Would This Hurt Your Feelings?

This isn't really about your t intentionally hurting you. This is about your old issues coming into play mixed up with a really very innocent current event. You said yourself that she really works hard to make you feel good and take care of you. Sure she will mess up once and a while. Everyone does. Let it go. It wasn't meant to hurt you at all. You have chosen to take it that way.

When we have strong emotions regarding T, even though they are painful, they are opportunities for growth. Sometimes it is the things that seem "little" that make the helpful things to experience in therapy. IMHO nothing is too small. When I first went in to see my therapist I had issues regarding how the shades were drawn in her office. (I like the shades closed but she has plants that get in the way. When she chooses her plants over me, I feel hurt). I am still working on issues with this. These smaller things represent larger things in our lives and by working on these "smaller" things we are really giving ourselves the opportunity to work on the "larger" things. Everything that brings up strong emotion with your T is good to discuss, though again not always easy. That's how I feel about it.

E

WHen we have unresolved, painful issues they get triggered up. This is an opportunity to work on those unresolved painful issues. It really is possible to work beyond getting triggered.

Suratji,

Thanks for letting me know how you'd feel.

NexIncrebesco,

Thanks. I thought she had been clear . . .I'm 90% sure of what i heard. But t says i misunderstood, so maybe i did.

Lastyearisblank,

Yes, it hurt me that she didn't take the time to save one back for me. She just let everybody eat them up and probably thought, "Oh well. No biggie."

Poetgirl,

I wonder if she forgot too. She told me a different story -- that she had only planned to bring me one if any leftovers -- but it sure didn't seem that way to me. . .since she put it on her blackberry and set an alarm to remind her. I don't want to think she lied to me though. If she did lie to me, i think it's because she knows how hurt I would be, since i've told her many times that my fear is that she forgets me between appts.

Liamgray,

I did email and tell her that i thought she had promised, and that it hurt to know she was only going to give me one if there were leftovers that nobody else wanted. It made me feel like all i deserve is leftovers. . .but I'm not sure if i should talk to her about it when i have my next session. I feel like i should "drop it" now because she's done so many other things for me. I'm always making a big deal out of something and feeling hurt. But internally, i don't know if i can "let it go."

Karebear1,

Thank you for letting me how how you'd feel in my situation.

I would feel kinda hurt if in fact, as you mentioned, what you 'heard' her say was she was going to bring you one. But she seemed a bit blunt in response, so it would have hurtmy feelings. Hang in there

In DBT, it's called radical acceptance. There are just some things in life that we have to accept for what they are.

I understand why you are feeling so bad about this. It is sad that she didn't qualify her statement when she made it initially.....but NOW you know that her implication when she says that she will bring you something is that it only means if there is anything left over. Many times people hold internal implications inside because it's just what they have lived with all their lived & think that because it's always been something that they have realized as their reality, it's not the same for others.

Passover is a huge family celebration....it doesn't surprise me that with her trying to get everything ready for it & focusing on the huge celebration that remembering to save you a matzoh ball was not high on her memory at the time.

I do think that next time she offers to bring you something like that, I would make the comment "you mean, only if there are leftovers!!!!" so that there isn't the misunderstanding the next time since it seems to NOT me something that she is used to qualifying her comments with. Clear communication is very important even for a T because it's the implied things that tend to be the things that hurt others.

Right now, my stomach is just hurting! I've emailed my t like 4 times about this matzoh ball thing, and i feel really guilty. I'm guilty of expecting too much from her too. I now feel bad for having made an issue, as i seem to always make an issue and get hurt over something my t says or does! She has told me that it feels like she can't do anything right for me -- no matter what she does, i get upset and hurt. To some degree, i know that it is true. But i seem not to be able to "help it." She says things to make me feel valuable and that she cares. . .but right on the heels of it, she says or does something that (to me) indicates the opposite . . .that i am unimportant.

It's a pattern for me that anytime I start to feel hopeful and good about the t relationship, something happens right afterward to upset and hurt me. I honestly can't tell if I am the one doing this purposely because i am just too scared to hope that my t truly cares for me, and i don't want to let myself feel good or let good feelings inside of connection, because i don't want to set myself up for hurt. Or if my t is the one who, after we have a good, connecting moment, just manages to say/do something (subconsciously) to interfere with that connection, so that i get hurt and pull back. I know she believes it is me that is doing this (and this is probably the correct interpretation). But if so, my t has an odd knack for picking the exact wrong time to act in a way that triggers my feelings of rejection.

I'm becoming more and more concerned about this repetitive pattern of drawing close and connecting, followed by an almost immediate rupture. It's hard to tease apart what (if anything) my t has done to contribute to my hurt feelings and that she should take responsibility or apologize for. . .and what part of the problem i am causing. When i try to analyze it logically, i seem to be able to make a case either way. And that's what is so confusing.

