most excruciatingly horrible session ever

Keep yourself safe and easy does it with the clonazepam. I get the numb thing. Just please be careful Sweetie!

tree, I've been away yesterday and today so I didn't see your first post that you deleted. I hope you and T connect soon. Whatever happened, it sounds like you got triggered and I know you are definitely a beautiful, not horrible person!!!! I'm sure T is NOT angry and you will work it all out with him.

PLEASE do not leave PC. I (and so many others) value your presence whether you're posting about your therapy or helping others with theirs. Your posts about your therapy help me a lot too!

(((tree))) I hope you are resting/sleeping well.
I think T is talking to you, and doesn't seem to be hesitating to connect with you, but like you said it is complicated getting it arranged at this time. I think you and he will connect today (Friday) at some point. He now knows you're busy until 11:30. I hope you do get to talk to him because I think it will help ease your fear/anxiety.

This will get better.

hold that thought. we love you Tree house !!

Holding you close in my thoughts. I hope you can talk to T today. {{{{{Tree}}}}}

Thinking of you! Woke up last night thinking of you and sending a prayer and a hug!!!

((((((((((((((((tree))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))) Sending hugs, I hope they help

Thinking of you today. Be good to yourself.{{{{Tree}}}}

I talked to T for a few minutes. He said he is "frustrated" but not "angry", although I'm not sure if there's really a difference right now. i know he can be angry AND things can still be okay in the end, but blah.
I told him that I am afraid he won't trust me now, and he said that one thing doesn't undo all of our years and years of work.
He said that the fact that I was SO triggered, SO quickly and deeply shows what a big deal this thing is.
He said that we have worked through ruptures before and we will work through this. I told him I never ever ever ever want him to sit with me and hold my hand again, and he said that we will have to work our way slowly and gently back to that safe place. I really really don't want to.

I feel kind of awful and toxic still. I hate that T is "frustrated", and it's really my fault. This triggers lots and lots and lots and lots of stuff for me.

I don't know if there's enough klonopin to make it through this.

you can get through this, tree. I know it might not feel true right now, but you really can. It won't feel like this forever. Try just letting the emotions come without pushing them away and without holding onto them. The sooner you let them wash over you, the sooner they will go away for good.

It seems so hard to keep that in mind when something happens like you just experienced. But it is true. You and your T have hours of sessions together and you know each other. This one thing is not going to break the relationship. I know that's hard to keep in mind when you are so close to what happened. But I hope you'll be able to hold the space for that reality, and if you do, it will return. T is still T, you are still you, and you and T are still you and T.

I am learning that T can be frustrated with me yet still like me and want to be there. The fact that he's frustrated doesn't mean he will reject you,or not trust you any more, or not value the relationship you have. It feels horrible to know that T feels something negative towards us but I think this is about learning how relationships aren't perfect yet with trust and committment, the hard times can be worked through and the relationship (i.e. you and T) can survive it.


It doesnt sound to me that T hates you at all. Quite the opposite in fact- he wants to help you through this. He is still there now, and still wants to be there for you and put the hard work in to get through this rupture

You have a strong relationship with your T- strong enough for you both to get through this. T is still there as he always has been.

i have been following this but just lost as too what to say

i have been thinking alot about this

so glad that you and t talked... yeah, frustrated is not a word i like hearing from t...

sending lots and lots of safe hugs

ps i really really believe you and t can get past this... just remember; baby steps

I wondered why you wanted to leave PC. Did something happen on PC? I'm sorry you are having a difficult time after your session.

Tree, I am glad that you were able to talk to your T, the two of you will get through this. ((((((Hugs))))))

(((((((((((Tree))))))))))))

I hear you saying that your T said that he was frustrated. However, it seems that you think he is frustrated at you. Or that you deserve to have him frustrated with you. But that doesn't seem to be what he is saying. He can be frustrated with the situation (that you were triggered so badly) without being frustrated with you. He can be frustrated with the situation without being angry at you. You will work through this. It will be okay. It may not seem like that right now, but please trust all of us here when we say that.

No, nothing happened on PC, at all. everyone here is so incredibly supportive and helpful.

something happened in my session and it pretty much sent me into this unbearable toxic shame spiral. it feels like it confirms what I knew all along...I. am. a. bad. person.

