[peaches100]

My h and I went to a Jewish deli for the first time about 1 month ago, and i noticed alot of things on the menu that i couldn't pronounce and didn't know what they were. So since my t is Jewish, I asked her on one of my sessions what some of the Jewish foods were. As she was telling me, we got on the subject of matzoh balls. She told me she was going to be making some for an upcoming holiday and (what I heard was), "I'll bring you one when I make them so you can see what they taste like. Here (reaching for her I-phone). I'll even set an alarm to go off so I'll be reminded."

So. . .I email her on Monday, and she replies saying, "Please understand that I'm not at work. I'm at home preparing for a holiday. We'll have to address your question at the next session."

Well. . .I was grateful that she let me know, but I wondered. . .if she's going to reply anyway, why not just answer the question i had. So i felt kind of put off.

So anyway. . .I go on my session yesterday, and we talk about how I felt kind of hurt that she didn't reply to the question I'd asked in my email. I told her (I've said this to her a few times) that she has been gone so much of the time, that I've had a hard time adjusting to her not being there for support. (She has taken off 4 weeks off since beg. of December, and has 3 more weeks planned for May and July). She said, "Well, I know i told you that i had a holiday coming up because we talked about matzoh balls, remember?" And I said, Yes. But she didn't give me a matzoh ball, and didn't mention anything about it. I didn't want to put her on the spot and ask, "So, did you bring me one?" So I just stayed quiet about it. I thought maybe when the session ended and I got ready to go, she'd give it to me. But she never did.

So today, it was sort of bothering me. I felt like she'd forgotten about me. (My biggest trigger is feeling unimportant/invisible/forgotten). So i emailed and asked her if she was going to give me a matzoh ball or if i had misunderstood?

She replied with, "What I said was that i would bring you one if there were any left over. There were not. I'll bring you one the next time i make them."

Would you feel bad????

[Suratji]

I would feel totally hurt.

[NexIncrebesco]

I wouldn't mind that much but your T should have been more clear with you.

[lastyearisblank]

That would depress me a little. Not just the matzoh ball part but the part about there not being any left over.

[SpiritRunner]

I would probably feel sad she didn't remember, yes.....it sure sounds like she WAS thinking of bringing you one in the first place, but seemingly didn't remember!

[Liam Grey]

I would surely feel hurt. She seriously promised this to you, and then she forget about it giving it not so much importance.

Maybe she didn't realize how much important was that for you. You should point that out to her IMHO.

[karebear1]

I would feel hurt and forgotten.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by peaches100

My h and I went to a Jewish deli for the first time about 1 month ago, and i noticed alot of things on the menu that i couldn't pronounce and didn't know what they were. So since my t is Jewish, I asked her on one of my sessions what some of the Jewish foods were. As she was telling me, we got on the subject of matzoh balls. She told me she was going to be making some for an upcoming holiday and (what I heard was), "I'll bring you one when I make them so you can see what they taste like. Here (reaching for her I-phone). I'll even set an alarm to go off so I'll be reminded."

So. . .I email her on Monday, and she replies saying, "Please understand that I'm not at work. I'm at home preparing for a holiday. We'll have to address your question at the next session."

Well. . .I was grateful that she let me know, but I wondered. . .if she's going to reply anyway, why not just answer the question i had. So i felt kind of put off.

So anyway. . .I go on my session yesterday, and we talk about how I felt kind of hurt that she didn't reply to the question I'd asked in my email. I told her (I've said this to her a few times) that she has been gone so much of the time, that I've had a hard time adjusting to her not being there for support. (She has taken off 4 weeks off since beg. of December, and has 3 more weeks planned for May and July). She said, "Well, I know i told you that i had a holiday coming up because we talked about matzoh balls, remember?" And I said, Yes. But she didn't give me a matzoh ball, and didn't mention anything about it. I didn't want to put her on the spot and ask, "So, did you bring me one?" So I just stayed quiet about it. I thought maybe when the session ended and I got ready to go, she'd give it to me. But she never did.

So today, it was sort of bothering me. I felt like she'd forgotten about me. (My biggest trigger is feeling unimportant/invisible/forgotten). So i emailed and asked her if she was going to give me a matzoh ball or if i had misunderstood?

She replied with, "What I said was that i would bring you one if there were any left over. There were not. I'll bring you one the next time i make them."

Would you feel bad????

Yes I would feel very upset if my T talked to me in this way and acted like she was allowed to say and do what she wanted towards me and that I was not allowed to question it without getting a negative reaction. I think it's understandable that you felt the way you did.
If she said she was going to give you one of these Matzoh balls then she should have done so, I doubt it would have been hard for her to set one aside for you or make an extra one for you, if she had already made the suggestion she would give you one!
When she said "I'll bring you one when I next make them" I think in your situation I would have felt like saying "Don't bother!! I don't need to wait for you to decide to remember me next time!! Just don't tell me you will do something and then react bad when i question you for not keeping to your word".

I think she could have answered your question a bit nicer even via the email. Sometimes T don't want to answer questions Via text or email as they feel it's important to really talk about it face to face but all she needed to say was something like, "I understand this is important to you, so if it's ok I think we should wait to talk about it together at our next session"......not talking about how shes preparing for a holiday - as if that is more important than you. I would be very hurt.

Do you think you could address these issues with her? I know you tried to with the email and she even responded to that by turning it back on you but I think you need to be very direct with her and not let her make you feel you are in the wrong here because she is involved in your theraputic relationship!