In any case, i feel guilty now, and that it must be my fault because i know my t is a very good, caring t who has many times said and done things to show her caring. So it must be me who keeps messing things up. I can't understand why she can do 10 things that make me feel valued and good, but then she will say or do 1 thing that hurts, and it will feels like it counteracts all the previous good things and makes them null and void.

There are times i get so tired of this endless repetition, and seeing how it feels nearly impossible to stop my automatic negative behaviors. I have considered just quitting therapy because i've been with my t for years and it doesn't seem like i've made enough progress, despite both of us working really hard in therapy. The one thing that makes me feel good is that my husband says he sees progress. it has been slow, but he definitely sees it. But in the meantime, i feel like i am wearing my t out, and her good will, with my constant nit picking and getting hurt feelings. I don't know how to stop doing this.

I just emailed her that i feel bad for making such a big deal out of things, and i want to bring us some tea this week when i come to my session because i want to make it up to her. Even this feels like a pattern to me (getting my feelings hurt, telling the other person how i feel, and then feeling bad and guilty for saying anything, and feeling the need to apologize or correct my mistake.)

Gosh, sometimes i just feel too broken to possibly get straightened out.

Peaches I could have written almost every word of this... i hope it helps a little to hear that someone really gets what you are going through, i do get it. hang on ....

you are working hard, consciously and subconsciously. it's difficult work.

i get this a lot from my T sometimes i dont even know what is right .like i will think she said something and she will say she didnt say anything of the sort.but i dont taqlk much so it is easy to remember what was said unless i am just making things up in my head .she also says i also forget things that she says when i am convinced she never said thwm.crazy making a lot of times in fact most of the time i just let it go and say it is what it is and whatever it is past

Something that's been really hard for me to learn with T is that it's not black and white....I've had a lot of closeness followed by ruptures, too, and I know how painful and confusing it is.

What I'm slowly slowly learning is that T's "misses" don't undo the good things he's done. I'm learning that he can care deeply for me AND make really stupid mistakes that hurt my feelings. One doesn't cancel out the other.

I love my kids SO much, and I would do anything for them. AND I make mistakes. The mistakes I make don't change the caring I feel for them. They don't change how much I love them. I'm just human, and we're together all the time, and I'm going to have a lot of chances to make mistakes.

T told me recently when we had a bunch of painful misses in a row that BECAUSE our relationship is so intimate, because we work SO closely together, there are simply more opportunities for "misses". If I saw him once a month for an hour, we'd probably have less misunderstandings than if I see him every week for 2 1/2 hours, and have lots of contact in between. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the level of contact we have...it just means that we have more chances for success AND for mistakes.

What if you think about it this way? I love my T. And I make mistakes in my T relationship. The mistakes I make don't change how I feel about him. I'm just human. T is just human.

I don't know if that helps, because I know it's hard to really OWN that when you're feeling so unsure...it's hard for me too when I'm feeling unsure...but I do think it's the truth.

Peaches, when a person has issues they will be triggered up. Work on the issues that are being triggered up.............

Hey peaches,

*huge hugs* - I understand how it feels to be in a similar position of wanting so much to feel close, accepted and important to my T and then something happening to make me feel so rejected and disappointed and also then somtimes feeling angry about it, then reacting on it and regretting it. I used to do it a lot but I have managed to get it under control a bit more. For me it was part of my Borderline Personality Disorder, I don't know if you also suffer from this or not , and ive had to become aware of reacting in ways that hurt me and trying to accept the reality of the professional relationship which seems almost impossible for me at times. Also it doesn't stop these things happening either.

It does sounds a bit insensitive for your T to say that she feels she can't do anything right for you because really it's not about that, its just that you are sensitive to anything that might be seen as abandonment or perceived rejection.

The issue here isn't really about the matzoh ball and I think we all understand that, it's the fact she let you in personally to her world and offered you a piece of it in the form of this food item. That felt good. Then she ruined this feeling by first answering you in a rather cut manner by text and forgetting to bring you what she said she would - both would easily impact your feeling of importance to her and then to make it worse she made it out that she was only going to give you left overs if there was any which there wasn't. All of this really does send out the wrong message to the client and I really do think it's understandableyou feel hurt.

Possibly to her she didn't think it would be a big deal if you got a matzoh ball or not because it was just for the curiousity of tasting it but as a T I would have thought she would be tuned in to what this type of interaction would mean for a client. I don't think she really understands this.

