk about love because I always start to cry when I think about it.

Something strange is that I really haven't missed my T during this 3 weeks. At least not in the way I'm used to missing my Ts. Probably because I was so busy with my family, and enjoying myself.

My appointment is in the afternoon. I am so, so exhausted from being on the road all day. I should be sleeping right now!!

[karebear1]

good luck tomorrow rainbow. I'll be thinking about you. Hope all goes well for you and you and T can find that connection again.

[WePow]

Will be thinking of you. Just go in and be honest about your feelings.

[granite1]

raini hope your apt is soon so you can get some relief and i hope your T is willing to discuss this with you and why you have so much trouble expressing love.my T told me that sometimes people who have had a hard time with something or have had a bad outcome about something tend to try to recreate it to possably get a better outcome.maybe this is why it is so important to you.maybe it was never validated that you love.and it is important that now it is validated .you need to know that it matters to your T that you care about her.you need to feel it matters.again i may not have any idea what i am saying.(usually the case )but hope it goes well.i bet it is ok with her to tell her as many times as you need to tell her you love her.

[sittingatwatersedge]

hi Rainbow, wow you are carrying a lot here. Don't beat yourself up for your feelings; you have been so brave & honest to identify them, this is great work. Yr T will be OK with it, whatever you bring iin. I hope you get some rest...

[SpiritRunner]

I am thinking of you today!! It will be OK, your T is wonderful and kind and will appreciate the hard work that you have been doing in dealing with your feelings. ((((((((rainbow)))))))))

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It's stupid to tell her that I "love her". It makes me feel like I should be punished. No, no one ever punished me for loving them. I honestly don't know where that thought comes from. I don't express love easily and I want to be able to. Not romantic love, just love. I need to talk about love because I always start to cry when I think about it.

I too found that subjects of love made me cry. I realized for myself that it came down to the fact that my mother could never show me that she loved me. The subject of love made me cry because I needed to mourn that my mother couldn't show me that she loved me.

Originally Posted by granite1

i hope your T is willing to discuss this with you and why you have so much trouble expressing love.

maybe it was never validated that you love.and it is important that now it is validated .you need to know that it matters to your T that you care about her.you need to feel it matters.

THis is a good point granite! It reminds me that with me also, my mom wouldn't allow me to love her. She was in her own world with no connection with me so she couldn't show me that she loved me and I couldn't show her that I loved her.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

why I just couldn't remember that she's told me that she accepts all of my parts. The last thing she would do is reject me, but I forgot that. It hurt too much when she didn't respond to my feelings and I did feel like she rejected me.

Because you were being triggered? The past was being triggered up?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I too found that subjects of love made me cry. I realized for myself that it came down to the fact that my mother could never show me that she loved me. The subject of love made me cry because I needed to mourn that my mother couldn't show me that she loved me.


THis is a good point granite! It reminds me that with me also, my mom wouldn't allow me to love her. She was in her own world with no connection with me so she couldn't show me that she loved me and I couldn't show her that I loved her.


Because you were being triggered? The past was being triggered up?

I've got to leave in a minute. But Sannah, my Mom DID show me love and DID have a connection with me. But I agree something was off. I wanted to say "I love you" when she was very sick before she died, but I didn't. NOT because I didn't love her, either. She loved me very much. Of that I am 100% sure. I don't come from a background of neglect. My T just says maybe our "fit" wasn't good, but the love was definitely there! I loved her very much too!!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

But I agree something was off. I wanted to say "I love you" when she was very sick before she died, but I didn't.

Oh, I know my mom loved/loves me too.

I hope that you are able to figure this out Rainbow.

rainbow, you've probably seen T by now, but I hope it went well.

How interesting that you were able to be away from T for so long and not miss her like you missed your former Ts. I wonder whether you have internalized some aspects of T, or maybe that you feel secure in your attachment to her and know that she'll be there and feel just the same about you when you go back. It sounds like an important step forward. I'm so glad you enjoyed your time away- it's lovely when we can be in the moment

I think I understand a bit of what you're feeling. I tell my T I love her a lot a lot(!), and sometimes ask her if I should feel ashamed of that. I hope T helps you think this through...

[rainbow8]

I'm back, and it was a really good session! We just talked--no IFS, EMDR or walking, though it was a nice sunny day. She mentioned that "walking therapy" is becoming more popular, though.

She wasn't angry or upset with me at all. We started talking about the email situation and she is going to try writing the same thing each week. I'm not so happy with that solution, but she's not sure what to do either! She honestly said she doesn't have time to answer my emails in detail, and when she used to, she agonized over what to write and got upset herself. She also thinks it may never be enough for me even if she does answer.

We talked about my need for validation and how she thought I WAS able to tell myself that she always accepts my parts so it would be okay to love her. She was sorry that I felt bad after reading her emails. I think she said that feelings for her are better discussed in the session. The bottom line is that she thinks everything is better discussed in the session! She still says it's okay for me to email her, though. I just have to realize I won't get responses during the week.

We spent more time discussing love than the email issue. I was proud of myself for not shying away from the subject. She is perfectly fine with my expressing love to her, and we talked about my not doing that with my friends. She said she tells her close friends that she loves them, and wanted to know what it is about my doing it that bothers me. I wasn't sure.

I said I know she won't say it to me, and we talked about how "liking me very much" can be just as meaningful. I said maybe that's what I feel. I wondered what was transference and what was real, but she said it didn't matter. All through this conversation, I still didn't say those words to her, though. She kept asking what would make this feel more settled, and I kept hesitating. But at the end I said straight out "I love you." She said she felt flattered! She also said how much she appreciated my email about her eyes!

Everything is okay with my T, it seems. Except her answering my emails!
So, it was a good, connected session.

[dizgirl2011]

Hi Rainbow,

I'm sorry I could not offer support prior to your session, but I am delighted that your session went really well. It sounds like you both really connected and were able to talk about such meaningful issues.

I think you were VERY brave in not shying away from an issue you felt embarrassed and ashamed about prior to the session, so well done hun!! I also think its great that you were able to say the words straight to her and she reacted in a really lovely way and also mentioned your email about her eyes - she must think a lot of you and really accept you to be able to accept those compliments in the way she did!

Just to address something in your first post in this thread about how a past Therapist said to you that you "cannot recover from a personality Disorder" and laughed at you when you asked if you had recovered - I think this therapist is appauling and out of order.
Like all mental health issues nd psychological problems there is always a possibility of being able to overcome the issue! The word recovery can may not always mean 'cured' but it is possible to live a life where you can cope much better with your problems than you used to and were they don't rule your life - so really you can recover from a personalit disorder in that sense. To laugh at a client is very disrespectful- I think the issue was hers and not yours hun!

I am really glad today went well and I got your PM
xxxx

[WePow]

((((((((((Rainbow))))))))) I am very glad that you could find the middle ground with your T. That is very awesome!

[granite1]

you said those words to your T in person and you didnti thinkand i bet your T does also.i know the e-mail thing will be hard for you but remember she didnt say you couldnt e-mail.i kknow we will be here for you