Would This Hurt Your Feelings?

Everything that you have described up there ^ is triggering. You have a wound inside and it gets triggered by people on the outside. It is like if I have a sore arm and people keep bumping into it.

Is this realistic?

Well, I asked my t if i could have an earlier session this week because i couldn't let go of what the matzoh ball incident brought up for me -- not just the matzoh ball incident-- but all my feelings of being nonexistent and worthless and unimportant to people all through my life. It had brought all of that up for me, and i had such a stomach ache yesterday and so much internal distress. So she let me come in yesterday afternoon. She actually let me come at 3:30, when 3:00 is usually her last appt of the day. I felt really grateful for that.

We talked about the matzoh ball incident first thing. She told me that she didn't make enough. She had extra company show up, and there wasn't enough matzoh balls even for her to have one. I felt pretty much like a heel when she told me that. I hadn't thought about the possibility that they actually ran short and t didn't get one! It made it more understandable to me why she didn't bring me one. I guess she still could have saved me out one at the beginning, but. . .t didn't even get one? Wow. I wish she would have given me that extra information earlier when she told me there weren't any leftovers. Yeah, I felt heel-ish.

Then we talked quite alot about my tendency to take a piece of information (something she says or does) and draw the wrong conclusions. T said not bringing me a matzoh ball had nothing to do with my not being important to her. She just had made a mistake by not making enough. She said one of the most important things i can do in therapy with her is to check out my assumptions with her. Otherwise, i take something that happens and make up a whole story to explain what it means--and then i get all bent out of shape about it and feel awful.

T also said something about how i had a burden placed on me when i was younger, to think of myself as worthless, so now i look through that lens at everything that happens. I try to find "proof" from what other people say and do to show that I really am as worthless as I believe i am. T said i start out with a belief (that I'm worthless) and then look for evidence to support what i already believe. I told t, yes, i know, but the thing is-- I seem always find proof of it!! But t said it is because i am filtering everything that happens through that lens -- taking things people say and do and then fabricating a story/explanation that sounds possible and seems to verify how i feel about myself -- but the story is not based in reality.

I told t that i hate doing this --it gets me all tied up in knots and feeling sick for days. . .then i find out that what i believed wasn't true all along!! By then, i've suffered horribly internally, and sometimes lost days of sleep and not having enjoyed anything else going on in my life at the time because of feeling so upset. It's like i torture myself and I can't seem to stop doing it! I asked t why would i do this? why would i want to suffer like that? I can't remember what she said.

I also asked my t, How can i feel close and attached with you, without expecting too much and then feeling rejected? She said (in regard to attaching) that my very strong protector part that pushes her away to keep me safe from being hurt needs to step back a little. She also said (in regard to me expecting too much and feeling rejected) that when i get into an emotional storm like i did yesterday, i should try to go inside myself and find ways to calm and soothe myself. I told her i would work on that because i hate it when i get so upset and then keep emailing and feel like i'm bugging her too much.

She also asked, how about if my analytical self could help that part of me that keeps misinterpreting things and feeling rejected? Could that analytical part of me examine a situation more objectively and come up with alternate explanations for things that happen -- not just assuming that it means i am unworthy and unimportant? I told her i would try doing that next time.

That was the gist of my session. I felt alot better afterward. The stomach pain was gone, and the emotional angst, and i went to sleep feeling calm and happy.

all i can say is great work and awsome peaches

She should never have promised to bring you one in the first place. That's where the boundary should have been drawn. What a silly situation she created! I understand why you felt disappointed. Totally logical response. And then you had to spend a whole session on her explaining her mistake (and making something up, in my opinion) and you digging deep to find out why you feel the way you do. Great.

Lack of communication doesn't work well for therapy, and I'm sorry this occurred with you and your T.

However, most people are in therapy because of how they "feel" and how they react to those feelings. I would suggest that you work on this issue, but not the actual he said-she said elements, but why you are feeling so bad about this, and feel the need to be right in this situation. That's more important for future situations in life, imo.

I know it's not about the matzo balls - but this

made me chuckle!

When I make matzo balls, I store them in a bowl in the refrigerator till it's time to serve them, and I can tell you that my kids (and me!) are always sneaking into that bowl beforehand and taking 'just one' to nibble on.

The matzo balls barely make it to the dinner table. Leftovers have never happened. (And I usually make a triple batch!)

-Far

Elana05,

Yes, I think that's what bothered me the most about it -- I felt a connection with her when she said she wanted to give me one. But when she didn't do it, I felt disconnected and sad.

Alakazam,

Yes, I was surprised she wasn't more careful with her words. We've worked together many years, and she knows ohhhhhh so well how easily i get my feelings hurt. But. . .i guess i can let it go now that we've talked about it. I realize she wasn't purposely blowing me off -- just that she ran out of matzoh balls before everybody could even be served.

PTSDLovemyCats,

Thanks for sharing your reaction with me.

