[dizgirl2011]

Hey,

by 'them' I mean your therapists family - husbands, wives, children or their friends?

Is your T married with children or maybe single?

Do you ever think about how your T is with those people in their lives?

How do you feel about those people? - do you not care, do you just accept it, does it make you feel sad or less significant, maybe jealous?

Have you ever met any of these people?

I thought it might be interesting to know people's thoughts

xxx

[Elli-Beth]

I'm actually okay with them now, but I think a few years ago I would have been horribly jealous. I've reached the point where I'm finally not seeking a parental substitute, and he's so not "my type", so no jealousy issues from me.

My only concern is that I worry about calling in off hours because I don't want to be seen as the one interrupts his family time.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I feel a little jealous, but not so much that it bothers me. My T is married and has a child. I'm not at all jealous of the time she spends with them or her friends or whatever. It's more the thoughts that pass through my mind, when I'm talking about my own childhood. I find myself thinking "I bet you'd never do this to your kid. Your child is so lucky to be raised by you." Occasionally I'm jealous of her friends, because, as I've said before, part of me wishes she were my friend. But, the bigger part of me is very grateful she's my T and I wouldn't want to change that for anything. I don't begrudge her the relationships she has in her life...I just think those people are lucky to have a non-therapy related relationship with her.

I don't know if I'm jealous...but I do think her kids are lucky. She is a loving & kind mom, and I never had that.

[Omers]

I met my Ts hubby before they divorced. I found him to be weird. I know she has a child and grandchild... Personally I am just glad I don't have to live with her! (unless maybe I was a cat).
My massage T has two college age kids. They seem to be good kids and I love seeing her with her daughter as they have a beautiful relationship. I have never met her son or seen them together but know they are close. I love to see how her face lights up when she talks about her kids and how proud she is of them.
There is a lot of overlap in the people my T and massage T are friends with. I really enjoy that community of people and hope to be a part of it some day even if I don't get to be friends with T. We have been to a few of the same events. Even sat with her and her hubby before she was my T. I really like it even if we don't interact other than a hug and a "Hi".

[lastyearisblank]

I'm not jealous of my T's anything. She seems nice.

In the past, YES!! It makes me feel bad and I'm not proud of even THINKING of my t in a non-office context because it feels like invading their (imaginary) privacy. But I would absolutely be jealous, and it went both ways.

I was jealous that my T was off giving these people (his family!!!) this profound security.

And I was jealous to think of the people who got to express that love back.. who had valid (non crazy) reasons for feeling it.

The idea of not being in the loop drove me crazy!

Like, hmmm love..... something that's going on.... over there...

Oh and yes I do know 1 person in common with my old T but not that well and very rarely see them.

My t is divorced and has 4 grown children and 5 grandchildren. He has a live-in girlfriend who I keep expecting to hear his is marrying one day. He has pictures of his family in his office and talks about them frequently. They are the joy in his life. I've never felt any jealousy towards any of them. Why would I? They are what make him who he is. They are the rightly the most important people in his life which says to me that he has his priorities in good order.

[sunrise]

No, I have not felt jealousy. His wife sounds really nice, from his description. And also a strong woman. I like that about her, and I like that T appreciates that about her. I had a dream once that T organized a trip to Hawaii for a super cheap rate that the people going could only get if a large group went. So he was inviting all his friends and family, even me. So I went on the trip, and we camped in tents on the beach. It was beautiful. I rarely saw T, though. He was always off somewhere, doing something. But his wife was at camp a lot so we hung out together. In my dream, she was very nice, and we got along well.

My T also has an ex-wife that he has talked about. I have sometimes worried that "I better not act like T's ex-wife or he won't like me." (And he'll divorce me?) I was not jealous of her, though.

I have not met T's wife, but I have met some of his colleagues (some of whom he is friends with) and been with him and them outside of sessions a number of times (he played another professional role for me at one time). I was apprehensive before we did this as I kind of worried that things would be different between us "outside." But it was very reassuring to have T be just the same on the outside as in session. He interacted with other people in his same way. This helped me know beyond doubt that he was being genuine with me in session and not acting a certain "therapist way" just because that was a role he was playing. He is who he is.

Originally Posted by Elli-Beth

My only concern is that I worry about calling in off hours because I don't want to be seen as the one interrupts his family time.

I know what you mean. I would not want to bother my T either outside of his working hours. My T's phone rings to voicemail after office hours, which is good in that sense, because I know I can call at any time and not be bothering him. He will get the message when he is back at work.

for the most part i don't even think about them. he very rarely talks about them. and i am glad

however his wife is the one that answers the phone and to make an appt you gotta talk to her. she wasn't there when i first started and i don't like change much and get triggered by his office staff so i usually now only make appts with t...

