[WePow]

Well guys, I see my T in less than 24 hours now.
I was very angry at work again and I know I was snapping at customers for the phone support junk I HATE doing. But I no longer even care. I keep thinking I made a mistake not quiting last week when I had the nerve and almost did it.

I am not wanting to go to session though because inside I now feel like it is a total blowing of Ts time that he could spend with someone who could actually be helped. I keep feeling like I make a step forward and then two back. And I feel like T is exhausted with me and so am I.

Today going into work there was a homeless man in the stupid new hidden doorways they have to the building that I have to walk through. I stay on my cell with my S/O because I knew it could be a problem and I was right. The strange thing though is I felt SAFER with that strange man in a CLOSED room at 5AM with no other person around than I feel thinking about going to session!!!!!
What kind of sense does that make?

Just thinking about this makes me feel like I want to cry but more mad.
I told my boss and they are working on how to get that safe for me, but I hate being triggered. And I have to go through that darn door in the morning again.

I came home today from work and my S/O was not here - she got trapped out doing a favor for a friend. And what do I do? Self harm!!! Not much - but still... And why!!!!!! IDK !!!

I hate living like this and don't want to go to any more sessions or bother anyone else ever about my stupid stuff that I can't do anything about.

Sorry ya'll - I had to vent. Thanks for listening.

[WePow]

well T wrote asking if I was ok to move it to Friday

I dont want to do this anymore. I can't even feel my arms - they just went totally numb. ugggg

[granite1]

i can tell you one thing that would make me feel safer with a stranger ...he isnt trying to make me deal with a lot of painfull thoughts and feelings.

i hope you didnt SI bad and dont worry about it i bet you T will be understanding about it.No idea what is going on other than work stuff?

ill be thinking about you tomorrow and i hope you will be able to go to T with an open heart and maybe get some support about what may be going on with the anger and SI

[granite1]

Originally Posted by WePow

well T wrote asking if I was ok to move it to Friday

I dont want to do this anymore. I can't even feel my arms - they just went totally numb. ugggg

can you tell him you would rather not

[googley]

((((((((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I hope that your work gets things sorted out.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by WePow

Well guys, I see my T in less than 24 hours now.
I was very angry at work again and I know I was snapping at customers for the phone support junk I HATE doing. But I no longer even care. I keep thinking I made a mistake not quiting last week when I had the nerve and almost did it.

I am not wanting to go to session though because inside I now feel like it is a total blowing of Ts time that he could spend with someone who could actually be helped. I keep feeling like I make a step forward and then two back. And I feel like T is exhausted with me and so am I.

Today going into work there was a homeless man in the stupid new hidden doorways they have to the building that I have to walk through. I stay on my cell with my S/O because I knew it could be a problem and I was right. The strange thing though is I felt SAFER with that strange man in a CLOSED room at 5AM with no other person around than I feel thinking about going to session!!!!!
What kind of sense does that make?

Just thinking about this makes me feel like I want to cry but more mad.
I told my boss and they are working on how to get that safe for me, but I hate being triggered. And I have to go through that darn door in the morning again.

I came home today from work and my S/O was not here - she got trapped out doing a favor for a friend. And what do I do? Self harm!!! Not much - but still... And why!!!!!! IDK !!!

I hate living like this and don't want to go to any more sessions or bother anyone else ever about my stupid stuff that I can't do anything about.

Sorry ya'll - I had to vent. Thanks for listening.

Hey Wepow,

*huge safe hugs*

When you talk about your therapist it always sounds like you have a very good relationship with them and I bet he he never thinks that you are wasting his time or that you cannot be helped...in fact probably the opposite.

Have you always disliked your job?

It sounds like you are very angry at the moment which can be hard to deal with.

What is it about this weeks session that makes you feel so unsafe? You don't have to say if you don't want to but maybe the reason you don't want to go is why you should.

Here for you

[WePow]

I got other plans I forgot about for Friday and my entire body feels numb and heavy. I don't know when I see him next week. For the first time since I dropped the SU option I am thinking about it again and i hate that a ton. But i keep telling myself that isn't even an option. I am trying to be strong but I feel like a zillion tears are all at the edge of my eyes but too afraid to come out and my throat is closed tight.

[dizgirl2011]

It sounds extremely painful for you at the moment, so much so that SU is a thought for you.

Can you call your T and explain that you really need to see him (even though I know part of you doesn't want to go) and that friday isn't possible? Is Thursdays still a possibility?

xxx

[geez]

((((WePow)))) I have no words just

[ECHOES]

((((WePow)))) Any chance you can get that Thursday session back?

