[Suratji]

My emotions have gotten so ramped up in therapy that it has been difficult for me to handle them. And, when I told T that learning that she was leaving on vacation, a rush of fear just enveloped my body.

I explained to her that the last time my emotions got so powerful, I did things that almost ruined my life and I see her now as the only thing between me and destruction. So, my emotional brain can't handle that she's going on vacation.

She has given me a month's notice of this break so we've had a chance to talk about it a bit. I told her that just knowing that she is a phone call away helps me cope and gives me security.

Then she asked me a couple of weeks ago, what would she say to me if I called her in an emotional panic. I replied, "I don't know. You're you." And she asked me to imagine what she would say that would help and that I could say the same things to myself.

Later in the day I left her a message and told her that it wouldn't be the words she said but the 'presence' she offered.

Well, in my small brain, I am now interpreting her words to mean that in reality, whether she's here or on vacation, she really can't help me if I'm on an emotional brink.

T has gotten me to experience emotions which I have typically buried or repressed in the past. And now I know that they're there. But, I think I need a new strategy to make a change in myself. I know, I know, everything we read is about tapping into emotions and thereby learning and changing.

But, I'm wondering, now that I've tapped into them, can I now retreat from them a bit, analyze & interpret them with T's help and then try to initiate change from that angle?

In order to not be triggered by emotions during session, the past two weeks I've taken a klonopin in order to stay 'in charge' and detached. I still discuss my emotions and events in my life, but more as a scientist than as the subject. If it weren't so obvious to T, I would prefer to refer to myself in the third person. She doesn't know that I've been taking klonopin.

I did tell her last session that I had this new strategy of withdrawal. She replied that I'm quite good at that. I said that I see no other way for now because I can't handle the emotions. For now, I can contain them. She said the skill is to learn to release them slowly like steam from a tea kettle.

And, although I've been able to contain (to some degree) emotions, I haven't been able to withstand the tidal wave of depression that has descended on me. This is new. Depression must not be an emotion, rather isn't it just a state of being?

So, I have 2 more sessions with T before she goes on vacation. I'm trying desperately not to feel anything about it. Luckily she got me an appointment with a substitute T while she's gone.

Has anyone found success in withdrawal? Can we identify our problems and then solve them without having to go through emotional turmoil?

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Then she asked me a couple of weeks ago, what would she say to me if I called her in an emotional panic. I replied, "I don't know. You're you." And she asked me to imagine what she would say that would help and that I could say the same things to myself.

Later in the day I left her a message and told her that it wouldn't be the words she said but the 'presence' she offered.

Well, in my small brain, I am now interpreting her words to mean that in reality, whether she's here or on vacation, she really can't help me if I'm on an emotional brink.

Maybe what she was trying to get you to consider are words that might be helpful to you in dealing with an emotional panic. Since she will not be available by phone when she's on vacation, maybe she was trying to help you imagine what a conversation might be like so that you could use that imaginary conversation as a fallback if needed.

Originally Posted by Suratji

But, I'm wondering, now that I've tapped into them, can I now retreat from them a bit, analyze & interpret them with T's help and then try to initiate change from that angle?
.....
Has anyone found success in withdrawal? Can we identify our problems and then solve them without having to go through emotional turmoil?

I'm really, really good at withdrawing from my emotions...unfortunately, they just come out in other ways. I tried pulling away from my emotions when I first started really tapping in to them with my T. She encouraged me not to do that. What I've found is that the more I pull away from my emotions, the more difficult they are to eventually handle, and the more pronounced they are when they finally do surface. Feeling is HARD, but it's really the better option. What I've learned from my T is that if I just stop and let myself feel whatever it is I'm feeling, the emotion will pass. Emotions are really fleeting things, as long as we pay attention to them. So, now, when I'm feeling something...I stop and take a few minutes to pay attention to it. Where in my body do I feel it, what is this emotion trying to tell me, etc. I do some deep breathing and just let myself be present. It's really, really hard to do, especially when I'm panicking. But, it does work. I'm not very good at it yet, but I've seen the difference, and I like it.

I've noticed you like to be able to read about things...I do too. My T recently recommended a book called I Know I'm In There Somewhere by Helene Brenner, which talks about listening to your inner voice and listening to your emotions. The first time I read through the book, it made me mad, but the second time, I took away a lot of valuable information.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Suratji

And, although I've been able to contain (to some degree) emotions, I haven't been able to withstand the tidal wave of depression that has descended on me. This is new. Depression must not be an emotion, rather isn't it just a state of being?