I think you should leave the emails for now and see if she replies..she may not as she may want to talk about it in person. At the next session prepare what you want to say, maybe explain what you did in your last post and see if she can understand your feelings. It doesn't need to feel like an argument, it's just two people trying to come to a better understanding of one another.

huge huggglesss!!

I've been thinking about this..... can I make a suggestion?...
not sure if it would be of help but, here goes....

there are times when stress/anxiety can lead us down the negative road-- and sometimes, especially if coming from childhood upsets(like relationship dysfunctions)-- it can be all encompassing, driving our every thought. That "negative" stress can hold us so tight that it's ALL we experience and see. the negative-- we think it's keeping us safe-- focusing on that-- but it's really just keeping us stuck and upset.

..... like take for example-when your parents were at a party and left, driving you and your sister around till you fell asleep and then just returned to the party and layed you both down in a foreign room.... of which you woke up and panicked(understandably so).... as a child it's scary to wake up in a place we don't know.
BUT-- now--
as an adult one could look at it as-- gee the parents were concerned enough to go driving around till the girls fell asleep-- they thought of the girls needing to get their sleep-- that is thoughtful of them. (they could have just slapped them and told them to go lay down somewhere) They did have the child's interest at heart at that moment(maybe NOT the best thing to do but they did have some thought about them)... they just goofed up the end part-- but NOT intentional.

One could look at this situation and just see the panic of the child and think the whole situation was ALL bad. --what bad parents
And yet one could think of the thoughtfulness of the parents leaving the party, getting in the car with kids, driving around till the kids fell asleep then carfully carrying them into a room and laying them on a bed in a nice warm room and think it was ALL good-- what good parents.
just that.......
there is good AND bad here.
As there is with just about EVERY single relationship.(minus horrific abuse, of course)
The work within one's self is to tally up the "good" stuff in a relationship and then tally up the "bad" and if there is more for the good --then it might be worthwhile to give that person a break when they have made a *goof*.
I'm presently working on this-- trying to see the good in the relationship and trying to trust that the bad will be drowned out by the good. It's very hard-- one has to trust a lot.....phew is it ever hard.

fins

Thanks for validating my feelings, Carebear.

Hidizgirl2011,

You got it! That is exactly how i felt -- when she told me she wouldn't reply because she was getting ready for a holiday, I wish she would have said something to validate my feelings. . . like "I know this is important to you, and we'll discuss this at our next opportunity,". . .anything like that. But she didn't. Just said she couldn't. And then with the matzoh ball thing, i don't understand why she didn't just save me out one after she made them. She may have thought there would be leftovers and she would just take one out for me then, but still, it wasn't putting any kind of priority on it at all. It would have been better if she had never offered to bring me on in the first place.

I told her via email that i had misunderstood and thought she was definitely planning to bring me one, but now i realize she was only going to give me one if there were leftovers nobody else wanted. I said that is different, and i would not feel comfortable accepting it under those circumstances because i feel unimportant and unworthy anyway, and that would just make me feel like i was last plave and only worth the remains, like a dog begging for crumbs at the table.

I also told her it made me feel bad because when i start getting produce from my garden, i immediately think about bringing her some, and i pick out the nicest ones for her, the ones without any bruises or blemishes. It makes me so happy to give them to her because i feel grateful for her help. And i never expect her to give me a gift in return, i just want to do it. But when she offered me something, and then didn't bring it, and was only going to offer me leftovers anyway, it just played into my feelings of being unimportant and worthless. And this happened right after a session where she had told me that she doesn't forget about me between sessions, that she keeps me "right here" (motioning to her heart). She knows i have very bad rejection triggers and worry about her forgetting about me. So i couldn't understand how she could then go and do this matzoh ball thing.

It also reminded me of something that happened with a former friend of mine, who had been sort of a mother figure to me (long story, it ended badly). I used to go the florist and spend an hour or more picking out bouquets for her. I would try different things together and swap out different flowers until the bouquet felt just perfect to me for expressing my love and thanks. Then I'd buy it and have it delivered. I did it maybe 5 times, and she always seemed to love them. And my heart just felt fantastic when i gave her those flowers. And, again, i didn't want her to buy me a gift in return, i didn't expect it (and she didn't). But one day, i saw some pretty flowers in her garden, and i said, "Wouldn't it be fun to exchange flowers from our gardens with each other?" and without a heartbeat, she replied, "All my cut flowers go to my mother-in-law."

I said "Oh, OK" like it was no big deal. But i remember how my heart dropped when she said that. Here i had bought her all those beautiful flowers because i wanted to and thought her friendship was worth it. But I wasn't worth even one flower from her garden. What made it feel all the worse was that she had told me on many occasions that she didn't even like her mother-in-law and that she was never grateful for anything. Still, she would rather give her flowers to her than to me.

