xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Remember that your reaction is really not to your T. It is a reaction to your past. Place the anger where it belongs, with the person who hurt you. Your T didn't hurt you.

Your T said everything was fine, not to worry about it. You DO have to believe him because he is not lying to you.

It will be okay. You will get through this. You are stuck right now in memory and emotion. It will cool down with some time.

[sittingatwatersedge]

I am not yelling at you
and I don't hate you, not in the least.

and neither does he. wow what a rotten experience. the good thing is that next Wed is a while off; there may be enough time for this to recede a little into the background, for your raw wound to calm down some.

you haven't done anything wrong, you are not giving off vibes, you are doing your best all the time. The fact is that therapists, in this weird weird weird relationship, look at us and see us at all our stages at once, not just the one that is in the office, and because our past affects our present in many and convoluted ways, they have all stages in mind all the time (although not the way that we do when we have something "in mind". I may not be very clear on this. For them, it's always somewhere tied to their work, whereas we just ARE, so to speak... does that make sense at all?). I know it's very disconcerting, been there.

But you are not at fault. Period. I am wishing you peace

[dizgirl2011]

Hi Tree,

First of all please take a few deep breaths, This situation will be okay, take yourself to a safe place and try to relax as your poor mind and body are going through so much with all of this, so we need to get you feeling a bit better.

It sounds like you were in an extremely vulnerable place and you gave yourself permission to feel and to open up about the painful things you are struggling with at the moment and that is brilliant!! That took a lot of guts. I bet your T could tell that you were in a lot of pain. You then asked him to sit beside you and hold your hand, which you say you have done for years.
I honestly think his question, of what does it mean for you when we hold hands, was simply his way of asking you how it helps you, especially when you are feeling so distressed as you were.
He didn't bring up the past or what you experienced then at all, if you look back it was you that mentioned it and got angry at him for that because you presummed what he was thinking about. Is that not right? As you said, you freaked out. Is it possible that his question which could have been and most likely was totally innocent, unintentionally triggered something in you from your past and that you reacted to him like he was trying to get more from you? He then had to respond not only about what he really meant but also about what you were reacting to which wasnt really the situation but to feelings about the past, so he reinforced that it wasn't your fault.

You are not a bad person at all, you were triggered and past feelings came up in a situation that was here and now and you got scared - that is totally understandable hunni! I think you were reacting in a way that was trying to be self protective but also became a little bit distructive.

I don't think your T meant to hurt you and maybe when you feel a bit better than you do now, you might be able to consider that.

You say that when the abuse happened that you were holding hands with the person first. Maybe the reason you initially decided to try this in therapy all those years ago was because you wanted to test how safe it was to do this with your T and to find out that you could be safe with him and that he wouldn't hurt you. But I do think todays question was more related to finding out what it was about holding his hand that helped you feel safe and better after feeling so distressed about other things going on in your life.

Im sorry today felt so bad hun, I hope you can see a way through this and I believe you will be ok

I am going to bow out of PC. I have PMed Doc John and asked him to remove my acct. I feel like a horrible, bad person who doesn't belong here. There are so so so many good people here who can support each other.

thanks for the ((((((hugs))))) and support. I'm not going to do anything crazy...it's just time for me to go.

[karebear1]

Tree............. I didn't get to read your original post here, but I wish you would reconsider leaving PC. You have been so very valuable to everyone here, and to me personally. I know there were things I would never be able to get through had it not been for your pm-ing me and writing little snippets in the few threads I've posted. You've been a positive example for me- and a positive influence. I really wish you wouldn't go. This is pure selfishness- but..... if you go, I'll feel like I'm losing one of true supports I have here. Please ((((((tree))))), just take a little time if you need, but don't disappear all together.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Treehouse! Please don't leave!!!

[dizgirl2011]

Tree please don't leave, you are not a bad person at all!! You have been so supportive to us all!

what makes you think you are a bad person hun?

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I am going to bow out of PC. I have PMed Doc John and asked him to remove my acct. I feel like a horrible, bad person who doesn't belong here. There are so so so many good people here who can support each other.

thanks for the ((((((hugs))))) and support. I'm not going to do anything crazy...it's just time for me to go.

lovely tree this is not the way I experience you here at all.
You ARE one of the many good people here, and so supportive it's amazing.

Please let us have the joy of supporting and caring about you?