[karebear1]

((((((((((WePow))))))))))

Ya know WePow, for me it takes much more strength to let tears fall then it does to keep them in- just let them fall WePow- It'll be ok. Don't you think it would release some of that tension you're feeling and maybe make things a little more bearable if you did? I know you're feeling frustrated and lonely and overwhelmed, I can feel it in what you write, but you're not alone. You have T, even if you're not in his physical presence, he's still with you. You have written so many wonderful, loving things about him. You two have a very special relationship. And you have so many peoploe here that love you and care about you and want to see you happy and healthy. You have your SO who cares so much about you that she'll talk to you at 5am to make sure you're doing ok on your way to work.

WePow- It makes me sad to think that someone that has helped so many people here is struggling so badly right now. I feel kinda helpless and I know my words aren't poetic or motivational or necessarily helpful, but, they are from my heart. Please don't be sad. There really are lots and lots of people here that care about you. I hope you feel better really soon.

[*doodles*]

I 2nd what Karebear said. I am so sorry you are feeling so down, and I wish I had words to make it better. Can you let T know what is going on so he can possibly fit you in somewhere?
Just know we are all here for you!!

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by WePow

I am not wanting to go to session though because inside I now feel like it is a total blowing of Ts time that he could spend with someone who could actually be helped. I keep feeling like I make a step forward and then two back. And I feel like T is exhausted with me and so am I.

This is how YOU are feeling WePow, not how HE is feeling. His reality is probably very different. Please tell your T not to move your session. Can you express your feelings and your need in words, instead of SI-ing and suffering in silence. He asked you, he didn't just move it, so there's a good chance you can have your session if you just tell him that you need it right now.

[WePow]

Originally Posted by granite1

i can tell you one thing that would make me feel safer with a stranger ...he isnt trying to make me deal with a lot of painfull thoughts and feelings.

i hope you didnt SI bad and dont worry about it i bet you T will be understanding about it.No idea what is going on other than work stuff?

ill be thinking about you tomorrow and i hope you will be able to go to T with an open heart and maybe get some support about what may be going on with the anger and SI

(((Granite))) That makes so much sense!! Thank you TONS for saying this! Yep!!! I do see how I would fear time with T when it 'makes' me have to face that inner pain. UGGGG!

As it is, last night after I went to bed, I had a very bad flashback of another of the very deep trauma memories that I had hidden away. In fact, it is an event that "created" my 8yr old Alter "Little One" ... I actually was fighting to take in air and holding my breath as I was going through that pain of processing. That is where the anger comes from and the SI urges - from the event at work yesterday AM because the scene of the hallways and doors and small room and strange man were all the setting of that event. ugggg!!!!!

Originally Posted by googley

((((((((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I hope that your work gets things sorted out.

(((Googley))) Thank you oso much! I like doing the work most of the time. It is just the phone product that I hate. I am a computer nerd, not a telephone jockey. My boss keeps trying to tell me the telephone is just a computer but I beg to differ! You can't take a screenshot of your telephone screen or get valid info on why it is behaving like a jerk.
And people want phones fixed NOW as soon as they call - because they used to phones working. They hate it when the phone doesn't work. They understand when the computer crashes or the internet is down. But not the phone. I NEED to get another job, but all technology is going this same direction. I am a dino I think.

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

Hey Wepow,

*huge safe hugs*

When you talk about your therapist it always sounds like you have a very good relationship with them and I bet he he never thinks that you are wasting his time or that you cannot be helped...in fact probably the opposite.

Have you always disliked your job?

It sounds like you are very angry at the moment which can be hard to deal with.

What is it about this weeks session that makes you feel so unsafe? You don't have to say if you don't want to but maybe the reason you don't want to go is why you should.

Here for you

((((DG)))) I likes work just fine for years. Just these changes are way too much into stuff I don't like at all. I am outdated as a techy. And the fact that I HATE change is making this daily work thing murderous for me!

I didn't have any sessions yet this week - which is why I need to see T today. But Granite nailed it - I don't feel safe because I have to face this deep terror from the trauma. It hurts like heck to go into sessions. It hurts to work through that type of agony. But I know I have to do it in order to heal. But it still hurts!

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

It sounds extremely painful for you at the moment, so much so that SU is a thought for you.

Can you call your T and explain that you really need to see him (even though I know part of you doesn't want to go) and that friday isn't possible? Is Thursdays still a possibility?

xxx

Originally Posted by geez

((((WePow)))) I have no words just

(((((((Geez)))))))) thank you. Sometimes that is exactly what I need most!