[peaches100]

I probably should be more precise. I looked back at her message, and this is how she said it. . .

Yes, I did say I would bring matzoh balls if there were any left. there weren't. I'll bring them next time I make them, gladly. It's always nice to try something new.

Does that make it seem any better?

She's usually careful with me in how she words things because she knows i'm super sensitive and get my feelings hurt easy. She also knows that one of my main issue is emotional neglect by my parents as a kid.

That's what puzzles me about her. I see that she tries hard in alot of ways to make me feel special or worthy and NOT make me feel the way my folks did. But like a Murphy's Law, she always ends up saying or doing something that feels similar. We've had numerous ruptures, nearly all of them because of something she said or did that hurt my feelings and made me feel unimportant. Most of the time, i can see where I'm misinterpreting what she does, and that she does not intend what she does to make me feel that way. But at times, I just think that she should "know better" how i am, so as not to do things like this with the matzoh balls!


But what's so odd most times when we've had ruptures -- it is because she has said or done something (or not said or done it), and it has made me feel unimportant.

yes that feels sad and hurt to me

[ECHOES]

The feeling unimportant comes from within you. Are you taking advantage of times like this to explore that?

I also get my feelings hurt easily and always have. But I am getting better about it, not because T is careful with me but because she helps me see a broader perspective than the one that creates the hurt feelings. And I've been able to take that outside of therapy too. Sometimes it takes a while for the broader perspective to come to mind, and in the meantime I'm miserable, but at least now I'm finding my way to it.

I would have a hard time with all the time off your T has been taking recently. That is too much disruption for me. I admire that you can do that!

How did you feel about knowing that she was sharing an intimate holiday with her family that day?

[Elana05]

I would feel hurt too. Anyway, there doesn't need to be a reason for feelings. They just are. You are justified in having all of the feelings you do have. And further, you are totally allowed to tell her she hurt your feelings. If I am reading you right, it is like you felt a connection to her, but then it got taken away.

[alakazam]

I am a bit on the fence with this one. Frankly, she seems to come off as a bit flippant about your feelings. I think that she certainly could have handled her words with a bit more care, especially since she is aware of how you feel about being neglected.

[PTSDlovemycats]

I would definitely be hurt by that.

[nannypat]

I would feel hurt too.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I probably should be more precise. I looked back at her message, and this is how she said it. . .
Yes, I did say I would bring matzoh balls if there were any left. there weren't. I'll bring them next time I make them, gladly. It's always nice to try something new.

Does that make it seem any better?

It does seem like she was a bit nicer in her reply than maybe you first thought when you reflected on what she said exactly...although i still wonder why she couldn't have just made an extra one for you....Therapists are strange ppl sometimes

[WePow]

I am so sorry that your feelings are hurt by this. Be honest and let T know how this made you feel.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Yes, I did say I would bring matzoh balls if there were any left. there weren't. I'll bring them next time I make them, gladly. It's always nice to try something new.

Well she still says she will bring them "next time" and does not add the qualifier "if" there are any left.

I completely understand your disappointment. I would feel the same.

[granite1]

yes i would be hurt and a little angry because you asked about the food you didnt ask for any .she offered.and then didnt.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I would be hurt and let down, nobody likes to feel like they were forgotten. I know T's have their own lives and that needs to be respected, but sometimes I don't think they realize what a profound impact they have on us. It might just be words to them, but for me anyways, sometimes it's a lifeline.

I would feel very hurt. I count on my T to do what she's promised. I'd feel even more hurt that she didn't even then apologise for not remembering, and made it sound as if you were being demanding... Sorry you're feeling so disconnected right now

Therapists are people. All people at times disappoint.

After being told I misunderstood on a number of occasions, I began stating my understanding of what I heard from my therapist seeking confirmation I had heard correctly.

I also tried to make it clear from the start I expected to be active participant in formulating my treatment plan. If I did not think the treatment I was receiving was helpful, I said so.

For the most part, my interaction with my therapists was quite harmonious. While being my own best advocate was/is important to me, I understood how counterproductive it is to have your therapist spending a lot of time defending him/herself.

Just the same, if I did not feel a connection with the therapist, I moved on.

peaches100, my hope is that you do not hesitate to ask questions. The goal of therapy is to benefit you. You likely will achieve a better result in therapy by advocating for yourself.

Good luck.

[doogie]

Since one of my biggest triggers, like you, is feeling forgotton, etc. - yes - I would be hurt.

[ladyjrnlist]

Well, I think you are reading too much into it and playing into your issues of feeling forgotten.
On the other hand, she should have brought you one. She could have saved one. The holiday text was her just setting a boundary she felt she needed to set, I think.
Try to shrug it off. Don't bring her a cupcake the next time you make some to get even. Tell her how good they were.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by ladyjrnlist

Well, I think you are reading too much into it and playing into your issues of feeling forgotten.
On the other hand, she should have brought you one. She could have saved one. The holiday text was her just setting a boundary she felt she needed to set, I think.
Try to shrug it off. Don't bring her a cupcake the next time you make some to get even. Tell her how good they were.

YES

I would be a leetle sad, but not overly hurt. I mean therapist is not your BFF... and I admit I often promise something and forget it (sending postcards from places, bringing people books or stuff).

So don't take it too personally. It was probably huge family gathering for the holiday... she did not do "forget" you intentionally.

It makes it sometimes hard to think that we are not the only one person in someone's life... but it is so. Sometimes it's hard to balance all people in your life too...