Repressed emotions can cause feelings of depression.

Originally Posted by Suratji

So, I have 2 more sessions with T before she goes on vacation. I'm trying desperately not to feel anything about it.

Wow, you are a fighter with feelings. Why can't you feel anything about your T going on vacation?

Originally Posted by Suratji

And, although I've been able to contain (to some degree) emotions, I

Has anyone found success in withdrawal? Can we identify our problems and then solve them without having to go through emotional turmoil?

Nope.........

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

Maybe what she was trying to get you to consider are words that might be helpful to you in dealing with an emotional panic. Since she will not be available by phone when she's on vacation, maybe she was trying to help you imagine what a conversation might be like so that you could use that imaginary conversation as a fallback if needed. Yes, I think I understand that but if I had have already learned how to talk myself down, I wouldn't need to connect with her. So, I think she made a mistake responding to me in that way instead of actually giving me guidance on what to do



I'm really, really good at withdrawing from my emotions...unfortunately, they just come out in other ways. I tried pulling away from my emotions when I first started really tapping in to them with my T. She encouraged me not to do that. What I've found is that the more I pull away from my emotions, the more difficult they are to eventually handle,Yeah, you're right and I know that from personal experience. Maybe I'll try to open up again when she gets back from vacation. and the more pronounced they are when they finally do surface. Feeling is HARD, but it's really the better option. What I've learned from my T is that if I just stop and let myself feel whatever it is I'm feeling, the emotion will pass. Emotions are really fleeting things, as long as we pay attention to them.So, you're saying that if I pay close attention, they won't stick around as long? So, now, when I'm feeling something...I stop and take a few minutes to pay attention to it. Where in my body do I feel it, what is this emotion trying to tell me, etc. I do some deep breathing and just let myself be present. It's really, really hard to do, especially when I'm panicking. But, it does work. I'm not very good at it yet, but I've seen the difference, and I like it.

I've noticed you like to be able to read about things...I do too. My T recently recommended a book called I Know I'm In There Somewhere by Helene Brenner, which talks about listening to your inner voice and listening to your emotions. The first time I read through the book, it made me mad, but the second time, I took away a lot of valuable information.I just ordered it. Why did it make you mad at first reading?

I'm guessing that containment of emotions can't last a long time or they'll explode again. I'm just wishing that we could approach things more analytical and get concrete useful tools and answers.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Repressed emotions can cause feelings of depression. Really? Is that why I'm feeling depressed now? Man, what am I going to do now?


Wow, you are a fighter with feelings. Why can't you feel anything about your T going on vacation? Because I'm feeling too much and if I don't contain those feelings I'm going to explode. I'm in a very dangerous place for myself right now. I'm very scared and I have to keep a lid on them.


Nope.........Ah, come on. Are you sure?

I've kept the emotions at bay but now I'm on the verge of panic. It's so weird because I know rationally nothing is going to happen. I'm not suicidal, I don't do SI, I'm not into drugs, the worst that can happen is I run away from home again and I know that won't happen. So, why am I panicking?

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by Suratji

So, you're saying that if I pay close attention, they won't stick around as long?

YES! At least, that's what I've found. The harder I try to fight my emotions, the more they yell at me to pay attention...and then I fight them more, and they yell louder. If I just stop and say, "hey emotion, I see you," then it gets acknowledged and doesn't have to fight for my attention anymore.

Originally Posted by Suratji

Why did it make you mad at first reading?

Ummm - the long version is an entire page of cramped handwriting in my journal! The short version...I was really more mad at myself than anything...mad that I'd pushed my inner voice so deep that I don't even know what it sounds like anymore. I was jealous of the women the author talked about in the book who had found their inner voice and learned to listen to their emotions, and suddenly seemed to know just what to do to make everything okay agian. I resented the author for making it seem so easy, when I know it's not. I ended up reading the book once with just my emotions...I related to too many of the stories presented, and I just "felt" everything too much! Then, I went back and read it again for the actual content, and really read the message the author was presenting, and I found a lot that was useful...the words resonated with me, and I found that I wanted to be able to listen to my inner voice and my emotions, and that the book could help me figure out how to do that.

[Sannah]

Sounds like you are really afraid of your feelings.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Sounds like you are really afraid of your feelings.

Yeah, you're right. My emotions almost completely destroyed my life a few years back. They had been buried and repressed and when they finally emerged, it was an explosion. Yep, dangerous they are.

I do realize that I need to start letting them come into the daylight and that's what I've been doing but, wow - it's tough to handle especially just before T goes on vacation.