I have this habit of attaching to people who don't attach the same to me. I always seem to think more of them and love them more, and it's not reciprocated. And that's how this matzoh ball thing with t felt to me. Deep down, i know my t cares for me, and she has shown it in other ways. But this was just "one more time" in my life when i felt invisible and forgettable. And with t -- she's only like the 3rd person in my whole life that i've ever risked getting really close to because i have been hurt so much and fear rejection so much. I've let her mean so much to me, too much i think. So when i feel that she's forgotten me or I'm not important to her, it really hurts my heart.

You're very welcome Peaches. Hope things start looking up soon.

The matzoh balls and the flowers, these are the triggers. You can focus on these and analyze and analyze until you drive yourself crazy. It is a circle and it is hard to get off. What you could focus on that would help you is "What are these triggers reminding me of from my parents"? Focusing on these root causes is what is going to get you some mileage. These are the issues which need to be focused on which will actually get you somewhere. The flowers and the mahzoh balls will not get you anywhere. Go to the source, the seed of the issues.

I can be upset about the dandelion out in my yard and choose to just keep addressing the flowers that keep growing on it, pulling them off each time. That dandelion isn't going to go away at all until I pull it up by the root.

Hey,

how are you feeling today? Has there been anymore correspondance with your Therapist?

I agree that it would have been better for her not to say she would do something and not do it, especially without apologising and not even trying to understand how you might feel because of HER actions. She really should be able to understand how this must come across to a client who is sentive to rejection.

At this stage I think if she at least tried to understand how this felt and apologised for not being clear and misleading you or forgetting you (either isn't nice)then it would be a good way to try and calm down the situation.

For me if someone was going to bring me "leftovers" I would not even want to eat it, its very off putting to say the least, never mind the messages it sends to you.

You may have to prepare yourself that she could say that she would rather you didn't bring her your generous gift of fresh produce from your garden anymore as it may confused things when situations like this arise. I am not saying that what you are saying isn't valid as it definately is but this might be how she will react so you need to prepare for that as I know it may come as further rejection for you.

It's really sad what happened with your friend, I can understand how you feel as I find I get easily attached to certain people (usually caring professionals) and I am sensitive to rejection and abandonment also.. so I know how painful it is.*hugs*

I think when we are senstive to any type of rejection or feeling of being uncared about it is hard for us to accept when people do these things, especially if its someone who we have trust in.

I just hope that you and your T can work through this and that maybe even your relationship will be stronger because of it

SarahMichelle,

Thank you very much for your input.

Echoes,

This feeling of worthlessness does come from inside me. I do see how that is true. But it feels like people (including t) do things that validate my sense of worthlessness, such as spacing me out or ignoring me; in effect, showing that i AM the way i feel inside. I do think that i probably am oversensitive to this. But it doesn't feel like i am making it all up. People really have treated me as unimportant in life -- not just my parents. My boss even shut off the lights and the printer when she went home for the day, not knowing i was even still here!

And one time at a bookstore, my mom and sister were huddled together deciding what books they wanted to trade in older paperbacks for. They didn't include me in the conversation at all. I stood behind them feeling like my opinion didn't count. And my feelings must have been right, because when the three of us walked up to the counter, the sales lady said, "What's the matter? Won't they let you say anything?" I can't begin to list the many times I've been discounted.

i went to my congregation every Sunday, and commented out loud nearly every week, yet the elders couldn't remember my name for 9 months, even though i sat right next to my in-laws, who have the very same last name.

There have been so many times people have made me feel worthless that i could go on and on. Even when i accidentally found out my parents were divorced and asked my mom why she didn't tell me, she said "We didn't think it was any of your business."

How do you have stuff like that happen to you all the time and NOT feel worthless? How do you stop anticipating it and seeing it from every little thing that remotely looks that way since it has happened to you so much?

I get what you're saying about your t helping you have a broader perspective. My t tries to get me to see that she's not like my mom or the other people who hurt me -- and that some people can be trusted to care. And I really do want to believe this. But it's hard to still feel good about her caring one day when she forgets about me the next. I know my problems are from childhood, being rejected. But it feels like it is still happening today. It feels like external things that people do keeps reinforcing the bad internal feelings i have about myself. It seems that if i am not worthless, then people would stop treating me as such.

It felt OK to me that she was sharing an intimate holiday with her family. I try not to feel jealous of them. I don't think it bothered me at all until she said she couldn't reply to my message and then didn't bring the matzoh ball. That's when it started feeling really bad. I know that she's close to her family, and i get that, and it makes perfect sense. I wouldn't want that not to be the case. But i want her to care deeply for me also. And i think she does care, but not to the degree i want her to, and that's what hurts.