T said something that was probably totally innocent, something that hit the absolute CORE of "I MADE people who loved me sexually abuse me" and I got triggered badly (I think T said on the phone I was blindsided, but I can't remember if that was the exact word) and I seriously seriously freaked out and said stupid things and did a stupid thing. I thought I kicked T, but T told me on the phone I kicked *at* T, I didn't hit him. But still. But still! And he said on the phone that when it happened, he was really surprised.

He says one moment doesn't undo all of our work together. But I don't see how I can even talk to him about it, honestly. I'll say "I'm a horrible person" and what will he say? "no, you're not". And it will be just like when I was little when my mom beat me and in the end I had to reassure her that she was still wonderful. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh.

It will take a long long time to crawl out of this hole. I'm so ashamed to even write about it here. I don't even know if I want to crawl out. Maybe I just want to stay here in the dark and take klonopin forever and forget about trying to heal, because I obviously can't do it.

I'm sorry

And I'm afraid that by telling this story here, no one will want me around anymore (not looking for reassurance, just explaining why I wanted/want (?) to leave. And I feel like my toxicness will rub all over PC if I stay. And I guess I was leaving before all of the rejection happened, you know?

Stupid triggers. Stupid me.

Beautiful! Tattoo this on your heart

There is so much more for you and T to explore together about this.
Not only what happened, by what you're feeling now - as if you are not allowed to react or not allowed to be angry (then and now). Hang on as best you can until you can get back to working on this with T. He's waiting to help you with it

tree, you reacted in total honesty in the moment.
I don't see you as a bit toxic.
I see you as authentic

Oh no!! Is it contagious? Just kidding. Just kidding. Treehouse, we love you here. We're not going anywhere.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

I can so relate to this:

I battle this every single day. I know what you mean. But I can see how untrue that is with you. It's not true. You're not toxic at all in any way. Hugs.

I'm sure your therapist was surprised that you kicked at him. I bet he was very surprised, but, -and I'm not being glib here - if you can't kick at your therapist, who can you kick at?

II don't know the whole story, but it sounds like you just got very angry at him for suggesting something that you know is not true and that you hoped he knew wasn't true too. Words got twisted, things likely got wholly misinterpreted and wham! you kicked at him. I'm just not seeing how that makes you a bad person at all. Just a human being having a strong emotional reaction to something and lashing out from really really deep inside.

You may do it again, you may not. Given the situation and what I know of it, it seems to make perfect sense to me. Why does everything have to be so contained all of the time?

About this he is exactly right, one moment doesn't undo anything. In fact, in that one moment he learned a lot about what's going on inside your head and what really really bothers you. That can only be a good thing.

I hope, on some level, you can begin to see that this is not at all like it was when you were a child. I'm not exactly sure what you are saying here, but there is no way that a simple emotional response means that you are a horrible person.

On the contrary. You were hurt and angry. We are allowed to get hurt and angry. Any of us are capable of kicking out. Any single one of us. That doesn't mean that we are all bad people does it? No.

ANd it doesn't mean you are either.

Your therapist will likely insist that there is little to nothing here for him to forgive, and I would agree.

I do hope, however, that you can see that as well and can begin to forgive, honor and appreciate the emotions that led up to this event.

This will all work out, forgive and love yourself. You would say the same thing to someone in this situation. Now say it to yourself.

Love and peace to you.

Oh Tree....(((( HUGS ))))

I can totally understand how triggered you must've felt, and I understand too the embarrassment that goes along with it. But as everyone said, you had a really deep emotional reaction which will only help you in therapy.

And please PLEASE know that I want you here. I'll say it again...I WANT YOU HERE, TREEHOUSE.....None of us here are beyond doing the same thing...actually, I admire that you were able to lash out the way you did. You shared the overwhelming emotion instead of burying it at that moment.

((((( Big safe hugs )))))

Tree... if one horrible moment defined and undid all the work my T and I have done together, then our relationship would have been over before it ever really began. It would have been undone probably more than 100 times by now!
You have a strong relationship with your T. Go back and do the work you need to do to understand this reenactment. I have always found that the more real I am with my T, the more he respects me for trying to come to terms with my past and not hiding it from him or from myself by desperately trying to be "good" and "nice" in order to avoid the pain and the deep shame. I am not always good and nice in therapy... far from it. But as I work through all the "badness" I find the true goodness that's a very real part of me, and I don't have to rely on a form of "goodness" that's really just a mask because I'm terrified to see what's really beneath it.