Nannypat,

Thanks for letting me know it would hurt you also.

Dizzgirl2011,

Yeah. . . What i really wish is that she had thought to put one aside for me when she initially made them. But i realize Passover is a big occasion and she was probably rushing around trying to get things ready and just didn't think about it.

WePow,

Thanks. I did talk to her yesterday and my session. I understand the situation better now and feel much better also.

Yoda,

Thanks for understanding. I went with my h to a Jewish deli last weekend and ordered matzoh balls. So I don't need t to bring me any now. I'd actually feel weird if she brought me some later, after this becoming such a big deal. It's probably better if she just doesn't offer me anything like that again, because i take it seriously and then probably get my hopes up that i mean more to her than i do.

Granite,

You're right. I never would have asked her to bring me one. But when she said she would, i felt warm and cozy inside. That's why it hurt when she didn't do what she said she would do.

Cantstopcrying,

I agree with you, that t's often forget how important they are in our lives. They need to think about what they say and do, and be aware of how their words and actions will potentially affect their clients -- for good or for bad.

This is important. I'm thinking that because of fear of intimacy you keep your distance from people and just connect through simple things which aren't the real deal. So when these flimsy things fall through it is devastating for you. What I think would help is working past the fear of intimacy so that you have real intimacy and then this stuff isn't flimsy and can't break down so easily and disappoint.

I've been thinking about this.......& may be off base, but it seems like the more emotional issues that we share with T, the more the line between how we are (or would be) with friends & how we are with T's becomes less clear.

I know that I never had friends to share & talk with before I left my husband......well now, I realize that a lot of things that I always talked to my T about are things that I now talk with my friends about. Taking that a step farther, a friend, I would ask to save me out a matzoh ball, a T, I wouldn't.

I think when we start to expect them to do things for us from within their own lives (not their life as a T) then it leaves us open for disappointment when they don't come through the way we expect them to.

It's hard to distinguish that line when we need to feel close to T in order to feel safe enough to talk with them & to share the things we share with them. Things we would feel like we could share with a really close, good friend......but instead, it's really our professional T that we have this relationship with. When they don't come through like a good friend would come through for us, it hurts. At times it's hard to separate that line if we don't focus on it extremely logically (& even it's not easy).

Think that T's tend to be able to draw the line easier than we do since we are the ones that emotionally need to connect in order to be able to open up about ourselves in therapy. They connect, but at a different level then we do, since they usually don't open up much about themselves to us. Think the most problems happen when we expect actions from our T's that would normally be between friends.

Just some thoughts on this....hope they make sense.

Hey peaches,

I am really glad that you were able to see your therapist and feel better about the situation now.
I cant help but feel that she still could have explained the situation better and apologised for not bringing you what she said she would in the first placee, which would have stopped you from having the time to think of alternative reasons for her not giving you one. I think she seems to have placed the blame a bit back with you, when really she could have just explained herself properly at the begining when the misunderstanding first happened but I also believe she didn't mean to hurt you either and i hope something positive comes from the situation foryou

Peaches- I find it interesting that you only replied to those that "agree" with your point of view.......
not those that challenged your view.......
quite interesting......

fins

Good point - I have a tendency to see only the hurt and not notice the good. My T has pointed that out to me and I hope to change that part of myself. It is tough

Therapists are supposed to couch you for the world... where people don't treat you in silk gloves.

You see the situation was not about you...and honestly you are just a client... you cannot expect her to snatch food from family for you... not because she did not care, but family comes first.

Are you saying that Ts need to walk on eggshells? I disagree. You are affected based on how you think about her words and actions. I honestly would not have been hurt by your t's actions and would not have interpreted her actions as meaning I wasn't important. I would have simply thought she forgot and I would not take that a step further to mean that I am unimportant or unlovable. my T is actually quite forgetful, so i wouldn't be surprised at all if she forgot. And I know she cares deeply about me.

Peaches, you have been seeing your T for a very long time and still question whether you are cared for? What about all the things she says and does that prove otherwise? If you realize that this is a pattern from your childhood, why not work on changing how you think about it instead of trying to change others and expect them to walk on eggshells?

Purplefins,

I've been answering posts in order. It has nothing to do with whether someone agreed with me or not.

Improving,

Thanks for understanding why i felt bad.

TheByzantine,

Yes, I DO need to speak up more and question whether I'm understanding things correctly. I seem to have a habit of thinking i know what my t means at the time when she says something. But later, i start wondering, "Why did she say x?" "What did that mean?" "Is there something more behind what she said?" and I get myself into trouble that way. It is after things sink in and i have time to mull them over that i start wondering these additional things. Since i am not with my t at the time, i begin to guess or assume. I can understand why you said I need to ask questions right up front if i don't understand something. And then maybe i need to accept what she says at face value and not go looking for clues as though there is some deeper or different meaning to what she said.