[googley]

((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))
I didn't see what you wrote orriginally, but I can see that you are in a lot of pain. Please don't leave. Please don't leave this place of support. You have supported me thought so many hard times. I always look forward to your advice because I know it is sound. You were one of my first friends here on PC. I would be very sad if you left. I think you are a wonderful person. I wish I could make you believe that.

[granite1]

tree please dont go

[nannypat]

Oh, Tree.....{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} please come back asap.

OH you guys,

I am so sorry to create drama.

Honestly, I just feel incredibly toxic and don't want to rub off on other people. I'm sorry.

I am pretty heavily medicated right now. I don't know when I will connect with T or what's going to happen. It's bad.

I'm sorry. I told Doc John to just wait while I figure out what I'm doing.

Thank you for the PMs and the hugs and the support. I won't be like this forever

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I am going to bow out of PC. I have PMed Doc John and asked him to remove my acct. I feel like a horrible, bad person who doesn't belong here. There are so so so many good people here who can support each other.

thanks for the ((((((hugs))))) and support. I'm not going to do anything crazy...it's just time for me to go.

Treehouse thank you for letting us know.

I know sometimes people need to drop out of therapy or their on line homes that have helped them in the past for their own well being, safety or because those options no longer work for them.

whether this decision is temporary no permanent I know that you must do what ever is in your best interest.

therefore I wont make this decision harder on you by begging you to stay.

that said know you will be missed and lots of good wishes coming your way as you embark upon your new path.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Glad to hear that you are ok. Just take care of yourself Tree. We will all be thinking of you.

[mgran]

I'm glad you're going to wait awhile, and not make any quick decisions. I've not been on these forums long, and I've already seen how much a part of the community you are, and how well liked and needed. Stay well, and I hope to get to know you better, when you feel up to returning. (((hug)))

[WePow]

((((((((Tree))))))) Just now reading your post and didn't see your first one.
I was actually talking in my session today about you and your T !!!
My T is getting ready to go on a trip in July and I had shared with him how your T took something with him to bring you with him. My T wants to do something like that too! You inspired him! And you inspire me too!!!

[Indie'sOK]

(((((((Tree))))))))))))) Please don't leave! You are not toxic and nobody wants you to go What have you done to think you are a bad person?

[granite1]

((((tree))))so glad you are sticking around

[rainbow_rose]

I'm glad you are staying, Treehouse. Take care of you - be safe.

[learning1]

I think you deserve to have a chance to air your difficulties on PC the same as everyone else is sometimes. You don't always have to be positive and supportive.

I think T is not talking to me. I am sure he is angry, and I would be too. I got REALLY REALLY triggered at the very end of session - like, more triggered than ever - and things completely unraveled I seriously seriously freaked out. And it was in the last two minutes of what had been a really vulnerable, connecting session. I feel sick.

I apologized. T e-mailed and said he could call me after a meeting tonight. It's my sons birthday so the timing was a little complicated. I told him that I didn't want him to call if he was still really angry. He e-mailed and said that maybe it would be better to talk in the morning and he might be able to call me at 10:30. At 10:30, I will be in a dr appt with my oldest son until 11:30 so I told him I couldn't talk then. I e-mailed and left a message and never heard back. I know T is done with me for the day, and I would be too.

I just keep taking klonopin. I'm going to stop now, but it's hard. The more numb I feel the better.

[learning1]

I'm glad you and your t are trying to find time to talk to each other.

I'm glad you're stopping with klonopin. I don't have a clue about it but hope you're okay with what you took!

[karebear1]

Thanks for coming back tree. Sending lots of hugs to you and T so you both can feel better about whatever happened.

[mixedup_emotions]

I just got online.....(((( TREE )))))

I have no idea what happened between you and T....Just know that you are ok, you will work through this and that you have a strong relationship with your T - you will heal from this together.....

The other day in group T, I really didn't want to go because I was dealing with so much and didn't want to share.....After being yelled at the prior week, I knew it was a risk....but I chose to go anyway, after much deliberation. I told the group that I contemplated not attending because I was feeling so badly....but decided to go...and if things got out of hand in group because of me being in such a crazed place, I trust in the strength of the group to be able to work through whatever happens.

I trust in your relationship with T that you will be able to work through this. I truly do believe that....

((( HUGS )))