[SpiritRunner]

My T is married with a son, about 9 or so. She talks about them from time to time, tells little stories, makes her family seem real to me. I appreciate that. I have no jealousy or envy or any negative feelings toward them at all......what I think about are T's friends, because there was once a time when I would have loved to be her friend someday. But I am content to have the relationship I do and just think that T's family and friends are fortunate to have her.....and I am glad she has them.

[rainbow8]

I've had 5 Ts so my answers vary. But I realize that something is wrong with me when I read that most of you are not jealous of your T's family. I have been very jealous of them (guess that's another indication of BPD).
My first T was single so I didn't have anyone to be jealous of. My second one was divorced. She did therapy in her house so once I saw her son and then I had a dream about him. My next T's husband worked with her. I don't think I was jealous of him.

The biggest problem was with my former T's family. I used to work for her husband before I started therapy and I think I liked him more than I did her. She also did therapy in her home so I'd see her adult children at times. I was very jealous of her daughter for having my T as a mother. I saw them together around my neighborhood. But I was most jealous of my Ts grandchildren when I saw her being affectionate with them once. I froze! I so much wanted to be them at that moment. I may have been out of therapy already by this time, and seeing my T only every few months.

My current T doesn't talk much about her husband, but she has talked about her kids. I'm jealous of them and her husband. When they went on a trip out of the country and I thought about them together, I had a hard time coping with my feelings. I also have a hard time when she talks about her friends, like last session when we talked about saying "I love you" to friends. She said she does, and I said I don't. So, as much as I feel secure about my T caring about me, I'm terribly jealous of her family. It's hard to read what I wrote; I sound awfully messed up.

[swimmergirl]

Rainbow you are not messed up. I think the more you idealize your T as "that perfect person" or the stronger transference is playing into it, the more normal it is to be jealous. With me when I first started going to therapy, I thought my T was this perfect guy, had all the answers, etc. I thought he was one in a million. As I have continued I have realized that he is not perfect, he makes mistakes, and he gets on my nerves sometimes. At first I was a little jealous of his family but now I am not. I am happy he has a family as that makes him more able to withstand my rants and emotional outbursts. However, I am very sad in the respect that I know someday all of this will end and I will never see him again. That makes me wish I could know him outside of therapy, but really what I want is access to him long term as a therapist. I would like to see how he is outside of therapy, he does not self-disclose at all which makes it very tough for me. I think I would be less inclined to be jealous if I saw him in a real life setting. Sometimes I wish we could be friends but then he would not be my T and I would not trade that for anything at all.

[Transcending1]

Am I the only one who has no knowledge of my T's personal life/family? He says absolutely nothing about his personal relationships. I don't think he is married, but I believe he has a girlfriend. I've intuited that he has no children from some of our conversations. It's hard to be jealous of something that you know nothing about, but I'm ticked off at him right now anyways.

[scorpiosis37]

I have only positive feelings towards my T's family. She loves them, so I figure they must be pretty special. She's married, but she's never said a word about her husband. Ever. Now that I think about it that seems strange, as she mentions her children often. I remember when scheduling an appointment around Valentine's Day, she made a negative comment about the holiday- uh oh. T's hubby better be treating her alright! As for her kids, I know they're young-- school age-- and I have no doubt she's a wonderful mother. When she talks about her kids, I can feel how much she loves them and I think it's beautiful. Her kids are incredibly lucky to have her, but I'm not jealous. Though I'm almost surprised I'm not jealous, as I would give anything to have a mom like T-- to know what it's like to have a mom, to be loved and held and taken care of. But I think, through therapy, I've been working through these feelings and getting just enough of my maternal needs met by T to "take the edge off" so that I no longer have those intense, overwhelming, and exposed maternal yearnings. In fact, I realized today-- while bombarded with constant Mother's Day ads-- that I genuinely wanted T to have a good Mother's Day. I've never wanted that for anyone before. Because Mother's Day is so painful for me, it usually hurts to even THINK that anyone else could enjoy Mother's Day-- that there are people out there who have moms and know what it feels like to experience maternal love. But T's changed that for me. As strongly as I feel for T, I'm glad she's my T and that she's not my mom, my friend, or my romantic partner. I like the T relationship just the way it is: I can show up exactly as I am, share anything I want or need to, and get her unconditional support. I don't have to worry about upsetting her, messing up, or not being a good enough daughter, friend, or partner. All I have to be is me.