Originally Posted by ECHOES

((((WePow)))) Any chance you can get that Thursday session back?

((((Echoes)))) I wrote T last night and he said it was no problem and he would see me today !!! YIPPIE !!!! I thought I let him down and wrote back and told him I hated to let him down - of course my soul could not contain the pain any longer so by that time I was a mess of tears. uggggg. He wrote me back and said I was NOT letting him down and he looked forward to seeing me today.

Originally Posted by karebear1

((((((((((WePow))))))))))

Ya know WePow, for me it takes much more strength to let tears fall then it does to keep them in- just let them fall WePow- It'll be ok. Don't you think it would release some of that tension you're feeling and maybe make things a little more bearable if you did? I know you're feeling frustrated and lonely and overwhelmed, I can feel it in what you write, but you're not alone. You have T, even if you're not in his physical presence, he's still with you. You have written so many wonderful, loving things about him. You two have a very special relationship. And you have so many peoploe here that love you and care about you and want to see you happy and healthy. You have your SO who cares so much about you that she'll talk to you at 5am to make sure you're doing ok on your way to work.

WePow- It makes me sad to think that someone that has helped so many people here is struggling so badly right now. I feel kinda helpless and I know my words aren't poetic or motivational or necessarily helpful, but, they are from my heart. Please don't be sad. There really are lots and lots of people here that care about you. I hope you feel better really soon.

((((((((((Karebear)))))))))) thank you very deeply. I did end up letting the tears fall - they forced their way out! It hurt badly to feel that flashback. But I lived through the soul pain. I still have some residual emotion from it, but not the agony that was last night. Thank you again!!

Originally Posted by doodle3609

I 2nd what Karebear said. I am so sorry you are feeling so down, and I wish I had words to make it better. Can you let T know what is going on so he can possibly fit you in somewhere?
Just know we are all here for you!!

(((((Doodle))))) I am happy I get to see my T afterall today!

Originally Posted by Oceanwave

This is how YOU are feeling WePow, not how HE is feeling. His reality is probably very different. Please tell your T not to move your session. Can you express your feelings and your need in words, instead of SI-ing and suffering in silence. He asked you, he didn't just move it, so there's a good chance you can have your session if you just tell him that you need it right now.

((((Oceanwave)))))) Thank you for helping me see that cognitive distortion of mind reading! You are right, that is my projection of feelings on him.

Well guys, I am off to work now. Thank you all so much again!

[granite1]

glad you get to see your T today still.thought if you asked it would be ok thimking of you today

[lastyearisblank]

good good goood!!! so glad you are seeing him today. sending you 's

[karebear1]

Good for you for telling T what you really needed even though you thought you were letting him down. I'm glad you're going to see him today. Hope it goes well for you and tht you can feel a good connection to help with the pain. (((((WePow)))))

[SpiritRunner]

so glad you can go today, thinking of you with tons of safe hugs. I am so sorry it was so hard......

[Splintered]

I'm so glad you still get to see t today. It does really hurt to deal with this past stuff - I'm sorry you have to go through it. Try and be gentle with yourself - you write such lovely, supportive posts to other people, try and turn some of that inwards if you can. I know easier said than done!

[Sannah]

I'm glad that you figured that out WePow.

Next time that you feel really bad can you remember that something probably came up that you need to work through?

[karebear1]

So WePow.... did you get to see T yet? How did it go?

[ECHOES]

I am so glad T was able to see you!! yay!

[nannypat]

I am glad things worked out for you.

[WePow]

((((All)))) I saw my T. My alters were there with me and I was able to help coach them (those parts of me) through session. T helped out tons of course.
One alter (Mick) laid down on the couch and almost curled up and just cried and cried holding a pillow. I was watching myself from above and was thinking "UGG! Get up! How many other tears are in that pillow!!!!"

But that alter trusted T and T told her it was safe to show me the most hidden and locked up part of the trauma. I was having flashbacks last night and had an idea of what I thought happened but it was locked away too deep. I was kinda surprised by the details because it helps me understand some of my issues about the hallway and doors. And I totally get why yesterday at work made me so terrified.

My T was very compassionate and right there with me emotionally. I am still in shock a bit because this was huge. It was actually the event that made "Mick" split from me.

I am exhausted now. very deeply exhausted. But T is right. You only have to fully process these things once. And that one held a whole TON of pain.

[Sannah]

Good work WePow!