most excruciatingly horrible session ever

treehouse,

i'm just catching up on your posts now. i'm so glad you shared a little bit of what happened, that took a TON of courage and honesty.

it's interesting to me because in my last session, i was talking about an incident where i was sexually assulted (when i was like 16). my therapist responded by saying, and i quote, "people like that prey on people who leave themselves open to it." i was totally floored, but did nothing. in fact, i continued with what i was talking about, managed to steer the conversation in a different direction, and brushed it off completely. i have such a great relationship with my therapist. i love, respect, and adore her, and i'm incredibly grateful for all we've accomplished together. but man, am i still trying to understand what the hell she meant with her comment.

i guess this is my long way of telling you that i think it's really good (and healthy!) that you were able to get angry at your therapist (for something similar, i think). i think the anger piece of it is worth exploring in future sessions. i'd say the anger is a reaction to feeling abused (in a way, that's what your therapist did by implying it was your fault) and you reacted by lashing out. that's quite a change from how you reacted to your mom's abuse. idk, but that's what came to mind when i read your post.

take care, and hang in there. and "be gentle with yourself!"

(((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))

It is so difficult to heal the wounds that are in our core.
My T calls those "core traumas" ... and they are the hardest ones to deal with when they get touched.

Allow yourself to be upset right now and feel all these emotions.
But remember that there is also TRUTH that you logically know.
The shame and pain will be there... those ugggg emotions and feelings that you describe around those who abused you. Don't resist them because that is what we had to do as children - we were not strong enough to experience all that pain.
So honor it for what it is.

But also allow your adult mind to stay with you. You know your T cares deeply for you. Even if he is like my T and does a good job of sometimes being a perfectly imperfect human!

Your T thinks the world of you. And you are healing. Just keep up this great work and be easy on Little Tree. She had a whole lot of bad done to her that really hurt her inside. She deserves tenderness and tons of hugs from Big Tree :-)

Yes, this makes perfect sense!

I am having a REALLY hard time not taking all of the klonopin in the house. Not in a sui way. Just in a "I want to be numb way"

I have stayed REALLY busy today. Got up early, went for a run. Fed breakfast to the two younger boys and took them to the pool. Came home and dropped oldest son at baseball. Added a second coat of paint to the bathroom and cleaned up that mess. Did laundry. Cleaned. Cooked dinner and cleaned up. Moved ALL of the (very heavy) furniture in oldest son's room all by myself and started stripping wallpaper border in there. Took a shower

Now here I am with me. I'm too tired to really do anything physical, and doing physical stuff seems like the only way I am okay.

I was driving home from dropping oldest son at baseball today and I was RIGHT behind T. That was weird.

Help.

Oh Tree! ((((((Hugs)))))))) You are doing so well keeping yourself busy, we just need to come up with ways to keep you going through this. How about watching a movie? or journalling? or listening to music? or doing yoga? We ARE here for you Tree!!

Would one of your prescribed doses of Klonopin allow you to relax for the evening? Watch some TV, get a good night's sleep?

When do you see T next? What about a 2nd session this week?

We will all do our best to help you Tree even if it means posting on here all night. You WILL get through this!

((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))))

(((((((all)))))))

I am already beyond my prescribed dose

I am going to see if I can find something to read on my kindle. Maybe I will get lucky and fall asleep...

thanks ((((((pc))))))

PLEASE be careful Tree!! I know you just want to do the numb thing but Klonopin can be very dangerous! I know from experience!

((((((((Tree)))))))))))) Be safe and stay strong, we're here for you

I hope you find something you enjoy and that you sleep well.
I am a big fan of Alexander McCall Smith's series, The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, set in Botswana; funny, intelligent, real characters.. just sharing.

Keep us posted on how you're doing, okay?

YES! Please keep us updated Tree!

Please be safe, treehouse!

(((((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))))))))

Coming by to drop off some more hugs for you.

Tree, I hope that you check in with us again tonight before you go to bed if you haven't already! Thinking about you!

oh tree.... I am so glad you haven't left us!

I read your original post, as you know and not a single part of me thinks you are a bad person from what happened in your session, honestly! You were triggered and you went into a protective mode, which is understandable hun! As you have said even your therapist was surprised by your reaction - because he also knows that it was not a normal reaction for you, it was a reaction triggered by past pain. I know right now everything about that session feels painful but hopefully at some stage it may turn out to be of some help as it may open up discussion on the past that you need to work through perhaps.
From reading one of your earlier posts in this thread I just want to say again that no one ever makes someone sexually abuse them, you never made anyone do that to you, you have no blame in any of that.

You are a lovely person, so strong, so caring and helpful to others! You are a good person.

tree, you could NEVER be toxic and be bad for PC. You are always such an inspiration to us! I'm sorry you're in such a difficult place now. Please be careful, stay safe, and do not take more meds. We need you here!!! And so does your family.

hey tree, just remember feelings are information, not emergencies. just keep taking one little baby turtle step after another and you'll work your way through this. i once asked t why therapy never seems to get easier and his answer was along the lines of how as we grow stronger in our self, we can face harder things. the fact that you've reached such a difficult stage of therapy is a testament to how much you've grown. you'll make it through this - just one baby turtle step at a time.

((((((((PC)))))))))

I went up to read last night and pretty much passed out, which was a relief.

Now it's today. I see T on Wednesday

I'm just going to try to stay busy and not isolate, which sounds hard.

My SOUL hurts, and I am so ashamed about session. I have read every. single. wise word that has been posted here, and I want to let it sink it, but it's hard.

I have such a good relationship with T, and I don't want some stupid hurt feral child part of me to come along and ruin it. I don't want her big big feelings.

Sometimes when the CSA stuff comes up for me, I have an almost irresistable urge to kick and kick and kick.

(((((((((((Tree)))))))))))
Allow your child to feel. That is important to feel that part.
Just be gentle

(((((((((((((((((( hugs to you tree )))))))))))))))))

>> I have such a good relationship with T, and I don't want some stupid hurt feral child part of me to come along and ruin it. I don't want her big big feelings.

would it help you to remember that T has already met her? By now he has met all your parts, and he is OK with all of them.

Please don't worry so much. He's trained, and he is very good at this work (very!) and he cares about you.

((((((((sending tons and tons and tons of safe hugs to treehouse))))))))))

So you must feel safe enough with T to protect yourself? There is nothing wrong with that little girl wanting to protect herself. Protecting yourself is a good thing.

You can't fix what doesn't surface. This has surfaced because you need to work on it. It is good that you can work on it now so that you can work past it and get some peace.

Do you feel that you can't work through this with T because you feel that it will turn out like when you were a child with your mother?

Hey, coming late to this thread but sending you best wishes for the next session with your T!