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by Suratji

In order to not be triggered by emotions during session, the past two weeks I've taken a klonopin in order to stay 'in charge' and detached. I still discuss my emotions and events in my life, but more as a scientist than as the subject. If it weren't so obvious to T, I would prefer to refer to myself in the third person. She doesn't know that I've been taking klonopin.

Oh suratji, I will spare you my opinionizing as you've already said it all here! But IMO it is impossible to take klonopin or any other substance and do therapy at the same time. I know though, sometimes we don't even want therapy, we just want to sit with someone who accepts us. Anyhow.

I hope that you can survive the upcoming break in ur support system ok Please share with her what you are feeling about it. It is ok to feel that way. You are coming so so far. How about telling her about being afraid to run away from home.

[SpiritRunner]

I am thinking of you!
I don't think there is a way to avoid emotional turmoil in therapy if you really want to deal WITH your emotions, find release, find healing, find closure, find insight into your patterns and change them! At least, I haven't found a way to avoid my emotional turmoil.......I give up, really. Might as well go straight through instead of taking a torturous, circuitous route through......maybe trying so hard to withdraw actually makes it more painful, really! Just saying I see that for myself......

[love2drum]

Originally Posted by Suratji

My emotions have gotten so ramped up in therapy that it has been difficult for me to handle them. And, when I told T that learning that she was leaving on vacation, a rush of fear just enveloped my body.

I explained to her that the last time my emotions got so powerful, I did things that almost ruined my life and I see her now as the only thing between me and destruction. So, my emotional brain can't handle that she's going on vacation.

She has given me a month's notice of this break so we've had a chance to talk about it a bit. I told her that just knowing that she is a phone call away helps me cope and gives me security.

Then she asked me a couple of weeks ago, what would she say to me if I called her in an emotional panic. I replied, "I don't know. You're you." And she asked me to imagine what she would say that would help and that I could say the same things to myself.

Later in the day I left her a message and told her that it wouldn't be the words she said but the 'presence' she offered.

Well, in my small brain, I am now interpreting her words to mean that in reality, whether she's here or on vacation, she really can't help me if I'm on an emotional brink.

T has gotten me to experience emotions which I have typically buried or repressed in the past. And now I know that they're there. But, I think I need a new strategy to make a change in myself. I know, I know, everything we read is about tapping into emotions and thereby learning and changing.

But, I'm wondering, now that I've tapped into them, can I now retreat from them a bit, analyze & interpret them with T's help and then try to initiate change from that angle?

In order to not be triggered by emotions during session, the past two weeks I've taken a klonopin in order to stay 'in charge' and detached. I still discuss my emotions and events in my life, but more as a scientist than as the subject. If it weren't so obvious to T, I would prefer to refer to myself in the third person. She doesn't know that I've been taking klonopin.

I did tell her last session that I had this new strategy of withdrawal. She replied that I'm quite good at that. I said that I see no other way for now because I can't handle the emotions. For now, I can contain them. She said the skill is to learn to release them slowly like steam from a tea kettle.

And, although I've been able to contain (to some degree) emotions, I haven't been able to withstand the tidal wave of depression that has descended on me. This is new. Depression must not be an emotion, rather isn't it just a state of being?

So, I have 2 more sessions with T before she goes on vacation. I'm trying desperately not to feel anything about it. Luckily she got me an appointment with a substitute T while she's gone.

Has anyone found success in withdrawal? Can we identify our problems and then solve them without having to go through emotional turmoil?

I don't know, but maybe the point is knowing that you can go through the emotional turmoil and still come out the other side? Otherwise, aren't we just living in fear? Is this what we come to support here in this forum (I'm new here, and certainly don't want to step on toes) just posing the statement....cheerleaders for each other? I know, deep down in my soul that we are all meant to have a healthy, happy life here. Some of us are just struggling to find our way....

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

But IMO it is impossible to take klonopin or any other substance and do therapy at the same time.

I hope that you can survive the upcoming break in ur support system ok Please share with her what you are feeling about it. It is ok to feel that way. You are coming so so far. How about telling her about being afraid to run away from home.

LYIB - Thanks to you I left a message with T confessing that both sessions last week I was 'on' klonopin. I asked her to let me know if it was o.k. to continue for both sessions this week or if she strongly advises me against it.

And, I had already shared with her about my feelings of our short upcoming break and she does know my whole history with 'running'.

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by Suratji

LYIB - Thanks to you I left a message with T confessing that both sessions last week I was 'on' klonopin. I asked her to let me know if it was o.k. to continue for both sessions this week or if she strongly advises me against it.