[granite1]

i also know nothing of my T personal life.i dont seem to have any intrest in knowing.i guess i have been the route of knowing a lot .in fact i ended out living with mt school T the first one i ever had.didnt have the best outcome.i guess i just dont see it as helpfull and a lot of times more pain full in the end.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Is your T married with children or maybe single?
widowed with grown children

Do you ever think about how your T is with those people in their lives?
not really. she tells me a little now and then

How do you feel about those people? - do you not care, do you just accept it, does it make you feel sad or less significant, maybe jealous?
I'm fine with it. In fact I admire people who are very family-oriented, I think it's lovely & honorable thing, & something you see less and less nowadays

Have you ever met any of these people?
no

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by swimmergirl

Rainbow you are not messed up. I think the more you idealize your T as "that perfect person" or the stronger transference is playing into it, the more normal it is to be jealous. With me when I first started going to therapy, I thought my T was this perfect guy, had all the answers, etc. I thought he was one in a million. As I have continued I have realized that he is not perfect, he makes mistakes, and he gets on my nerves sometimes. At first I was a little jealous of his family but now I am not. I am happy he has a family as that makes him more able to withstand my rants and emotional outbursts. However, I am very sad in the respect that I know someday all of this will end and I will never see him again. That makes me wish I could know him outside of therapy, but really what I want is access to him long term as a therapist. I would like to see how he is outside of therapy, he does not self-disclose at all which makes it very tough for me. I think I would be less inclined to be jealous if I saw him in a real life setting. Sometimes I wish we could be friends but then he would not be my T and I would not trade that for anything at all.

Yup that about sums it up for me too!

[WikidPissah]

He's married and has young adult children...I really don't think about them at all. Is that weird? I do get nervous when he calls me back after hours, I think about how I hate when my husband works late and I feel like I am interrupting his family life. Often times if he calls after hours I don't answer, just to keep from feeling like that.

[Elli-Beth]

Rainbow, I was horribly jealous of anyone with a nice family for most of my life until just this last year- that's totally normal. I'm just now at the point where I'm learning to be ok on my own.

Transcending, I know very little about them except little things he's mentioned in the context of a session, like how he acts as a dad when he's angry.

I think there was a time when I was jealous of T's family...because I wanted more of T and they get ALL of T...but now I love hearing about them. He tells me little stories about his daughter or his wife, and I like hearing them. I'm glad that T is in a happy family, and I'm glad I have T to be my T.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey

Great to read everyones answers.

Rainbow, I am much like you, maybe it is a BPD thing that heightens our feelings.

My T is married with two very young kids. She doesnt do self discloser so I know very little about her and she certainly never talks about her family or friends. I do see her for therapy at her home in a room specifically for her therapy clients but appart from the odd toy I have seen (which is rare) there is no signs of the people she lives with, which is probably a good thing for me.
I find it hardest when I think of what my therapist is like as a mum because I imagine her to be everything I want and that makes me feel jealous of her kids who have that. Not jealous in a hateful way but just a sad way. I think it's hardest during breaks in therapy when I imagine what types of activities she might be doing with her family or on special holidays like christmas or easter etc.

I don't think I have ever wanted to be her friend though, although it must be nice to have that type of relationship with her, where she has chosen you to be in her life rather than me paying her to be there for me.

I do try to remind myself that without these people my therapist would not be the person she is and that im sure she has faults too, even as a mother as no one is perfect, but I cannot deny it is hard for me at times.

xxx

[HalfSwede]

I know next to nothing about my T's family. We're really just starting to talk about that. I guess I've blabbered on about myself long enough! I guess it bums me out sometimes that he was able to start a family, and I never felt like I could.

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

I do try to remind myself that without these people my therapist would not be the person she is and that im sure she has faults too, even as a mother as no one is perfect, but I cannot deny it is hard for me at times.

xxx

Absolutely. It's really hard and I kinda wonder if what you and me and perhaps with rainbow's old T have in common is feeling let down in some way. I think it's easier not to feel jealous, if you feel like your relationship with someone is special on its own terms. I know I always compare myself to others and this was part of it!!!

[Suratji]

I know nothing about T's family. I don't know if she's married, if she's gay, if she has children, where she lives, etc. etc.

So, obviously I have no feelings about what I know nothing about.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by Suratji

I know nothing about T's family. I don't know if she's married, if she's gay, if she has children, where she lives, etc. etc.

So, obviously I have no feelings about what I know nothing about.

Perhaps this is the best way!