And, I had already shared with her about my feelings of our short upcoming break and she does know my whole history with 'running'.

Wow just saw this. Good going for telling her. That must have been hard to do. It shows just enormous commitment to giving it 110%. I greatly admire your willingness & I hope it turned out well.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by love2drum

I don't know, but maybe the point is knowing that you can go through the emotional turmoil and still come out the other side? Otherwise, aren't we just living in fear? Is this what we come to support here in this forum (I'm new here, and certainly don't want to step on toes) just posing the statement....cheerleaders for each other? I know, deep down in my soul that we are all meant to have a healthy, happy life here. Some of us are just struggling to find our way....

You are so right. I just wanted to avoid the emotional turmoil. I guess I wanted it to be easier and simpler. Just analyze and all will be well was my motto. I read yesterday that we can think of our rational brain as truly the tip of the iceberg - that is the part we consciously work with but there is so much more under the sea that is actually the bulk of the iceberg. So also, our minds. Our rational part can only do so much.

So, therefore, I changed my mind yesterday about trying to withdraw. I decided to resist the impulse and habit to bury my emotions. It seems that the past week or so of doing that have plunged me into a depression.

So, yesterday, as I was sinking into another dark depressed place, I thought - o.k. - let it come - let the fear be felt; let the anxiety be noticed. Don't try to run from it anymore.

So, for the first time, I really really sat with the emotions. Very uncomfortable, but better than depression. And I felt deep in my body that they originated from a time long ago - as a child. I could sense the long time fear. It has been living with me and I didn't know it. But my actions in life have reflected that fear. I have almost no memory of my childhood but I got a couple of flashes yesterday.

My T has always advised that I sit with the emotions but they are so hard to bear. But, I found that by taking the time to find a quiet place and a quiet time alone, I could just allow them to flow over me and I could manage them.

Today I made an appointment with a somatic therapist who teaches how to pay attention to the body's signals about emotions. I'm excited and nervous what it actually means.

Needless to say, I've decided to not take klonopin anymore before my sessions and to try to not be so scared (or at least, try to walk through the fear).

Thanks everyone for your right-on comments. They have helped me a lot.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Suratji

I changed my mind yesterday about trying to withdraw.

I decided to resist the impulse and habit to bury my emotions.

So, yesterday, as I was sinking into another dark depressed place, I thought - o.k. - let it come - let the fear be felt; let the anxiety be noticed. Don't try to run from it anymore.

So, for the first time, I really really sat with the emotions. Very uncomfortable, but better than depression.

And I felt deep in my body that they originated from a time long ago - as a child. I could sense the long time fear. It has been living with me and I didn't know it. But my actions in life have reflected that fear. I have almost no memory of my childhood but I got a couple of flashes yesterday.

I found that by taking the time to find a quiet place and a quiet time alone, I could just allow them to flow over me and I could manage them.

I've decided to not take klonopin anymore before my sessions and to try to not be so scared (or at least, try to walk through the fear).

WOW! Excellent work Suratji!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know, it is okay to be scared. You can still move forward even though you are scared.

[SpiritRunner]

thinking of you today!
wow, I am impressed you made an appt with a somatic T and will be curious to know how that goes!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

wow, I am impressed you made an appt with a somatic T and will be curious to know how that goes!

I'm curious too. My appointment isn't until May 16th but I am so eager to process emotional stuff that I will supplement my regular therapy with at least one visit with the Somatic Therapist. After reading the book, "Molecules of Emotion", I am very intrigued by how the body holds so much of our personality. I have always lived in my head and have basically ignored the body so this is new new new to me.

Here's a quote from the website:
Somatic Therapy

Somatic therapy uses the body to lead the way to self-understanding. When the so-called thinking mind is quieted, the body reveals a treasury of information, energy, and healing. When we pay attention to our present-time body—posture, expression, gesture; sensations such as tingling, vibrations, pulsations, and temperature shifts; emotions felt as sensations; spontaneous imagery and phrases; impulses to move—we come to greater clarity about emotions and difficult life issues. An added benefit can be freeing up physical tension patterns, chronic conditions, and even trauma.


A generic term that arose during the human potential movement of the 1960's and '70's, "somatic therapy" may refer to any bodywork that sees the bodymind as a whole system and attends to the subtleties of the body. Usually, however, "somatic therapy" means counseling based primarily on body cues rather than talking and personal history.

[Sannah]

Gestault therapy believes in tuning into your body too. I did some Gestault and it was very helpful.